Title: Three Pillars for a Biblically Functioning Family
Text: Various Texts
We need desperately to understand what it means to have biblically functioning families because healthy families will help promote a healthy church.
The family is a microcosm of the church.
If a church is filled with unhealthy families, that church itself will be unhealthy.
“Small Groups and Youth Groups” A lot of churches talk about “small group” ministry and “small group” studies and “small group fellowship”.
Beloved, the individual family is the genuine “small group” within the church.
Some people break their backs to have church folks come to their homes and have a bible study and prayer time, but never study the word or pray with their own families.
They are more than willing to try to feed their christian friends while their children starve for the word.
Instead, the children are carted off to “youth group” and the parents OUTSOURCE their responsibility for ministry to their children to someone else.
It is like preparing a gourmet meal for our friends and sending our children to Mcdonalds.
The kids may love it, but it is not healthy!!!
Each of our families constitute the small groups which make up this church.
And while we need to have interfamily fellowships, we first need to be concerned about whether or not our homes are seeking to live for Christ.
Important Question: Are our homes being the small discipleship groups that they are supposed to be, or are they just the places wherein we live like the world between Sunday services?
So, we ask ourselves the question: What is the Biblically Functioning Family?
There are Three Pillars which Uphold a BIBLICALLY FUNCTIONING FAMILY:
- The Proper Love for Christ
- The Proper Love for Your Spouse
- The Proper Love for Your Children
In each of these points, I have included the word “proper”
I have done so because I know a lot of people would claim to love their spouses, love their children, and even love Jesus.
But the question is, “are we loving them in the way the Bible says we should.”
Love is not JUST an emotional feeling; It is the outgrowth of a proper understanding of what the Bible means by the word “LOVE”.
Love is not a feeling, love is a VERB - it shows action - thus, in loving Christ, our spouse and our family, there are ACTIONS involved.
I. The Proper Love for Christ
What do we mean when we say, “Proper love for Christ”?
As I said, many people claim to love Jesus.
People of all types of religious backgrounds claim to love Jesus.
Even unbelievers claim to love Him for His teachings on forgiveness.
But, according to Christ, love for Him includes one very distinctive quality: OBEDIENCE.
John 14:15 “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”
This verse is based on the “if/then” principle.
Basically, “IF” this thing happens, “THEN” this other things will happen as a result.
We use this with our children all the time.
“IF” you go outside and get mud on your clothes, “THEN” I will punish you.
-or-
“IF” you do not go clean your room, “THEN” you will not be able to attend the party.
Well, this same idea is being used here.
Jesus says, “If you love me you will keep my commandments”
He doesn’t use the word “then”, but it is implied within the context.
He is saying that obedience is a NECESSARY OUTGROWTH of love for Him.
“IF” you love Him, “THEN” you will keep His commandments.
Note: This is not a claim that you will be perfect in your obedience, but that your desires will be toward obedience.
And Christ says this same thing, only inversely, just a few verses later...
John 14:21a “Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me...”
He even goes on just a few verses later to make another assertion which backs up this one...i.e. that if you do NOT love Him, you will not obey Him.
John 14:23-24 “Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. 24 Whoever does not love me does not keep my words. And the word that you hear is not mine but the Father's who sent me.”
John was so convicted by this idea, that he continually makes it a point of His writings...
John 15:10 “Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. 24 Whoever does not love me does not keep my words. And the word that you hear is not mine but the Father's who sent me.”
1 John 5:2-3 “By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. 3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome.”
2 John 6 “And this is love, that we walk according to his commandments; this is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, so that you should walk in it.”
So, it is obvious that the first step in a proper relationship with Christ is understanding that the relationship is founded on obedience.
Those who say they love Jesus, but have no love for His commandments, are simply deceiving themselves.
We cannot live in constant, unrepentant and consistent rebellion to his commands and say that we love Him.
Transitional Statement:
So, we see that biblically functioning family begins with a love of and obedience to Christ. This love for Him is then expanded out to the rest of the family...
II. The Proper Love for Your Spouse
When we discuss the love which is supposed to be expressed between a husband and a wife, it would be impossible to not consider the words of he apostle Paul...
