Today we want see how God can transform relationships. We want to look at fears that ruin relationships and how to overcome them. To do that, we’re going back to look at the first man and woman.
God made Adam and put him in the Garden of Eden, a perfect paradise. Now, after each day of creation, God pronounced what He had made “good.” But concerning Adam, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” So God made woman! God made Adam out of the dust, out of dirt. And then He created woman from the rib of Adam.
I understand, by the way, that this is why men don’t mind getting dirty. Men are made of dirt, so we like dirt. But woman wasn’t created from dirt. Woman was taken from man’s rib. Not from man’s feet so he could lord over her; and not from his head where she could lord over him. But from his side where she would be his equal, his partner, and from close to the heart, because the wife is to be loved by her husband.
Things were great as there was no sin. No sadness, sickness, sorrow, suffering, deceit, manipulating, or jealousy. They had a perfect
relationship. But when sin entered the world everything changed.
Satan lies to Eve and says “Did God really say that you can’t eat from any of the trees in the garden?” But God hadn’t said that. He said you cannot eat from one tree, but everything else you’re free to eat from. God wanted a real love relationship with mankind; and love that is not freely given is not love at all.
Then Satan said, “God’s lying. You won’t to die if you eat of the fruit of that tree. In fact, you’ll be as wise as God. You’ll be a god!” Every temptation comes down to this. I want to be God. Satan never tempts us to be like himself. Nobody would do it. But Satan says do this because you know better than God. Because God really doesn’t want you to be happy. You should do this because you know what will make you happy more than God does. And Eve fell for that line. (READ TEXT)
Now, when sin entered the picture, we see three basic fears that pop up in every single relationship today.
1. Fear of the shame from exposure - vs. 9-10
The phrases, “I was afraid” and “I hid” go together. Fear always causes us to hide. Notice also the phrase, “I was naked.” Now, Adam and Eve were literally naked.
Columnist Lewis Grizzard said the difference between being naked and “niked” is that when one is naked, they don’t have clothes on. But being “niked,” means you have no clothes on and are up to something. Adam and Eve were definitely up to something.
You see, nakedness here is also highly symbolic. Nakedness speaks of being exposed and vulnerable. You are never more vulnerable than when you’re naked. So Adam and Eve were afraid and they hid.
What are you hiding because of fear? What are you pretending not to know? What are you pretending isn’t a problem in your marriage? Your relationships? Are you hiding because you’re afraid - afraid of facing the truth, afraid of exposure? When we’re afraid of nakedness, afraid of vulnerability, afraid of being honest, afraid of letting people see us as we really are, my fear of exposure makes me distant.
Because of fear, Adam and Eve covered themselves from one another and they hid themselves from God. And God asked two questions: “Where are you?” and, Why were you hiding?” Now, whenever God asks a question, He already knows the answer. He wasn’t asking for His benefit. He asking for Adam’s benefit. God wanted Adam to face what was wrong and quit hiding from the truth.
Transformation only happens when you admit things aren’t what they should be. When you’re in denial, there’s no room for transformation. Improving my relationships requires honesty with God and others.
2. Fear of rejection from disapproval - vs. 12-13
Adam and Eve went from hiding to hurling; from excusing themselves to accusing others. You see, my fear of exposure makes me distant and my fear of disapproval makes me defensive.
The more critical a person is, the more perfectionistic, the more they put others down – the more you know they fear disapproval. That’s how it shows up. That’s how it showed up in Adam and Eve.
In verse 12, we read that when God called Adam out that Adam took it like a man – he blamed his wife. Actually, he blamed God. You gave me this woman. If you hadn’t made this woman, all would be well. It’s all her fault. She got me all messed up. But Eve wasn’t any more willing to accept responsibility. In verse 13, Eve said, “the devil made me do it!” So Adam blamed his wife and Eve blamed the serpent.
This happens in relationships all the time. If anybody says anything where we feel a hint of disapproval, we immediately get defensive.
3. Fear of pain from losing control - v. 16b
My fear of losing control makes me demanding. The result of Adam and Eve’s sin is they lost control - of their future; their destiny. They felt out of control because they were. And their fear of losing control made them demanding. You see, the more out of control you feel, the more controlling you become.
God told Adam and Eve that the lack of control they had brought to their lives would result in their relationship being plagued with a desire to control one another: “And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you” (NLT). All the misunderstanding between men and women; all the confusion, conflict, all the jockeying for power and position. It’s all the result of sin. Contrast this with what Paul says is to be the way husbands and wives are to relate to one another:
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” - Ephesians 5:21 (NIV)
If you’re a very secure person you don’t need to have your way all the time. But if you’re insecure, then you have to have your way all the time; and you fight for your way and you push for your way. The more out of control you feel the more controlling you become.
But when one finds their security in Christ, when they know God is in control, then they are free from the fear of losing control and can relate to others in a non-demanding and selfless way. Which brings us to this question: “How can we overcome the fears that can ruin
relationships?” There’s only one ANTIDOTE to any fear. It is love.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” - 1 John 4:18 (NIV)
God’s love is the antidote to fear. Why? Because fear has to do with punishment. We fear the shame of exposure; the rejection of
disapproval; the pain of losing control. But God’s love is not associated with shame, rejection, or harm; because it has nothing to do with
punishment. Rather, God took our punishment - our shame, rejection, pain - upon Himself through the sacrifice of Christ at Calvary.
The fears that can ruin our relationships are cast out of our lives as we find our security in God’s love; and thus, we are enabled to love others as God loves us. That’s why John calls being “made perfect in love.”
How does this happen? Two words: Remember & Reflect.
A. Remember how God loves you.
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.” - 1 John 3:16a (NIV)
1) The cross says I’m totally forgiven.
“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” - Romans 8:1 (NLT)
2) The cross says I’m completely accepted.
“(Jesus) made us acceptable to God . . .” - Titus 3:7 (CEV)
3) The cross says I’m extremely valuable.
“God paid a very high price to make you his.” - 1 Corinthians 6:20 (Easy to Read)
How much is your house worth? Not as much as you think it is. Your house is worth what anybody is willing to pay for it. The true value is what somebody’s willing to pay for it. Jesus Christ paid for you with his life. That’s how valuable you are.
So how do I daily remember how God loves me? There’s a reason why the Bible is referred to as “God’s Love Letter to Us.” W.A. Criswell used to say, that all through the Bible there is a “Scarlet Thread of Redemption.” God’s love for us is revealed on every page, because it’s all about Jesus. In the Old Testament, we’re told He is coming; in the Gospels, we’re told He’s here; in the epistles, we’re told what He’s accomplished; and in the Book of Revelation, we’re told, He’s coming again! When you look at the Bible through the lens of Christ and the cross, you see God’s love revealed everywhere.
B. Reflect God’s love to others.
John says that in light of God’s love, demonstrated through the cross:
“And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” - 1 John 3:16b (NIV)
Our ability to demonstrate love to others as God demonstrated His love for us through the cross is directly related to remembering how great God’s love is for us. As we remember the love God has for us, we will cast aside all fear and be free to demonstrate love by accepting others, forgiving others and valuing others. And what a difference that will make in our relationships!
