Family Strong: Children
Ephesians 6:1-4
Children are a blessing, usually….
A group of expectant fathers were in a waiting room, while their wives were in the process of delivering babies. A nurse came in and announced to one man that his wife had just given birth to twins. "That's quite a coincidence" he responded, "I play for the Minnesota Twins!" A few minutes later another nurse came in and announced to another man that he was the father of triplets. "That's amazing," he exclaimed, "I work for the 3M company." At that point, a third man slipped off his chair and laid down on the floor. Somebody asked him if he was feeling ill. "No," he responded, "I happen to work for the 7-up company."
Eph 6:1-4 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
This passage is very important for the strong family. Let me go back and look at some comparisons and principles from the Old Testament. When people of the Old Testament read or heard the Bible, the New Testament was not a part of it.
When you look at the Old Testament, you see the raw law of restricted behavior. It takes no doctorate degree in philosophy for us to observe that something is desperately wrong with humanity. The Bible tells us that even a child has a sin nature.
Society tells us that children are basically born a blank slate and society is what writes evil in people’s hearts. However, consider the teabag. A tea bag is placed into hot water, like a child is placed into society. The hot water unleashes the taste into the water. The water does not create the taste, but allows it to be experienced. In the same way, society is the hot water that shows the sin which resides in people’s hearts.
The Old Testament approach to address the sin nature was to control the actions or behaviors. Thus, the “Thou shall nots.” Those days of restrictions were important days in establishing the righteousness and nature of God.
But some of the teachings seem hard, unrelenting, and void of grace. We have passages like:
Exod. 21:15; "Whoever strikes his father or his mother shall be put to death.
Exod. 21:17; "Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to death.
Lev. 20:9; For anyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother; his blood is upon him.
Deut. 21:18-21; "If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, 19 then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, 20 and they shall say to the elders of his city, 'This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.' 21 Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear.
Deut. 27:16; “Cursed be anyone who dishonors his father or his mother.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.'”
Concerning discipline, we have these…
Prov. 13:24; “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”
Prov. 19:18; “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.”
Prov. 22:15; “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.”
Prov. 23:13-14; “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. 14 If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.”
Prov. 29:15, 17; “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother... Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.”
The picture we get in the Old Testament is that the sin nature is born into a child. But the Jewish children were to know these scriptures, and knowing them, they were to fear them. Fearing them, they would live their lives with cautiousness, but with a reality that they would probably blow it somewhere. They were taught in their prayers to seek God’s help in being obedient, and that seeking was an act of faith, which in turn, gave them grace.
But sin nature was a problem back then….. and that hasn’t changed, has it?
In the New Testament, Jesus came, and the weight and importance of grace was fully revealed as part of the grand mystery of God. So today, we have seen the pendulum swing, from a society that raised and valued disciplined children to one that tolerates spoiled children.
Despite the coming of grace, children still need discipline. Because of the nature of sin and how it attacks the home, we see two problems. These are between discipline and love.
1. We either see a home full of love for the kids, but not enough discipline.
2. Or we see a home full of discipline and not enough compassion.
In both historical spiritual economies (and I mean the Old Testament and the New Testament), the Bible teaches that children have a sin nature that must be addressed. One commandment was quoted in both the OT and NT as essential; the one in our text.
I. Obey.
“Children, obey your parents, for this is right.”
The first statement to the home involves obedience of the parents. Just as God placed rules and laws for mankind and expected him to obey them in early history, in the early childhood, the child must be taught to obey.
Disobedience to authority is anarchy and anarchy is opposite of godliness. Too often, parents hear Proverbs 22:6 (Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it), and think that simply means to raise the child up in church. There is much involved in that verse, but one way is to teach the child to respect and obey authority, especially the authority in the home.
In the Jewish culture, there were only a few ways a child was removed from the authority of the parents. Marriage, of course, is the first one. A man and woman were to leave their mother and father, meaning their authority and financial support, and cleave to one another.
Another way was when the child reached the age of 30. Why did Jesus not begin his ministry until the age of 30? Because he obeyed his parents and had to be released to speak directly from God as authority.
And, of course, if the parents died. Then guardians were appointed to serve until the child was released.
II. Honor.
Second, the text tell us to honor our parents. Did you know that children can be taught to obey their parents without honoring them?
