When we have been offended, we must forgive, which we can do without saying anything to the offender. In fact, the Bible says it is a good thing if was can forgive and then overlook an offense.
“It is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” - Proverbs 19:11 (NIV)
So, as a general rule, when someone offends us, we should forgive and then overlook the offense. However, there are times when we should approach someone who has offended us. We talked about that last time. We said that God might lead us to approach someone who has offended us . . .
A. When they are a brother or sister in Christ.
B. When the offense is a sin.
C. When the offense hurts your relationship.
D. When the offense hurts others.
E. When the offense is hurting the offender.
Now today, I want us to notice what our Lord tells us about how we should approach someone who has offended us if that is, indeed, what God has directed us to do. We should approach them:
A. Humbly.
We need to be honest about our own faults and flaws as we approach someone else about an offense they have committed against us.
“Why do you stare from without at the very small particle that is in your brother’s eye but do not become aware of and consider the beam of timber that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, Let me get the tiny particle out of your eye, when there is the beam of timber in your own eye? You hypocrite, first get the beam of timber out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the tiny particle out of your brother’s eye.” - Matthew 7:3-5 (Amplified)
Our problem may have more to do with our faults than theirs. We use a magnifying glass as we look at the speck in our brother’s eye; when what we need to use is a mirror. It’s only after we use a mirror to deal with our “beam” that we can then help with their “speck.”
B. Understandingly.
If we have sincerely examined ourselves first, we can then deal with our brother understandingly.
“Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out.” - Galatians 6:1 (The Message)
It is only as we deal with our brother understandingly that we are dealing with them in a Christ-like way.
“For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning.”
- Hebrews 4:15 (Amplified)
C. Privately - v. 15 - “just between the two of you”
Two reasons:
1) It is the best way to convey concern - If we are trying to convey the fact that we have forgiven them, we will not want to embarrass them or make an example of them; but will want to help them “save face.”
2) It is the best way to communicate concern - Jesus said, “GO and SHOW him his fault.” No e-mail. No phone call. No letter or note. And definitely no Facebook. Anything less that a face to face conversation places a barrier between the people involved.
D. Objectively.
In approaching a brother or sister who has offended you, do not confront the person, but confront the issue. Make observations, not accusations.
That means addressing actions that have occurred, rather than pointing a finger or attacking their character. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “I feel that you did me wrong” is better than “You are a liar!” or “You don’t care about anyone but yourself!”
E. Purposefully.
There are three primary purposes why God might have us personally express forgiveness to one who has offended us.
1) To bring about our spiritual growth.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” - James 1:2-4 (NIV)
Perseverance is about doing what you are supposed to do, even if you don’t feel like it. Often, we may not only not feel like forgiving someone, and we also may not feel like approaching them about an offense. Yet, God calls on us to forgive; and He just may call us to approach the offending person. But as we obey and learn to do the right thing because it is the right thing, we will mature and in the faith.
“The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. When conflict is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have the makings of
spiritual community. In other words, it is how we handle conflict that determines the level of our spiritual maturity!” - Larry Crabb
2) To bring glory to God.
“Let every detail in your lives - words, actions, whatever - be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.” - Colossians 3:17 (The Message)
“So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”
- 1 Corinthians 10:31 (NLT)
3) To bring reconciliation to us and the other person.
Your purpose in approaching an offending brother or sister is not to “put them in their place.” It is not to give them “a piece of your mind.” The purpose is to bring about reconciliation between you, the offended party and them, the offending party. And since you should only approach an offending brother or sister when their offense is a sin, it is also for the purpose of encouraging reconciliation with God.
The only reason for bringing in other persons (v. 16), whether it be an impartial third party for mediation, or the church leadership (1 Corinthians 6:1-6) is for the purpose of arbitration, so that reconciliation might take place. It is not to get others to “see things your way,” or to get someone to help you “gang up on them.”
Notice that in verse 17, our Lord says that if it is determined that you’ve done all that you can, then you can avoid the person altogether, but that is only after we, and our church family can say we’ve done all that we can. Sadly, we often give up too easily, because we aren’t
willing to do “whatever it takes.”
Dr. John Maxwell lists 12 ways to constructively manage conflict and 12 ways to destructively manage conflict.
Constructive Management Destructive Management
1. Agree on a time and place 1. Catch the other person
to talk it out. off guard.
2. Assertively, honestly express 2. Passively suppress your
your feelings. feelings.
3. Focus on the problem, 3. Personalize the disagreement.
not the person.
4. Select a neutral referee. 4. Get your friends to referee.
5. Develop a positive, mature 5. Be negative and vindictive.
attitude.
6. Search for a solution. 6. Find someone to blame.
7. Focus on specifics. 7. Generalize and exaggerate.
8. Be open and available. 8. Be silent and superior.
9. Affirm your responsibility. 9. Blame someone else.
10. When problems arise, 10. When problems arise,
work them out. walk out.
11. Listen, wait and learn. 11. Presume, assume
and dominate.
12. Forgive and forget. 12. Stubbornly demand
guarantees.
“Coping with difficult people is always a problem. Especially if the difficult person happens to be yourself.” - John Maxwell
Conclusion: In 2 Corinthians 5:17-20, Paul tells us that God has given us the “ministry of reconciliation” (v. 18) and called us to share with a lost world the “message of reconciliation” (v. 19). Too many unbelievers are not responding to the message of reconciliation because they do not see Christians fulfilling the ministry of reconciliation in their relationships with one another.
For the sake of our Lord, our brothers and sisters in Christ, and a lost world, let’s commit ourselves to taking the initiative in reconciliation!
