Ephesians: Our Identity In Christ ~ Part 23
A Marriage Mystery
Ephesians 5:21-33
21. and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.
Marriage Like Christ and the Church
22. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
24. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26. so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27. that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29. for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30. because we are members of His body.
31. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.
32. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
(Ephesians 5:21-33)
Whenever you talk about the relationship between a husband and wife, you must always deal with prevailing attitudes. Our attitudes and understanding of what makes a good marriage and of the roles of husband and wife may or may not be right. Even in Christian circles, we have come to accept the attitudes of our culture without critically examining them in light of Scripture. On the one hand, there is the male chauvinist pig movement masquerading as manliness. On the other, there is the women's lib femi-nazi movement masquerading as freedom. Both are dead wrong.
What goes on in your home? Several years ago, a Dennis the Menace comic strip illustrated how some of these attitudes manifest themselves. Dennis is having cake and milk at the Wilson's. Mrs. Wilson is washing the dishes while Mr. Wilson is trying to read a newspaper. Dennis wonders aloud why Mr. Wilson never goes to work. Mr. Wilson explains that he is retired. “Retired! Is that why you loaf all the time?” Dennis asks him. Mr. Wilson tells Dennis since he has worked hard for so many years he has earned the right to loaf. This makes Dennis wonder why Mrs. Wilson also doesn't retire. He has never seen her loaf. Mr. Wilson responds, “She can't retire because she never worked.” But Dennis has seen Mrs. Wilson always cooking or washing or sewing and he can't accept that answer. “That's different,” Mr. Wilson explains. “She's a housewife! If she retired who'd do the housework?” Dennis asks, “Couldn't you help?” “Dennis! Are you trying to make trouble?” Mr. Wilson shouts. Mrs. Wilson finally intervenes, telling her husband not to yell at Dennis. “He's right and you know it!” In the next frame we see Dennis walking up to his mother in her garden. When she asks what the Wilson's were arguing about, Dennis says, “I don't know. I came home `cause I didn't want to get involved!”
There are probably a lot of Mr. Wilson's out there who think they have the biblical understanding of the wife's role. But do they really? On the other hand, there are many wives who have also gone to an unbiblical extreme. We may choose to go to these extremes, but if we want to experience God's ideal for marriage, we must be committed to a thoroughly biblical model.
An Eternal Mystery
This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. (5:33)
Our view of marriage begins with our perspective. In order to avoid coming to the wrong conclusions about marriage, we must avoid the most common mistake in defining marriage. The mistake is to view marriage as merely a social institution. In fact, marriage originated as a God initiated relationship long before it became a social institution. And, I believe, it became a social institution for the worse. Marriage exists between two people before God, regardless of the status of social and governmental benefits and liabilities. These days, I’m not sure governmental entity’s views on marriage hold much validity for Christians. For non-Christians, marriage can only be a civil contract. But for Christians, there is an eternal mystery associated with marriage. The mystery is that marriage is a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church.
This is the highest word concerning marriage. By understanding the mystery of marriage, that it pictures the relationship between Christ and the church, we understand the highest purpose of marriage. This purpose transcends any sociological, economic, materialistic, or physical aspect of marriage. It is true that we need marriage for those reasons. We marry for companionship, to raise a family, for economic stability, and for many other good reasons. But only Christianity gives the spiritual emphasis which brings eternal significance to this temporal union. It is this eternal and spiritual mystery which redirects our attention from a social contract to a divine union.
God has chosen to symbolize the union between Christ and the church in the human marriage relationship. Christ, the Bridegroom, and the church, His Bride, are on display in the relationship of a husband to his wife and of a wife to her husband. This relationship is not simply one in which we get to make the rules. The prevailing philosophies of society should never determine the ground rules for marriage. Marriage is a holy union, established by God, with a higher purpose in mind than human fulfillment. In fact, the only way we will find marriage truly fulfilling is to pull our marriages in line with that purpose.
It is in this context of marriage symbolizing the relationship of Christ to His church that we are to understand the roles of husband and wife. Further, it is in the context of mutual submission, described in verse 21, which is a basic requirement for all Christians, male or female, that we are to understand how Christian husbands and wives relate to one another.
