Title: And You Think Your Family Is Messed Up! (Part I)
Text: Genesis 29:15-28
Thesis: God is at work in and through our lives despite our differences and dysfunction.
Back Story
In Genesis 28 we see how a dream encounter with God had a transforming affect on Jacob.
When he woke up from his dream he set up a stone memorial pillar, consecrated it with oil and named it Bethel which means “house of God.” He then went on to make a vow to God: “If God will indeed be with me and protect me on this journey, and if he will provide me with food and clothing, and if I return safely to my father’s home, then the Lord will certainly be my God. And this memorial pillar I have set up will become a place for worshipping God, and I will present to God a tenth of everything he gives me.” Genesis 28:18-22
In Genesis 29:1 we see Jacob hurrying on toward his uncle’s home in Haran with this new inner assurance that God’s promise was good, “What’s more, I am with you and will protect you wherever you go. One day I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have finished everything I have promised you.” Genesis 28:15
As noted last week, Jacob was about to jump out of the frying pan into the fire and he would need the presence and protection of God for the years before him. He was leaving one dysfunctional family for another…
Introduction
In Shrek 2 an Ogre named Shrek is married to the princess Fiona. In the story the princess took her new husband home to the Kingdom of Far Far Away to meet her parents. The King and Queen of Far Far Away were shocked to discover their new son-in-law was a big green Ogre and their beautiful princess daughter Fiona looked just like him.
When the family sat down to a royal meal the personalities and prejudices began to clash. The king and his new son-in-law glowered at each other from opposite ends of the table.
The king shouted to his son-in-law, the big green Ogre asking, “What kind of grandchildren can we expect from you?”
“Ogres!” Shrek yells in return.
Attempting to keep the peace, the queen adds, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
“Not unless you eat your young!” shouted the king.
As classical music played in the background the anger spreads as Fiona screams at Shrek and the queen screams at the king. Suddenly the battle broke out in earnest and a food fight was on… crackers crushed, lobster cracked, chicken shredded, fish filleted and a roasted pig flew through the air as the queen remarked “It’s so nice to have the family together for dinner.”
Dysfunction has become the go to word these days when attempting to describe anything that doesn’t work the way it would work if it were normal. It is generally used to describe a condition of having poor or unhealthy behaviors and attitudes within a group of people… hence dysfunctional families, dysfunctional workplaces, dysfunctional churches, etc. When I see or am aware of dysfunction I think, “Man, that’s messed up.”
Our text today is a continuation of a scenario of family dynamics that can only be described as messed up and dysfunctional.
Jacob had grown up in what I would say was a pretty messed up, dysfunctional home.
The Dysfunction in Jacob’s past
• Parental favoritism: Isaac favored Esau and Rebekah favored Jacob
• Jacob cheated his brother by trading a bowl of soup for his birthright
• Rebekah and Jacob colluded and connived to steal Esau’s blessing
• Jacob tricked his aged and blind father into giving him the blessing
• Esau is enraged and plots to kill his brother Jacob
• Rebekah manipulates her husband to save Jacob under the pretense of sending him to her brother’s home under the guise of getting a wife within the family rather than marrying a local pagan woman
Note! These were people God brought together in his Divine Providence. These are people through whom God would bless all the nations of the world.
And now Jacob was about to jump out of the frying pan into the fire of another messed up family.
The Dysfunction in Jacob’s future
• Laban tricked Jacob into working a total of 14 years for the privilege of marrying Rachel
• Sisters Leah and Rachel engage in a contest to see who can personally and through surrogates give Jacob the most children… result 12 sons and 1 daughter.
• Jacob practiced genetic manipulation of the sheep and goats to grow rich at his uncle Laban’s expense
• Jacob convinced his wives that their father was out to get him and the needed to return to his home
• Jacob took his wives, children, servants, household goods and livestock and flees back to Canaan
• Uncle Laban chased after him, caught up with Jacob and confronted him
I am reminded of a line from the old Stanley Laurel and Oliver Hardy series when Ollie would get all flummoxed and shout at his bumbling buddy Stanley, “This is another fine mess you’ve gotten me into!” What we have in this text is “another fine mess.” So what is it that we are to do with this woeful tale of dysfunction?
One take away is to be reminded of God’s faithfulness even in our human frailty.
I. God is present and at work in messed-upness
“What’s more, I am with you, and I will protect you wherever you go.” Genesis 28:15
A. Divine Prevenience, Genesis 29:1-14
The word prevenient means antecedent or anticipatory. Theologically we think of prevenient grace as the grace of God that goes before us… it is God at work in anticipation of what is to come. In this case it is God at work preveniently or in anticipation of Jacob’s arrival in Haran.
