Ephesians: Our Identity In Christ~Part 24
Wisdom for Children and Parents
Ephesians 6:1-4
1. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
2. HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise),
3. SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.
4. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
(Ephesians 6:1-4 NASB)
Time passes so quickly. Our children grow up right under our noses, and before we know it, they are on their own. Mine are almost there. Many of you have children who have children of their own. Others of you are just beginning a family. The word many of us have for you is that your children will be grown before you realize it.
Because of these reasons, it is so very important that we heed the wisdom found in Scripture concerning raising our children. Our text today addresses this issue. We will look at the advice found in our text, but there is much more that the Scripture says than we will be able to cover in this one message. The book of Proverbs is full of sound advice for both parents and children. We need to be familiar with what God says in an age where values are so muddled, and a “normal” family almost doesn't exist. The wisdom we need is not the wisdom of the so-called experts that has led to a culture that doesn't even know how to define family anymore. The wisdom we need is the wisdom from a God who designed the family in the first place. It is interesting that God presents himself as a father, and treats us, his children, as a father much in the same way we are instructed to raise children here in these passages.
Wisdom for Children
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. (6:1-3)
Most of us have children. That’s the easy part. The problem is, we don't always know what to do with them after we get them. When you buy a computer, at least you get a manual. My children didn't come with a manual, did yours? We all get lots of advice from time to time. Some of it is good, and some is worthless. How do we know what advice to take? Well, as in all advice, we should always check it out to see whether it lines up with Scripture, because that’s the manual. Our text gives us two words of wisdom. The first word is to the children, and the second is to the parents.
God's word of wisdom to children is simple: Children, obey your parents in the Lord. It is a simple and straightforward word. How it is something that is needed! I know this might be a shock to you, but children don't always obey their parents! I heard of a mother who was asked by her three children what she would like for her birthday. She answered, “Three well-behaved children.” One of the children thought about her words for a moment and said, “Great! Then there will be six of us.”
It should be no surprise to those of us who know the Lord that our children come into the world with a natural tendency to sin. All of us do. We do not have to learn how to disobey, we must learn how to obey. Obedience is a learned behavior. It is essential that this behavior be both taught by parents and learned by children if God's order for the home is to be established. If that order is not established, then there will be constant strife. That is why both parents and children must heed this word.
Sometimes our children's disobedience is kind of funny. I heard of a confrontation between a young boy and his mother that went this way. Mother: “Young man, there were two cookies in the pantry this morning! May I ask how it happened that there is only one now?” Boy: “It must have been so dark I didn't see the other one.” While we laugh at that sort of thing, generally disobedience is not a laughing matter. The fact is that disobedience can lead to some serious consequences. The Greek word which is translated “obey” comes from two words, under and to listen. A rigidly literal translation could be to listen under. What is in view here is a conscious and deliberate listening, listening so as to really hear. All too often our children practice what might be called “selective listening.” In truth, they really hear everything, they simply choose to ignore what they don't want to hear. I have proved this by an experiment. You might want to try it. When your child is in another room, speak in a normal voice and ask the child to clean up his or her room. Generally, you will get no answer. The child wants you to think the request was not heard. Then speak in a very soft voice and ask the child what kind of ice cream he or she would like. I have found you will get not only an immediate reply, but their presence as well! Selective listening.
There are several good reasons why God commands children to obey. The first reason He gives is for this is right. Someone has said that this accords with natural law. Almost every culture would agree that it is right for children to respect and obey their parents. Society is built upon such a premise as this. Even in non-Christian societies, this kind of social order would be recognized. It is right for children to obey their parents.
A number of important benefits result from this obedience. An obedient child is warned from harm's way. If the child is obedient, he or she will avoid accidents and physical trauma. If parents are doing their job, they will warn them of things that will hurt them. An obedient child will also be spared bad friends and bad habits. Many of us could have been spared those situations had we listened to our parents. Children need to understand that there is generally a good reason why we don't like a so-called friend. There are positive benefits to obedience.
