This week I ran across a website called ThePayback.com. This paragraph on the home page of that site describes its purpose:
ThePayback.com is your home for all of your revenge needs. So you never had a chance to get revenge on your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend? Your current spouse lied to you when he said that he would never cheat on you?
Well, you know the saying "Don't get mad, get even".
On that same page you can also find this testimonial:
"Just wanted to thank you guys for providing such great service. I wish I could have seen my ex's face when he got that box of dead roses! You guys really made my day. I'm glad I got even with that jerk. More people need to know about this service, so I'm telling my girlfriends because I'm pretty sure they know some jerks too. Most guys are anyway."
--Jessica
I guess we really shouldn’t be surprised that service like this exists in a culture which embraces the familiar adage that we find on the website: “Don’t get mad, get even.” But I also think that most people, even those who would consider using such a service, would admit that is not the way to foster authentic relationships.
So this morning, in the second of four messages on “Building Blocks for Authentic Relationships”, we’re going to develop the second building block – one that is an antidote to this kind of thinking.
Hopefully you’ll remember that last week we began this series by looking at the relationship between Abram and Lot and we saw how Abram protected and developed that relationship with the building block of selflessness, which we summarized like this:
Authentic relationships are enhanced when
I yield my rights in order to prevent unnecessary fights
This week, we’re going to look at a second building block, one that is demonstrated in the life of Joseph. Go ahead and turn in your Bibles to Genesis 50 and I’ll read our passage there in just a moment. But before we do that, let me take a moment to review the significant events in Joseph’s life that lead us up to this point. Most of you are probably at least somewhat familiar with the account of Joseph’s life, which comprises most of the last 14 chapters of Genesis, but it won’t hurt any of us to do a quick review.
• When Joseph is 17 (Genesis 37:2), he is sold into slavery to some Midianite traders by his brothers because they are upset with Joseph’s dreams in which he claimed his family would bow down to him.
• The Midianites then sell him to Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh in Egypt.
• When Potiphar’s wife falsely accuses Joseph of trying to abuse her, he is thrown into prison (Genesis 39)
• While in prison, Joseph correctly interprets the dreams of Pharaoh’s cupbearer and baker when they are thrown into prison (Genesis 40).
• The cupbearer was restored to his position, just as Joseph had predicted. Two years later when Pharaoh had a dream he could not interpret, the cupbearer remembered Joseph and he was called to interpret Pharaoh’s dreams (Genesis 41).
• Pharaoh then makes Joseph his second in command in order to oversee the collection of the grain during the seven years of plenty which are to follow and the distribution of the grain during the seven years of famine after that (Genesis 41). Joseph is now 30 years old (Genesis 41:46).
• We can’t be sure of the exact timing, but sometime after the famine began, Joseph’s brothers, all except Benjamin, come to Egypt to buy grain. Joseph recognizes his brothers, but they don’t recognize him. His brothers return home with their grain. (Genesis 42)
• When they run out of grain, his brothers return to Egypt a second time, this time with Benjamin (Genesis 43-44)
• Joseph finally reveals himself to his brothers (Genesis 45). Joseph is now 39 years old (Genesis 45:6).
• Joseph sends for his father Jacob and Jacob comes to live in Egypt for the remainder of his life (Genesis 46).
• Jacob dies 17 years later (Genesis 47:28) when Joseph is 56. Joseph takes the body back to Canaan for the burial.
• So that means that the account we’re going to read this morning occurs nearly 40 years after Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery.
You can follow along as I read in Genesis 50, beginning in verse 15:
When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “It may be that Joseph will hate us and pay us back for all the evil that we did to him.” So they sent a message to Joseph, saying, “Your father gave this command before he died: ‘Say to Joseph, “Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin, because they did evil to you.”’ And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father.” Joseph wept when they spoke to him. His brothers also came and fell down before him and said, “Behold, we are your servants.” But Joseph said to them, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones.” Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
(Genesis 50:15-21 ESV)
I think the building block that we find here is pretty obvious – that of forgiveness. At first glance that seems like a pretty straightforward concept and perhaps some of you are thinking, “I know what forgiveness is. Why should I listen to what the pastor is going to tell us for the next 20 minutes or so?” But my own personal experience as well as my observation of others throughout my life lead me to believe that most of us probably don’t understand forgiveness as well as we think and that most of us have some significant misconceptions about what Biblical forgiveness looks like. So let’s begin with a succinct definition of Biblical forgiveness and then take some time to develop that idea in some more detail.
