Friends
Pt. 1 - Cheesecake & Character
I. Introduction
It is the basis of every level of relationship of meaning. Every relationship of meaning has to have foundation in friendship. In fact, Jesus elevates and highly values friendship. He makes this statement regarding friendship in John 15:12-15, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends (one version says put your life on the line). You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
We always jump to the point about laying life down as if that only speaks to death. Friends will die for you. Then we look around and come up with no one and think we are friendless. We miss the number of folks around us that put their life on the line daily for us. Notice that Jesus experienced a progression in His relationship with His disciples. He started by calling them servants. He graduated to calling them friends. Why? What warranted the change? He said they became friends because they now knew His business. You have got to quit calling everyone friends because some of those you call friends can handle, and want to handle your gift, but they can't handle your business. They leak. You become damaged not because they hurt you but because they leaked to someone who hurts you. Jesus understood something that we need to learn! Intimacy is incremental. Time allows us to incrementally trust to share the intimate. You need friends but you have got to take enough time to vet them. You meet them on Facebook or once at a bookstore and you want to tell them your entire life story. You give them your business and they haven't earned that level of access.
Associates get your gift but friends get your life (your business).
Jesus reserves friendship for a select few. He gave His gift to the crowds but gave His life to the few. He knew that friendship was paramount!
Friendship is so important that we can say this . . . "Show me your friends and I will show you your destiny." Why? Because I have already spent extended time teaching you that climate is everything! People create climate. So, if climate is what causes change and controls the direction of my life, then I must manage my relationships to manage the trajectory of my life! Your destiny is determined not just by who you are, but it is also equally affected by where you are and who you are with. That is the principle of environment. We should know that relationships are important because in the garden the devil was idol until God put Eve in the garden. It wasn’t until relationship was established that the enemy went on the offensive.
The reason picking friends is so important is that there are 3 kinds of friends. 1. The friend I would like to be. 2. There is the friend they would like for me to be. 3. The friend God needs me to be. Guess what? Those 3 very seldom don't line up. You must also come to grips that in order to be the friend God has assigned you to be you may not be able to be the friend you would like to be or that they want you to be. You may have to rebuke, you may have to step in, you may have to wound. In order for your friend to be the friend that God needs them to be they may not always be able to do what they like or what you would like they may just have to do what God says.
Well, since I believe friendship is paramount, it is the basis of all other meaningful relationships, and that this level doesn't happen by accident I wanted to take some time and challenge you to ask some questions. Are you a good friend? What kind of friend are you? Does the one you call your friend meet the Biblical qualifications that will allow them to be a good friend? What kind of people should you connect to as friends? If you don't know what to look for in a friend, then you will connect to the wrong people.
Part of our problem with selecting the right folks is that most of us don't even know that there is a friendship manual called the Bible that helps us answer these questions. So, in the absence of its teachings, we substitute and settle for instructions from other sources. We learn from society and what it says is friendship. We long for what they portray as friendship. In the 1990's, TV through humor and 30 minute segments defined what friendship was about. So, now we want what Ross, Monica, Joey, Phoebe, Rachel and Chandler have. But I want us to stop and see what they taught us:
What are they doing? Chandler and Rachel are stealing from their neighbor. And rather than pushing each other to honesty they actually pull each other deeper into the act of deception. So what we are being taught is that it doesn't matter and it isn't important if your friends don't have character!
That lesson stands in direct opposition to what we are taught about relationships in the Word.
TEXT: Proverbs 13:20
Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces.
1 Corinthians 15:33b
“Bad company corrupts good character.”
The #1 trait we should look for in a friend is character!
When asked what we should look for in a friend most of us would automatically say loyalty and acceptance. However, according to the instruction manual the ability to be the friend that God wants you to be or to have the friend that God wants you to have comes down to one word . . . character! Solomon and Paul both came to this conclusion - character rubs off . . . so does lack of character. The wrong crowd is a carrier of wrong! Wrong is contagious. We tell high school students that. We tell college students that. Then as adults we continue to choose to run with people that lie, cheat, steal, evade, refuse to be responsible, and the longer we make them friends the more character-less we become.
If we want to be a good friend and have good friends, then it is going to have to start with being and finding people with strong, godly character.
Because we are so lonely we have settled for loyalty over character. Listen . . . character is more important than loyalty. Loyalty is important. Loyalty is a great trait. It is Biblical trait. But you can be loyal and commit friend assisted suicide. I don't need someone who will allow my destruction to be their entertainment in the name of loyalty. You can be loyal and never be the friend someone needs. They can stick with you through thick and thin and never have enough character to step in when they should. Adam was loyal to Eve to her and our destruction! You don't need someone just to keep you company. You need someone who comes alongside and pulls you to character! You need someone who will act with integrity and will pull integrity out of you. Acceptance is great. However, I don't need folks that will accept my sin, my laziness, my poor attitude, my anger, etc. I need someone who has enough character to step up and confront.
I must look for people who have character because I don't want to have to wonder which you is going to show up.
Character allows me to rest in knowing how you will respond and whether you are trustworthy or not.
This is where that judging stuff comes in. We have bought the lie that we aren't supposed to judge so we don't examine character close enough. Lack of character examination causes us to treat people like they have changed and all some have done is made an adjustment. Over a period of time the season of adjustment will end and your character will come out. They may never do it to you on purpose but who they are their character will come out.
I don't want to know if you have stopped lying. I want to know if you are no longer a liar. I don't want you to tell me you won't lie to me again. I want to know if you won't lie period. Because if you simply made an adjustment your character will come back around and you will lie to me eventually. Who they are will manifest again.
Some folks only adjust to the consequences of pain/plague. When Pharaoh felt the pain of the frogs, locust, boils, he adjusts and releases the Children of Israel from slavery. But we discover that was just an adjustment because 6 times when there was no more pain or plague his character is revealed. Ultimately after the death of the firstborn it looks like he has changed. But you know the story. He hasn't really changed and his character is revealed in his pursuit! I don't want remorse I want repentance. Remorse only means you are adjusting to avoid consequences. I am looking for repentance. I will own my mistake and change so that it never happens again!
Trust the character of person. Don't ignore what their character shows you! Should I be with them? Did they adjust or did they change?
Listen some of you are in trouble because you are so desperate for companionship that you have chosen character projects as your friends. You can't make character projects your friends. They are assignments not friends. Their character issues will rise up and be turned against you in the time of trouble. If they don't have character, then they will let you down and try to pull you down in the process. I would rather be lonely than to misplace an assignment as a friend. Why? Because their lack of character will ultimately put you at risk and will cause you unwanted, unneeded pain and cost you time, energy and resources that you will never get back.
So, today my question is this . . . are the people you call friends eating the cheesecake? If they are then it is just a matter of time until they try to get you to join them.
Are you inviting folks into deception or are you leading them to rise to higher levels of integrity.
Are you a person of character? Are you loyal but show no character?
Are the people you are hanging with people who have made an adjustment or are they people of character? If not, it is just a matter of time before their lack of character will bite you and drag you to no character. Don't share your business with people who have no character!
