A Forgiving Heart
Matthew 6:12-15
(Inspired by a message from Dan Allender)
INTRODUCTION:
Jesus had a lot to say about forgiveness. When he taught his disciples how to pray (in what we now call the Lord’s Prayer) Jesus said, “Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” And he explained, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
That’s a big deal. We literally instruct God in how he should judge us by the way we choose to judge others. If we hold grudges and hang on to resentment, we are directing God to withhold his mercy and forgiveness from ourselves!
1. Why Forgive?
But in spite of this, we ask “why forgive?” In our minds we KNOW that forgiving is essential for a Christian … but in our hearts we still harbor resentment and bitterness toward others. Somehow it feels like we’d be promoting injustice and unfair actions if we simply forgive a debt. We’d be letting the bad guys “get away with it.”
It seems especially galling to offer forgiveness to someone who is not even sorry for what they have done … or even worse, to someone who keeps on repeating the offense over and over again. Let’s face it, it’s HARD to forgive. It really goes against human nature. So, to help us along, let’s look at truths that can turn us into “forgivers.”
A. A forgiving heart knows how much it has been forgiven.
We could say it the opposite way, too. “An unforgiving heart doesn’t understand how much it has been forgiven.” This is what Jesus said in Luke 7:47. “He who has been forgiven little loves little.”
The forgiving heart is able to see a true view of self … free from rationalizations and denials. A forgiving heart realizes that in comparison to the perfection of God, we are all in the same boat. We are all pathetic, helpless sinners in desperate need of forgiveness. The distinction between the “good” the “bad” and the “ugly” among us is really not worth mentioning.
The forgiving heart is able to show undeserved mercy to everyone … because it understands the free gift of God’s mercy. If we refuse to forgive it’s a warning sign that we are trying to cover up our own sinfulness and our own need for God’s undeserved mercy. That kind of attitude hardens our hearts … making it impossible for us to enjoy the peace that comes from a close relationship with our Heavenly Father.
B. A forgiving heart yearns for reconciliation
Have you ever known someone who lives off of conflict? Every time you see them, they start telling you who’s done them wrong and what they’re going to do about it. This is the opposite of a Christ-like heart. I Corinthians 13:5 says love “…is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth.”
Being at odds with someone should never feel comfortable … and it usually doesn’t. You know how it is when you see someone in the grocery store and you wheel your cart around and head the other direction so you don’t have to talk to them. The forgiving heart is never at peace until there’s been an attempt at reconciliation.
This doesn’t mean we’re willing to have peace at any cost. We’re not talking about cheap forgiveness, because the cost of forgiveness is always high. The cost to the offended person is to forgive and cancel the debt of the offender. The cost to the offender is to admit the wrong and repent.
You see, reconciliation is a two-way street. Forgiveness is the offer of reconciliation, but that offer may be refused. There are people who you may forgive but never be able to reconcile with. That’s why Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
I believe the Apostle Paul wrote those words knowing that, while forgiveness is commanded, reconciliation is not always possible. In that situation, you must satisfy yourself that you did what you could to mend things. Forgive, and then leave the rest to God. If there is more you can or should do, the Holy Spirit will let you know at the right time.
C. A forgiving heart works to destroy sin
In the same scripture where Paul urges us to do everything we can to try to live at peace with everyone, he also says in Romans 12:19-21: “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord (Deuteronomy 32:35).
On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. (Proverbs 25:21-22)
Instead of finding clever ways to get revenge, we are told to offer food and drink to our enemy, and this will heap burning coals on his head. This takes us into the practical, active side of forgiveness.
The offer of food and drink is obviously a call to give what is needed and what will give comfort to the enemy. The burning coals could have two meanings … it suggests God’s smoldering, hot justice, and at the same time it suggests mercy.
Bedouins gave hot coals to anyone who was without fire as a gift. They would place the coals in a specially prepared basket and place it on the head of the person so he could transport it to his camp. But it was also an uncomfortable gift because it was dangerous, and it was hot! Anyone with heaps of coal on his head would feel the heat.
And when we do a kindness to an enemy, that person will feel the heat of exposure to God’s perfect justice. Acts of kindness given from a forgiving heart can give the offender the opportunity to look deep inside and see what rules his or her heart. You see, every time we give our enemy the gift of “good food and drink” we expose evil to the light of God’s goodness.
