Self-Pity: An Enemy of Joyous Living
Introduction: A woman was heartbroken when her dog disappeared. She put an ad in the paper offering a reward for its return. The next morning the phone rang. It was the voice of a woman: “I'm calling about your dog.” Then she began to cough. She explained she wasn't feeling too well. In fact, she hadn't felt well for 3 years since her husband had died. She went on to say that after her mother and father had passed away, that recently her sister had contracted cancer and was undergoing painful treatments. Her friends weren't doing well, either. She gave details of their various illnesses and went on to describe the funerals of several of them. After 30 minutes of this, the woman who had lost the dog tried to get the caller back on the subject. She asked, “But what about my dog?” The other woman replied, “Oh, I don't have him, but I thought you might be feeling badly about losing it, so I thought I'd just call to cheer you up!”
(sermon central ill.)
This is difficult to say without feeling harsh and judgmental, but here goes – self pity is an extreme form of pride, and usually a result of a very selfish perspective of the world. People who regularly feel sorry for themselves are miserable, and they tend to make others miserable as well. As I go through this understand that it's important to separate self-pity from discouragement and grief and sadness.
The person who engages in self-pity is looking to find happiness in the sympathy of others.
“self-pity is easily the most destructive of all non-pharmaceutical narcotics; its addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality.” - John Gardner
This morning, we will review the older son found in the story of the prodigal son. And we will see how He engaged in this non-pharmaceutical narcotic we call self-pity.
Scripture: Luke 15:25-32
I. We see the curse of Self-Pity (v28-30)
Self-Pity will destroy our happiness. “....older brother became angry and refused to go in...” (v.28)
The older brother was angry and would not go in. He was demonstrating his displeasure at all the joy at the reception of his brother. This is not an uncommon problem in families: Those who have enjoyed their parents love and affection think they should have the monopoly of their parent's favors, and they are far too harsh to those who have gained their parents affection, and they begrudge their parent's for it. “Self pity is a death that has no resurrection, a sinkhole from which no rescuing hand can drag you because you have chosen to sink.” -Elizabeth Elliot
Self Pity will destroy our usefulness for the kingdom. “...so his father went out and pleaded with him.” (v.28) Self pity will cause us to fail to see where we are needed. Because the son was feeling sorry for himself, He didn't know where He belonged. He didn't understand his purpose. This verse says the father went in to plead with him. And what good did it do him? It yielded nothing. He complained of a lack of appreciation, but whatever effort is made to console him, it was roundly rejected! The self-pitying person ignores any point made about what's right in their lives. They dismiss every positive pointed out in their lives. They don't want to acknowledge this because then they would no longer have a reason to feel bad for themselves. They have every reason in the world to be filled with joy and yet they are constantly complaining of the lack of sympathy from others. They're inconsolable!
Ill. I remember when my daughter Kaitlyn was a toddler and in order to get attention from her family she would throw herself backwards in dramatic fashion throwing a fit because she wasn't receiving the sympathy she thought she needed from her mother. But what was funny is she started hurting herself throwing herself backward so she would drag around a pillow to land on. She would peek around the corner to see if she was in view of her parents and then lay out the pillow and fall backwards. I thought it was funny how she would go to such lengths to get attention and sympathy. Kandy & I began to ignore her dramatic plight and eventually she learned not to do it.
When we walk in self pity, we long for attention, condolences, and admiration for our “unbearable sufferings”. Christians experiencing self pity want our egos massaged by others: “see my sacrifice”, “see my suffering”, “see at my heroic efforts.” just like a toddler who throws a tantrum for attention. You can not feel sorry for those who feel sorry for themselves. Not because of a lack of sympathy on your part but because they already get from themselves what you hope to give them. You simply can not offer them something that they already have. Its like applying for a job that's already been taken. Someone once said: “If you indulge in self-pity, the only sympathy you can expect is from the same source.” That's true!
Sadly, so much time is taken to deal with those who feel sorry for themselves it distracts us from our own ministry. When the joy of a festival to embrace a lost son was on the horizon, the father was pulled away to plead with the other son. Self pity can often distract the work of others and it can hinder the effectiveness of the church.
