Personality Defined
Personality can be defined as consistency in a person’s way of being — that is, long-term consistency in their particular ways of perceiving, thinking, acting and reacting as a person. Organised patterns of thought and feeling and behaviour.
To some extent, people generally do tend to operate in a similar way day after day, year after year. We’re not talking about specific actions being repeated again and again, like compulsive hand-washing, but about overall patterns, tendencies, inclinations. Someone who has tended to be quiet and reserved up to now will probably still tend to be quiet and reserved tomorrow.
It is this general predictability in individuals’ thought patterns, behaviour patterns and emotional patterns which defines personality. Or to put it another way:
“Your personality style is your organizing principle. It propels you on your life path. It represents the orderly arrangement of all your attributes, thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behaviours, and coping mechanisms. It is the distinctive pattern of your psychological functioning—the way you think, feel, and behave—that makes you definitely you.”
Talking About Personality — Four Types v. Five Factors
In ancient times it was thought that all people could be divided into just four personality types — sanguine, choleric, melancholicand phlegmatic. This was supposedly something to do with the dominant fluids in their bodies (blood, yellow bile, black bile or phlegm). This idea was briefly revived in Renaissance Europe and there are some modern versions of it around today.
But when you actually look into it, trying to fit all the world’s people with their amazing range of differences into so few boxes is not easy. For example, ‘sanguine’ people are supposedly extroverted, creative, sensitive, compassionate, thoughtful, tardy, forgetful and sarcastic. But in fact there is no evidence that these characteristics go together at all. You can certainly be creative without being extroverted. You can certainly be compassionate without being sarcastic. So what does ‘sanguine’ really mean, if anything?
Dividing people up into a few types may be a nice and simple way of looking at the world, but in reality it doesn’t get us very far.
An alternative approach used by modern psychologists is to look at the words we actually use to describe each other’s personalities. This is called the lexical approach.
When we describe someone’s personality, we use words which characterise whatever makes that person distinctive and perhaps even unique. This is partly because we tend to notice people’s most outstanding characteristics (as opposed to ways in which they are just average). For instance, just as we might describe someone as ‘very tall’ or ‘totally bald’ based on their physical attributes, we might also describe them as ‘very shy’ or ‘totally domineering’ based on their personality.
We also want to remember what it is that distinguishes one person from another — being very tall and totally bald is an unusual and distinctive combination, as is being very shy and totally domineering. We remember, and talk about, the things that stand out the most.
So when we look at the words most often used to describe human personality, we find that they describe the extremes rather than the averages. (Similarly, there is no word in the dictionary to describe people of average height, only people who are distinctly above or below average in height: tall v. short.) Also, these extremes can be organised into pairs of opposites — shy v. outgoing, impulsive v. cautious, dominant v. submissive, and so on.
Moreover, when you take all the personality-describing words in a dictionary and analyse how people use them, you find they can be separated into a certain number of sets or ‘clusters’. The words in one cluster all have a b-r-o-a-d-l-y similar meaning, but mean something different from the words in other clusters. And what psychologists have found again and again is that there are just five clusters. In other words, there are just five sets of words (including their opposites) which contain pretty much all of the words we might use to describe personality.
These are known as the ‘Big Five’. We could simply call them Factor 1, Factor 2 and so on, but they have been labelled as follows:
• EXTROVERSION — the tendency to be outgoing, energetic and sociable
• OPENNESS — the tendency to enjoy variety, novelty, challenge and intellectual stimulation
• NEUROTICISM — the tendency to experience unpleasant emotions
• AGREEABLENESS — the tendency to be friendly, compassionate and cooperative
• CONSCIENTIOUSNESS — the tendency to show self-discipline and self-control
SPIRIT, SOUL, AND BODY
When the Bible says we were created in God’s image, it does not mean God looks like us – a most carnal theory- God looks like us- a most carnal theory – God in essence is Spirit (John 4:24). We are like God creative personality, having intellect, sensibility, and will. Many believe this likeness also refers to the Trinity. God is one in essence but three in “Person” – the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. A person also is a trinity of sorts, although the parallel is not exact. Many like to stress that a human being is composed of material (body) and immaterial (soul, spirit, mind, etc.) parts. This is a valid distinction.
