HOW TO INFLUENCE SOMEONE TO DO THE RIGHT THING
INTRODUCTION: Book-“How to gain friends and influence people”. Paul was good at knowing how to talk to people. He was wise in how he chose his words. The book of Philemon is a great example of that. Paul writes a letter to his friend Philemon addressing a situation that had developed between him and his runaway slave Onesimus. [Read intro to book] Let’s take a look at how Paul sought to influence his friend to do the right thing.
1) The introduction. Vs. 1-Paul highlights himself as a prisoner of Jesus. Not sure if Philemon knew this or not but whether it is new news or a reminder of Paul’s current situation the point is clear-“I am in chains for the cause of Christ so keep this in mind as you consider what I’m asking you to consider.” Paul mentions his situation five times in this short letter (vs. 1, 9, 10, 13, 23). In doing this Paul is vying for Philemon’s sympathy. Not that he wants Philemon to feel sorry for him, but for the purpose of responding favorably to what he will eventually ask him to do.
We see that Paul connects Timothy to the letter. This could be for the purpose of saying, “What follows is not just my consensus but Timothy’s also. We are in agreement regarding the content of this letter.
Then he addresses Philemon as his friend and fellow worker. I’m appealing to you on a personal level as a friend and on a spiritual level as a fellow Christian. Both would be important to highlight in addressing what follows.
Vs. 2-Paul includes others in this letter also. Apphia could have been Philemon’s wife (not a bad idea to appeal to the spouse). Also Archippus, a fellow Christian. It has been suggested that he was Philemon’s son. These people, especially if they were his family, could lend wise perspective as to the contents of this letter.
Included with these two people is the rest of the church that met at his house. There was a church in Colosse and no doubt Philemon was a part of that church. This would represent a separate gathering of believers; perhaps like a mid-week bible study. But we see that Paul wanted them included in hearing the contents of this letter also. No doubt the situation would’ve already been known to them so Paul wanted all of them to know what he thought about the matter. It would hopefully be a learning experience for everyone involved.
Vs. 3-Paul highlights the two things that he would like to see Philemon extend toward Onesimus. Paul wanted grace and peace to be bestowed upon Philemon but he would also later want Philemon to bestow these things toward Onesimus.
2) The compliments. Vs. 4-7. Vs. 4-Paul starts his letter out with a compliment. He wanted Philemon to know that he was someone he thanked God for and he was someone he prayed for. How inspiring. If you have someone who says these things to you you’re going to be deeply moved. This is the first thing he wanted Philemon to know.
In verse five Paul explains the reason for his gratitude. Paul points to Philemon’s faith and love. Vs. 5-“Because I hear about…” How did Paul hear about Philemon’s faith? Probably from Onesimus! As Philemon would later see Onesimus mentioned in the letter he would no doubt deduce that he most likely was the source of these wonderful things that were being said about him. Paul mentioning this would help to set the stage for Onesimus gaining favor from Philemon.
Vs. 6-Paul challenges Philemon to be active in sharing his faith. Perhaps Onesimus hadn’t heard the gospel until he met up with Paul so Paul may have wondered why this was so. I like how Paul frames his challenge to Philemon to share his faith between two compliments. This would help Philemon to accept the challenge.
In presenting this challenge Paul wants him to realize he’s missing out by not being active in sharing his faith. If we are going to encourage people to share their faith more we need to show them what they’re missing out on when they don’t. Sharing our faith allows us to recognize the blessings we have in Christ. One reason for this is because when we are sharing our faith we are no doubt talking about all that Christ has done for us. In actively doing so we are constantly reminded of all that we have in Jesus.
Vs. 7-Paul commends Philemon again. He points out that he is an encouragement to him because he does such a good job at refreshing the saints. He needed to do a better job at ministering to the lost but it was very clear that he was doing a great job ministering to fellow Christians. Paul mentions Philemon’s love a second time. Paul uses word play, appealing to Philemon on the basis of the meaning of his name-“loving”. Paul wants to emphasize this characteristic as he gets ready to make his appeal for Onesimus.
