Introduction:
A. Let’s start with a question: Do you know which are the most difficult years of marriage?
1. Answer: The ones following the wedding!
2. I want to speak realistically today – marriage isn’t easy.
3. Even the very best marriages take a lot of work.
4. Personally, I’m exceedingly thankful for my wife, Diana, and for our marriage.
a. Thankfully, we’ve never had a bad marriage.
b. But we have to keep working on our good marriage to make it even better.
B. A man named Tim Timmons maintains that there are basically three stages (conditions) in marriage.
1. Stage #1 is the Ideal - That’s when everyone is happy, and when love is grand!
2. But then along comes Stage #2 - The Ideal becomes an Ordeal - This is when we realize that our Prince Charming has warts, and that our Sleeping Beauty is not nearly so lovely once you give her a kiss and she wakes up.
3. Then, far too often, along comes Stage #3 - And that’s when one of the spouses goes looking for a New Deal.
C. When marriage becomes exceedingly difficult (and some do), then we are tempted to quit.
1. And that’s when we can easily fall prey to some of the basic myths or lies about marriage.
I. MARRIAGE MYTHS
A. MYTH #1: People Can Have a Perfect Marriage
1. Truthfully, however, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage.
2. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, because to have a perfect marriage you have to have two perfect people.
3. There are various degrees of marriage - from horrible to great.
4. But even the best of marriages has their problems and difficulties.
5. In premarital counseling, I try to get across the point that when two imperfect people marry, the result will be an imperfect marriage.
6. But the average engaged couple has difficulty taking my comments seriously.
7. Engaged couple’s eyes are aglow with love, and that can’t imagine that things could get hard.
8. But every marriage has its’ share of challenges.
B. MYTH #2: There is One Perfect Person Out There for You to Marry
1. The myth goes like this: If you marry the right person, you will have a wonderful life together. Your problems will be minimized. Yours will be a storybook “happily ever after.”
2. Have you bought into that myth? If you have, then when things begin to go wrong in your marriage, and they will, then you will conclude that you have married the wrong person!
3. If you buy into this myth, then you will begin to think that maybe the perfect person for you is still out there somewhere, and you need to trade in the one you’ve got for a better model.
4. The truth is: there is no one and only perfect person for you to marry.
5. You may have made a poor choice, and married a very imperfect and very difficult person.
6. But there is no one and only perfect person out there for you to marry.
C. MYTH #3: We are Too Incompatible to Make This Marriage Work
1. The truth is that we may be very different, and our marriage may have many problems, but these do not have to doom a marriage to failure.
2. Problems don’t have to break up a marriage, in fact, they can actually stabilize and strengthen the marriage as the couple positively works through their problems and incompatibility.
3. Unfortunately, many couples, when confronted with the normal routine problems of marriage, throw up their hands and say, “Well, I guess we are incompatible!”
4. The Swiss psychiatrist, Paul Tournier, suggests that we exorcise this term “incompatibility” from our vocabulary. He wrote, “So called emotional incompatibility is a myth invented by jurists short of arguments in order to plead for divorce. It is likewise a common excuse people use in order to hide their own feelings. I simply do not believe that it exists. There are misunderstandings and mistakes, however, which can be corrected where there is a willingness to do so.”
5. Mature and committed couples will work towards adjustment, bending over backwards to understand each other’s feelings and opinions.
6. Successful couples cultivate their love, even when there are seemingly irreconcilable differences.
D. MYTH #4: God Doesn’t Want Me to Stay in a Marriage that Makes Me Unhappy
1. Have you heard people say, “I have the right to be happy!” Or “God wants me to be happy.”?
2. See, that’s a false notion. You and I don’t have the right to be happy.
3. There are things that are more important to God for you than your “happiness.”
4. In reality, our ultimate joy and happiness comes from our right relationship with God.
5. When our relationship with God is strong, we can experience joy and peace, even in the midst of suffering and pain, including the suffering and pain of a difficult marriage.
E. I don’t introduce these myths to minimize the challenges and pain that marriage brings to many.
1. Rather, I bring these up so that we will be in agreement that marriage isn’t easy!
2. I also want us to be in agreement that God wants us to work on our marriages.
3. And, I want us to believe that if both partners work on their marriage it can grow and improve.
II. MARRIAGE MAKEOVER
A. Over the years I have owned many small cars that have had manual transmissions.
1. Some of the benefits of manual transmissions have included: better gas mileage, better control in the snow, and lower repair costs.