In the first 14 verses of Genesis 29 we see Jacob arriving in the land of Haran. He sees some sheep in the field near a well. He asks the shepherds who are waiting to water their sheep if they know his uncle Laban. They do… and it just so happens that Uncle Laban’s daughter, Rachel, is about to arrive to water her father’s sheep. So because Rachel was his cousin, the daughter of Laban, his mother’s brother and because the sheep and goats belonged to Uncle Laban, Jacob removed the stone covering the well and watered the sheep and goats. Then he kissed Rachel and told her who he was and Rachel ran home to tell her father. God preveniently and conveniently set the stage for Jacob’s arrival and for his eventual marriage to Rachel.
Much earlier in the back story when Abraham decided his son Isaac needed a wife he sent his most faithful servant to the land of Haran where he arrived at a spring and watched as the young women of the village came out to draw water from the spring. Among them was Rebekah who is described in Genesis 24:16 as very beautiful, old enough to be married and still a virgin. The servant had prayed that God would lead him to just the right young bride and the sign would be her willingness to give him a drink of water and then water his camels as well. She did and so the servant gave her a gold ring for her nose and two large gold bracelets for her wrists. She invited him to come home with her where he met her brother Laban and her father and they cut a deal for Rebekah to return with him to marry Abraham’s son, Isaac. So in succession we have Isaac marrying Rebekah, the sister of Laban and Jacob marrying Rachel, the daughter of Laban.
It other words, by the grace of God, the pieces are all falling into place. No matter how convoluted and confusing circumstances may be and no matter how messed up our lives may be, God makes it all work. That truth is reminiscent of the well-worn verse from Romans 8:28, “All things work together for the good of those called according to his purposes.”
B. Divine Providence
Cindy Woodsmall wrote, “There are no coincidences in God’s providence.”
We sometimes hear of how God orchestrated some ordinary event into an extraordinary outcome as in Jacob’s dream in Genesis 28 which prompted him to say, “Surely the Lord is in this place and I wasn’t even aware of it. But mostly God is at work in the ordinary of our lives and what we think of as ordinary and perhaps coincidental is in fact God’s doing.
An extraordinary story of God’s providential work that resulted in an extraordinary outcome is the story of Esther, a young Jewish woman rose from anonymity and obscurity to become a queen who was strategically placed to intercede for and save her people of an attempt at ethnic cleansing. When her uncle spoke of her place in history he said, “Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?” Esther 4:14
Illustration: You may not know this story but 16 or 17 years Heritage was in a search for a new pastor. I knew about it and had been present at the Conference Annual Meeting in Sioux City, Iowa when our church came into the Midwest Covenant Conference. I had sat in that meeting and looked at the representatives from our church who were in attendance and I remember thinking, “Man, those are tall people.”
Later Rick Mylander asked me if he could include my resume with those he was submitting to the Heritage Search Committee. So my 9 year old resume arrived here in a stack of resumes for the leadership of this church to consider. My resume was in the pile of resumes that did not pass muster. Rick asked me to update my resume and he submitted it again in another stack of resumes… this time I was invited to candidate here at Heritage.
Meanwhile we were asked to candidate in other churches. We flew to New York state and met with a congregation there. It was a very different candidating experience. I immediately discerned that one of the people on the search team was working very hard at making it a challenging interview. As I listened I realized that he was a pastor who was working in another field. I discerned that he wanted to be the new pastor of that congregation. So when we left I immediately called the Conference Superintendent and told him there was a person on the search committee who “wanted to be king” and would likely try to sabotage other candidates as well. The Conference Superintendent investigated and found that was the case and upon further investigation the congregation removed the man from the search team.
While all of that was going on Bonnie and I received the profile packet from Heritage. I will be honest. I did not meet the criteria established by the leadership of this church so I was a tad uncomfortable. When Bonnie and I came to candidate I had eaten a piece of pizza at the airport in Omaha, Nebraska and was sick as a dog while we were here. We had breakfast on Saturday morning at Le Peeps and I had to excuse myself from the table to go vomit. We met with several groups of people during that day and were extensively interviewed by the search committee. I was sick as a dog. We were guests in the pulpit on Sunday and enjoyed a wonderful potluck dinner on Sunday. I was sick as a dog.
We were absolutely amazed when we were invited to serve here at Heritage. Even more amazing, the next day I received an invitation from the church in New York to be their next pastor. I don’t know who was spared but I know it was messed up and we are grateful for the privilege of living among you for nearly 15 years.
That is just one story. Looking back I can see the hand of God at work time and time again. And if you take a serious look you will also see that God has been and is at work in your life. You may even marvel at how a life that messed up could be what it is today.
What this all means for us is simply this… you may never know what God is doing preveniently and/or providentially in our lives. Sometimes it takes years before we look back and realize how God was at work.
A second take away is to remind ourselves that cultural differences are just that, cultural differences.