Authentic relationships are enhanced when
I give up my right to hurt you for hurting me
We certainly see that here with Joseph, don’t we? Joseph had been hurt greatly by his brothers nearly 40 years earlier. And now he was in a position where he not only had the right to get even, but he was also in a position to carry out his revenge. As the second in command in the entire land of Egypt all he had to do was give the word and he could have had his brothers imprisoned, or even killed, if we wanted.
And his brothers understood that, and as a result, they were understandably afraid of what Joseph might do to them now that their father was dead. So rather than go to Joseph in person, they send a messenger to him. And the message that they sent was almost surely something they had made up. Jacob had spent the last 17 years of his life with Joseph and certainly could have given that message to Joseph in person had he wanted to. Then when they finally do come to Joseph, they bow down before him and declare that they are his servants.
What they obviously did not understand was that Joseph had already forgiven them long ago. And that forgiveness had allowed him to see that what his brothers had meant for harm, God had used for good. And to demonstrate that his forgiveness was genuine, Joseph promises that he would provide for their families and he treated them with gentleness and kindness.
This entire account confirms that…
Authentic relationships are enhanced when
I give up my right to hurt you for hurting me
So let’s use our remaining time to see if we can’t develop an accurate understanding of what Biblical forgiveness is…and what it is not.
What Biblical forgiveness is…and is not:
1. It is giving up my right to seek revenge for the offense…
It is not denying the offense
Joseph does not try to deny, cover up or even minimize the actions of his brothers. He tells them quite bluntly that their actions were meant for his harm. That was still as true then as it had been nearly 40 years earlier when they had sold him into slavery. But on the other hand, he doesn’t brutally rub it in either. It seems that this is an example of what Paul wrote about when he described the need to speak the truth in love:
Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,
(Ephesians 4:15 ESV)
But what Joseph does do is give up the right to take revenge for those actions. As I mentioned earlier, he certainly had the opportunity to do that if he had chosen.
Over the years I’ve found that one of the hardest things about preaching is that it seems God often chooses to test me in the area I am preaching about. And that is certainly the case this week. And let me just say that applying this principle is a lot easier to talk about in a sermon than it is to apply it in a real situation.
But when someone offends us, it is important that we don’t just sweep that offense under the rug or excuse it. We certainly see that Jesus never excused or overlooked sin, even when He forgave it. But at the same time, once we’ve done that, it is important that we don’t dwell on the offense because if we do that it is going to be much harder to release our desire for personal vengeance.
2. It is releasing my right to dispense justice…
It is not releasing the need for justice
Biblical forgiveness never denies the need for justice. It just means that I choose not to dispense that justice myself. Joseph is in a rather unique situation in that regard here since he is not only their brother, but also a high ranking government official. So here it is would have been almost impossible for Joseph to separate any justice that would have been meted out by the government from seeking justice personally.
But what he did do in this situation was to trust that God was going to take care of administering any punishment that was appropriate based on what his brothers had done.
I think this is an area where we tend to have some misconceptions about forgiveness. While forgiveness means that I refuse to administer justice myself, it does not mean that justice is not to be carried out at all.
Right now James Holmes is on trial in Colorado for the shooting in a crowded theater in 2012 in which 12 people were killed and another 70 people were injured. In order for those victims and their families to forgive Mr. Holmes, it is not necessary for them to forgo the trial or oppose the punishment that will be handed out if he is convicted of a crime. It just means they have given up the right to personally exact vengeance in some way.
3. It is letting go of bitterness...
It is not forgetting
Joseph had clearly not forgotten what his brothers had done to him or the other unpleasant events that he had suffered through as a result of the way they had mistreated him. But because he was able to understand that God had used all those events for good, he was able to let go of any bitterness that he might have harbored against his brothers or against God at one time.
This is another area where I think we tend to have some misconceptions about forgiveness. How many times do we hear someone urge us to “forgive and forget.” And then we start feeling guilty when we can’t seem to forget the offense.
It is true that we are not to dwell on the offense. After all, in his definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13, Paul writes that…
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
(1 Corinthians 13:4-5 ESV)
The word “resentful” there is a bookkeeping term that described making an entry in a ledger. So the idea here is that true love does not make a permanent entry that can later be consulted whenever I need it to use it as a weapon against others.
So clearly we are not to dwell on the offense or keep it fresh in our minds or save it as a tool that we can use to hurt someone else later. But that does not mean that we will ever be able to forget some of the more serious offenses that have been committed against us. In fact, as we’ll see in a few minutes, sometimes God uses the memory of how we were hurt to prevent further hurt in our lives.
