HURTING PEOPLE HURTING PEOPLE
Maybe you think that is a mistake… Nope!
Today, as we look at our Faith Family Tree, we are going to be looking at Joseph.
Listen: We are going to take this very familiar story and look at it in a new way, to try to learn something new.
Hopefully it is a way you never looked at it, I know I never saw it this way.
If someone were to ask you to finish this sentence, how would you do it?
The story of Joseph is a story of……what?
A special coat, a scorned woman’s wrath, jealous brothers, WHAT?
It could be any of those, and they would all make good sermons.
HOWEVER… I would finish that sentence this way…
The story of Joseph is a story of……Hurting People Hurting People?
Write this down… IT’S EASY FOR HURTING PEOPLE TO HURT PEOPLE
If you go through this whole story, what you see… over and over, is…
Hurting people hurting people…
people who are hurting are hurting other people… because they are hurting.
It is one of the most natural thing for humans to do… when we are hurt, we want to hurt back… strike back to hurt the person who hurt us
Eye for an eye
When those who were hurt by others, react out of their pain (even from events that happened long ago) they potentially create more pain. It’s a vicious cycle of deception—one which can grow rapidly, thus creating MORE hurting people who hurt people.
One of Adam's descendants, named Lamech, is a perfect example. He said to his wives, Adah and Zillah, “Wives of Lamech, listen to my speech! For I have killed a man for wounding me, even a young man for hurting me" (Genesis 4:23). End of story.
We don't know anything else. We don’t know if he was young or old, good or bad, rich or poor. All we know is… someone hurt him… and he hurt them.
Natural human nature kicked in… hurt for hurt!
Let’s look at the story of Joseph and see hurting people hurting people.
JACOB – he was hurt by his father’s rejection. His father showed open favoritism for Esau. Jacob was forced to play second fiddle.
IT SCARRED HIM FOR LIFE… DEEP, DEEP HURT
Then, Jacob, who you would think would know better, did exactly the same thing.
He showed open favoritism for one wife and for her children. The other wife and handmaidens were forced to play second-fiddle.
THEY WERE HURT… and they hated the one who hurt them… and they wanted to HURT BACK!!!
They hated Jacob!!! That is one of the reasons they wanted to kill Joseph… to hurt Jacob.
Another thing that is true about hurting people… sometimes they are unable to hurt the one who hurt them, so they seek to hurt someone else.
They were really acting out of hatred for Jacob… for the way he slighted their mothers. They had grown up watching their mothers treated like sloppy-seconds. They hated Jacob before Joseph was born. When he was born, they transferred their hate to him.
Another thing hurting people do is… they interpret everything they see or hear through a filter of pain and hurt.
Every time Jacob would say something good about Joseph or give him a gift, his brothers heard the words “I hate you” and saw Joseph’s gift as robbing them.
We don’t know that Jacob did not give gifts to the brothers, or that he did not praise them.
But they were hurt and it affected what they saw and heard.
Their hurt made it difficult for them to see or hear the truth.
You may know people like this. This may even be your problem. Perhaps you too have developed a filter, a lens of hurt that affects how you see life.
It is not natural for anyone to be a murderer, especially for brothers to kill each other.
That is why it is so surprising to read Genesis 37:19, 20…“Here comes that dreamer" they shouted. ‘“Come now, let’s kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious animal devoured him. Then we’ll see what comes of his dream”.
This degree of hatred and this type of situation had to brew over a long time and involve a lot of hurts.
But the actions of the brothers make more sense when you remember that Hurt people often erupt with inappropriate emotion because particular words, actions, or circumstances “touch” and “trigger” past wounded-ness.
I have been in situations with people in which there was a gross overreaction to a word I spoke or an action that was taken. Although I was shocked and thought this reaction came “out of left field” it was really the person responding to an accumulation of years of hurt and pain that could not help but spill over in various situations.
I myself have been in situations where I felt hurt, troubled, or overreacted to something because it touched a nerve with what I was still dealing with because of a wound I received in the past.
Have you ever found yourself dealing with inappropriate anger and emotions and wondered where it came from?
These brothers, instead of being amoral and heartless were really hurting people who did not know how to deal with the hurt.
Hurt does not just go away. It is like a hot coal. You can’t hold onto it because it will hurt you. You have to put it somewhere, do something with it. Usually… we dump it on the people closest to us.
Let’s move on in the story. Next we see Mrs. Potiphar. I believe she was a hurting person too. Her husband seems to be more interested in his business than her. She is forced to play second-fiddle. She feels rejected and unwanted. She is possibly a much younger woman whose parents arranged this marriage to an older, rich man.
