Introduction:
A. Today, I want us to talk about communication.
1. Communication is always a challenge in every relationship, but in marriage it is the thing that either makes it or breaks it.
2. There are so many things that can get in the way of good communication.
a. We can use a word differently than the way the other person understands that word.
b. Our sentence structure or word order may lead to misunderstanding.
1. Like the blacksmith who was training his apprentice.
a. He said, “Don’t ask me a lot of questions, just do whatever I tell you to do.”
b. The blacksmith took a piece of steal out of the fire, laid it on the anvil and said, “Get the hammer over there. When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.”
c. Our assumptions may never be communicated in the words we use, but we assume we have communicated all that we are thinking.
1. Like the sergeant who shouted, “What’s your name private?” “William Jennings,” the soldier replied.
a. “When you talk to me, you say, ‘sir’,” roared the sergeant.
b. “Now let’s try again: What’s your name, private?” “Sir William Jennings.”
d. The person we are talking with may hear the words we use, but think they hear us saying something completely different.
1. Like the lawyer who was talking with a woman wanting a divorce from her husband.
a. He said, “Do you have grounds?” She said, “Yes, we have 1 ½ acres.
b. He said, “Do you have a grudge? She said, “No, we have a carport.”
c. He asked, “Does he beat you up?” She said, “No, I wake up first in the morning.”
d. The lawyer asked, “Then why do you want a divorce?” The woman replied, “Because my husband cannot carry on an intelligent conversation.”
e. Add to all of that, the messages of body language, and tone of voice, and all kinds of other things that also are a part of communication, and you have a situation ripe for miscommunication.
B. If communication is really that difficult, should we just give up and accept poor communication? Of course not, good communication skills can be learned and communication can be improved.
1. God is the One who not only created people, but he created the potential for good communication. He invented language and gave us tongues to speak and ears to hear.
2. If we follow God’s instructions, and employ His power, then we can experience successful communication with others, especially our mates.
3. Let’s spend the rest of our time, this morning, exploring how to develop good communication in marriage.
4. I want us to use James 1:19 as our primary verse and the outline for our lesson. James says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
a. Does this passage apply to you? Are you among the everyone?
I. The First Guideline for Good Communication is: Become a Good Listener
A. James 1:19 starts with listening – “Everyone should be quick to listen.”
1. The rabbis of old used to say, “We have two ears given to us and one tongue. Our ears are open and exposed, our tongue is walled behind our teeth. Therefore, we ought to listen twice as much as we speak.”
2. If we are honest, most of us are not very good at listening.
a. We would rather be the one talking, than the one listening.
b. And when we are not talking and should be carefully listening, all we are doing is thinking about what we are going to say, when the other person finally finishes talking.
3. A great deal of misunderstanding results when we do not listen carefully to each other.
a. Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame.”
4. Why don’t we listen as we should? There could be many reasons.
a. It could be our ego. We might be defensive and don’t want to hear what they have to say.
b. Or, we may make the assumption that we already know what they are going to say.
c. So, we think we have heard it all before and we jump ahead and finish their sentences.
B. How can we be better listeners?
1. First of all, we need to have CONCENTRATION.
a. Put aside all distractions. Turn off the TV. Close the laptop. Put aside the cellphone.
b. Listen with your ears and your eyes. Look at the person who is speaking. Look into their eyes…look for anger, joy, confusion, excitement, or tears. Watch their body language. Watch their facial expressions.
c. Lean forward, nod your head, let your face say, “tell me more.”
d. Learn to listen with concentration. Got it? Everyone say, “Concentration.”
2. Second, we need to have CONSIDERATION.
a. A part of good listening is not only hearing, but considering what the person is saying.
b. Assess their words, what are they really trying to say.
c. Unfortunately, sometimes we say one thing, but we really mean something else.
d. One wife said to her husband, “Don’t listen to what I say, listen to what I mean.”
e. That’s why we have to pray for understanding as we consider what a person is trying to say
f. Sometimes words get twisted. Phrases don’t come out right. So don’t jump to conclusions
g. Chip Ingram says, “Communication is the meeting of meanings.”
h. So we have to consider not only the words, but the meaning.
3. Third, we need to have CLARIFICATION.
a. In any conversation, there is what we say and what we thought we said. And there is what we hear and what we thought we heard.
b. You may have seen this on a sign before: “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
c. There can be very big gaps in communication, and that’s why we have to clarify.
d. It helps to pause in a conversation and ask the person, “Now tell me what you think I said.”
e. Often times, what a person thinks you said is very different from what you meant to say.
f. Whether the problem is with your mouth or their ears is academic, the important thing is that clarification is needed.
g. One of the best skills for listening is feedback. Ask the person you are listening to if you can check and see if you understand what they are saying.
h. Put in your own words what you think they mean and then let them correct you. If you are right on, then you can continue the conversation. If not, then they can clarify.
i. We won’t be able to respond appropriately to what our mate is saying, unless we really understand what they are saying. Clarifying is the key.
