Who said the following harsh words? “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites!”
“You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel!”
“You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.”
“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean.”
“You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell?”
You probably recognize these words of Jesus, the gentle Shepherd, the tenderhearted, meek and lowly Savior (Matthew 23:13-33 NIV). How could he talk so tough to people he claimed to love? Why did he say these hard words?
Jesus said these things because they were true. His words were upsetting, difficult to receive, tough to swallow—but true. Quite often the truth must simply be told straight out, with no room for confusion or misinterpretation, to avoid the greater damage of living by lies. Jesus had an overwhelming concern for the people he was addressing. He loved them, and he wanted them to come to grips with the truth before they shipwrecked their lives and jeopardized eternity. Jesus was demonstrating tough love—a kind of love that is usually painful but very potent.
Sometimes we have to do the same with friends, family, brothers and sisters in Christ. It is hard to do and even harder to be on the receiving end, but it is worth it in the long run in order to save a relationship, or even a life. Love is the main theme of Jesus’ ministry, it’s really the main theme of the Bible, and it definitely needs to be the main theme in our Christian walks. There are many ways to show love and if we are going to grow in our relationship with God or grow as a church then we need to find the balance of it in our lives. But we also need to figure out how to treat each other in the process as well. This church has been through its ups and downs. We have seen people come and people go. We have witnessed great things and have noticed some negative things. There have been great rises in our attendance, as well as great falls. Some blame it on one thing, while others blame it on another. Let’s not play that game any longer. Let’s learn from it. This morning I would like to appeal to you this theme of love. Come explore with me on how we should love one another. Let us look to God and His word and learn together.
There are really two kinds of people out there: Tender People and Tough People.
So we have to understand tender love verses tough love. How many out there are tender hearted raise your hands. How many are tough hearted? It doesn’t matter which you are, we all need love, and we need both kinds.
Tender love is badly needed to all people in this hardhearted world. We need compassion, sensitivity, affirmation and encouragement. To you tenderhearted people, stand up: God would say, “I understand your tender spirit—I made you that way. But if you're going to learn how to really love, you're going to have to learn about tough love. How to receive it and how to give it.” We all need tough love.
Everywhere I look I see people who need to experience tough love—precious people who really matter to God but who are running around and around in circles, dizzied by deception. I see married couples on the edge of serious trouble, young people pushing their luck to the limits, all kinds of people wandering aimlessly in the wastelands of destructive pleasure seeking. Too many of us who see these people destroying themselves simply chew our nails and wring our hands, saying nothing because we do not understand tough love.
Listen, I understand. I am also a tenderhearted person. I hate being tough, but I have to be if I’m going to raise kids, be married, and lead a church. Sometimes I allow my tenderhearted side come out more so then my tough hearted side and then I get hurt. I’ve kinda learned my lesson, but not always. It’s hard to show tough love. But somebody has to get close to these people and tell them they're on a merry-go-round going nowhere. Somebody has to shake them and say, “God has a better way for you. Get off the merry-go-round and look to him for direction.” Somebody has to say, “I love you too much to watch you shipwreck your life, your marriage, your family, your job, your soul. So sit down and listen to me, because I'm going to say some hard things to you. I don't like doing this, but I must because these things are true and because I love you too much to stay silent when I see you hurting yourself.”
In order to understand tough love and express it effectively, a person must have two fundamental convictions. First, he or she must believe that truth telling is more important than peace keeping. This is hard I know. I’ve been there. Still am. Second, he or she must realize that the well-being of the other person is more important than the current comfort level in the relationship. I must tell from experience that if you don’t practice these convictions, the relationship will be cut. People will get hurt in the long run. Friendships will be lost, marriages will be broken. Is it worth it?
Sometimes we ask ourselves if we should tell the truth or simply keep the peace in certain situations. And this is quite a dilemma.
Tenderhearted people will go to unbelievable lengths to avoid any kind of turmoil, unrest or upheaval in a relationship. If there's a little tension in the marriage and one partner asks the other, “What's wrong?” the tender one will most always answer, “Nothing.” What he or she is really saying is this: “Something's wrong, but I don’t want to make a scene.” In choosing peace keeping over truth telling, these people think they are being noble, but in reality they are making a bad choice. Whatever caused the tension will come back. The peace will get harder and harder to keep. A spirit of disappointment will start to flow through the peace keeper's veins, leading first to anger, then to bitterness and finally to hatred. Relationships can die while everything looks peaceful on the surface!
The Lord gives a command in Ephesians 4:25 that makes tenderhearted people tremble to their bones: “Therefore, putting away falsehood, let every one speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.” God was speaking through Paul to this church about Unity and the Christian walk. In this particular verse Paul First states that we are to stop lying to each other. Lying is not going to keep a relationship or a church going, much less be unified. Secondly Paul says, we are to speak the truth If we are to have unity, if we are to trust one another, than we must be truthful with each other. But look at what Paul states before this verse. Paul says in verse 15, “but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, —“ We need to not only speak the truth, but we need to do so in love. You ever hear the phrase, “The truth hurts.”? It takes courage to speak the truth when we know that doing so will make waves and rock canoes. But any approach other than truth telling, over time, will undermine the integrity of our relationships. A relationship built on peace keeping won't last. Tough love chooses truth telling over peace keeping and trusts God for the outcome.
Something else we tend to struggle with; another dilemma. Well-Being or Comfort
We need more people who love others with such devotion that they will risk their current comfort level in the relationship and say whatever needs to be said in order to protect the other person's well-being.