I believe she sees Joseph as more than a young stud… she sees someone she admires, maybe more her age and he is THERE!!!!
She was possibly interested in much more than sex, but thought sex was the way to get to this young man (30 years old). When Joseph rejected her advances, it was not an isolated incident… it touched a raw nerve she had been nursing… it wounded her already wounded self-image.
Her over-reaction… accusing him of rape… which she knew would get him executed… was just the reaction of a hurting person hurting someone else.
It was her attempt to do something with the hot coal… the hurt.
In the process she burned an innocent person.
Enter Potiphar. Now for him to respond with great emotion to the attempted rape of his wife is not unusual. But I believe it still illustrates my point about hurting people hurting people.
Potiphar was obviously a wealthy person. Many times, wealthy persons acquire wealth in an attempt to overcome hurts in their lives… being abandoned by a parent, or being picked on, or coming up on the wrong side of the tracks... maybe trying to win the approval of a father.
Perhaps Joseph’s alleged actions touched a raw nerve in Potiphar… like maybe … he interpreted Joseph’s alleged actions as robbing him of his stuff… which was the validation of his self-worth… that had been wounded at an earlier time by someone else.
Even if it was none of that… the point is the same… Potiphar was hurt because this person whom he trusted… implicitly… broke the sacred trust and Potiphar was crushed that someone so close to him and so respected would do such a thing. Perhaps it was his pride that was wounded… perhaps his sense of justice. BUT HE WAS HURT!!!
And what do hurting people do? HURTING PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE
So we see Joseph, who, as far as we know… was innocent in each of these events…
Not his fault that his father loved Rachel more
Not his fault that his father showed favoritism… hurt brothers
Not his fault God gave him these dreams and wanted him to share
Not his fault that Mrs. Potiphar made a move on him
Not his fault her life was and marriage were messed up
Not his fault that Potiphar was hurt at some earlier time
All of these people had been hurt… had raw, sensitive wounds that were re-opened by something Joseph did or did not do.
Each of them had the hot coal and had held onto it until they were burned terribly… low self-esteem, jealousy, hatred.
Joseph was the one on whom all of these people heaped their hot coals… their hurts and their pain.
So let’s look at Joseph. He had been hurt too.
Hated by his big brothers… whom he respected
Put in this situation by a dysfunctional father
Almost murdered and then SOLD… by brothers!!!
SOLD again as a slave in a strange land
Accused of crime and had no trial… no justice
13 years in prison for a crime he did not commit
Who did he blame????
What would you expect Joseph to do or his attitude to be?
Act out, burn others with his hot coal, his hurt and his anger.
Hurt people often portray themselves as victims and carry a “victim spirit”.
Often hurt people can cry “racism,” “sexism,” “homophobia,” or often use the words “unjust” or “unfair” to describe the way they are being treated, even if there is no truth to this.
Joseph could have been one of these “victims” who blame the world and are filled with self-pity.
Hurt people have a hard time entering into a trusting relationship.
Joseph could have blamed God for all of his troubles and could have used that hurt and blame to keep him from trusting God
But he didn’t. Even after all the injustice in his life… including 13 years in prison… when He stands before the king… he gives glory to God and shows faith in Him.
Genesis 41:16 16 So Joseph answered Pharaoh, saying, “It is not in me; God will give Pharaoh an answer of peace.”
Joseph’s hurts did not become wedges to drive him away from God… but toward.
Hurt people are often self-absorbed with their own pain and are unaware that they are hurting other people.
Joseph could have sat in the corner of his cell and had a pity party.
He could have been so self-absorbed in his hurt and his blame that he refused to have any relationship with other people out of fear of being hurt again.
He could have sat there and nursed his wounds… constantly pulling the scab off so that the hurts never healed and caused him to be bitter and anti-social.
Hurting are often insensitive to other people because their emotional pain limits their capacity for empathy and their capacity for self-awareness.
But Joseph wasn’t. He was actually interested in the hurts and feelings of other people. He was close enough to the ex-servants of the king that they poured out their dreams to him.
Men don’t just do that!!!
You can see Joseph displayed such a spirit of helpfulness and interest in others that he won this trust.
Each of us has been in numerous situations when someone hurt me and kept on going in the relationship without ever apologizing because they had no clue what they were doing.
We might even BE that person... trampling unnoticed upon the feelings of others… blinded by our hurt.
Hurt people are susceptible to demonic deception.
Hurting people are the easiest people of all for Satan to attack… because they have so many doors open to him.
He can come through the door of blame… he just points a finger at all of the people who have hurt you.
And he is able to hide because you have on the lens that colors all you see… so he uses those lens to tell you all kinds of lies about the other persons blame and your right to feel like you do
He plays the “victim” card… convincing you that you are innocent of any blame… the other person bears all the blame.