Ephesians 5:22-33 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
The Bible gives us this beautifully described exposition of what a marriage is supposed to be.
Mutual affection, demonstrated by both people, wherein both understand the needs of the other and seek to fulfill them.
And this is supposed to last perpetually.
Jesus tells us, “What God brings together, let not man separate”.
Yet, in our society the marriage is not given the respect or reverence which it deserves.
QUOTE: “We are now living in a society which has decided to declare moral rebellion against the very notion of a normative marriage” - Albert Mohler
Mohler is talking about the recent decisions in courts across our land to recognize homosexual couples in marriages and polygamous groups as legitimate.
But these are not the only problems.
Marriage has been under assault for decades by a cancer called “divorce”.
Couples are no longer “long suffering” with one another, but rather look for any occasion to jettison the relationship for greener pastures.
ILLUSTRATIVE CARTOON: I recently saw a cartoon where an elderly woman was asked how she and her husband were able to keep their marriage together so long. Her answer was, “In our time, when things broke, we fixed them. We didn’t throw them away and get new ones”.
This is so true... we live in a throw away society.
And many people live their lives ready to throw away their spouse because of their perceived unhappiness.
Now, I am not saying that divorce is an unforgivable sin...
What I am saying is that it is a symptom of a larger problem within our world.
We no longer appreciate the great responsibility that marriage truly is.
A man has the responsibility to LOVE his wife.
A wife has the responsibility to RESPECT her husband.
ONE OF THE PILLARS OF THE FAMILY IS THE LOVE WHICH EXISTS BETWEEN THE HUSBAND AND HIS WIFE.
NOTE ON SINGLENESS: Some of you may be thinking, “I’m not married, so this doesn’t really apply to me”, so I want to speak directly to you for a moment.
I don’t want to over simplify the situation, but in in my mind single folks can be broken down into two groups.
You are either looking to find someone to love and marry, or you aren’t (you may be a widow/widower, you may believe God has given you the gift of singleness and you are satisfied, etc.).
Simply put, you are either “single and seeking” or “single and satisfied.”
If you are single and satisfied, that is actually a blessing.
The apostle Paul commends singleness to those who can live in that situation, because they can focus all of their relational attention upon Christ.
1 Corinthians 7:8-9 “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
This is one of those times where the Apostle Paul just GETS REAL.
He makes the point that IF you can be single and satisfied, GREAT!
BUT, not everyone is gifted that way, and if you are not able to do it and remain self disciplined, you should get married.
Simple, direct and real.
So, to those of you who are single and seeking a person to be in a relationship with, let me offer one consideration for you.
Often, we are so focused on finding someone we love and loves us back that we forget the most important component...
The most important component of a godly relationship is not just that we love that person and that person loves us back... the most valuable thing is does that person love JESUS?
If you are single and seeking, you need to be seeking someone you can love Jesus with.
TRANSITIONAL STATEMENT:
So, the first pillar is a proper love for Christ.
And the second is a proper love for your spouse
(and those who are single are focused on loving Christ and potentially finding someone to love Christ with them).
The final pillar....
III. The Proper Love for Your Children
If it is right to say that marriage has been drug down into the mud by our modern culture, then child rearing has been trampled and stomped upon.
Parenting used to be considered a blessing and a gift.
But now it is considered a burden, which many people are unwilling to bear.
QUOTE: “The Bible calls debt a curse and children a blessing, but in our culture we apply for the curse and reject the blessings.”
Consider the great words from Scripture which are used to describe the blessing of childrearing.
Psalm 127:3-5 “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. 4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. 5 Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”
Notice that children are called both a “heritage” and a “reward”.
And there is a blessing when a man’s “quiver” is full.
This means there is a blessing on the family that chooses to actually have multiple children.
Modern culture REJECTS this.
Modern parents often go by the mantra: “A boy for me, a girl for you. That’s it for us, thank God we’re through!”
Parents with multiple children are often looked at with great disdain.
Consider the Dugger family - a Christian couple who have had some 19 children, and have the means to provide for them without assistance.