In 1 Thessalonians 5:23, the apostle Paul differentiates among three components. People always put the body first and the spirit last. The popular expression is “body and soul,” and the more biblically informed may add “and spirit.” God’s order, however, is just the opposite. These are not merely distinctions without a difference. Each component part must be separate in some way.
If, as many believe, there is analogy with the Holy Trinity, the spirit obviously would parallel the Holy Trinity, the spirit obviously would parallel the Holy Spirit. The body must parallel the Son, the member of the Godhead who assumed human flesh (and human spirit and soul, as well). This leaves the soul to parallel the Father, assuming the comparison is valid.
Spirit (pneuma)
Spirit (pneuma) has the same double meaning in both Testaments: Hebrew ruah and Greek pneuma both means ‘wind’ or “spirit.” This explains Jesus’ play on words in John 3 in His discussion on being born from above by the Spirit, and the wind blowing where it wills.
The spirit is that part of humans that differentiates us from animals. Animals obviously have bodies, and they also have ‘souls’ in the sense of sentient life, but what animal has ever built a church or even prayed to God?
The spiritual aspect of human beings is the most important. Our spiritual growth and knowledge will last for all eternity.
Soul (psyche)
The Greek word psyche has spawned many an English derivative beginning with psycho. The main usages of psyche are “soul” (in its many meanings, including “person”; and life.” There are passages where it is hard to know which of these is the better translation.
When Jesus asked “What shall a man give in exchange for his (psyche)? He could have referred to man’s soul or to his life here on earth and the rewards that come from living for God.
We are so used to using “saved” for eternal salvation and “soul” personality that will last forever, that we miss the meaning in some contexts of “make the most of your life (psyche) for the Lord.” Saving our souls from hell is fundamental. If we are not believes we cannot serve God acceptably. However, since psyche also refers to our personality and our life on earth, we must also make the most of our lives so that we can have some reward for our labors in the Day of Christ.
Body (soma)
There is far too much stress on the body in today’s Western culture. Bodybuilding the fitness craze, health food fads, and cosmetic treatments to improve physical appearance are all supported by gigantic industries. In reacting to this, however, we should not swing to the opposite extreme and neglect the body or even call it evil, as some of the ancient Greeks did. The human body is a masterpiece of divine engineering and should be properly maintained for health to serve God and our fellow man. In the resurrection, believers will receive perfect bodies with none of the weakness of mortality.
For our own tripartite personalities we can do no better than repeat Paul’s prayer: “Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Thess.5:23)
Four Basic Temperaments
Hippocrates, the Greek Philosopher over twenty-four hundred years ago, divides people into four basic categories which he named SANGUINE, CHOLERIC, MELANCHOLY AND PHILEGMATIC. Each temperament has both strengths and weaknesses that form a distinct part of his nature throughout life.
1. SANGUINE – SPARKY SANGUINE
Sparky sanguine is a warm, lively, and enjoying person. Mr. Sanguine has an unusual capacity for enjoying himself and usually passes on his fun-loving spirit. The moment he enters a room he tends to lift the spirits of every present by his exuberant conversation. He is a fascinating storyteller and his warm, emotional nature almost makes him relieve the experience as he tells it.
Mr. Sanguine never lack for friends. He can genuinely feel the joys and sorrows of the person he meets and has the capacity to make him feel important, as though he were a very special friend as long as he is looking at you.
The Sanguine is never at a loss for words, though he often speaks without thinking. His open sincerity, however, has a disarming effect on many of his listeners, causing them to respond to his mood. His freewheeling, seemingly exciting, extrovertish way of life makes him the envy of the more timid temperament types.