He brings up “old hurts” and picks the scab off, opening you to new pain over old hurts… as if they were fresh.
Satan works in darkness and deception, and stays away from the light. Hurt people often have destructive habit-patterns that are practiced in the dark. Hence, their mind becomes a breeding ground for satanic infiltration and deception.
Look at Jesus in the garden praying… and on the cross. These were the two lowest times in Jesus’ life.
And what did Satan do? He attacked him.
In the garden… Satan tried to cause Jesus to become self-absorbed.
But Jesus didn’t… He was God-absorbed
On the cross… Satan tried to get Jesus to blame others and be bitter
But Jesus didn’t… He prayed, “Father forgive them.”
Somehow… Joseph rejected Satan’s attacks and did not allow Satan to possess his heart or his mind.
How did he do it? HOW CAN WE????
Well, for this answer I will not go to psychiatrists or therapists. I will go to the top… to Jesus. He had the answer 2000 years ago.
Matthew 5:43-44 43“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’44But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you
Now, your first thought may be… I CAN”T DO THAT!!!! … or… How will that help ME????
Well let’s see…
PRAY FOR THEM
In order to pray FOR them… you have to put yourself in their place… think about what they need, how they feel, what they are going through.
I think that is how Joseph kept from becoming bitter towards his brothers. He knew how unfair his father was. He saw his brothers hurt over and over by slights real and imagined.
He was able to love his father and his brothers because he was able to understand them both… to see them in the best light… as good people who did bad things… sometimes without knowing what they were doing.
When his brothers threw him in the well… he could have seen them as monsters… doing some hideous thing because they were hideous people
But he did not. He understood the many years of stored up hate and hurt. He saw them as hurting people
And that changed them from monsters doing vile things by nature to normal, even good people, doing bad things.
When people hurt us, we have a choice…
We can focus on our hurt, become self-absorbed and we will come to see them as monsters…
Or we can try to understand their hurt that causes them to do those things
And that will change them from monsters to people like us, who are hurting and are just acting out of their hurt
It might have been easier to swallow if Jesus had started with PRAY FOR THEM before He got to LOVE THEM
As long as we focus on the deed or word they used to hurt us… they will be monsters… and monsters are unlovable… we cannot love them as long as we see them that way
It is not until we turn them into people, that we can love them and be able to deal with the hurt they cause us.
I suspect if we’re honest with ourselves, most of us can identify moments when we acted thoughtlessly from a place of sorrow or anger. Tinybuddah.com
If we can put ourselves in their place… empathize with them, feel their hurt that causes them to hurt…
WE CAN LOVE THEM
And we won’t be hurt nearly so much or as often.
But for the hurt we do have… Jesus gave us instructions about that too.
FORGIVE THEM
What does forgive mean? It does not mean forget. You may forget, in time… maybe not.
You don’t have to forget to forgive.
Forgive means
To stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
To cancel (a debt).
synonyms: pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve;
It literally means to stop pulling the scab off the wound and let it heal
ILL: If you cut me on the hand (hurt me)
To forgive you doesn’t mean I have to forget that you did it.
I also don’t have to stick my hand out and allow you to do it again
Forgetting and letting you have a second shot are not forgiving and are not necessary for forgiveness
To forgive you I just have to stop reliving the hurt, rehearsing the thing
LET IT GO… LET YOU GO… FORGET REVENGE… MOVE ON
I can’t move on or let it go… if I still see myself as a victim or you as the victimizer
But if I see you as a fellow victim, who is also hurt and if acting out of hurt… then I can understand, can let you go and can move on.
SO… THE CHOICE IS OUR’S …
WHEN WE ARE HURT…
Make the person into a monster and be filled with anger and want to hurt back
OR
See the monster is really just a person, a fellow hurtee
And forgive and pray for them and love them
15. Hurt people need to forgive to be released and restored to freedom.
• The Gospel of St. John 20:23 says that we have to release the sins of others if we are going to be released. This means that if we do not forgive others then the very thing we have become victimized with will become a part of our life. For example, alcoholic fathers breed alcoholic sons if their sons do not forgive and release their fathers.
• The good news is that, through the efficacious blood of Christ, we can all be healed and set free from all past hurts so we can comfort others with the same comfort we ourselves have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:4).
Marriagemissions.com
Daphne DeLay mirrorministries.org
I suspect if we’re honest with ourselves, most of us can identify moments when we acted thoughtlessly from a place of sorrow or anger.
Most of us have felt pain burning like a hot coal in our hands, and felt desperate to unload it, somehow, somewhere.
Tinybuddah.com