What might it look like to offer “food and drink”? Let me give one example. A certain woman had a husband who was verbally abusive to her. When people face angry, shaming attacks from someone, they usually react with FIGHT or FLIGHT.
In this woman’s case, FLIGHT might sound like, “I’m sorry. I guess I was wrong or you wouldn’t be so mad. I’ll try to do better.” FIGHT might be something like, “Who do you think you are yelling at me and telling me what to do?! Let me tell you a few things that are wrong with YOU!”
But this woman had a forgiving heart. And what she did offered “food and drink.” In other words, her response gave the husband what he needed in order to have a chance at reconciliation. She said, “Honey, I know that you are really a very strong man. But when you yell and me and try to bully me, it makes you seem to be weak.” Somehow these words pierced through his rage and invited him to take a different approach.
Giving “food and drink” means giving what is needed. It is not bitter (which would be giving a strong answer without any mercy) and it is not syrupy sweet (giving in without telling the truth.)
But I have to warn that giving “food and drink” to an enemy doesn’t always have a happy ending. The enemy always feels shock and shame when they are given kindness in return for cruelty. They may respond with repentance. But they may also respond with fury. In either case, change will occur. There will either be repentance and reconciliation or there will be greater evil.
It takes courage to forgive because the outcome is not sure. The forgiving heart gives a picture of the cross. It offers both wrath and mercy. When we offer forgiveness, it is both a warning (saying that God hates sin) and in invitation (encouraging the offender to repent.) The warning may be ignored, and the invitation may be rejected.
Jesus offered full forgiveness on the Cross, knowing that many would reject this costly invitation. When we follow Jesus, He calls us to do the same thing in our daily lives. We offer forgiveness time after time … like Jesus did … even though it is hard to do … even though it is costly … and even though we know some people will reject us.
2. How to offer the gift of forgiveness
Because forgiveness is so essential to our walk with Christ, I want to take a few minutes to talk about how to forgive. The way of forgiving is simple. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy! The hardest thing about forgiveness is that it can’t be faked. It has to come from the deepest part of the heart, or it’s not really forgiveness at all.
Real forgiveness is never just going through the motions … like when my brother and I were having a fight and my mom would make us “shake hands and make up.” That only lasted until my mom turned her back!
Rabbi David Nelson tells the story of two brothers who went to their rabbi to settle a long-standing feud. The rabbi got the two to reconcile their differences and shake hands. As they were about to leave, he asked each one to make a wish for the other in honor of the Jewish New Year.
The first brother turned to the other and said, “I wish you the same thing that you wished me.” At that, the second brother threw up his hands and said, “See, Rabbi, he’s starting the fight up again!”
Now, keeping in mind that forgiveness is much deeper that merely going through motions, I want to leave you with some actions that can help us develop a forgiving heart:
(1) Humble yourself --- I told you these weren’t easy steps ---
(2) Pray for the power to forgive, and speak your forgiveness out loud no matter how you feel at the time
(3) Go to the offending person at a time when you think they will be ready to receive you and give some kind of demonstration of goodness (without patronizing them or making yourself look superior)
(4) Make no immediate demands on them, but if it seems appropriate tell them that you forgive them.
(5) Offer the gift of reconciliation and then wait to see how they respond.
You may be surprised at how many relationships can eventually be mended when we have a forgiving heart. Proverbs 16:7 says, “When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.”
CONCLUSION:
Forgiveness is not a side issue for Christians. Forgiveness is at the center of the Gospel. More than anything else, a forgiving heart offers a glimpse of the mysterious, amazing heart of God. Jesus demonstrated forgiveness constantly in his life and teachings … culminating in his death on the cross. Imagine the impact on the Roman soldiers at the foot of the cross when they heard Jesus saying, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”
All of us who want to follow Jesus will learn to develop the grace of forgiveness. Jesus wouldn’t have commanded it if it was impossible for us to do. So I challenge you today to look in your heart. Don’t be satisfied if you are holding on to bitterness and resentment. Surrender your heart to God and let him fill your heart with His forgiveness.