C. Listen to this conversation between a husband and a wife, and notice how they are not listening to each other, and how their assumptions are replacing real listening.
Bob: (Thinking he’d like to go out to dinner tonight, says) “What should we do for dinner
tonight?”
Mary: (Hearing, when will dinner be ready, says) “Why is it always my job to make dinner?”
Bob: (thinking, why is she being so ugly, says) “It is not always your job to make dinner.
I made dinner once last week.”
Mary: “Bringing home hamburgers and fries is not making dinner.”
Bob: “Just forget it. I didn’t want to go out with you anyway.”
Mary: “You never said anything about wanting to go out.”
Bob: “Yes I did. I asked you where you wanted to go out to dinner, and you got all snotty.”
Mary: “I got all snotty? You never said anything about going out.”
Bob: “Did to.” Mary: “Did not.” Bob: “Did to.”
Mary: “You’re never wrong, are you?” And they go off into an evening of anger, and distance.
1. Consider how just a couple of changes at the beginning of the conversation could have made a difference.
a. Bob could have started the conversation saying, “I was wondering about us going out to dinner together tonight, what do you think?”
b. But even if he had started the same way as before, “What should we do for dinner tonight?,” Mary could have replied, “I don’t know, do you have any ideas?”
D. Good communication starts with good listening, which includes concentration, consideration and clarification.
II. The Second Guideline for Good Communication is: Become a Guarded Speaker
A. In addition to being quick to listen, James 1:19 tells us to be slow to speak.
1. Husbands and wives should not just blurt out anything that comes to their minds.
2. Being slow to speak causes us to weigh our words and consider what shouldn’t be said, what should be said, and how and when it should be said.
3. The Bible is filled with God’s commands for proper use of our tongue.
4. Over and over, God commands us to put an end to inappropriate speech.
5. Eph 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths…”
6. James 1:26, “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.”
7. James 3:9-10, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.”
B. Today, I want to challenge us, if we have not already done so, to make a commitment to control our tongues. I encourage us all to make a commitment to eliminate inappropriate speech.
1. What is inappropriate speech?
2. Obviously, it includes speech that is false. Paul wrote, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor.” (Eph. 4:25)
3. Inappropriate speech includes that which is unwholesome and tears people down, rather than builds them up.
a. I don’t need to tell you that words hurt, because you know they do.
b. Proverbs 12:18, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
c. The goal in our speech must be to build people up, rather than to tear them down, leaving them cut to pieces.
d. Therefore, all kinds of name calling and labeling must be eliminated from our speech, like: “You’re a baby,” “you’re just like your father,” “you’re stupid” or “you’re impossible.”
e. We need to eliminate the “always” and the “nevers:” “You are always in a bad mood” or “You never listen to me.”
f. We need to eliminate comparisons, like: “why can’t you be more like (so and so),” or “(so and so) would never do or say that.”
g. Another thing we should eliminate are the mixed messages we send – Sometimes we say one thing, but then act another. For instance:
1. If you ask your spouse, “Are you mad at me?” and they say, “I’m not mad.”
2. But you know something is wrong, so you say, “Are you sure nothing is wrong?,” but they say, “Nothing is WRONG!”
3. So one last time you say, “I can tell that something is wrong.” To which they reply, “If you don’t know what it is, then I’m not going to tell you.”
4. Mixed messages and the silent treatment won’t help the communication process.
h. We also need to eliminate ultimatums, like: “If you do that one more time, you are going to be sorry” or “Try that once more and see what happens.”
1. Nobody likes being threatened or manipulated – that won’t help the relationship!
C. You might be thinking: “David, what you’re talking about is impossible. There is no way that I can eliminate inappropriate speech. I grew up in a home of yellers, we called each other all kinds of names, when I get angry things just come out and I can’t control it.”
1. I appreciate the difficulty of what I am talking about today. We are all in this thing together!
2. But God says it is not only possible for us to control our speech, it is mandatory!
3. We are not talking about options here, we are talking about the command of God.
4. It is his command that says we must eliminate inappropriate speech.
5. So, how can we begin to get a handle on our tongue? Just bite your tongue!
6. The best advice that I can give you is to just hold your tongue.
7. Mom used to say, “If you don’t have anything good to say, then don’t say anything.”
8. Proverbs 10:19, “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”
9. Proverbs 13:3, “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent.”
10. When bad thoughts and names, and hurtful things come to our minds, we need to learn to just keep our mouths shut. It will make a world of difference!
D. Over half of the battle is won if we just eliminate the inappropriate. But that’s not enough, to have healthy, positive relationships, we must communicate.
1. Imagine a relationship with someone where you never said anything inappropriate, but you also never said anything appropriate. In other words you never said anything at all!
a. It wouldn’t be much of a relationship, would it?
b. So, we must develop the ability to speak appropriately to others.