APOSTLE PETER in the Bible was much like Sparky Sanguine. Every time he appeared in the Gospels he was talking. He was talking the most. A Sanguine always enter a room mouth first, Sanguines are loved by all.
Sanguine is always surrounded by friends and is the life of the party. His noisy, blustering, friendly ways make him appear more confident than he really is, but his energy and loveable disposition get him by the rough shad of life. People have a way of excusing his weaknesses by saying “That’s just the way he is.” Can sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo. In addition to being a good salesman, Sanguines make excellent actors, entertainers and preachers (particularly evangelists). They are outstanding master of ceremonies, auctioneers and sometimes leaders. Sanguines have charisma to burn.
Weaknesses of Sparky Sanguine:
WEAK-WILLED AND UNDISCIPLINED: Because of this weakness it makes it easier for them to be deceitful, dishonest and undependable. They tend to overeat and gain weight, finding it most difficult to remain on diet; without self-discipline there is no such thing as success.
EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY: He never carries grudge one he blows up all over you, he forgets about it. That’s why he does n’t get ulcer; when filled with the spirit, however, he becomes a new “Creature” an emotionally controlled Sanguine/
EGOTISM: Listening to his supply of stories, you will notice that he is his favourite character.
RESTLESS & DISORGANISED: They seldom plan ahead but usually take things as they come. Never perfectionist.
INSECURITY: Tries to over power others by his super extrovertish personality, giving people a false impression as a self-confident person. Flexible conscience – Quick to repent (Gal 6:7) Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. It is beautiful to see Spirit filled Samguine whose talents are used by God because he recognizes the need to walk in the Spirit.
2. ROCKY CHOLERIC: e.g. a) Apostle Paul b) Tim Lahaye
Rocky Choleric is the hot, quick, active, practical, strong-willed, self-sufficient and very independent. He tends to be decisive, finding it easy to make decisions both for himself and others. For Choleric- life is activity. He does not need to be stimulated by his environment, but rather stimulates his environment with his endless idea, plans, goals and ambitions. He does not engage in aimless activity, for he has a practical, keen mind, capable of making sound, instant decisions or planning worthwhile projects.
Rocky is not frightened by adversities, in fact, they tend to encourage him. Leaders are born, not made, then he is a natural-born leader. Mr. Choleric’s emotional nature is the least developed part of his temperament. He does not sympathise easily with others, nor does he naturally show or express compassion. He is often embarrassed or disgusted by the tears of others and is usually, insensitive to their needs. Mr. Choleric is quick to recognize opportunities and equally as quick to diagnose the best wasy to make use of them. He has a well organized mind, though details usually bore him. He tends to look at the goal for which he is working without recognizing the potential pitfalls and obstacles in the path.
Rocky’s attitude of self-sufficiency and willfulness make him difficult to reach for Christ in adulthood James’ faith without works-tongue Ch. 3
Vocational Potential: Most entrepreneurs are Cholerics. They don,t limit themselves to their own ideas either, but sometimes overhear a creative idea from someone who is not sufficiently adventurous to business however, it is not unlike him to get bored soon after the success.
Two reasons: 1 A choleric is a bad delegator - others can’t do as I do. (Although with proper training they can learn). Consequently, they end up trying to do everything themselves.
2. He gets very busy doing things himself - he looks for someone who can buy his business. Thus, the average Choleric can be expected to start 4 to 10 Businesses or organizations in a lifetime.
For Rocky Choleric it is simple. Since he is completely performance-conscious and has no perfectionist hag-ups, he will reason, “I’d rather get a number of things finished 70% to 80% than a few things a 100%”.
