For the past several years, we’ve spent some time around Mother’s Day and Father’s Day to do some topical preaching on the family. And in a culture that is increasingly pressuring us to abandon what the Bible teaches about the family, that teaching is more needed than ever.
This year, I want to take a littler broader look at the whole spectrum of our relationships and develop four building blocks that are crucial in the process of developing authentic relationships. I am confident that we can take and apply what we learn to a wide range of relationships:
• Husband/wife
• Parents/children
• Grandparents/grandchildren
• Work relationships
• Relationships in the church
• Relationships in the community
Much of the time when we focus on what the Bible has to teach us about relationships, we tend to primarily use the New Testament. And that’s certainly appropriate since that is where we find much of the teaching that applies to all these relationships. But for the next four weeks, I’d like us to see how the Old Testament addresses the way we build authentic relationships as well. So during that time, we’re going to look at four different Old Testament accounts that illustrate the four building blocks we’ll be exploring. Obviously, there are far more than just four important building blocks for our relationships, but I am confident that if we’ll commit to apply what we’ll learn over the next four weeks, all of our relationships can become much more authentic and profitable.
So before we go any further this morning, I’m going to ask one of our elders – Don Gailey – to come and pray and ask God to help us apply what we will be learning.
[Don prays]
The first relationship that we’re going to look at might surprise you a bit. It is the relationship between Abram and his nephew Lot. If you’ll go ahead and turn to Genesis 13, you can follow along as I read that chapter. I’ll stop to give you some background and make a few comments as I read through the chapter and then we’ll see what principles that we can develop from the text.
[1] So Abram went up from Egypt, he and his wife and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the Negeb.
We’ll use the map on the screen to help you put this chapter into context. At the end of Genesis 11, we read that Terah, Abram’s father left his home in Ur and headed toward Canaan with his family, including Lot. They settled in the town of Haran, where Terah died. According to Genesis 12, God came to Abram while he was living there and called him to leave his father’s house and go to a land that God would show him. Abram immediately left Haran and took Lot and the rest of his family and his possessions with him.
When he entered Canaan, Abram stopped at the town of Shechem, where God appeared to him again. So Abram built an altar there. He then proceeded to Bethel, where he pitched his tent. He built another altar there and called upon the name of the Lord.
When a famine came upon the land, Abram went to Egypt, where he deceived Pharaoh by claiming that his wife, Sarai, was his sister. When Pharaoh was afflicted with great plagues he sent Abram and his family back to Canaan along with all their possessions. We’ll pick up the account in verse 2:
[2] Now Abram was very rich in livestock, in silver, and in gold. [3] And he journeyed on from the Negeb as far as Bethel to the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Ai, [4] to the place where he had made an altar at the first. And there Abram called upon the name of the LORD.
Abram and Lot return to Bethel, along with their considerable flocks and silver and gold. Abram returns to the altar he had built earlier and calls on the name of the Lord.
We are now about to see the conflict was brewing between Abram’s herdsmen and Lot’s herdsmen. I’ll continue reading in verse 5:
[5] And Lot, who went with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents, [6] so that the land could not support both of them dwelling together; for their possessions were so great that they could not dwell together, [7] and there was strife between the herdsmen of Abram's livestock and the herdsmen of Lot's livestock. At that time the Canaanites and the Perizzites were dwelling in the land.
Here’s the problem. Abram and Lot both have large flocks and herds so that it was difficult for their flocks and herds to graze together on the same land. The problem was compounded by the fact that the Canaanites and Perizzites also occupied large portions of the land, which made it even more difficult to find adequate grazing land. Those issues had led to conflict between their herdsman which threatened to damage the relationship between Abram and Lot and their families. So Abram proposes a novel way for them to protect those relationships. I’ll continue reading in verse 8:
[8] Then Abram said to Lot, “Let there be no strife between you and me, and between your herdsmen and my herdsmen, for we are kinsmen. [9] Is not the whole land before you? Separate yourself from me. If you take the left hand, then I will go to the right, or if you take the right hand, then I will go to the left.”
