2/16 Viruses Ephesians 4:29
The inability to effectively communicate your needs, your thoughts, your feelings and have them valued and understood is demoralizing.
Intimacy: closeness, familiarity, easiness, comfortableness,
union, oneness.
The fuel of great marriages is intimacy.
Our words and the attitude we use them with can destroy or preserve intimacy.
Words:
Revealing Matthew 12:33-35
Powerful: Matthew 12:35-37
Communication viruses:
Anti-viruses:
“Your marriage will never grow beyond your mouth” Jimmy Evans
Reboot ideas:
List the areas that you find yourself all too often arguing about. Stop arguing and find solutions.
Set up ground rules for when you talk together each day.
Closing illustrationNail video as bumper
Turn to Ephesians 4:29 please. This morning we continue our series entitled “Modern Family.” We’ve tackled some tough, even controversial subjects: we’ve insisted that God designed the operating system for healthy, male/female relationships, particularly marriage and when we try to live differently than His design, we fail in so many ways; we’ve insisted that the Bible is right when it says that sex is a gift ONLY to be shared in a covenant relationship between a man and a woman called marriage—outside of marriage, sexual activity damages and destroys; and we’ve talked frankly about how to upgrade our marriages in the area of sexual intimacy. Now this morning we are going to discuss one of, if not THE most difficult, if not impossible, areas within male/female relationships—and that is communication.
Is there any thing more frustrating in your dating relationships, in your employment, in your marriages, than the difference between how men and women communicate? Sometimes it’s like you are speaking a completely different language. If you’ve ever traveled internationally, you know what I’m talking about. First time I traveled to China, I couldn’t understand a word they said and they couldn’t understand me. I’d say, “H-e-l-l-o! M-y n-a-m-e i-s R-u-s-s.” Slowing it down made no difference. And still, sometimes even after almost 33 years of marriage, Sue is talking to me and I promise, I have no idea what she’s saying. I feel like saying, “Hello, my name is Russ.”
Study after study has been done analyzing the difference between how men and women communicate. One study noted a few differences:
1. Nonverbal communication: when men talk, they tend to be less demonstrative, while women treat it as a full body experience. Interestingly, when the genders sit, it’s just the opposite: women sit politely and compactly while men sprawling and stretching out.
2. Body orientation: if a group of women are sitting down talking, they’ll try to arrange the chairs in a circle; guys tend to just sit as the chairs are places; again, sprawling and pretty lackadaisical in the way their body is oriented in the conversation.
3. Disagreements: when a possible disagreement presents itself, women tend to ask question; men tend to make statements. I can tell when Sue disagrees with something I’ve said or we are about to do: she starts asking questions: “Why are we going here? What is this place? Are you sure?” I get irritated at the questions and tend to answer in short statements. “Yup”
4. Interruptions: both men and women interrupt conversations. Studies show that women will interrupt their man’s sentences. My wife is very normal in this area. But men tend to interrupt the conversation by changing the subject.
5. Compliments: which gender is this? “Oh I love your shoes! They go so well with your outfit. I saw an some like that the other day at Macy’s. Where did you get them? So cute!” And how does the man make compliments, if he does at all? “Nice kicks.”
Now these are just general tendencies and so you or our spouse may operate outside these normals and that’s fine. But there’s no denying men and women communicate differently.
And that difference can cause a lot of conflict. We tend to think that the topic of discussion is what brings the conflict: finances, parenting decisions, in-laws, sex, scheduling, household responsibilities. But It’s not the topic that causes the conflict, it is the communication breakdown between the two that causes conflict. My selfish nature insists that my way is right, my opinion is right, my mode of communication is correct, and that always spells trouble.
The inability to effectively communicate your needs, your thoughts, your feelings and have them valued and understood is demoralizing.
And some of you are hopelessly demoralized in your marriage because you can’t seem to bridge this communication gap.
In our time this morning, I can’t cover the full breadth of issues concerning communication, so I’m going to pick one: words; the words we select and the attitude we exude when we use them.
Let’s read Ephesians 4:29, “No foul language is to come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.”
Look at that word “foul.” In the ancient world, there weren’t preservatives like today. No sodium nitrate, no ammonium sulfate, no butylated hydroxsanisol. The only preservative was a natural one, salt. It kept meat and some produce from spoiling and becoming rotten. Have you ever smelled uncooked hamburger meat that’s been left out for a couple of days? Awful. Putrid. It not only smells awful, it can be deadly.
So can our words. That’s why Colossians 4:6 says, “Your speech should always be gracious, seasoned with salt.” So grace is compared to salt, right? Why? Aren’t we saved by grace? Ephesians 2:8, “For by grace you have been saved.”