They are scourged and mocked in social media for their beliefs that a large family is actually a blessing; one woman in particular saying that they were irresponsible for leaving such a big CARBON FOOTPRINT.
Here is the reality...
Not every parent is called to raise 19 kids.
But how ever many kids we have been called to parent, whether it be 10, or 5, or maybe just 1, our responsibility to provide a godly love for that child.
How ever many arrows are in our quiver, we have the responsibility to care for each one as a precious gift from God.
To cherish the reward God has given us.
So, how do we do it?
We Model Christ-like Behavior
What you do in front of your children will always weigh more in their development than what you say.
If your words do not match your actions, your children will only learn from you hypocrisy.
We need to be able to say to our children the same thing the apostle Paul said to us...
1 Corinthians 11:1 “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.”
We Give Instruction in the Word of God
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
We need to be having intimate, real conversations about the Word with our kids.
This includes, but is not limited to family worship.
It should also include bringing God and His Word into our everyday life and demonstrating how it affects every aspect of it.
Illustration: “Facebook with Ashlee” This past week, I was having a conversation on FB with a man who was asking questions about the Christian view of homosexuality. The problem was, I was driving, so I was asking Ashlee to read me the man’s questions and I was telling her the answers so she could type out my response. What warmed my heart was when she would read his questions and objections and say, “Daddy, this isn’t right.”
You see, she knew it wasn’t right. She saw the illogical position the man was taking and that his words were against what the Bible teaches.
And I was glad because this meant to me that she had been listening when we had discussed these things, not just in bible studies, but in our daily lives. These conversations about the Word of God were normal for us, and thus she knew truth and error when she heard it.
Note: Please don’t think I am holding myself or Jennifer up as perfect parental examples. We mess up, a lot. And our children are bound to experience lapses in judgment as the years progress. I just found this to be a good example of what we should be doing: i.e. DISCUSSING the Word, living the Word, loving the Word with our kids.
3) We Provide Appropriate Discipline
Recently I have come across a great deal of writing which has been put forth to say that the Bible does not commend spanking.
The argument is that we have misread the passages regarding “sparing” the rod.
Furthermore, they make the argument that the Bible never says, “Spare the rod, spoil the child” as is commonly quoted.
And this is correct... the actual reading is as follows...
Proverbs 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”
The rod here is meant to speak of correction.
And the point is simple: If we refuse to correct our children, we do not love them.
If we allow them to be unrestrained, without rules and punishment when those rules are broken, we do nothing but demonstrate contempt for our roles as parents.
Illustration: “Love My Son Too Much to Discipline” A man once told me he loved his son too much to get on to him. He said, “I just cannot do it, I love him too much.” My response was, “No sir, you love yourself too much. You do not want to experience the pain you feel which accompanies the discipline of your son, so you let him do as he pleases without punishment and demonstrate that you truly do not love him, but you love yourself.”
Now, I am not telling you that spanking is the only appropriate form of punishment... parents must evaluate what forms of punishment are most successful with their children.
But, what I am saying that the Bible tells us that discipline from a parent is required.
Proverbs 23:13 “Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.”
So our responsibilities to our children are threefold:
Model Christ
Teach the Word
Provide Appropriate Discipline
Some may say, “Pastor, there is a lot more!”
We have to think about appropriate diet, education, hygiene, etc. You sure have left out a LOT!
And that is true...
This is not meant to be an exhaustive list n how to be a parent.
This list is a reminder of the things which are necessary for parents who are seeking to have a BIBLICALLY FUNCTIONING FAMILY.
CONCLUSION: Just like a table with only two legs cannot stand on its own, so too a family which omits one of these three responsibilities cannot stand as an example of a biblically functioning family.
We need to be concerned with the focus of our love...
First for Christ...
Then our spouse...
And then our children.
And, by the way, that is the appropriate ORDER.
Nothing can damage a home faster than when these get out of order.
A man who puts his love of his children above his wife, or a woman who puts the kids above her husband is a house OUT OF ORDER.
The kids need to see dad love mom above all else.
The kids need to see mom love dad above all else.
So that, when they are prepared to meet their future Mr. or Mrs., they will have seen modeled to them what biblical love between a man and woman is supposed to be.