Obedience is to do what the parents ask and expect. Honoring them is to accept their values as to why the give their commands. Proverbs teaches that in the early days of a child, you teach them to obey. In the later years, when the child has gained understanding, you teach them the values that will guide their lives. Children are commanded by God to obey their parents and to understand their reasoning. That is to honor the parents.
Illust.: We did a lot wrong with our son. I wouldn’t want to give the wrong impression. But one of the few things we did right was this:
When our son, Ryan, was disobedience, we made sure he understood what he did wrong and why it was wrong. I usually announced the punishment at the first of our talks. If it were a spanking (yes, I believe in corporal punishment bathed in a lot of love and compassion), I would say, “Ryan, this has earned you a spanking, as you understood it would. “Can you tell me what you did wrong to earn this spanking?”
He would explain what he did wrong. If there was any misunderstanding as to what was wrong, we would work that out. After he could explain what he did wrong, I would ask him why it was wrong. If he misunderstood why it was wrong, we would work that out.
When we had that worked out and Ryan could explain satisfactorily why it was wrong, I would ask him if he was ready for the punishment. Sometimes it took a while, but everything stopped. We went nowhere, did nothing, but wait until he was ready.
When he said he was ready, we would dish out the appropriate punishment. After the punishment, we would love on Ryan, letting him know that he was forgiven and we were proud of him for accepting the punishment.
There are other ways of achieving the same result, but find one.
The text says that the obedience and honor would give our children better life. It would mean that they avoided much trouble in this life and have a fulfilling life. What a wonderful gift to give to our children.
And children, what a wonderful gift to give to yourself. You are doing yourself a favor by obeying and honoring your parents.
III. Discipline.
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
We preachers can preach three points and add a poem from this verse alone. I won’t try your patience with that.
The biggest question we have is found in the first part of the verse. What is provoking your children to anger?
It is mentioned twice in the New Testament, and the second one carries a little more detail. Col 3:21: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”
Eugene Peterson, a modern day expert in the Greek text puts it another way: “Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits.”
Remember I mentioned that some parents are free with the love with too little discipline, and others are strong on discipline and short on love? This is the second issues.
Training up a child in the way he or she should go means more than just going to church and carrying a bible. It means to train them to be patient, strong in face of adversity, cool under pressure, reasonable in an unreasonable world.
And yet discipline can often come with impatience, cruelty, anger, frustration. The way we discipline our children is a model of how they will handle life. When you lose patience, throw up your hands in frustration, roll your eyes, scream, throw something in anger, or something like that, we teach the wrong things about life and handling it.
We teach our children two things:
1. How they are to handle things when they don’t go their way, and…
2. How they are valued in their parents’ eyes.
Impatient treatment and angry discipline frustrate children. It provokes them and discourages them to the parents’ values, especially the parents’ belief system. It creates rebels who reject Christ and Christianity.
PS. Grandparents can do the same damage, just as they can fill in the gaps that parents make.
It all comes down to how we handle our frustration. It is hypocritical to tell children that Christ makes a difference, except when we are mad, frustrated or hurt.
In my ministry, I have had some parents in the Churches who have done this very well. It is often seen in their children’s life. I have had some parents who were struggling, looking for the right approach. But they were trying. And I have seen parents who did terrible jobs at this.
None of them were perfect. The ones who were best were….(Here it is)…
Those who depended upon Christ in their parenting. They taught their children to depend upon Christ in their obedience and honor.
As stated previously, that is the theme of Ephesians; a dependence upon Jesus, His life in us, His strength through us, His love overflowing out of us. It is not a passive submission but a purposeful, intentional submission and dependence. It is a growing dependency. Notice this…
Gen 5:18-24: “When Jared had lived 162 years he fathered Enoch. Jared lived after he fathered Enoch 800 years and had other sons and daughters. Thus all the days of Jared were 962 years, and he died. When Enoch had lived 65 years, he fathered Methuselah. Enoch walked with God after he fathered Methuselah 300 years and had other sons and daughters. Thus all the days of Enoch were 365 years. Enoch walked with God, and he was not, for God took him.”
One said, Enoch walked among men, and then he had a child. After looking at the child, he decided he had better walk with God if he was going to be a good father.
I know how it is to look at your child and say, “God, I need to walk with you.” Will you make that decision today?