Here we see Abram willingly yield his rights for the sake of making peace. As Lot’s elder, he had every right to select the best grazing lands for himself and demand that Lot take his flocks and herds and go elsewhere. But for the sake of the relationship, he chose not to assert those rights. We’ll come back to this idea and develop it some more, since it is the main idea I want us to take away from this passage.
Not surprisingly, Lot chooses what looks like the best land for Himself. Let’s continue in verse 10:
[10] And Lot lifted up his eyes and saw that the Jordan Valley was well watered everywhere like the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, in the direction of Zoar. (This was before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.) [11] So Lot chose for himself all the Jordan Valley, and Lot journeyed east. Thus they separated from each other. [12] Abram settled in the land of Canaan, while Lot settled among the cities of the valley and moved his tent as far as Sodom. [13] Now the men of Sodom were wicked, great sinners against the LORD.
Although we can’t be sure about the exact location of Sodom and Gomorrah, recent archaeological discoveries indicate that they were like located somewhere near the southern portion of the Dead Sea. This morning during “Connections” we’re going to watch a video that will provide us with some more background on those discoveries so I want to encourage you to stay and watch it.
So although it’s not possible to pinpoint exactly the areas where Lot and Abram settled with their families and their herds, we can get a general idea of those locations. [Show map]. Lot settled to the east in the fertile Jordan River Valley and eventually moved south to Sodom. Abram went west and settled in the land of Canaan.
From Lot’s perspective, he had settled in the best land. But, as we know, things didn’t turn out very well for Lot there in Sodom. But God had sovereignly used this entire situation to get Abram right where He wanted him to be. And as Abram settles in Canaan, God reaffirms the promise He had made to him earlier:
[14] The LORD said to Abram, after Lot had separated from him, “Lift up your eyes and look from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward, [15] for all the land that you see I will give to you and to your offspring forever. [16] I will make your offspring as the dust of the earth, so that if one can count the dust of the earth, your offspring also can be counted. [17] Arise, walk through the length and the breadth of the land, for I will give it to you.” [18] So Abram moved his tent and came and settled by the oaks of Mamre, which are at Hebron, and there he built an altar to the LORD.
This event comes at a crucial point in the relationship between Abram and Lot. Lot had tagged along with Abram for some time and, as a result of that association, had become quite wealthy along with his uncle. But interestingly enough, that wealth became the primary reason for the conflict that had arisen among their herdsmen and which threatened to also damage the relationship between Abram and Lot.
Certainly that would never happen in our day, would it? Unfortunately it happens far too often. Just talk to those whose families have been torn apart by disagreements about how someone’s inheritance has been divided up. That’s one reason Mary and I have decided to spend as much of our inheritance as we can while we’re still alive and then leave most of the rest of it to charity.
Or just talk to those who have won large lottery jackpots. In most cases the sudden wealth they acquire ends up making those people miserable and they end up wishing they had never hit it rich like that.
But obviously their impressive wealth wasn’t the only thing that threatened the relationship between Abram and Lot. I know if I’d spent that long walking around in the desert with my nephew, we’d probably be at odds with each other, too.
But how Abram handled this situation helps us develop the first building block for authentic relationships – selflessness. We can summarize this first building block like this:
Authentic relationships are enhanced when
I yield my rights in order to prevent unnecessary fights
Before we go any further I want to call your attention to a key word here – the word “unnecessary”. Not all conflict in our lives is to be avoided. After all, Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers”, not “Blessed are the peacekeepers.” And sometimes being a peacemaker does involve conflict. So later in this series we’re going to talk about how to handle conflict when it does occur and how to “fight fair.” But what we see here in this passage is that it is often possible to prevent unnecessary conflict by yielding our rights.
There were at least two important reasons that Abram had every right to take the best pasture land for himself and give Lot the leftovers:
• His position. As Lot’s uncle, he was his elder and the chief of his clan and therefore would have been in a position to exercise authority over Lot.
• His possession. God had come to Abram, and not to Lot, to promise him that He would bless him and make him into a great nation and give him the land. So Abram certainly had every right to claim that land for himself.