3) The appeal on Onesimus’ behalf. Vs. 8-11. Vs. 8-9: Paul could have used his spiritual authority to command Philemon to do the right thing but he instead appealed to him out of love. He wanted Philemon to do the right thing out of compassion, not compulsion. We too, should want people to do the right thing because they want to, not because they’re being forced to or because they feel obligated to.
“Prisoner/old man” Here we see the second time Paul mentioning that he is in chains for Christ. By Paul highlighting these two things-being a prisoner and an old man-he wants to evoke compassion from Philemon. As if to say, “Please don’t bring any grief on me (an old man in chains) by rejecting what I’m about to ask of you.”
Vs. 10-“my son”. Onesimus wasn’t Paul’s biological son; he was a fatherly figure for Onesimus and since Paul brought Onesimus to Christ he looked at him as a spiritual son. “I don’t call you ‘son’ because you’re mine; I call you ‘son’ because you shine.” Onesimus is now a child of God; he is now part of the family of God-like Paul-like Philemon. Paul is setting the stage for Philemon to no longer look at Onesimus as a slave but as family (as he will expound on in verse 16).
Vs. 11- “Formerly useless to you…but now he is useful.” Formerly useless in the sense that he had run away. Not only is Paul serious about what he is saying but it’s also a play on words regarding the meaning of the name Onesimus-which is, “useful”. This would be a reminder to Philemon that since God had commissioned your parents to give you a name that means “loving”, he also commissioned Onesimus’ parents to give him a name that meant “useful”. Therefore, to render him useless would be going against what God had ordained him as-useful.
Often times we may feel useless. The world may judge us by a certain standard that would classify us as no longer useful. But God sees us differently. If we are going to influence people to do the right thing toward someone else we need to show them that person’s worth and remind them that feeling useless hurts.
4) The ball’s in your court, Philemon. Vs. 12-16. Vs. 12-Onesimus going back was not an easy thing to do. He could’ve been put to death for running away. If this be the case one might wonder why Paul would send him back. After his conversion Onesimus may have been convicted and in repentance wanted to go back. Regardless of whether it came from Paul or Onesimus, it was the right thing to do. Risky as it may be, Paul wanted everyone to know that doing the right thing was the most important thing, regardless of the risk.
Paul wanted this gesture to be obvious to Philemon as well (13-14). “I am sending him back knowing that if you wanted to you could put him to death for running away. Does this not speak of his willingness to do the right thing despite the risks? And keep in mind that I would love to have him here helping me. But I’m not going to do the shady thing and keep him here secretly but instead I’m going to send him back, hoping for you to do the right thing.” Paul was hoping that Philemon would not only forgive Onesimus for what he did but go further than that-send him back to Paul so that he could be help him out with his work.
Vs. 15-Paul wants to help Philemon to see what happened not merely as an act of rebellion but as something God used to bring Onesimus to the faith. If we are going to influence people to do the right thing we need to be looking for God’s hand in an unfortunate incident. Always pointing to the possibility of the will of God in any given situation will cause a fellow believer to step back and consider things from a different perspective.
With Paul saying this I can see a tie-in to what he said earlier in vs. 6, “I pray that you are actively sharing your faith”. Here is a teachable moment for Philemon; as it was Paul, not Philemon, who brought Onesimus to Christ. Paul is saying to Philemon, “I don’t care if these people are your servants; they need to hear the gospel too. And, as I brought you to faith in Jesus, so now it is your turn to share Christ with all those whom God has placed under your care.”
Vs. 16-“no longer as a slave but as a brother”. Paul is appealing to the new bond of equality that existed as a result of Onesimus’ salvation. Now there is unity between Onesimus and Philemon. Gal. 3:28, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Paul says, “He is dear to me but more so you. As much as I have affection and regard for him you should have it to an even greater level than I. So, my friend, what will you do now?