There is one condition placed on obedience. Children are to obey their parents in the Lord. Just as wives are not called to submit to their husbands when their husbands ask them to do immoral or unchristian things, so children are not required to obey parents who ask them to do unchristian or dangerous things. This would most often be applicable to a child trying to live for Jesus in an unchristian home. Non-Christian parents, employing the situation ethics popular in our society, may encourage the child to lie, cheat, or steal in order to get ahead. In those cases, a Christian young person must choose to obey God. Generally, however, that will not be the case.
There is another reason why children ought to obey their parents. This reason is in accord with divine law. Paul refers to the Fifth of the Ten Commandments: Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. It is not only right in the eyes of society to honor and obey your parents, it is right in the eyes of God. He has commanded it! And He has given us a promise for obedience to His command.
The promise is two-fold. The first aspect of the promise is that it may be well with you. The second aspect of the promise is that you may live long on the earth. In other words, if you honor and obey your parents, life will be less a hassle and they won't kill you. Quite a promise! Seriously, God does promise that life will be easier if we obey our Godly parents. Hassles at home will be fewer, and life will have a more peaceful and joyous quality to it. Generally, this will result in a longer and healthier life.
Children, the command is clear. But you have the choice. It really boils down to your attitude, and your commitment to Christ. If your heart is right toward God, then you should want to honor and obey your parents. Parents are not perfect. They are far from it, and most of them will even admit it. But you will never make them perfect by rebelling against them. And you will only make life more difficult for yourself. Don't you think that the God who created the family knows how the family should be operated? Take His advice. Obey His command.
Wisdom for Parents
And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (6:4)
We now come to the message to the parents. Actually, it is specifically addressed to fathers. It would be addressed to fathers, since they are considered the head of the household. But clear that what is in view is the relationship between parents and children. Children are told to honor and obey both parents, so you could reasonably read this passage “fathers and mothers.” Fathers, however, should set the tone for the biblical order of the family. Paul addresses the one responsible for the welfare of both wife and children. The general exhortation should be heeded by both.
The counsel which God gives to parents has both a negative and a positive dimension. There is a behavior to avoid and a responsibility to assume. Let's begin with the behavior to avoid. Again, the message is simple: do not provoke your children to anger. Children have a responsibility to obey their parents, and parents have a responsibility to avoid provoking their children. ‘but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord’, v. 4. Each group in the family, not just the subordinate ones, has obligations.24 While children are to obey both parents (v. 1), fathers have a special responsibility towards them and are specifically addressed here. Verse 4, if Christian children are exhorted to render obedience to their parents, then the parents, especially fathers, are cautioned to not to provoke their children to anger. Instead, they are to bring up their sons and daughters in the training and instruction of the Lord. Each group in the family, not just the subordinate ones, has obligations. While children are to obey both parents (v. 1), fathers have a special responsibility towards them and are specifically addressed here. In contemporary Roman society the Roman patria potestas, that is, the authority of the head of the house, gave the father unlimited power over his children, and this law exercised a considerable degree of influence in the Hellenistic culture generally. In Hellenistic Judaism severe punishment could be meted out to disobedient children. This is not to suggest, however, that the Roman period evidences no examples of tender love in the home. But for all that, the relationship ‘in the Lord’ was new, and in this household table (cf. Col. 3:21) fathers are told nothing about their power of disposal over their children. Instead, their duties are spelled out.
Negatively, Paul exhorts fathers not to ‘provoke their children to anger’. In the earlier passage the apostle had expressed his concern about anger among God’s people (4:26–27, 31), urging his readers to deal with it promptly. If anger is prolonged, Satan can use it for his own ends, exploiting the strains that develop within the Christian community. Now specifically within the family, fathers are urged to avoid those attitudes, words, and actions which would provoke their children to anger. Effectively, the apostle is ruling out ‘excessively severe discipline, unreasonably harsh demands, abuse of authority, arbitrariness, unfairness, constant nagging and condemnation, subjecting a child to humiliation, and all forms of gross insensitivity to a child’s needs and sensibilities’. Behind this curbing of a father’s authority is the clear recognition that children, while they are expected to obey their parents in the Lord, are persons in their own right who are not to be manipulated, exploited, or crushed.