2. But one of my favorite benefits, especially when I was a financially challenged college student, was the ability to jump-start a car with a manual transmission.
3. If the starter or battery is going bad on a car with a manual transmission, all you have to do is get a push or always park on a hill.
4. Many times, especially in my college days, the starter didn’t work or the battery was really weak, but all I had to do was get the old car rolling and pop the clutch, and I’d be on my way.
B. Sometimes marriage is like that.
1. Sometimes the battery’s dead or the starter’s broken.
2. Sometimes it just needs a little push to get the thing going again.
3. And that’s what I want to talk about in the rest of this sermon.
4. I want to talk about having a marriage makeover. Let’s jump-start our marriages.
C. The text that I’ve chosen for us to work with for this subject may seem like an unusual one.
1. In Revelation 2, we’re introduced to the church at Ephesus.
2. We learn that there are some good things that have occurred in this church.
3. Jesus’ message to them included, “I know your hard work, I know your perseverance, I know you do not tolerate wicked men and I know you have endured great hardships.” (Rev. 2:2-3)
a. These are all marvelous qualities and characteristics of this church.
4. And when we look at our marriages, my guess is that we can find good things.
a. No matter how long you have been married, four years or forty, there certainly have been some good things happen in our marriage at some point.
5. But for the Ephesian church everything wasn’t good, there were some problems.
a. Jesus said to them, “I hold this against you. You have forsaken your first love.” (v. 4)
D. When I think about marriage, and I think about the problems that we face in our marriages, many of the problems can be traced to that one problem itself.
1. We have forsaken our first love.
2. We have forsaken our wife or our husband.
3. The love that we had for them that caused us to make the commitment to them, and the actions that were associated with that love have been forsaken and they’ve been forgotten.
4. For that reason, all kinds of other problems have begun to arise.
5. But I wonder, “How does a church get to the point that they have forsaken their first love?”
a. And how does a marriage, how does a husband, how does a wife get to that point where they have forsaken their first love? How could that happen?
6. When we think about it, there are lots of things that can happen along the way, aren’t there.
a. Success, perhaps, can cause us to forsake our first love, whether that love be Christ and the church or whether it be our wife or husband.
b. The problems that we face as we walk through life: the illness, the accidents, the job losses - all of these things can become distractions.
c. There may be enticements along the way - enticements that can draw us away from God, and away from spiritual things.
d. And we have enticements that can draw us away from our first love in marriage.
e. There is that handsome guy at the office, or that nice looking young lady down at the store, or the things we see on television or the internet, that bring about dissatisfaction—and we are drawn away, and enticed.
7. So this was the problem that was being faced there in the Ephesian church, and perhaps this is the problem that you’re facing in your marriage today – you have forsaken your first love.
E. What can be done that can help the situation? What can be done to give us a marriage makeover?
1. I want us to notice the prescription that was given to the church in Ephesus (v. 5), for it is the same prescription that we need today.
2. Verse 5 says, “Remember the height from which you have fallen. Repent, and do the things you did at first.”
3. The three simple remedies are: Remember! Repent! Repeat!
F. First, Remember the height from which you’ve fallen.
1. Jesus encouraged the church to remember their early days; remember the commitments they had to Christ; remember how life was in the church; remember how high you were, and see how low you are today.
2. That’s the same thing I would encourage us to do in our marriages.
3. Remember where we started from; remember the height that we arrived at: the height in terms of emotion, the height in terms of closeness, in terms of communication.
4. Can you remember better days, and good conversations, and pleasant experiences, even if right now you’re not experiencing them in your marriage?
5. Remember them. Think back to those days.
G. Second, Jesus told them to repent.
1. That single word has so much meaning to it—to change, to turn around, to make a new commitment, to go back to where we had been, and to where we ought to be.
2. Sometimes repentance is what is needed in our relationship with God, and sometimes repentance is what is needed in our relationship with our mate.
3. There is a story of a forty year old man suffering through the classic “mid-life crisis,” who came to talk to a preacher about his problems.
a. He explained how his marriage of 20 years was no longer satisfying or fulfilling.
b. Finally he concluded, “I just don’t love her anymore,” he said. “What can I do?”
c. After a brief moment of reflection, the preacher said decisively, “As I see it, you have only one option.”
d. The man perked up with anticipation. Was the preacher going to suggest a divorce? Would he be free to pursue the thrilling, free lifestyle of the younger generation that he had come to admire?
e. What was the preacher’s advice? “Seems to me that the only thing left for you to do is REPENT and start loving her again.”