5) The appeal on Paul’s behalf. Vs. 17-22. Vs. 17-As Onesimus is now one in Christ with Paul (and Philemon as well), Paul puts that reality in perspective. “Welcome him as lovingly and as joyously as you would welcome me; because we are both your brothers in Christ.” When we are trying to influence a fellow believer to do the right thing we will need to remind them of the unity and fellowship that should exists among believers.
Vs. 18-We see Paul doing something extreme here-he asks Philemon to charge Onesimus’ offense to him. Paul says, “I will take responsibility for his actions.” What Onesimus did was punishable by death. Paul offering to take his punishment showed that he was willing to die for him. This would be an unbelievable offer to extend. This would have a definite impact on Philemon. This would show Philemon how loved and valued Onesimus was to Paul (and how loved and valued Onesimus should be to him). We may need to take extreme measures in order to influence someone to do the right thing.
This would also give Philemon a reminder of what Jesus had done for him. Philemon had a price he owed as a slave to sin but Jesus loved and valued him enough to pay that price so he could be set free. Before, Philemon, you were useless in your sin but now, as a Christian, you are useful. Therefore, shouldn’t you do the same; shouldn’t you have the same regard, for Onesimus? Shouldn’t we regarding one another? Eph. 4:32-5:2, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Kent Crockett said, “We base our forgiveness on what God has done for us, not on what another person has done to us.”
Vs. 19a-“my own hand”. This shows that this is my offer and I verify it by my own writing; this is completely legit. Since Paul knew this offer would be hard to believe he authenticated it by putting it in his own writing.
Vs. 19b-20-Paul reminds Philemon of the sacrifice he made for him. Paul isn’t puffing himself up and he isn’t using coercion-he’s simply putting things in perspective for Philemon. In essence Paul may be saying, “I shouldn’t have to remind you of this but don’t forget what was done for you.
And I’m not asking you do anything for me; it’s for Onesimus.” Philemon would realize that Paul wasn’t mentioning this because he wanted something in return for himself (which is what typically happens when someone mentions something they did for someone). No, Paul’s concern was for the safety and wellbeing of Onesimus. Paul’s concern was for the restored relationship between Philemon and Onesimus. Paul’s concern was for the right example to be shown for the edification of the saints. Paul’s concern was for the example of love and forgiveness that would get lost people’s attention. We can influence people to do the right thing when they see that we are about God’s agenda; not our own.
Vs. 21-Paul shows confidence that Philemon will do the right thing. It’s like Paul is saying, “In all these appeals I’m making in spelling out what you should do, I have every reason to believe, knowing your character, that you will indeed do what I’m asking of you.” Paul isn’t using flattery to try to get Philemon to do the right thing. He is speaking truth about his friend and he is drawing from that truth to compel Philemon to do the right thing.
Vs. 22-Paul has a sincere desire to visit his friend. However, I can’t help wondering if there isn’t a hint of accountability in this statement as if to say, “I hope to visit you soon so I can make sure you followed through on doing the right thing.” Accountability is a good thing when we’re trying to influence someone to do the right thing.
Vs. 23-24. Here we see Paul mentioning the prison thing again. This time he includes another Christian, Epaphras. I think the emphasis could be used to show perspective. It's as if Paul is saying, "I know you've been wronged and it's caused you grief but put that in perspective to the suffering I and my fellow Christians are enduring being in chains". This would help Paul's case in getting Philemon to do the right thing.
Vs. 25-Paul ends on the same not he introduced at the beginning in verse three-grace. He wants Philemon to remember grace. "You've received it; now extend it."
CONCLUSION: So, did Philemon forgive and welcome Onesimus? Scripture doesn’t say. Although commentators point to the fact that the preservation of this letter is a good indicator that he did. Another indicator that all ended well is that tradition states that Onesimus eventually became the Bishop of Ephesus. In order for Paul to turn a slave (whose actions rendered him good as dead) into someone who would be forgiven and welcomed as a brother, he needed to build a rapport with Philemon before making his appeal for Onesimus. He had to be tactful and loving in his approach. He used wordplay and various tactics to try to change the mind and melt the heart of Philemon towards Onesimus. We can use these same principles to influence people to do the right thing.
