SEEKING APPROVAL
Have you ever found yourself trying to get people’s approval? I’m sure we have all been in this position but sometimes we can go a little overboard with it-even be obsessed with it. For some of us, we’re not just trying to please one or two people but everyone-we’re ‘people pleasers’. Let’s see why this is a problem and what we can do to overcome it.
1) The chameleon syndrome. A chameleon is a reptile that can change colors to adapt to their surroundings. This came to be used as a term to describe someone who changes who they are depending on who they’re around. This would be a characteristic of someone who is always looking for approval.
So what’s the problem with that? I lose my sense of identity. We want so badly to have other people’s approval that we compromise who we are in the process. I don’t really hold any solid convictions about anything. Your opinion becomes my opinion. I find myself agreeing with everyone about everything. I may start out disagreeing with you about something but I’m afraid to say it. And in my desire to please you my mind will change about it and I’ll change my opinion solely by my desire to please you.
But what happens when I am trying to please everyone and I meet people who hold the opposite opinion about something? I will then agree with you. Eventually, because I’m trying to please everyone and I’m trying to be agreeable with everyone I will remove myself from having any solid opinions about practically everything. My opinions vary depending on who I’m around.
This can happen not only with opinions but with my character and looks as well. In relationships and friendships I try to adapt to fit with your style. Even my personality is nebulous because I become who you want me to be. I look how you want me to look; I talk how you want me to talk. In doing so I lose the sense of who I really am. I lose my identity because my identity is wrapped up in how you want me to be. This might sound a little extreme but I’m sure we have all done things like this on some level; we all suffer from the chameleon syndrome to some degree.
2) Why are we like that?
• We think we have to be people-pleasers. We’re taught to not be selfish; we’re taught to do for others before doing for ourselves. So we think it’s noble and sacrificial to please others. Not that it’s necessarily wrong to try to please people. We are supposed to be focused on serving others-when it’s done to please Jesus.
Therein lies the problem-it’s noble and Christ like when I’m doing it for him but when I am focused on being a people pleaser I am actually focused on pleasing myself. I am looking for approval; I am looking to make myself feel better. I hate feeling inadequate so I will do anything to make you accept me.
So, ultimately it’s not really about you at all-it’s about me. But even if my focus is on you it can still be wrong because it’s not right to do everything people want me to do. It’s not healthy for me or the other person. It creates dependency-I become an enabler. I’m not helping you-I’m hurting you.
• Getting approval makes us feel good. We can look to be validated in so many things. Our looks, our physique, our intelligence, our abilities; you name it. Social media-we determine our likeability based on how many Facebook friends we have. And if you de-friend me it’s devastating because I translate it to mean I’m not friend material (even though the person who de-friended me is someone I haven’t seen in 20 years).
Why is it that I could have 20 people say they like me but one person says they don’t and it sends me spiraling out of control? We are people who are not accustomed to having our worth validated. That’s one of the reasons it feels so good when we get it. Therefore getting approval from others, especially by those we love and respect, can actually be like a drug-we get feelings of elation when we’re validated in something.
Perhaps we grew up without any encouragement or expressions of acknowledgment when we did a good job. It's so easy for people to focus and highlight what they see wrong in someone. We may have grown up having our faults highlighted and our accomplishments minimized if acknowledged at all. But we continued to spend our time trying to get our parents to tell us we did a good job-perhaps to no avail.
So we go through life trying to prove ourselves to others; trying to impress people-trying so desperately to get someone to acknowledge our accomplishments. So when someone does it’s a high for us. And when that high goes away we are found ‘jonesing’ for the next high. So we desperately look for that validation again so we can feel good again.
3) Seeking God’s approval. Say we went through life trying to win our Father’s approval but never felt we got it. That can translate into our relationship with our heavenly Father. Sometimes we make the mistake of putting God in a human box and since we couldn’t win our earthly father’s approval perhaps we haven’t won our heavenly Father’s approval yet either. I’m not saying anyone is doing this here but sometimes you see people doing a lot in the church and trying so hard to be a good person in hopes of winning God’s favor. “Maybe if I go to church every Sunday God will say I’m a good boy”. “Maybe if I do everything right God will love me.”
Sometimes we think this way because we know we’ve done some pretty bad things throughout our lives and in doing so perhaps we’ve become ostracized from our loved ones. We think because people haven’t forgiven us then maybe God won’t either. We know God is real but we seek validation that he loves me and that his word and promises are true for ‘someone like me’.
1st Tim. 1:11-16. Paul was convinced of God’s forgiveness. Paul was convinced that God accepted him-even though he had done what he did. Paul was an example for those who would think God could not forgive them for what they’ve done. Paul’s account is an example for anyone who thinks God couldn’t love someone like them.
Rom. 8:38-39. Paul was convinced that nothing could separate him from God’s love because of the truth of what he wrote a few chapters earlier in 5:8, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Because God loved us when we had not done nor could not do anything for him, Paul knew that there was nothing he could do that could cause God to stop loving him. Paul knew that he didn’t have to strive for God’s acceptance-he already had it. He didn’t have to try harder to get God’s approval-he already had it-not because of anything he had done-but because of what Christ had done for him.