An Earthly Marriage
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we members of His body. For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:22-31, 33)
All to often, when we come to think of these verses in Ephesians, the wrong audience is listening. The husbands especially like verses 22-24. On the other hand, the wives especially like verses 25-31. So, what practically happens is that the husbands beat their wives over the head with one set of verses, while the wives beat their husbands over the head with the other set of verses. The problem is that the wrong audience has been listening! If you notice, verse 22 begins with the word wives. Verse 25 begins with the word husbands. The verses beginning with the word wives is for the wives! The verses beginning with the word husbands is for the husbands! The wives should listen to the message for the wives, and the husbands should listen to the message to the husbands. And, husbands, stop eavesdropping on what is spoken to wives. And wives, stop eavesdropping on what is spoken to husbands. It is not for you!
Let's begin with the message to the wives. God instructs all Christian wives to be subject to your own husbands. The idea is carried over from the previous verse. We are all exhorted to be subject to one another in the fear of Christ and, as a first example, wives, . . . to your own husbands. The word translated be subject carries the idea of a willing submission of oneself.
True biblical submission is never a forced thing. God doesn't force us to submit to Him, and we can never force anyone to submit to us. True submission must come from the one doing the submitting. That is why this is a message to the wives. Husbands, you can never make your wife submit! The more your try, the more you will produce precisely the opposite result. If you try to crack the whip, you may experience a bucking bronco. I once heard a radio preacher trying to encourage husbands. He said, “Husbands, God gave you your wives to complete you --- not to finish you off!” If you try to make your wife submit, she may finish you off! You may begin like Rambo only to find yourself singing like Tiny Tim. If your wife doesn't choose to submit, you will never force her to.
Wives, the message is not from your husbands to submit, the message is from the Lord. You're called to submit to your husband as to the Lord. This is the true spirit of submission. You are not to submit because your husband demands it, but because the Lord has ordained it. Now, you can rebel against the command, but understand that you are rebelling, not against your husband, but against the Lord.
Submission does not mean that anyone is seen as less than, and does not intend for anyone to live in inferiority. When our text says that the reason a wife should be subject to her own husband is because the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is also head of the church, this does not imply inferiority. It simply reflects a God-ordained order to things. God designed society to function in a certain way. He ordained authority in civil government. There is a “headship” in civil leaders over those they govern. You see this concept of “headship” even in the Trinity. Although there is total equality in the Trinity, there is an order: Father, Son, and Spirit. We see in the Lord Jesus a submission to the Father as He ministered here on earth. When Jesus said, “. . . the Father is greater than I”, He was referring to headship, not inequality. Father, Son, and Spirit are co-equal. But each is revealed in the role they perform. So there is “headship” in the home. There is a divinely ordained order there. Each has a role. But both are equal.
So we find the concepts of equality and role to be complimentary, not contradictory. It is true that husband and wife are equal. In Christ “there is neither male nor female.” We have all received the same salvation, and we all stand complete in Christ. But God has a role for each of us, and there is an order to the way society should function. Therefore, as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Marriage is a picture of the relationship of the church to Christ. This is why it is so important that the wife heed the Lord's call to willingly submit to the leadership of the husband. We should seek to be a testimony of God's divine order, as well as a picture of the relationship of the church to Christ.
Now comes the message to the husbands. God's word to you is that husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. We are called to nourish and cherish and protect and nurture our wives just as Christ also does the church. The call to demonstrate this kind of unselfish love for our wives is a high calling indeed.
In many ways, the command to the husbands is much more difficult than the command to the wives. God is calling us husbands to do more than utter a few “I love you's” or to give a few boxes of candy of bouquets of flowers. He is calling us to give our very lives for our wives.
The pattern of our love for our wives must be like the pattern of Christ's love for the church. Christ's work in the past was to give Himself, literally, for the sake of the church. He's working in the present to sanctify the church. And He is doing all of this so that in the future He may present to Himself the church in all her glory . . . holy and blameless. So we must give ourselves for our wives that their true needs may be met, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To do so means that we will seek to do what is best for our wives, that they may be blessed an encouraged, cared for and nurtured.
The husband, if he loves his wife in this way will find a wife willing to submit. But submission will not be the issue. Her welfare will be the issue. Marriage is like the relationship between Christ and His church. You would never find Christ sitting on the couch barking orders to His Bride. We must commit ourselves to be husbands reflecting the character of Christ.