4. So often we hear of married couples who complain that they have “fallen out of love.”
5. The real issue is: What do you do when you realize that such a situation exists?
6. The Bible still says the same thing that it has always said. Husbands are to “love their wives: (Eph. 5:25), and wives are to “love their husbands” (Titus 2:4).
7. Please note that these are not just suggestions—they are commands.
8. And when we have stopped loving our husband or our wife what should we do? We should repent, and make a commitment to begin loving them again.
9. The first two remedies are: remember where you’ve been and repent about where you are.
H. Third, and finally, Jesus told them repeat the things you used to do.
1. You all remember those times when you were courting each other—those crazy times when you would stay up all night and talk to each other on the phone.
2. Do you remember how you would drive a hundred miles to see each other for five minutes.
3. Remember when you’d spend all your money on a special gift.
4. Do you remember those crazy times when it didn’t matter if the one you loved forgot this or that. All you did was care about them and want the relationship to be good.
5. In the early days of the Ephesian church there were things going on that they now needed to get back to doing again.
6. And in your marriage there were good things going on early on that you stopped doing that you need to start doing again.
I. So that’s the prescription for a marriage makeover: REMEMBER, REPENT, and REPEAT.
1. Now let me give you a little bit of a plan of action.
2. If there are three “R’s” of education: reading, writing and arithmetic, then there are three “T’s” for relationships.
3. The first “T” is TIME.
a. You’ve got to give it time. You’ve got to invest time in the relationship, and you’ve got to give it time to improve. Your relationship didn’t get bad overnight, and it won’t get better overnight, either.
4. The second “T” is TOUCH.
a. Physical touch—not touch necessarily associated with intimacy but just touch - holding hands, arm on the shoulder, a hug in the morning, a hug in the evening – positive touch.
b. Not a touch to try to get anything going other than to express your love.
5. The third “T” is TALK.
a. Communication involves sharing yourself, sharing your struggles, your hopes, your dreams - the kinds of things you used to do over french-fries and a burger for hours on end at B.K.
b. Communication also involves listening carefully to your mate, both to the things they say and the things that don’t say.
c. You may have to draw them out by asking them questions, and by not interrupting them.
J. Some counselors use a technique called “caring days” - it could be helpful for a marriage makeover.
1. In the “Caring Days” plan, you draw up a list of everything you know that your mate would like you to do for them on a daily basis.
2. Then you make a commitment that one day a week or one day a month you’re going to make an effort to do as many things on that list as you can.
3. It may be to pick up my clothes in the morning and put them in the hamper, or clean up after myself after I have breakfast, or give a compliment, or give your wife a nice card, or a surprise gift - whatever that list of things is.
4. Put it on the calendar. Don’t tell your wife or husband what you are doing, you just start caring by putting your love in action.
5. Hopefully, after you get through that one day and you say can say to yourself, “I will do that again, maybe next week or next month.”
6. Hopefully, it’ll be tomorrow or the next day, and before long every day is a caring day.
7. See, you’re jump-starting the marriage, beginning to do again the things you used to do, the things that used to come naturally and now they don’t because things have gotten in the way.
8. All I’m suggesting is that you start doing what God would want you to do every day.
K. I heard a story about a woman who wanted a divorce, and so she went to see her lawyer.
1. She described her relationship with her husband and the problems with her marriage, and for some reason the lawyer decided that he thought their marriage might be able to be saved, so he proposed a plan.
2. He said, “I tell you what, you really ought to get a divorce. You know, it sounds like your husband has really hurt you. I’m sure you’d really like to hurt him, wouldn’t you?”
3. “Oh, yeah,” she said, “I really want to get him.”
4. “Well, here’s what you do. For the next three months you lavish love on that guy like you’ve never lavished love on him before. You’re going to win his heart back. And once you’ve won his heart back, then we’re going to give him a divorce, and you’re going to break his heart to pieces.”
5. “Oh, man that sounds like a great idea.” So she went home and put the plan in motion. She began to treat him well and lavish love upon him, and after three months, guess what? She didn’t want a divorce.
6. She began acting in love, and how did he respond? He responded to that love, and before long they didn’t need a divorce.
