In Paul’s brief correspondence with the Philippians, as he drew his letter to a close, he mentioned an issue of some importance in his mind. There were two women in the church – dear women, women who had “labored side by side” with Paul in the gospel, women “whose names,” Paul said, “are in the book of life.” But something had happened between them. They were now crossways with each other. One of them, perhaps, had said something or failed to say something. One of them, perhaps, had done something or failed to do something. We are not told. Maybe they clashed on a matter of great importance, or, as is often the case, on a matter of little importance. We don’t know.
But we do know this. Their quarrel was having a harmful effect on the church. It always does, doesn’t it? Jesus himself said, “No…house divided against itself will stand” (Matt. 12:25). And that goes for the house of God – doesn’t it? – just as much as any other house. So what did Paul say to the two women in Philippi? He urged them. He appealed to them. He entreated them. He said, “I entreat [you both] to agree in the Lord” (Phil. 4:2). And so important was this that he even went on to enlist the help of the pastor there in Philippi to restore these two women to unity in Christ.
People hurt each other; there’s no doubt about that. Sometimes people in the church hurt each other. I grieve that it is so, but it is. We are all fallen creatures, and, as James says, “We all stumble in many ways” (Jas. 3:2). Sometimes it’s our mouths that do the damage. James goes on to say, “How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire” (Jas. 3:5f.). Sometimes it’s not so much what we say as it is what we do. Sometimes it’s what we don’t do. It’s neglect; it’s what we forget – or fail – to do or say.
And feelings get hurt, and people get wounded. And often, as they say, hurt people hurt people. We lash out. We get back. We “repay…evil for evil” (Rom. 12:17). We forget that we are “one body in Christ, and individually members one of another” (Rom. 12:5). We forget that our primary purpose in life is to glorify God and not to insist on or defend our own glory. There’s more at stake in our disagreements, you see, than who is right and who is wrong. If our divisions tarnish the glory of God – and they do! – then we are all wrong.
Here in Matthew, chapter 5, and later in Matthew, chapter 18, Jesus gives us instructions on what to do when we offend one another. Now, before we look at these two passages, I want to be sure that you understand something. What we’re about to read are the words of our Lord Jesus. Truth be told, we ought to submit to everything the Bible says – because it is all the Word of God – but, even if we find occasion to dismiss something the Bible tells us to do, let’s not excuse ourselves from compliance here. This is Jesus speaking, and Jesus is our Lord. We can hardly claim to be his disciples if we’re not serious about doing what he says.
So, what does he say? In Matthews’ Gospel, he tells us what to do when we have hurt others, and he tells us what to do when others have hurt us. Let’s start with what to do when the fault is ours, when it is we who have sinned against another. Jesus says in Matthew 5:23 and 24, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come an offer your gift.”
What are we supposed to do when we have wronged another person? We’re to go to them. Right? We are to take the initiative in seeking to be reconciled. That’s pretty clear, isn’t it? If I have hurt someone else, it is my responsibility to seek them out and acknowledge it and ask for forgiveness.
But now look at the implications. The first one is urgency. This can’t wait. It needs to be done sooner rather than later. Why? Because, as long as this is the situation with your brother or sister, you are out of fellowship with God. You can’t even worship, because your worship doesn’t count. Why not? Because your heart is not right with God. If it’s not right with your neighbor, it can’t be right with God. That’s why Jesus says, “Give up on trying to worship. Leave your gift there before the altar and go. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then you can come and worship with a pure heart.”
This is not an isolated concept. What I mean is that this principle doesn’t just appear here in Matthew 5 – although, since it does, that should be enough. But just in case it isn’t, let’s look at two other places where the Scriptures make the same point. In 1 Peter 3:7, Peter is speaking to husbands, and listen to what he says. He says, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to [them].” Why? Here’s why: “So that your prayers may not be hindered.” My friend, if you are not honoring your wife, you may as well not pray. God won’t listen. What do you think about that?
Or take 1 John, chapter 4, verse 20. It reads this way: “If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.”
You get the point: Our relationships with others affect our relationship with God. If you and I are harboring anger or resentment or vengeful thoughts for other people in our heart, there is no room for God there! God could never be at home in a hateful, hurtful heart. If you think he will overlook your particular grudge because, well, it’s a special case, think again. You are self-deceived. Or, as John puts it, you are “a liar.” At the very least, you are lying to yourself. So, if you want to be right with God, do everything in your power to get right with others.
But what if the other person won’t accept your effort at reconciliation? In that case, you need to make sure that you have truly humbled yourself and that you are genuinely seeking reconciliation without trying to justify yourself. People can smell a phony a mile away. If you are even subtly trying to shift the blame to the person you have hurt, you have no right to expect them to forgive you. But if you have accepted responsibility for the hurt you have caused and if you have asked for forgiveness and made an attempt at reparation, and the person still refuses to forgive you, you have done what is required. True enough. But you shouldn’t give up. You should pray for a change of heart in the other person. After all, the point is not simply to get this messy business behind you. The point is to glorify God by living “in harmony with one another” (Rom. 12:16).
Now, that’s what Jesus tells us to do when the fault is ours. What are we to do when we are the injured party? What is our course of action when someone has hurt us? Jesus addresses this in Matthew, chapter 18. He says there: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault” (v. 15). Did you hear that? Go and tell him! Don’t go and tell everybody else! If the church of Jesus Christ could only learn this lesson, so much drama could be avoided and so much damage to the body of Christ could be prevented.
What are you doing when you tell others how So-and-so has hurt you? Are you contributing to the health of the church of Jesus Christ, the church that is so precious to him that he calls it his bride, the church for which he laid down his life in sacrificial love? Are you? No. When you leak here and there what others have done to hurt you, you are not helping the church. You are helping yourself! You are angling for pity. You are drumming up support. You are trying to build an alliance. Do any of those things eventuate in your sanctification? Do they make you more and more like Jesus? No? Then when you do such things, you are working against the purpose of God in your life. “For this is the will of God,” Scripture says, “your sanctification” (1 Thess. 4:3). If you’re not cooperating with God’s purpose of sanctification in your life and in the lives of others, you are sinning. That’s the long and the short of it. So, Jesus says, “Go to your brother, and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” You get my point. More importantly, you get Jesus’ point.
Jesus goes on to say, “If he listens, you have gained your brother.” But what if he does not listen. Then – then, and not before, you may invite others into the matter. But not all others, just a few. Jesus says, “Take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses” (v. 16). Later, if the offender still refuses to repent, you may involve the church. But in any case, you see, it is still the offending brother or sister to whom you have to speak. You are not now free to have the “water cooler” talk, where you dis the other person. You still have to take responsibility, and your goal still has to be not your own vindication. It has to be God’s glory.
And did I mention that forgiveness has to be your purpose. And, again, by that I don’t mean just getting it behind you. Once someone has hurt you, you have work to do, because the other person’s soul is in jeopardy. Bob Thune and Will Walker, in their book, The Gospel-Centered Life, shed some helpful light on this. They write: “Our heart’s desire is not simply to forgive the offense but ultimately to see the other person reconciled to God and to us. We want to see sin’s power over this person destroyed” (p. 59). Note: We don’t want to see this person destroyed; we want to see sin’s power over them destroyed. Once you and I are in Christ, we are seek in all things to have the attitude of Christ. Paul writes in Ephesians that we are to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.” Why? Because “God in Christ forgave” us (Eph. 4:32).
There’s more, but let this be sufficient for today. If you have hurt another – or, if another has hurt you – what do you do? You do exactly what Jesus, your Lord, has told you to do. You pursue reconciliation – not for your sake but for the sake of the glory of God.