Here's the real question. Who goes first? All too often, husbands and wives engage in a useless exercise. The husband says, “Submit to me.” The wife says, “When you love me like Christ loves the church, then I'll submit to you.” The husband replies, “When you submit to me, then I'll start loving you more.” Who goes first? Here's the answer: you do! Why don't you go first? I read a story, it goes like this:
Long, long ago in a kingdom far away lived a man who wanted to be a football coach. He heard of a coaching position open at a college where they had recruited many of the finest football players in the land. He applied and was hired as their football coach. The day of the first game, he said: “OK, boys. I want you all to feel a part of this team. I know that a lot of you have a lot of good ideas, so when we go out on that field, I want each of you to do what he thinks is best. As for me, I will be in my office doing what I enjoy best—reading sports magazines, watching football games, and talking to other coaches.”
So the team clapped their hands in unison and stormed out onto the field. The coach zipped back into his office. The team lost that day. The quarterback called a play in the huddle, but the running back didn’t like it. He wanted to run a play which they had used with great success in high school, so they argued a little bit. In the end when the ball was snapped, the running back ran the play he wanted; and the quarterback ran the play he wanted. The receivers each ran the plays they wanted, and they ended up running into each other and knocking each other down.
After three downs, the punter came out to kick but had to kick into the wind. He knew it wouldn’t go very far that way, and that would be embarrassing to him, so he turned around and kicked the other direction. The ball went way up into the stands. It was a long, long kick, and the punter was very happy with himself. However, they were penalized for kicking the ball the wrong direction.
The linemen felt that the other team was hitting too hard, so they decided to leave the field. If they wanted to play that rough, they could just play with someone else. Many other things happened that day which caused the team to lose badly. It seemed such a shame, because actually the players on the losing team were better than the other team; but they were not playing together, and there was no one to draw them together to play as a team, because the coach was absent.
The athletic director went into the coach’s office the next day and said: “Listen, we can’t play football this way. The whole purpose for hiring you was so you would be responsible to see that the team played as a team—each player making his maximum contribution. If something goes wrong, you must be there to analyze it and decide what to do to correct it.
So the next Saturday, the coach drew up a game plan and explained it to each of the players. He stayed on the sidelines and paid close attention to each play. If something was going wrong, he explained it to the players, instructed them as to what they should do, and corrected the situation.
Several times he didn’t know what was wrong. He asked several of the players if they understood what was going wrong. They did. When they explained it, the coach asked them if they had any suggestions. The team followed up on the suggestions on the next play and scored a touchdown.
The team won big that day. It was a glorious day. Everyone saw how much better it was for them to play together. Not everyone could be the quarterback. So if they were not chosen to be quarterback, they willingly played the position they were assigned. Each of them gained great recognition for doing well at his own position. The team won and won and won. All of the players were happy because they all knew that they were winning as a team. The quarterback was useless alone. He needed a good offensive line, and he needed good running backs and receivers.
After they all saw how much better it was to play as a team, they decided that they would play that way all the time; and they went undefeated from then on.
Teamwork is essential any time more than one person is needed to succeed at something. In our day we are experiencing a crisis of authority, and it is easy to understand why. Sometimes, those in authority over us have mistreated us, and we have difficulty accepting authority any more. We have had presidents who have lied to us. They have been dishonest, unethical, and immoral. Heads of companies have defrauded the company and investors out of billions of dollars. Military officials have abused power. Politicians have abused power. Nationally recognized religious leaders have abused power. Educators have abused power. Doctors have abused power. Journalists have abused power. Ministers have abused power. We are living in an age of abuse of power, and understandably, this has caused a crisis of authority.
This abuse of power has filtered down to the fundamental building block of society—the home. Just as society faces a crisis of authority, so does the home. We have men who won’t lead, women who won’t follow, children who won’t obey, and parents who won’t nurture. It is every man for himself. The ship is going down, so every person is out to save his own neck.
Against the backdrop of this ominous social upheaval, the Bible still speaks; and it still speaks truth. It still speaks words which, if followed, will bring order and truth and harmony to life. If being a Christian was ever going to make a difference, it needs to make a difference now—in the home. We must not allow the attitude and experience of society to keep us from living biblically. We must each understand our biblical role and fulfill it.
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