4. It is dependent on God’s grace…
It is not dependent on the other person
Joseph was able to forgive because he could see the operation of God’s grace in his life. He understood that even the most painful things he had experienced were used by God for his good and for the good of others, including the brothers that stood before him. Because of God’s grace, Joseph had come to a place of power where he was able to provide for the very brothers that had mistreated him many years earlier.
The forgiveness that Joseph extended to his brothers was merely the overflow of the grace that God had extended to him. And that forgiveness freed him up to enjoy that grace and to be a channel for that grace toward those who had wronged him.
It is important to note here that we have no record indicating that Joseph’s brothers ever acknowledged their sin or asked for forgiveness. About the closest they came to doing that was to make up some message from their father where he asked Joseph to forgive the evil they had committed. And then they placed themselves at Joseph’s mercy by humbling themselves as his servants. But there is no record that they actually acknowledged their sin directly to Joseph or asked for his forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not to be granted because the other person deserves it. Instead it is an act of love, mercy and grace on my part. The Bible consistently teaches that our forgiveness is not to be conditional based on the other person’s contrition, but rather it is to be unconditional based on God’s grace toward us. Here are a couple passages where Paul confirms this idea:
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
(Ephesians 4:32 ESV)
bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
(Colossians 3:13 ESV)
Over the years I have often found that even the hurtful acts of others have been used by God to further His purposes in my life. Often those actions which the other person meant for harm have been used by God to keep me from being put into a position that ultimately would have been harmful to me or which would have hindered my relationship with God and my ability to be an effective witness for Him.
5. It is freedom…
It is not necessarily restoration
Hanging on to bitterness puts our soul into bondage and hinders God’s blessing from flowing to us and through us. And, as we’ve seen this morning, extending forgiveness to others is often the only way to free us from that bondage.
In Matthew 18, Jesus told a parable to illustrate that idea. In the parable of the unforgiving servant a man who had been forgiven a huge debt refused to forgive a much smaller debt that his servant owed to him. The parable ends with these words:
And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
(Matthew 18:34-35 ESV)
When we fail to forgive others, it is us, and not the other person who becomes imprisoned. I think Matthew West must have had this passage in mind when he wrote these words in his song “Forgiveness”:
It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what its power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
While forgiveness is often a necessary element in restoring a broken relationship with someone else, we must also realize that forgiveness won’t necessarily, nor should it always, lead to the restoration of trust or even the relationship itself.
Sometimes when someone has consistently hurt us, we should forgive them, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship can ever return to what it once was. And sometimes, for our own good, we may even need to end the relationship altogether.
Just because Joseph forgave his brothers doesn’t mean that if they asked him to go on a journey alone with them again that he should trust that they wouldn’t try to harm him again. And sometimes, even when we have forgiven others, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship can or even should be restored to what it once was.
For instance, if there has been infidelity in a marriage, the offense can and should be forgiven. It is also possible that the marriage can be saved if there is genuine repentance on the part of the one who cheated. But even if that happens, that relationship may never be what it once was and the offended partner is probably wise to have a healthy level of skepticism that tempers his or her trust from that time forward.
We’ve seen this morning that…
Authentic relationships are enhanced when
I give up my right to hurt you for hurting me
We have also described what Biblical forgiveness is, and is not.
Since I want this message to be very practical for all of us, let me encourage you to take some specific steps to apply what we’ve learned. Like last week, this is going to be a homework assignment, because it is not something you can do in the few minutes we have left.
Practical steps to apply the message
1. Identify specific ways you have been hurt by others and write them down.
2. Pray through your list. Admit to God your feelings of bitterness and anger that you have experienced as a result of those offenses.
3. As an act of your will, release the bitterness that you have harbored against each person and each offense.
• Be specific. Say something like “God I forgive ____________ for __________________.”
• Release that person to God and trust that God will use the situation for good as He sees fit.
4. Thank God for His forgiveness and grace in your life and claim His peace and freedom in your life.
A sample prayer of forgiveness
Dear God,
I choose as an act of my will, regardless of my feelings, to forgive the person who has wronged me. I release them, and I set myself free to Your healing. With Your help, I will no longer dwell on the situation. I thank You for forgiving me as I have forgiven them. I thank You for setting me free.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
Authentic relationships are enhanced when
I give up my right to hurt you for hurting me
Will you take these practical steps to develop the building block of forgiveness in your relationships?