7. That’s what we are talking about - we’re talking about having a marriage makeover by jump-starting the relationship.
8. It starts with one person beginning to do the things that God would want them to do.
M. A wonderful story appeared in Readers’ Digest - It is the story of Larry and Joanne who were an ordinary couple. They lived in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.
1. Like other ordinary couples, they struggled financially and with parenting their children.
2. They were ordinary in yet another way - they had their squabbles.
3. Much of their conversation concerned what was wrong in their marriage and who was to blame, until one day the most extraordinary thing took place.
4. Larry said, “You know Joanne, I’ve got this magic chest-of-drawers. Every time I open them up they’re full of socks and underwear. I want to thank you for filling them all these years.”
5. Joanne stared at her husband over the top of her glasses. “What do you want, Larry?”
6. “Nothing,” he said, “I just want you to know I appreciate those magic drawers.”
7. This wasn’t the first time Larry had done something odd, so Joanne just pushed it aside until again one day Larry said, “Joanne, thank you for recording so many check numbers in the check book. You got 15 out of 16 of them right. That’s a record.”
8. Disbelieving what she heard, Joanne looked up from her mending, “Larry, you’ve always complained about my recording the wrong check numbers. Why stop now?”
9. He said, “No reason, I just wanted you to know I appreciate the effort that you’re making.”
10. Joanne shook her head and went back to her mending, “What’s gotten into him,” she mumbled.
11. Nevertheless the next day when Joanne wrote a check at the grocery store, she found herself being very careful as she recorded the check number. She said, “Why do I suddenly care about those dumb check numbers?”
12. Later Larry said, “Joanne, that was a great dinner tonight. I appreciate all your effort. Why in the past 15 years I’ll bet you’ve fixed over 14,000 meals, and that has to be one of the best.”
13. The next day he said, “Joanne, the house looks spiffy, you’ve really been working hard to get things to look so good.”
14. And on another day he said, “You know, Joanne, I just appreciate you being you. I really enjoy our relationship and your company.”
15. Joanne was growing worried now. Where’s all the sarcasm? Where’s all the criticism, she wondered? She’d gotten so used to those being a part of their relationship.
16. Her fears that something peculiar was happening to her husband were confirmed when their 16 year old Shelly said, “Dad’s gone bonkers, Mom. He just said I look good, even with this make-up and these sloppy clothes. Is something wrong with Dad?”
17. Whatever was wrong, Larry didn’t get over it, and day in and day out he continued focusing on the positive.
18. Over the weeks, Joanne grew more used to her husband’s unusual behavior, and occasionally she gave him a grudging thank you.
19. She prided herself in taking it all in stride until something so peculiar happened, she became completely discombobulated.
20. One day Larry said, “I want you to take a break tonight. I’m going to do the dishes, so please take your hands off the frying pan, and leave the kitchen.”
21. After a long pause Joanne said, “Thank you, thank you very much.”
22. Joanne’s step was now a little lighter, her self-confidence higher, and once in a while, she even hummed. She didn’t experience the same blue moods she used to experience often.
23. But that would be the end of the story, except, one day another most extraordinary event took place and this time it was Joanne.
24. She said, “Larry, I want to thank you for going to work and providing for us all these years. I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much I appreciate that.”
25. Larry has never revealed the reason for his dramatic change, but Joanne doesn’t care. She’s just glad it happened.
Conclusion:
A. What I’m talking about today, isn’t really miraculous though it may seem so - It’s simple and basic.
1. It’s two people who love each other who’ve let other things get in the way, who begin to show that love again all over again like they used to before all this stuff got in the way.
2. Marriages can be turned around. Marriages can have a makeover.
3. Marriages can be revived and resurrected and resuscitated – but it takes work.
4. We can’t have a maximum marriage with minimum effort. I hope we will do all we can to cause our marriage to have a makeover.
B. Where do you begin? I would suggest you follow the steps that Jesus gave to the church at Ephesus.
1. Remember – I would encourage you to remember the early days.
2. Repent - In whatever way you need to, repent, and turn around.
3. Repeat - Begin repeating the things that you did when your relationship was so good.
4. Also, exercise the three “T”s – time, touch and talk.
C. Let me end with a famous quote that sums it all up: “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” (Mignon McLaughlin) Love is the key. Love is a verb.
1. May God give you the desire and the discipline to begin a marriage makeover.