Self pity will destroy unity “...but when this son of yours has squandered...” (v.30)
Enter in the 'blame game' – “well if it weren't for you!” It's incredible to think that the prodigal son knew his shame well, coming to his senses after eating with the pigs, and was willing to live with it, he knew he wasn't worthy to be called a son, but if he was lucky he may be a laborer for his father. What's sad is that everything the prodigal son feared from his father, He had actually received from his brother. It wasn't his father who was focusing on his past, it was his brother, it wasn't his father that marked his sins, it was his brother. It wasn't his father who condemned him, but his brother. If the older son would have loved his brother instead of his self there would not have been a division. Self love is really at the heart of all division.
Transition: If self love is at the heart of division and the curse of self pity destroys happiness, usefulness and unity; then what is it that causes self pity
II. We See the cause of Self Pity (v.29)
“But he answered his father, Look! All these years I've been slaving for you. And never disobeyed your orders.” It's far too common for those who work harder than others to brag about it. “All this time I wear myself out for you. Look how much work I do for you!” It's a tragedy really that he seems to be put off at what he feels is the lack of appreciation he gets from his father, even though He is greatly mistaken it doesn't stop him from ranting, raving, and hurting his father who loves him! Causes this?
One cause of self pity is limited vision
Notice that the older son could not see beyond himself. His favorite words were “I, me, and my”.
Self pity is a pathetic state of self absorption. Self pity is our own belief that we are victims of pernicious circumstances and hostile people. “Woe is me. No ones life is as hard as mine.” What a shame it is when we view ourselves as a victim, and not a conqueror. What does that say about our faith? We fancy ourselves as Job and not Joshua. We are tormented with oppressions but not joyous in victory!
Distorted values also cause self pity “...you never never gave me a young goat...” (v.29)
This reminds me so much of a child at Christmas time who sees his brother got a BB gun but he got a train, and (sniffles) “well I never got a fattened calf, I never got a little goat before.”
He did not realize what He had. And never do we read that He ever asked for one before. He probably would have received a young goat to make merry with his friends if he had only asked for it. There is a certain character is some people that will refuse sympathy, refuse favor, refuse help only for the purpose, of reserving the right to complain about it and hold it against them later. It was only after his brother received something that seemed greater (fattened calf) did he become incensed. Notice he wanted something that he did not need. = distorted values
Another cause of self pity is having wrong virtues
“....all these years I have been slaving for you...” The self pitying man has a martyr complex, they act as if the “bad things” they experience never happen to anyone else. Even though there are many who have things much worse and don't do a bit of complaining about it. A.W. Pink said “Instead of complaining at his lot, a contented man is thankful that his condition and circumstances are not worse than they are.” The self pitying man's stock-in-trade is guilt “I've done so much for you.” Because guilt doesn't feel good.“I've done so much and I've received so little in return.” As if many years of service would bring about his father's grace. He already had it, his father said 'all I have is yours' the older son had His father's love just as his prodigal son had it. There is no amount of work that will justify you before the Lord. The older son could not understand that working for God was not an obligation it's a privilege!
Transition: The good news is that in spite of destructive nature of self pity, there is a cure for it.
III. The Cure for Self Pity (v.31,32)
We need an abiding presence
The father said “You are always with me....” The reception of the younger brother was no rejection of the older brother. It's best to dine with our father continually than to celebrate with our friends. If we abandon Christ and run away from him, it is not his fault, it's ours. If a child runs away from a good home, a home with love and provision and then complains that He is hungry and cold. Whose fault is that? The father is always with the believer, but if we run away He will allow it, because He knows that's what you want. But..
We should recognize our abundant provision
“ Everything I have is yours...” It doesn't make sense to envy our brothers standing with the Lord when we have the same abundant provision. Our God is a kind Father to all his children, and gives to them all life, and all breath, and all things, even to the evil and unthankful. As the older son demonstrates.
We need to celebrate the achieved purpose
“we had to celebrate because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. (v.32) if there was ever a time to celebrate it was now. Imagine if his younger brother stayed lost. He would be like a ship lost at sea never to be found again. Irrecoverable. How could you not be glad that one that was lost is now found. When we spend our time rejoicing for our brothers, we wont have time to feel sorry for ourselves
As Christians we should never feel sorry for ourselves. The more we do so, the more we lose our energy, we lose the will to fight, the will to live, and are paralyzed.
Self pity is smashed when we see our savior's sufferings and recognize that in a fallen world no one is immune from pain and disappointment. NO ONE!