Rocky Choleric is a natural motivator of other people. He oozes self-confidence, is extremely goal-conscious and can inspire others to envision his goals. Consequently, his associates may find themselves more productive by following his lead. His primary weakness as a leader is that he is hard to please and tends to run roughshod over other people. Don’t feel sorry for the Choleric have a built-in promotional ability and do will in sale
Rarely will you find a predominant Choleric as a surgeon, dentist, philosopher, inventor or watchmaker. Rocky’s interest thrive upon activity, bigness, violence and production. He is so optimistic, rarely anticipating failure, that he seldom fails except at home.
CHOLERIC WEAKNESS : Anger and hostility – Cholerics are extremely hostile people. Some learn to control their anger, but eruption into violence is always a possibility with them. If their strong will is not brought into control by proper parental discipline as children, they develop anger, bad habits that plague them all through life. It doesn’t take them long to learn that others are usually afraid of their angry outbursts and this they use wrath as a weapon to get what they want which is usually their own way.
Rocky doesn’t get over his anger right away, but can carry a grudge an unbelievably long time. Maybe that’s why he gets ulcers when he is 40. They usually get so angry at the parent-choleric, that they tend to hate God. When the parent is their father. Different to love their father’s Go.
Cruel, Cutting and sarcastic: It makes me wonder whether he inherited a tongue or a razor blade. As an extrovert, he is usually ready with a cutting comment that can wither the insecure and devastate the less combative.
Apostle James – tongue can no man tame – James 3:8
Cold and Unaffectionate: His emotional rigidity rarely permits him the expression of tears. The Holy spirit touches the person and softens the heart. Ezekiel 36: 34-26.
Insensitive and inconsiderate: when a choleric is sensitive and considerate, he can be a great blessing to others, for as we have seen, what he thinks of others is of vital importance to them. By nature, Rocky Choleric has the hide of a rhinoceros. However, the spirit of God will make him “kind, tender-heated”.
Opinionated & Bull-headed: since he has an intuitive sense, he usually makes up his mind quickly (without adequate abaktsis abd deliberation) and once made up, it is almost impossible to change.
Crafty and Domineering: since he never gives up, he regards a “no” decision as “wait”. Since he easily comes to conclusions, he finds great delight in making decision for other people and forcing them to confirm to his will. To be effective in God’s service, they must learn the divine principle of productivity.
“…Not by Choleric might, not by natural power, but by my spirit saith the Lord of hosts”(Zech. 4-6)
3. MARTIN MELANCHOLY – John the Baptist – Elijah, Jeremiah
Martin Melancholy is the richest of all the temperaments and analytical, self-sacrificing, gifted, perfectionist type with a very sensitive emotional nature. O one gets more enjoyment from the fine arts that the Melancholy. By nature, he is prone to be an introvert, but since his feelings predominate, he is given to a variety of moods.
Martin is a very faithful friend, but unlike the Sanguine, he does not make friends easily. He seldom pushes himself forward to meet people but rather lets them come to Him. He is perhaps the most dependable of all temperaments, for his perfectionist tendencies do not permit him to be a shirker or let others down when they are counting on him. Disappointing experiences make him reluctant to take people at face value, thus he is prone to be suspicious when others seek him out or shower him with attention. This is a sharp contrast of the Choleric.
Martin usually finds his greatest meaning in life through personal sacrifice. He seems desirous of making himself suffer, and he will often chose a difficult life vocation involving great personal sacrifice. No temperament has so much natural potential when energized by the Holy Spirit as the Melancholy.
All Melancholies of course do not enter the profession of arts. Many become craftsmen of high quality, finish carpenters, brick layers, plumber plasters, scientists, engineers etc., members of every profession that provides meaningful service to humanity.
WEAKNESS: Negative, pessimistic and critical. The bachelor is a good example. He thinks he is a Melancholy because he is a
A bachelor, but in reality, he is a bachelor because he is a melancholy. Discovers faults in the opposite sex- women. Even the most beautiful and talented woman has a spot for him not worthy.
Self centered, thin-skinned and touchy. Melancholy is more self-centered than any other temperament. Every thing in life is interpreted by him in relation to himself. He is the one most likely to accuse the minister of preaching at me.
