Going Deeper
"Caring For God's People"
"FORGIVENESS"
"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you." - Ephesians 4:32 (ESV)
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
― Lewis B. Smedes, Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve
Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Perhaps your mother criticized your parenting skills, your colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Perhaps someone called you stupid or put your down. Perhaps someone even hurt your physically, emotionally or sexually. All of these cause wounds that can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness or even vengeance.
We all can find ourselves automatically shaking our heads in agreement when we hear of someone stating that they will not forgive after they have been harmed; especially if that harm has been suffered by a child. And yet, forgiveness is one of the main centerpieces of Christianity and is one of the wonderful ways we can help ourselves and others.
As followers of Jesus we all have as one of our life's goals to be:
1. A forgiving person
2. To learn how to be better at forgiving
3. Learning how to forgive a particular hurt.
Scripture is clear that we are to be both forgiven and forgiving.
Matthew 6:12 - "and forgive us our debts (sins) as we also have forgiven our debtors (those who have sinned against us)" - ESV
Parable of the Unforgiving Servant - Matthew 18:21-35
Parable of the Prodigal Son - Luke 15:11-32
Peter's Question and Jesus' Answer - Matthew 18:21-22
Paul's Instruction to the Early Church - Ephesians 4:31-32/Colossians 3:12-15; Romans 12:14-21
Jesus' Premier Example on the Cross - Luke 23:34
Stephen's ability to be like Jesus - Acts 7:55-56
What is Forgiveness?
The Bible uses several words for forgiveness:
Old Testament - The words "forgive" and "forgiveness" in the Old Testament of the English Bi¬ble1 are the translation of three Hebrew words, namely kaphar, nake and saletch. All three words have the similar meanings - to cover, to purge, to pardon, to lift someone up.
New Testament - There are four main words used in the original Greek New Testament in relation to the forgiveness or pardon of our sins or crimes against God. These are the verb “aphiemi”, its associated noun “aphesis”, “charizomai” and “apoluo”. Like their OT counterparts, each conveys meanings of letting go, canceling a debt, set free, release, pardon etc...
Some modern day incorrect definitions of forgiveness:
a. Forgiveness means forgetting
b. Forgiveness means excusing the person for having done something wrong
c. Forgiveness means realizing that the person was justified in their sinful act(s)
Everett L. Worthington, Jr. helps us with defining forgiveness as part of a 2 step process:
1. First of all there is DECISIONAL FORGIVENESS
"Forgiveness which involves declaring that one is not going to seek revenge or avoid the other person but will do his or her best to get along in the future."
Decisional Forgiveness is what we see spelled out in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18:21-35
Decisional Forgiveness is usually governed by a sense of duty, accountability, responsibility, desire to please and obey God. This kind of forgiveness is usually given as we respond to the leading of the Holy Spirit, as we worship and read God's Word.
Decisional forgiveness is when we make a deliberate and conscious decision to forgive someone of an act or acts which bring an injustice into our lives. Decisional forgiveness does not deal with the emotions. It is what we do because we know this is what we should do as Jesus' disciples.
2. Secondly, there is EMOTIONAL FORGIVENESS
"Forgiveness that involves a change of heart in which one replaces negative emotions of resentment, bitterness, hostility, anger, hatred and fear with more positive emotions toward the person such as empathy, sympathy, compassion and love."
As you can easily understand, emotional forgiveness while related, is at times much more difficult for us to possess and exhibit. It is easier at times to make the decision to forgive than it is to actually change our hearts and emotionally forgive.
Emotional forgiveness is a process and a journey - Emotional forgiveness changes over time. We all have to deal with our emotions when it comes to forgiveness. It is easy just to slip into an emotional attitude of unforgiveness. However, the Bible shares with us that unforgiveness will imprison us. For example, one of the ways we know we are still in the process of forgiving or that we are still in the process of unforgiving is:
1. Does the mere mention of a person's name flood our minds with ugly images and thoughts?
2. Does seeing them cause our blood pressure to rise and our heart rate to increase?
3. Does hearing their voice make us cringe?
4. At times do we find our minds are trapped by constantly thinking about them, ruminating (rehearsing) about the event and the trespass?
Forgiveness is a choice, but it is one that needs the leadership and cleansing power of the Holy Spirit.
So, how can we help others as believers in Jesus? How can we help others to forgive and in be forgiven?
Dr. Worthington, Jr. gives us these five steps - R E A C H (Caring For People God's Way - by Tim Clinton, Archibald Hart and George Ohlschlager)
R - Recall the Hurt ( the real facts )
We have to recall the real transgression. It can help to even write down all that we can about what happened. Write down the facts and the emotions that we and perhaps are still being experienced. If we are going to forgive then we must understand first and foremost the who, what and when of the transgression.
Write down or talk to someone what has been done to try to deal with the situation. Has there been feelings of resentment, anger, revenge and/or bitterness? What could happen to help you deal with the situation? For example, would an apology or restitution help? Would understanding why the person did what they did, help? Would seeing some kind of civil or divine justice help?