But Abram was willing to yield those rights for the sake of the relationship and to act in a manner that was consistent with his selfless mindset. Lot, on the other hand was so self-focused that there was a stark contrast between the attitudes of the two men and the actions that accompanied those differing mindsets. So let’s look at those contrasts and see if we can’t use them to help us develop a mindset in which I am willing to yield my rights to prevent unnecessary fights.
How to yield my rights for the sake of the relationship
1. Seek God first
As Abram returns to the place between Bethel and Ai where he had first built an altar to God, the first thing he did was to call upon the name of the Lord. We don’t have any record of his prayer, but I think we can assume that at least part of that prayer was spent seeking God’s direction for how to deal with this potential conflict between him and Lot and their families and herdsmen.
On the other hand there is no record at all that Lot ever sought out the Lord anywhere in this process. The Bible never records him building an altar or calling on the name of the Lord. Instead of gazing first at God, he immediately looks at the surrounding lands in order to scout out what looks like the best land to him. His decision is not based on what God wants for him, but rather on what he wants for himself.
When we are out of fellowship with God and all our decisions are based on what looks best to us, we are probably going to live a life that is filled with conflict, often fighting with others with the same outlook. That’s because when you have two people both clinging to whatever they think they have a right to, there will inevitably be conflict, sometimes very serious conflict.
Although He didn’t specific apply the principle directly to preventing conflict, Jesus certainly taught the importance of seeking God first in our lives rather than trying to cling to our positions or our possessions:
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
(Matthew 6:33 ESV)
That is certainly what happened in Abram’s case wasn’t it? He sought out God first and he actually ended up with the best land anyway because God had promised it to him and God was completely in control of this entire situation.
This week, Mary and I celebrated our 38 wedding anniversary. I tell people that our marriage has lasted that long because early on I learned the two most important words for a successful marriage – “yes dear”. But in all seriousness I can testify that the reason we’re still very happily married is that we have both learned over the years to seek God first in our lives. Obviously we don’t do that perfectly. In fact, early on in our marriage, I really hadn’t learned that lesson well at all and there was a lot more conflict in our marriage than there needed to be. And on the few occasions we fail to do that today, we still have a few unnecessary fights. But, by the grace of God, that doesn’t happen very often.
Authentic relationships are enhanced when
I yield my rights in order to prevent unnecessary fights
And I can only do that if I seek God first.
2. Value peace over prevailing
As we’ve already pointed out, Abram certainly had the upper hand in this situation. He could have used his position to prevail over Lot and take the best land for himself. But he was more interested in preserving peace that he was in winning.
Abraham stood back and looked at the situation and knew that it couldn’t go on much longer before there would be a major conflict between him and Lot and between their families and herdsmen. So, because he was a peacemaker, Abram took the initiative to come up with a solution that would prevent further conflict. It was a solution in which he was willing to take the spoils and give Lot the best land if that meant preventing unnecessary conflict.
We see absolutely no evidence, however, that Lot had that same kind of mindset. Quite to the contrary, he was troublemaker who wanted what he wanted when he wanted it regardless of the consequences.
The apostle Paul confirmed the importance of being a peacemaker in his letter to the Roman churches:
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
(Romans 12:18 ESV)
In this case, that’s exactly what Abram did. He did all that he could possibly do to make peace, even if that was going to cost him personally. He was a peacemaker who was actively seeking to reconcile people to God and to each other.
As you probably know, Mary and I are both pretty competitive. When we were dating, we used to play tennis quite a bit, since I was a cheapskate and that was always a cheap date. And we were pretty evenly matched. So even though Billie had suggested to Mary that she might want to lose for the sake of the relationship, she chose not to honor and obey her mom and she frequently beat me on the tennis court, much to my chagrin.
Unfortunately, I took that same competitive spirit into our marriage in some inappropriate ways. So early on in our marriage, we often had unneeded conflict because frankly I was much more interested in winning an argument than in doing what I could to be a peacemaker. Had God not revealed that sin in my life and helped me to repent and change my mindset, I’m pretty sure that we wouldn’t still be married today.
Authentic relationships are enhanced when
I yield my rights in order to prevent unnecessary fights
And I can only do that if I value peace over prevailing.