REVENGEFUL AND PERSECUTION PRONE. Holds grudges against people. “Yes I will forgive but not forget”. (Heb. 10:17). God forgives Eph 4:32 – Forgive others as Christ forgave us. MOODY, DEPRESSIVE AND ANTISOCIAL. How to win over depression by Tim Layhe. Self pity often produces awful moods. Any one with depressing problem, particularly a Melancholy should make 1 These 5-18 a way of life. Legalistic, right, impractical and theoretical Phil 4:5. Mainly the prophets of the O.T. – lead by the Holy Spirit.
4. PHILIP PHLEGMATIC
E.g. John, Mark, Timothy, Barnabas
Philip P. is a calm, easy going, never get-upset individual with such a high boiling that he almost never become angry. He is without question the easiest person to get along with. He is by nature the most likeable of all the temperaments. PHEL drives his name from what Hippocrates through was the body fluid that produced that calm, cool, slow, well balanced, no matter what circumstances surround him. He is the one temperament type which is consistent every time you see him. The Phlegmatic does not lack for friends because he enjoys people and has a natural dry sense of humour . He is the type of individual who can have a crowd of people, yet never cracks a smile. Possessing the unique capability for mind and is capable of being a fine imitator. One of his great sources of delight is meddling or porking fun at the other temperament types . A Phlegamatic tends to be a spectator in life and tries not to get very involved with activities of others - School teacher.
Weakness: Unmotivated, slow and lazy. As a marriage counselor – Tim Lahaye says that opposite attract each other in marriage. It is not uncommon for an energetic activity driven Sanguine or Choleric to marry a Phlegmatic. Self Protective, selfish and stingy, selfishness more apparent that in use of money. He is a penny pincher and a miser, except where clothes for himself or tools for his work are concerned. When the waitress asks “ Do you want to order dessert?, he has a stork answer “does it come with the meal”. Of all the temperaments, he and his wife tend to fight the most about money. Stubborn, stubborn.. no one can be more stubborn than a Phlegmatic.
In a family situation, Phlegmatics never yell or argue. They just drag their feet or set their legs and will not budge.
Indecisive and fearful: A Phlegmatic beats a very fearful heart. It is this kind of fear that keeps Phlegmatics from being used in their church. I am convinced that they would like to teach, sing in the choir or learn to share their faith, but fear stifles them. The Holy Spirit uses faith which dissolves our fears. Most people are fearful of failure but those who succeed in effectively serving God, replace their fears with faith. Philip 4:6 II Tim 1:7.
Read : Self – controlled temperament.
THE FOUR BASIC TEMPERAMENTS
A) STRENGTH
SANGUINE CHOLERIC MELANCHOLIC PHLEGMATIC
Outgoing Determined & Strong - Willed Gifted Calm & Quiet
Charisma Independent Analytical Easygoing
Warm Productive Perfectionist Likeable
Friendly Decisice Conscientious Diplomatic
Responsive Prractical Loyal Efficient & Organised
Talkative Visionery Aesthetic Dependable
Enthusiastic Optimistic Idealistic Conservative
Carefree Courageous Sensitive Practical
Compassionate Self-Confident Self-Sacrificing Reluctant Leader
Generous Leader Self- Disciplined Dry Humor
B) WEAKNESSES:
Undisciplined Cold - Unsympathetic Moody Unmotivated
Weak-Willed Insensitive & Inconsiderate Negative Flare Up
Restless Hostile - Angry Critical Slothful
Disorganised Cruel - Sacastic Rigid - Legalistic Spectator
Unproductive Unforgiving Self Centred Selfish
Undependable Self - Sufficient Touchy Stingy
Obnoxious - Loud Domineering Revengful Stubborn
Egocentric Opionated & Prejudiced Persecution-Prone Self-Protective
Exaggerates Proud Unsociable Indecisive
Fearful & Insecure Crafty Theoretical & Impratical Fearful
EXAMPLE:
Salesmen Pioneers Artist Diplomats
Teachers Leaders Musicians Accountants
Actors Executives Philosophers Scientists
Orators Producers Educators Precision Workers
Biblical Characters Paul Elijah Jeremiah,
John the Baptist Abraham, James
Apostles / Prophets / Missionaries
Teachers/
Evengelists Superintendents Teachers/Prophets/
Deacons Pastors / Elders
Emotions
What Are Emotions – Feelings?