What are some of the ways in which we provoke our children to anger? One way is through unreasonableness. If we fail to consider what our children are capable of and load them down with too many demands, then we will give them a burden which they cannot bear. It is easy to set expectations too high, we need to recognize what their capability is and set expectations from there, otherwise they will have frustration and anger.
Fault-finding is another way in which we can provoke our children. By this I do not mean that we never point out what is wrong, but that we take special care to point out what is right. We all have a tendency to point out what is wrong. It's so easy to always look for something to criticize. And just as obedience must be learned, so the art of encouragement must be learned. Our children will respond much better to our criticism when we take the time to compliment them on what they do well.
A real cause of provocation is inconsistency. When the ground rules change all the time, children become frustrated. If parents react one way on Monday and a different way on Thursday to the same situation, our children are rightfully provoked. It is not fair to change the rules without letting them know in advance. This is one reason why both father and mother must be united in dealing with their children. One parent cannot tell the child one thing only to have the other parent shoot the child down for doing it. Children respond to consistency. They are frustrated by inconsistency. Furthermore, if children see parents who live one way on Sunday morning and another way during the week, or hold one standard for the child and another for themselves that is inconsistency, and cause frustration.
One final observation on what provokes our children to anger. I believe one of the leading causes of angry, rebellious children is parents who establish clear boundaries. There is a fascinating dynamic at work here. A subtle deception is perpetrated on parents which leads us to believe that if we give in to the demands of our tantrum-throwing kids, they will be happy, not angry. After all, they do seem very angry when they are throwing their tantrums. Don't we just add to their angry behavior when we don't let them have their way? But this is the deception. When we do not clarify and maintain boundaries with our children, and let them have their way every time they throw a fit, we simply reinforce and encourage angry behavior as a means for them to get their way. Anger becomes a tool, because it produces the results they want. You are actually developing an angry, rebellious child. And while that kind of behavior might work with mom and dad, when they enter the real world they will be in for a rude awakening.
On the positive side, we are to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. We are to train our children to be the kind of people they need to be. The Greek word translated as discipline has to do with training and correction. In contrast to the harsh norms of the day, Paul wants Christian fathers to be gentle, patient teachers of their children, whose main tool is Christian instruction focused on loyalty to Christ as Lord. Proverbs 19:18 reads, “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death” (NIV). Hebrews 12:11 reads, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (NIV). Discipline produces both righteousness and peace. Do not be deceived into believing that capitulation produces peace. Children need boundaries, and those boundaries need to be reinforced. A child will be at peace when they know where they are, confused and angry when they don’t. A child trained by consistent discipline will develop a character of righteousness.
We're not only told to discipline our children but that we should give them instruction of the Lord. What is meant by instruction is both verbal information and verbal warning. The word literally means “to place before the mind.” Instruction contains the idea of teaching and also the element of confrontation. We must share with our children both the blessings of serving Jesus and the hazards of failing to do so. In 1 Samuel 3:11-13 we read, “And the Lord said to Samuel, `See, I'm about to do something in Israel that will make the ears of everyone who hears of it tingle. At that time I will carry out against Eli everything I spoke against his family --- from beginning to end. For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them'“ (NIV). This passage is interesting because the Greek word for “restrain” in the Septuagint is the same root as the word for “instruction” here in Ephesians 6:4. Instruction means that at times we must aggressively restrain our children with the truth.
Whatever we do, however, it is our responsibility to nurture, train, and instruct our children in what it means to follow Jesus. The greatest gift we could ever give our children would be a desire to know Jesus. To do that we must use every opportunity to share with them by our lips and lives just how important Jesus is to us. As we live before them, honestly admitting our faults and mistakes, demonstrating Godly love, and grace, living out the fruit of the spirit, genuinely seeking to be all God would have us be, then we will be doing all we can do to assure that one day they will come to know Jesus. Our lives only intersect for a fleeting moment of time, it is so very important that we make the most of it.
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