Recalling the hurt helps even if we have to take some time recalling how bad we have been treated and what a jerk the other person is. However, recalling is just a first step. It is not to simply recall and ruminate the hurt(s).
“You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”
― Lewis B. Smedes
E - Empathize with the Transgressor
THIS TAKES TIME!!! To forgive, we must change our negative unforgiving emotions to less negative and then to more positive emotions. Typically, this does not occur instantly. Normally, our emotions take time to catch up with our minds and our spiritual hearts.
If we can begin to have compassion for or even experience love towards the transgressor, we will see a reduction of our "forgiveness" and an increase towards forgiving. This takes time and the help of the Holy Spirit. This is that time that we pray for our enemies and for those who spitefully have hurt us (Matthew 5:44; Luke 6:27-28; 1 John 4:20-21).
This is that time that we have to make ourselves understand what might have been going on in the transgressor's life. What may have motivated them into doing what they did. It does not excuse them or the act. But it may help us to both understand them and their motivation.
From there we have to ask the LORD to help us to love them or at least begin to have compassion for them. We have to ask the Holy Spirit to help us replace our negative emotions towards this person with positive emotions. How would loving this person be experienced and what are some of the ways we can share love. Remember, you can love from a distance and you can love by first praying for the person.
“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”
― Lewis B. Smedes
A - Altruistic Gift of Forgiveness
People forgive best if they can see forgiveness as a gift given to someone else. A gift that not only frees the transgressor but the one who has been harmed as well. It helps if we can recall a time when we have transgressed and how great it was to receive God's and man's forgiveness, mercy and love.
Again this is a journey and a process. Some people are able to forgive totally, but others are not so quickly to give such a gift. It may mean that we honestly realize that at this time we are able to forgive about 10%, 20%, 50% or even 75%. Whatever, it is we give that much of a gift to that person knowing that in time with the help of the Holy Spirit we will find that 100%.
“It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited.”
― Lewis B. Smedes
C - Commit Publicly to the Forgiveness
When it comes to forgiveness we must seal the deal. What Jesus did on the cross we are called to do in our lives. We can say it out loud to some close friends, we can write it down on paper or we can share it in a safe small group setting. But the truth is unless we can publicly state that we are going to forgive or that we have forgiven then we are still in our own self made prison of unforgiveness.
Forgiveness is a journey that does have its set backs, its drop offs and its side roads. There are many paths to forgiveness, all lead by Jesus Christ Himself. We must decide who is going to run our lives, the transgressor or us. We must trust God to change our feelings just as if we had already forgiveness the transgressor. We are not lying to ourselves, rather we are living in faith in the power of our LORD JESUS.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. So, it will usually happen that we find ourselves having to start over again or having to deal with some negative emotions at times. Our minds can play tricks with our emotions. And the Devil will do all he can to trip us up on the road to forgiveness. After, all if he (the devil) can keep us in the prison of unforgiveness he damages our spiritual walk, our prayer life and our ability to love and witness for Jesus.
H - Hold On to Forgiveness - Even When You Have Doubts
We are called to maintain our forgiveness. And at times this can prove to be quite difficult. People who feel that they have fully forgiven an offender can merely see the offender and suddenly all emotions and anger come back to the surface. Usually, people fall victim to a lie at this point. And that lie is simply this: If you had really forgiven, you would feel no anger or negative emotions. However, that is not true.
It's like returning to a place where you have burnt your hand. Even though your hand may be healed you may still hesitate to be around a certain burner or stove. You can even feel fear when you are around it. Your hand is suddenly burned all over again. It is healed, however, the memory of that event can take time to heal itself.
What we have to do is to hold on to our "forgiveness" and not rehearse the story(ies) all over again. We must put something positive in the place of what once was a negative. We must not commit the sin of Matthew 12:43-45 and invite even more harm into our lives. Instead, we are to put into practice Philippians 4:8-9. If we talk destructively about transgressions, unforgiveness will multiply and damage our lives.
Be aware of confronting your transgressor:
People usually respond when approached four different ways:
a. Denial - "I did not do what you are accusing me of"
b. Justification - It was justified - usually they believe that the other person actually provoked the transgression
c. Excuses - would it help if you understood why I did what I did?
d. Confession - an honest admission of wrongdoing without excuse.
C - Confess without excuse
O - Offer a sincere and believable apology
N - Note the other person's pain and communicate your empathy
F - Forever value the person - remembering the person's value as a human is more important than who is right or wrong.
E - Equalize the situation - restitution if appropriate
S - Say - I'll try not to do it again
S - Seek forgiveness and seal it in the name of Jesus.
FORGIVING OTHERS THEIR SINS AND TRANSGRESSIONS IS NOT DUE TO SOME KIND OF TECHNIQUE. IT IS A SPIRITUAL DECISION AND EXERCISE THAT HAS TO OCCUR UNDER THE CONVICTION, LEADERSHIP AND CLEANSING POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT. GOD CAN TAKE THE "HEATED" MOMENTS OF OUR LIVES AND USE THEM TO RESTORE US INTO THE IMAGE OF JESUS, BUT IT WILL TAKE HARD WORK, CONFESSION, GRACE, MERCY, LOVE AND TIME.