Different people define emotions in different ways. Some make a distinction between emotions and feelings saying that a feeling is the response part of the emotion and that an emotion includes the situation or experience, the interpretation, the perception, and the response or feeling related to the experience of a particular situation. For the purposes of this article, I use the terms interchangeably.
John D. (Jack) Mayer says, “Emotions operate on many levels. They have a physical aspect as well as a psychological aspect. Emotions bridge thought, feeling, and action – they operate in every part of a person, they affect many aspects of a person, and the person affects many aspects of the emotions.”
Dr. Maurice Elias says, “Emotions are human beings’ warning systems as to what is really going on around them. Emotions are our most reliable indicators of how things are going on in our lives. Emotions help keep us on the right track by making sure that we are led by more than the mental/ intellectual faculties of thought, perception, reason, memory.”
What exactly is an emotion
"An emotion is a complex psychological state that involves three distinct components: asubjective experience, a physiological response, and a behavioral or expressive response."
(Hockenbury & Hockenbury, 2007)
In addition to understanding exactly what emotions are, researchers have also tried to identify and classify the different types of emotions. In 1972, psychologist Paul Eckman suggested that there are six basic emotions that are universal throughout human cultures: fear, disgust, anger, surprise, happiness, and sadness. In 1999, he expanded this list to include a number of other basic emotions including embarrassment, excitement, contempt, shame, pride, satisfaction, and amusement.
During the 1980s, Robert Plutchik introduced another emotion classification system known as the "wheel of emotions." This model demonstrated how different emotions can be combined or mixed together, much the way an artist mixes primary colors to create other colors. Plutchik suggested that there are 8 primary emotional dimensions: happiness vs. sadness, anger vs. fear, trust vs. disgust, and surprise vs. anticipation. These emotions can then be combined in a variety of ways. For example, happiness and anticipation might combine to create excitement.
In order to better understand what emotions are, let's focus on their three key elements.
The Subjective Experience
While experts believe that there are a number of basic universal emotions that are experienced by people all over the world regardless of background or culture, researchers also believe that the experience of emotion can be highly subjective. While we might have broad labels for certain emotions such as 'angry,' 'sad,' or 'happy,' your own unique experience of these emotions is probably much more multi-dimensional. Consider anger. Is all anger the same? Your own experience might range from mild annoyance to blinding rage.
Plus, we don't always experience 'pure' forms of each emotion. Mixed emotions over different events or situations in our lives are common. When faced with starting a new job, you might feel both excited and nervous. Getting married or having a child might be marked by a wide variety of emotions ranging from joy to anxiety. These emotions might occur simultaneously, or you might feel them one after another.
The Physiological Response
If you've ever felt your stomach lurch from anxiety or your heart palpate with fear, then you realize that emotions also cause strong physiological reactions. Many of the physical reactions you experience during an emotion such as sweating palms, racing heartbeat, or rapid breathing are controlled by the sympathetic nervous system, a branch of the autonomic nervous system. The autonomic nervous system controls involuntary body responses such as blood flow and digestion. The sympathetic nervous system is charged with controlling the body's fight-or-flight reactions. When facing a threat, these responses automatically prepare your body to flee from danger or face the threat head-on.