We are saved from being ruined and tossed out by the grace of God. Grace: unmerited favor. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound—right?
Let me ask you a question: in your marriage, would your spouse say your words are like the song: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound? (another song??) Instead of being putrid and awful and unhelpful and unhealthy, our words need to preserve something. In the context of marriage, what can be preserved? Intimacy.
What is intimacy? Intimacy: closeness, familiarity, easiness, comfortableness,
union, oneness. Don’t cheapen the concept to include only sexual intimacy. In a marriage, intimacy occurs at ever level: mental, emotional, physical, spiritual. And The fuel of great marriages is intimacy.
We were created for intimacy. Intimacy with God, intimacy with others, and with our spouses. But listen: Our words and the attitude we use them with can destroy or preserve intimacy. Repeat What kind of marriage do you want? One marked with peacableness and joy and intimacy? Or one marked with conflict and anger and isolation?
Words:
Revealing “For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart. 35 A good man produces good things from his storeroom of good, and an evil man produces evil things from his storeroom of evil. Matthew 12:33-35
Your words will reveal what is in your heart. Jesus said that’s how revealing words are.
Powerful: 36 I tell you that on the day of judgment people will have to account for every careless word they speak.37 For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” Matthew 12:35-37 You’ll be held accountable for every word you say. Jesus said that’s how powerful words are.
So if God designed male/female relationships operating system, there are some viruses that can spread thru and disrupt your relationships, particularly marriages.
Communication viruses: (build)
Blame
This started in the garden of Eden, didn’t it? God said, “Adam, why’d you eat this forbidden fruit?” “Well, Lord, that woman you gave me, it’s her fault.” And ever since then we’ve been blaming our spouses for our own shortcomings. Stop blaming your spouse. The blame game is a losing game. Rather than find fault, find solutions.
Criticism:
Notice what the Scripture said, “(speak) only what is good for building up someone in need.” Ephesians 4:29 Are you someone who is always critical of your mate? Rather than finding the positive, you find the negative? Guys, when your wife cooks a meal, do you focus on the positive or do you find the one thing that isn’t just right to mention? Ladies, are you frustrated when he doesn’t fold the towels the way you want or do you celebrate that he’s folding the towels?
Sarcasm:
Sarcasm is a sinister form of criticism. sarcasm: the use of irony to mock or convey contempt. When I’m trying to fix something with my hands and fail miserably, Sue could be sarcastic and say, “nice job, tim the toolman.” It’s a backhanded thing that tears down, not builds up.
Silent expectations:
This is a very dangerous virus. Unmet expectations are one of the greatest causes of conflict, and the main reason they are unmet is because they are unspoken. Sometimes they are unspoken because the person wants the other person to guess. “What’s wrong, honey?” “You don’t know? I can’t believe you don’t know. That’s just awful. All these years and you don’t know!” Sometimes a person won’t communicate the expectations because they get it thrown back in their face. Bottom line, uncommunicated expectations are death in a relationship.
Fiats:
Speaking as if what you say is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. This is where one or both of the partners use words like : “You never” or “You always” . The problem with speaking in fiats is that there’s no where to go but down when it happens.
Poor listening
Guys are usually the worst at this. Sue will be talking to me while I’m thinking about or doing something else. I used to just stare at her until she finished and then grunt something without really processing what she was saying. Don’t mock me guys, you do the same. I learned that once I pick up that she’s talking to me to say, “Hey sweetheart. Back up and try me again. I didn’t catch the 1st part.”
Anti-viruses (build)
Listen actively: guys we’re awful at this. When she begins to speak, turn your body toward her, look her in the eyes, process what she’s saying and nod. Ask questions and make comments that indicate you understand what she’s saying.
Communicate clearly: ladies, depending on your man, you may need to be patient here. Guys aren’t always in touch with their feelings as you are. Takes us awhile to find the right words and if you’re peppering us with questions, we’ll go into our Nothing Box and never come out!
Encourage generously: No marriage has ever fallen apart because the spouses encouraged each other too much! “I can’t stand it—I’ve had too much encouragement. Let me out of this marriage”
“No foul language is to come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29
Remember, “Your marriage will never grow beyond your mouth” Jimmy Evans
Reboot ideas:
List the areas that you find yourself all too often arguing about. Stop arguing and find solutions. “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together!” Robert C. Dodds
Set up ground rules for when you talk together each day. Some people want to get home and start talking immediately. Some need to have downtime after work before they talk. Work it out & set up ground rules so that you always have time to talk to each other each day.
Closing illustration