II. Cultural differences do not deter God
“I will work for you for seven years if you’ll give me Rachel, your younger daughter, as my wife.” Genesis 29:18
One of the issues western Christians have to come to grips with is cultural differences. The cultural differences are often exacerbated in our minds by the “times.” When we read a story like this one we are reading about life over 3,000 years ago. Additionally, we are adjusting our thinking to take not only “time” but also “place” into consideration. In other words… this biblical account happened a long time ago and in a different part of the world.
We cannot quite wrap our minds around the idea of arranged marriages and yet arranged marriages are common in some parts of the world. We cannot understand the place of women and children in other times and cultures.
In this biblical account Jacob arrives at his uncle’s home in Haran and goes to work. After a month Uncle Laban asked Jacob what he thought a fair wage might be.
The story is interrupted there in 29:16 and 17 to describe Laban’s two daughters, Leah and Rachel. Leah was the older daughter and is described, depending on which commentator your read, as having either bad eyes or beautiful eyes. The word is actually “tender” eyes which can be construed to mean she has weak eyes or beautiful eyes.
It is perhaps unfortunate and unfair that Leah is portrayed as the homely older sister while her younger sister is portrayed as having a lovely figure and a beautiful face. At any rate, Jacob is in one of those “love at first sight” relationships and he is madly in love with Rachel.
So when asked about a fair wage Jacob suggests that he work off the payment of her dowry – 7 years of labor in exchange for Rachel’s hand in marriage. And so it was, Jacob and Laban cut a deal for an arranged marriage.
In 29:20 we read of how Jacob’s love for Rachel was so strong that the 7 years seemed to him as but a few days.
The first time I saw Bonnie I heard a ruckus and some squealing and screaming out on the lawn between the dorm and Old Main. I looked out and there was Bonnie running with a football while a bunch of freshman boys were trying to tackle her.
Before I asked Bonnie to marry me I made sure she was going to say “yes.” I don’t think either of us is very big on surprises so it never occurred to me that I might plant the engagement ring in a hot fudge sundae or propose on the jumbotron at Coors Field. Being certain that she would say, “Yes,” we made a trip to Farmington Hills, Michigan to meet with her father for the purpose of asking for his and Mom’s permission and blessing for our engagement. There was no paying or receiving a dowry. In our culture the thought of working 7 years for a bride would tend to be a deal-breaker. Anyway, that’s the way we did it.
In Russia on the day of the wedding the groom arrives at the bride’s home where he must pay a ransom for the bride. The entire event is played out comically and everyone has a good time. The groom arrives and gives money or jewelry for the bride after which the parents bring out a woman or a man dressed and veiled as a bride but definitely not the actual bride. When the groom realizes it is not his bride the family then demands that a bigger ransom be paid. Upon satisfaction the bride’s family then gives the actual bride to the groom.
This whole scenario points to a much larger cultural difference in the place and role of women in a society. When a woman must bring a dowry to the marriage she is essentially buying the right to be a bride. When a groom pays a dowry for his bride he is essentially buying his bride. In one case the woman has to pay her way into the marriage of is paid for in order for her to be in the marriage. Women then and in many places were and are today thought of as property (the old term is chattel) and the subject of marriages arranged by men for the mutual benefit of their respective households.
Despite however an account violates our cultural sensitivities the important thing is to see how God worked then and works still in the context of differing existing cultures.
Conclusion
Jacob grew up in a dysfunctional family and went on to be the head of a dysfunctional family. The biblical narrative is packed with stories of dysfunction and yet God worked through all of that and them way back then.
Remember The Andy Griffith Show with Andy and Opie and Aunt B? Father Knows Best? Leave It to Beaver? They were all so sweet and wholesome and so ideal. Families were a mom and a dad and a little boy and a little girl all dressed up in their Sunday best, carrying their bibles to church.
We even saw how loving relationships could flourish even in the dysfunction of The Honeymooners. More recently we see how dysfunction can be amusing in Everybody Loves Raymond and the Costanzas on Seinfeld.
Today we see family life portrayed in the animations of The Simpsons and Family Guy. The period series Game of Thrones portrays the Lannister family as one of deadly dysfunction. Then, there is the new morality model family portrayed in Modern Family. There are not many good and godly models out there to amuse and entertain us.
However we have a pretty good idea of what a model for good interpersonal relationships should look like and I believe God can more readily work in and through you and me and our families when we at our best but I also believe that God can and does work in and through us and our families even when we are messed up.
So we have both a challenge and a consolation: So we have a challenge to by the grace of God work toward wholesome and healthy interpersonal relationships and the comfort in knowing that God can and does work when we are not at our best or his best.
So we find ourselves back where we began: God is at work in and through our lives despite our differences and our dysfunction.
Next Sunday we will unpack the text further:
Life is not fair in dysfunctional relationships.
What goes around comes around in dysfunctional Relationships.
Innocent people get hurt in dysfunctional relationships.