While early studies of the physiology of emotion tended to focus on these autonomic responses, more recent research has targeted the brain's role in emotions. Brain scans have shown that the amygdala, part of the limbic system, plays an important role in emotion and fear in particular. The amygdala itself is a tiny, almond-shaped structure that has been linked to motivational states such as hunger and thirst as well as memory and emotion. Researchers have used brain imaging to show that when people are shown threatening images, the amygdala becomes activated. Damage to the amygdala has also been shown to impair the fear response.
The Behavioral Response
The final component is perhaps one that you are most familiar with – the actual expression of emotion. We spend a significant amount of time interpreting the emotional expressions of the people around us. Our ability to accurately understand these expressions is tied to what psychologists call emotional intelligence and these expressions play a major part in our overall body language. Researchers believe that many expressions are universal, such as a smile indicating happiness or pleasure or a frown indicating sadness or displeasure. Cultural rules also play an important role in how we express and interpret emotions. In Japan, for example, people tend to mask displays of fear or disgust when in the presence of authority figure.
Emotions Vs. Moods
In everyday language, people often use the terms 'emotions' and 'moods' interchangeably, but psychologists actually make distinctions between the two. How do they differ? An emotion is normally quite short-lived, but intense. Emotions are also likely to have a definite and identifiable cause. For example, after disagreeing with a friend over politics, you might feel angry for a short period of time. A mood on the other hand is usually much milder than an emotion, but longer-lasting. In many cases, it can be difficult to identify the specific cause of a mood. For example, you might find yourself feeling gloomy for several days without any clearly identifiable reason.
The Fruit of Rejection and Reasons for Rejection
Rejection acts like a tree with a bitter root. It can only produce bitter fruit. Listed below are some examples of the fruit rejection produces:
Inability to receive love.
When someone who is significant in our lives has rejected us, it makes us feel unworthy. It establishes a root belief that if we are unworthy, we are unlovable; therefore, we are unable to receive love.
Inability to love others.
The root of rejection destroys our ability to trust others. We are reluctant to allow ourselves to get into close relationship with others. Obviously, if we can't get close to another person, we can't consider loving that person.
Insecurity.
After we have experienced rejection by someone significant in our lives, we don't know whom we can trust. Subconsciously, we walk through life as if we were walking on eggs. We always expect betrayal or criticism to be right around the corner.
Withdrawal.
Because we feel vulnerable in the presence of others, we feel there is safety in isolation. Our natural tendency, therefore, is to withdraw from the mainstream of society.
Suspicion.
Our inability to trust others breeds suspicion of everyone. We never really know when we might be rejected again.
Inferiority.
Because we feel unworthy, we naturally feel inferior to others. This inferiority is reflected in our relationships and in our work.
Social Shyness.
Social gatherings are painful to us because we feel we are surrounded by superior people who look upon us as we look upon ourselves. Although this is not true, our mind-set will not allow us to think differently.
Fear of failure.
We are convinced we are incapable of accomplishing anything as well as others can accomplish them. Our low expectation of ourselves is usually reflected in our willingness to stay in jobs or relationships that require little of us.
Fear of man.
Because we look upon everyone else as superior to ourselves, we rarely initiate anything on our own for fear of being criticized. We prefer to be told what to do and when and how to do it. Our only problem from that point is to follow directions accurately.
Fear of rejection.
The fear of rejection keeps us from ever being our real selves. We are always in a performance mode, hoping to please others.
Self-rejection.
We consider ourselves to be misfits, with no place in society.
Daydreaming/fantasizing.
Because we fear reality, we have a tendency to live in a world of our own fantasy. We are safe in this world of fantasy, never challenged, always victorious. This is an obvious form of withdrawal. It can only generate an unhealthy personality.
REASONS FOR REJECTION
PRENATAL REJECTIONS:
1. Conceived too soon after marriage.
The newlyweds may have planned to wait for some time before starting their family The baby becomes an intrusion in the parents' plans, and is rejected.
2. Conceived too close to the birth of a previous child.
The parents groan under the realization that they will be caring for two babies in diapers at the same time. They had planned to space the birth of their children further apart. The baby is therefore rejected, because its birth is deemed untimely.