In other words, “I love you so much that I can't stand by silently while you work yourself to death.” OR “I love you so much that I'm not going to pretend to be happy while you ruin your body by eating wrong, never exercising, drinking too much or smoking.” OR
“I love you so much that I have to warn you you're not going to find what you're looking for in bars.” OR “I love you so much that I have to tell you that I think and others think that you are struggling in your relationship with God and we want to help.”
Whenever you take action on behalf of another person's well-being, you are taking a big risk. The comfort level between you may drop precipitously. Over time, however, the outcome of speaking the truth in love—especially when the relationship is basically mature and healthy—is usually positive. The obstacle in your relationship turns into a building block, and the two of you reach new understandings, make new commitments and establish deeper trust. But we all know that it is much easier to write and read about tough love than actually to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with someone. Confronting people can be frightening. Confrontation is not easy, so call instead a love talk. “Hey honey, we need to have a love talk. I’ve noticed that you aren’t reading your Bible much anymore…” “Hey sister we need to have a love talk. You haven’t been to church in a while…” “Hey brother we need to have a love talk. You have been slacking in your duties and I want you to know…”
All in all we need to Prepare to Be Tough
But before making an appointment to get tough with somebody, it is important to prepare yourself. First of all, clarify the issue. What exactly is causing the tension in your relationship? Is it a mountain or a molehill? Is the problem temporary or lasting? Is the difficulty avoidable or unavoidable? Are there special circumstances that could be involved? Take out a pencil and paper and write down what you think is the root cause of the conflict you feel in this relationship.
Second, cleanse your spirit. Jesus said in Matthew 7:3-5: “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." In other words, if you feel critical, angry and judgmental—if you can hardly wait to go in and wreak havoc—be careful. A love talk conducted with that attitude will not restore peace. Before calling your friend, surrender your spirit before God. Say, “God, I'm not ready yet. I'm too charged up. I have to cool off and get things in perspective. I need your Holy Spirit so I don't hurt somebody or myself.”
Third, carefully select a time and place for your meeting. For example the wife of a football fanatic should not plan on meaningful dialog during half time of the Super Bowl. Likewise, a husband should not expect his wife to listen eagerly while she is fixing dinner, the baby is crying and the two older children are fighting to the death in the next room. Plan to meet when you are both physically fresh, when you won't be hurried and where you can enjoy privacy.
Fourth, pray. God does amazing things when we ask him.” (Who You Are When No One’s Looking, pages 68-77)
You know, Jesus’ love for us is the tenderest love we will ever know. Our love is based most often on our feelings toward others. Jesus teaches his disciples about pure love though in John 15:1-10.
““I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He [a]prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. 3 You are already [b]clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit [c]of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. 5 I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. 7 If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so [d]prove to be My disciples. 9 Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.”
He teaches that the love he has comes from the Father. Therefore, our love, then as followers, comes from Jesus. We don’t have a difficult time saying this and accepting it, but we sure have a hard time living this out in our daily lives. Why? Because our love too often isn't accepted from Jesus as a gift, it is based on how we feel about others.
There is a pattern for us to learn. John 15:9: “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you.” This love isn’t built upon feeling. The Father loved Jesus, who was most worthy, and Jesus loves disciples, who were most unworthy.
The Father gave all things into his hands, so, with himself, he freely gives us all things. As the Father has committed his love to Jesus, so he transmits it to us. Therefore the Father was well pleased with him, that he might be well pleased with us in him; and loved him, that in him, he might make us accepted.
The pattern of love is from the Father to the Son to us. Christ gave up his life, not passively, NO, but made the Father's love his love and made the act of sacrifice his act and deed. He has a covenant relationship with those he loves and he ordains them to service.
The love of the Father always comes to commissioning his followers who love him. You can’t love and then sit down and enjoy. You are to go. You have been given this trust as ambassadors. The ordained shall be fruitful, shall last, and shall be given all that is needed.
Love has come to us from above. Concerning the disciples love to Jesus, there are three things he exhorts them to do: As the Father has loved me,
1. Verse 9: “So have I loved you. Now remain in my love.”
Our love is shown through obedience. We must place our happiness in the continuance of Christ’s love to us, and make it our business to give continued proofs of our love to Christ, that nothing may tempt us to withdraw from him. May it be our life’s ambition to remain, to dwell with Jesus in his presence. This is a continual act. Daily we must dwell in his presence.
2. Verse 10: “If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love.”
Our love for Jesus is evident by our obedience to him. Observe the promise; you will remain. The condition of the promise is if you obey. The disciples were to keep Christ’s commandments, not only by a constant conformity to them but by faithful delivery of them to others.
3. Verse 11: “That your joy may be complete.”
Through love, commandments, and obedience you may find joy. The words were placed so that they may be read, “that my joy in you may remain”. If they bring forth much fruit, and continue in his love, he will continue to rejoice in them as he had done. Fruitful and faithful disciples are the joy of the Lord...
Conclusion:
What is the outcome of remaining in his love? Christ’s love will be spilled out through us to the world. He died to heal our sins and to give us eternal life with him. He guides us, protects us, comforts us and nourishes us with his Word. But Jesus’ love is also the toughest love we will ever face. He knows our hearts and does not hesitate to tell us when he finds sin there. He insists on truth no matter how painful it may be. He loves us too much to allow us to continue unchecked down a path of self-destruction.
Real love is always both tender and tough. May God give us the sensitivity to know when to show each kind of love and the courage to do whatever love demands.