Thanks be to God for what his word has said we are. How loved we are, how cherished and precious we are to him. If we can grab a hold of that it can help us to get over the hurts and not be so focused on being validated-because we know that we have a father in heaven that greatly appreciates and acknowledges all we do for him.
And we can trust that what he said about us is valid. Heb. 6:18 says that it is impossible for God to lie. We can be encouraged by this-if God said it-it’s true-and that goes for what he has said about us too. Man tells me I’m worthless-God tells me I am worth giving up his son for.
One of the reasons we go around seeking validation from others is-if I have worth in people’s eyes then I will have worth in God’s. But since I will never have the approval of everyone I will never be convinced that I am accepted and loved by God. If we are looking for human approval we will not ever really find it; or if we do it will never really satisfy-only when we become convinced of God’s approval can we be truly satisfied. We look to anyone and everyone to give us the validation only God can give. We go searching when it was right there all along-we just weren’t willing to claim it. We are precious to God.
4) How can we overcome?
• We need to have a balance. I might think the answer to being focused on being a people pleaser is to stop trying and focus on pleasing myself. We swing the pendulum to the other side. That’s not good. Some people are focused on pleasing themselves and they need to do more people pleasing but then there are those who are focused on it too much.
In the same way, I might think the answer to trying to seek approval from others is to not care what people think. That’s swinging the pendulum to the other side too. There are those who are so focused on getting approval from others that they find their worth in how others see them. Then there are those who go to the other extreme and don’t give a flip what people think; which is obviously a problem too.
We need to have a balance. We need to care what others think but not to the point of being obsessed about it. I shouldn’t live my life with no consideration of what others think but I also shouldn’t live to try to make everyone happy. I shouldn’t be so closed-minded and opinionated where I don’t care if I offend you. We shouldn’t be a chameleon but we shouldn’t be a mule either. I shouldn’t be so stubborn that I’m not open to anyone else’s opinion nor should I change my colors and agree with everyone about everything.
There needs to be a balance. I can have solid convictions and still be willing to listen objectively to another viewpoint. I can tactfully disagree and not have to feel guilty about it. It’s okay to have convictions and boundaries. Balance.
• We need to be God-pleasers. We should try to please people but not at the expense of displeasing God. This is the biggest issue with being a chameleon-I will not only compromise on my identity as a person but I will also compromise on my identity as a Christian. Because of my desire to please people I compromise on my godly character and go back to my old character because I want to hold onto certain friendships or relationships. We will compromise on our commitment to God in order to receive validation from others. When I’m focused on being a people-pleaser I’m not focused on being a God-pleaser.
John 12:42-43. They wanted the approval of others to the degree that they were willing to forsake God’s approval. They were more concerned about what men had to say about them. They wanted to continue to be looked-up to and praised by others. They weren’t willing to give that up for the sake of Christ. I have to decide who comes first in my life-I have to decide who deserves top priority. My life needs to be about pleasing God over pleasing others. Sometimes pleasing others is pleasing to God but there sometimes that isn’t the case.
• We need to be like Jesus. John 5:41-44. Jesus lived to love everyone but he surely didn’t please everyone. He told people what they needed to hear and there were times where people walked away displeased. Jesus was a God-pleaser. Jesus did not need validation from man; his validation came from the Father.
When Jesus was baptized a voice from heaven spoke. Matt. 3:17, “This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased.” There were plenty of people who were not pleased with Jesus. Did Jesus cater to them to win their approval? No. Jesus knew that God was pleased with him and that was validation enough.
When Jesus was on the mount of transfiguration a voice from heaven spoke again. Mark 9:7, “This is my Son, whom I love; listen to him.” “Whom I love”. There were plenty of times where people were mad at Jesus and he wasn’t feeling the love. There were times where even his disciples didn’t show the love. When he was arrested they all took off and left him there alone. Peter denied knowing him. He could’ve gotten depressed or develop a bad attitude but instead he was driven by the love of the father. I’m sure Jesus didn’t think he was unloved just because there were times people didn’t show him love.
“Listen to him.” The Father was telling people to listen to Jesus even though other people were saying the opposite. John 10:20, “Many of them [Jews] said, “He is demon-possessed and raving mad. Why listen to him?” I suppose this could’ve gotten Jesus down. I suppose it could’ve caused him to stop preaching and teaching. If Jesus had allowed the opinions of men to dictate his validity he probably would’ve given up. Instead, he continued to spread the word because he trusted in and leaned on what his father had said.
We need to trust in that as well. There may be times when we feel unloved. There may be times when people will think we’re crazy or something else that isn’t true. Will we believe them? Will we allow them to dictate who we are or what we are or will we trust in what God has said we are? We need to be like Jesus-he got his validation from God-he pressed on despite the lack of approval from others.