3. A Financial strain on the family is created.
The baby was not planned. It comes as an accident, and is blamed for putting additional stress on an already strained budget.
4. Fear of failure.
Fear of childbirth pain, fear of complications, or fear of bearing a deformed child may cause the mother to wish she had never become pregnant.
5. Conflict between the parents-to-be.
The marriage may be on the verge of divorce; therefore, it is not considered to be the proper time to have a baby arrive.
6. Contemplated or attempted abortion.
In this case the rejection is extreme, in that the parents consider murdering the baby through abortion. Mounting evidence indicates the baby is aware its life is threatened Even though the abortion may not actually be carried out, or is not successful, the desire the parents had to kill the baby is registered in its awareness.
WRONG SEX PREFERENCE.
A child may be very much wanted until it is born. The sex preference is a serious matter with some parents. However, no matter how strong the personal preference might be, it can be very destructive to the child for the parents to reject it because of something over which the child had no control The sex was predetermined by God and should be accepted by the parents.
Many parents are deeply disappointed over the sex of their children. The rejection of the babies may not be done maliciously, but done, nevertheless, with no understanding of the consequences.
When this wound occurs, the devil is quick to take advantage of it. Parental rejection due to the wrong sex sometimes causes boys to become effeminate, and girls to become masculine.
A child who is rejected because it is the wrong sex, will sense this at a very early age. They will often seek to gain parental acceptance by performing as one of the opposite sex.
Consequently, a child who is rejected because of its wrong sex may grow to hate and reject itself. Rejection of one's own sexuality can ultimately lead that person into homosexuality.
PHYSICAL PROBLEMS
A baby may be rejected at birth because it is born with imperfect physical features, or imperfections such as Mongolism.
VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES:
The wound of rejection may occur if for any reason the child is deprived of a close relationship with the parents.
Examples:
a) Rejection may come to a child if the child is left with others while the mother works outside the home.
b) The father may work long hours away from home and may not be able to have quality time with his child.
c) Any time the parents devote too little time to their child, the child will usually sense their absence as rejection.
d) Some children are given up for adoption. For the child, this may translate to abandonment by the parents. If so, this produces a severe wound. Although adopted children may be well loved by the adopting parents, many are unable to receive love or to return love adequately, because the wound of rejection has already occurred.
e) The death of one or both parents creates a severe wound in the personality of the young child. The child, who is now an orphan, cannot comprehend what has happened to his parents. He relates their disappearance from his life as abandonment.
f) Divorce is a very disruptive force in the life of a child. The wound may be deepened if the child has been subjected to an atmosphere of strife and conflict in the home.
g) Jealousy in a home is also a disruptive force. An older sibling in a growing family is often forced to compete with a younger brother or sister for parental attention. The new rival may be looked upon with jealousy. To a young mind, seeing someone else on Mother's lap may indicate, "Mother loves baby instead of me."
VICTIM OF ABUSE.
1. Verbal abuse.
Some children seldom hear a kind or encouraging word. Instead they are berated ridiculed, cursed and teased. Typical put-downs that burn deep wounds in the childs memory, are:
"I wish you had never been born!"
"You can't do anything right!"
"You will never amount to anything!"
"You are stupid!"
"I wish you were dead!"
It is difficult to measure the injury that occurs to children who are constantly abused with such cruel words.
2. Physical abuse.
The physically abused child is immediately filled with fear and confusion. There is no doubt in its mind that it has been rejected. Deep down, feelings of anger, and a desire to get even and to punish, begin to build. Because the child has an abusive role model, he is likely to become an abuser, himself.
3. Sexual abuse.
The child who has been subject to molestation develops an inability to be open and warm with people. He usually displays a victim mentality, and lacks the ability to trust anyone, especially authority figures. Because he has been "used" in an unnatural way, he feels the pain of rejection.