2. Appropriate speech is truthful speech. It is “speaking the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15)
3. Appropriate speech is up-building speech. It is positive communication designed to build others up according to their needs.
a. This communication includes words like “I love you”, “Thank you,” “I appreciate you,” or “I appreciate what you do for me.”
b. When something bad happens and we feel compelled to say something unwholesome and hurtful, I challenge you to think of something up-building.
c. If your wife, burns the roast, don’t call her a “lousy cook, who can’t do anything right,” thank her for her efforts in making dinner.
d. If you husband forgets to bring home the milk, don’t call him a brainless imbecile, say “Well, you forgot the milk, we can get by without it, I’m just glad you’re home.”
e. I encourage you to make a commitment that for the next week, you are going to eliminate all negative, inappropriate speech and only say positive, appropriate, up-building things to your husband or wife.
4. Appropriate speech is also delivered with the right three T’s – the right timing, turf and tone.
a. Timing is essential for the stand-up comedian and the suspense novelist, but it is also essential in our relationships.
1. There’s an old Chinese proverb that says, “Bad timing equals fireworks.”
2. According to counselors, 90% of arguments take place just before meals (perhaps people’s blood sugar is low and they are hangry). So meal time is not a good time to talk about problems.
3. It’s probably not a good time to bring up a problem when you are in the car on the way to a social event. Have you had any arguments on the way to church or to a party?
4 It’s probably not best to meet a tired spouse at the door at the end of a hard day of work with, “We’ve got a problem! And by the way, welcome home.”
5. It’s not best to say, “We need to talk” when someone is about to leave and they’re late.
6. Timing is important. Chose the right time to address problems.
b. The right turf is also important.
1. When we are with a group or at an activity that is never the right time to try to address problems.
2. It goes without saying that we should never correct our mate in public.
3. People sometimes do this in public, because they are afraid to do it in private.
4. To do so will only harm our relationship and make communication more difficult.
c. So the right time and the right turf are important, and so is the right tone, which leads to our last point.
II. The Final Guideline for Good Communication is: Become a Gentle Responder
A. James 1:19 says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
1. The Bible doesn’t tell us not to get angry, but it does tell us to be slow to anger, and once we are angry we must keep from allowing it to lead us to sin.
2. When it comes to communication, anger and rage can get in the way of communication through both the words we use and the volume and tone of voice with which we deliver them.
3. Our volume and tone must communicate that we are under control and that we love the person with whom we are talking.
4. The Bible gives us these guidelines:
a. Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
b. Proverbs 17:27, “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even tempered.”
5. It doesn’t matter how rightfully upset we may be, it is not appropriate for us to holler and scream at people, especially those we love most intimately.
a. Someone has said, “You don’t need to shout if you use the right words.”
B. The gentle responder doesn’t avoid all confrontation, rather they seek to do so with appropriate communication.
1. Problems must be addressed and acknowledged, but they must be done so appropriately.
a. Otherwise the original problem is never addressed and new problems are created.
2. One of the best communication skills we can learn and employ is the “I Message,” or the “XYZ Message.”
a. The “I Message” allows us to bring up a specific behavior on the part of the other person that is bothering us, but it communicates it in a more acceptable form.
b. Rather than being accusatory, the statement is framed as an expression of my need.
3. The formula for an “I Message” is “When you do X, then I feel Y.” The formula for an “XYZ Message” is “When you do X, in the Y setting, I feel Z”
a. So, rather than saying to your partner, “You’re a slob.” “When you throw your clothes on the floor, I feel angry and devalued.”
b. “When you show up 30 minutes late for supper, I feel frustrated because dinner is burned or it makes me feel like you don’t care about me.”
4. The “I Message” assumes that the other person cares about you and your feelings.
a. So, when you communicate how their behavior is harming you, because they care about you they should want to explain or change their behavior for the good of the relationship.
5. I would encourage you to give I Messages a try, they might feel a little awkward at the beginning, but they will become more natural.
Conclusion:
A. Good, healthy marriages are built on good, healthy communication.
1. Chip Ingram says, “Communication is the highway on which love travels.”
a. We need to keep the communication highway from of debris, potholes and detours.
2. Good communication is not easy, but it is possible.
B. Proverbs 18:21 contains this promise: “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
1. I hope and pray that we will all learn to control our tongues so that our communication will be helpful rather than harmful.
2. Remember, sometimes the best thing we can do with our tongue is to hold it.
3. Years ago, a tourist was spending the night in a small southern town, and he joined a group of men sitting on the porch of the general store.
a. After several vain attempts to start a conversation, he asked, “Is there a law against talking in this town, or something?”
b. “Nope, no law agin’ it,” replied one crusty old man, “We just like to make sure it’s an improvement to the silence.”
4. Let’s make sure the words we speak are an improvement to the silence!
Resources:
Communication in the Home, Sermon by Adrian Rogers, SermonCentral.com
Communication, Sermon by Dana Chau, SermonCentral.com
Marriage Built to Last, by Chip Ingram, Session 2, BlueFish TV