3. Seek the interests of others
In order to prevent unnecessary fights, Abram was willing to put the interests of Lot ahead of his own. So he let Lot have the first pick of the land, knowing that meant he would personally have to settle for the inferior grazing land.
But Lot’s mindset was completely different. Notice the first words in verse 11: “So Lot chose for himself…” The choice that Lot makes is all about what’s in it for him. He has no apparent concern for his uncle, his family, his herdsmen or anyone else. He has no problem at all putting his uncle at a disadvantage for the sake of his own advantage.
Once again we see that this same kind of mindset is also encouraged in the New Testament, particularly in Paul’s letter to the church in Philippi:
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
(Philippians 2:3-4 ESV)
Paul then goes on to cite the example of Jesus and how He willingly gave up even His right to exercise His power as God for the benefit of others.
Before we leave this point, let me just point out that seeking the best interests of others doesn’t always mean giving them everything they ask for or want. Sometimes that is absolutely the worst thing we can do for someone else. Often the things they desire will be harmful to them and they just can’t see the danger. Other times giving them what they want will just enable them to continue some destructive behavior in which they are already engaged. If you have an alcoholic in your family, you obviously don’t just give them a drink when they want one just to avoid conflict. If your husband is watching porn on his computer, you don’t enable him to keep doing that just to avoid a fight. I could give you a long list here, but I think you get the picture.
Authentic relationships are enhanced when
I yield my rights in order to prevent unnecessary fights
And I can only do that if I seek the interests of others.
4. Trust God for the results
Giving Lot the first choice of land was an act of faith on Abram’s part. That action demonstrated his trust in the promises of God and his trust that God would take care of him regardless of what decision Lot made.
And that trust was certainly borne out, wasn’t it? After Abram had settled in Canaan, God came to him and promised him that all the land as far as he could see in every direction would be given to him and his descendants.
Ultimately we will never be able to yield our rights unless we can trust God like this. Unless we genuinely believe that God is sovereign and in control and that He is able to accomplish His purposes for our lives regardless of the circumstances, then we’ll never be able to let go like Abram did.
I’m convinced that out of everything we’ve talked about this morning, this is absolutely the hardest thing to do. If we’re honest most of us are control freaks, at least to some extent. So it can be a scary thing to yield our rights and trust that God will cause things to go according to His plans for me, even if I give up those rights.
Authentic relationships are enhanced when
I yield my rights in order to prevent unnecessary fights
And I can only do that if I trust God for the results.
The message this morning is primarily about how to prevent unnecessary conflict in our lives. As I hope I’ve made clear several times this morning that doesn’t mean that all conflict can or even should be avoided. Sometimes God uses conflict in our lives to get our attention, to reveal sin in our life or to help us see where we’ve gotten off track. But I’m pretty sure that for most of us, we experience a lot of unnecessary conflict because we tend to be selfish and hang on to what we view as our rights.
My desire is that this message would be very practical for all of us. So I’m going to ask you to do two things with what we’ve learned this morning. This means you all have homework this week because there is no way that you’ll have time to do what I’m asking in the few minutes we have left.
1) I want you to think about all your current relationships – family, friends, work, church, neighbors, school. As you think about those relationships can you see where there is the potential for conflict if both parties in that relationship insist on hanging on to their rights? I’m pretty confident in saying that all of us here probably have multiple relationships where that is possible. For each of those situations, I want to encourage you to think about where it would be appropriate for you to yield your rights in order to prevent an unnecessary fight. And then write down specifically what steps you are going to take to do that and ask God to help you follow through.
2) Even though this morning’s message is primarily about preventing conflict, it is often possible to apply the same principles we’ve develop this morning as part of the process of resolving an existing conflict. So once again as you think about all your relationships, make a list of any ongoing conflicts in which you are currently involved. And then prayerfully consider whether any of these conflicts could be resolved at all if you yielded your rights in the way we’ve discussed this morning. Again, write down specifically what you are going to do and ask for God’s help in following through with those commitments.
Authentic relationships are enhanced when
I yield my rights in order to prevent unnecessary fights
What are you doing to develop that building block in your relationships?
