Bible passages from the NIV, NASV and King James from the BibleGateway.com
Introduction
Dale Carnegie wrote in a book he published in 1936, “How to Win Friends & Influence People,”
“But gradually, as the seasons passed, I realized that as sorely as these adults needed training in effective speaking, they needed still more training in the fine art of getting along with people in everyday business and social contacts.
I also gradually realized that I was sorely in need of such training myself… How I wish a book such as this had been placed in my hands twenty years ago! What a priceless boon it would have been.”
Dale began to work on such a book and he first wanted to see what had been written already on this subject so he approached one of the world’s outstanding authorities on adult education and asked him if he knew of any book that addressed the needs of getting along with people and the man replied, “No, I know what you want, but the book has never been written.”
So Dale began his research so he could write a book on how to treat others. He searched high and low. He talked with great people and the leading psychologists of his day and finally wrote the book, How to Win Friends & Influence People.
It is amazing to me that such a man claims credit for being the first to write an authoritative book on how to get along and totally ignores the most authoritative source on human relationships that was written way before his time and the author is God himself!
Dale writes his book and it was and probably still is a big seller. The reality is you do not need to purchase his flawed book. Because the perfect guide to relationships has already been written and has been passed down to us today.
Dale can add nothing new to God’s word that he tried to ignore. Through his research and writing, guess what his first principle is in his book? Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Guess what? Paul who was inspired by God addressed this issue around A.D. 60 probably during his imprisonment in Rome! Let’s see here 1936 – 60 years, that would have been around 1,876 years earlier! Dale should have done a little more research!
Today as we continue in our series on Christianity 101 we will look at yet another attitude that we need to correct within our lives as we walk with Christ. So far we have looked at how we need to become truthful people, people who are slow to become angry and to not sin in our anger, that we are people who work hard and do not steal. The next attitude that we must address is told to us in Ephesians 4:29
29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear."
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth. The King James version phrases it this way, “29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth”
When we look at this word for unwholesome or corrupt it is a very graphic word. The actual word is the word for rotten. These are words that smell of stench and decay. When I think of rotten, I think of times where I have cleaned out the refrigerator! By the laughter, you already know what I’m going to say. There always seems to be something hidden in the back of the fridge and say something, because who knows what it originally was! You’ve been there haven’t you. All you know is that at one time, this something, was fresh and good for eating. What was healthy and good is now destroyed and worthless. It was put in the fridge with good intentions of using and eating another day. But days or weeks of being ignored, abused and neglected has destroyed it from any further use.
So, Paul commands us to not let any abusive and destructive words to proceed from our mouths.
Rotten Words Destroy Relationships
It does not require us much effort to understand that using rotten, unwholesome words is very destructive in nature. Having the attitude that is critical and condemning and letting those attitudes come out of our mouths will destroy relationships.
Matthew 15:10-20 - 10 Jesus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen and understand. 11 What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.”
12 Then the disciples came to him and asked, “Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this?”
13 He replied, “Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots. 14 Leave them; they are blind guides. If the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.”
15 Peter said, “Explain the parable to us.”
16 “Are you still so dull?” Jesus asked them. 17 “Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? 18 But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile them.”
When we discuss the topic of what comes out of our mouths we need to realize that it is far more than just watching our tongues. The reality is what we say is a reflection of our hearts. When we see that our language is rotten and is damaging all of your relationships, we need to look at ourselves. We need to do this because what comes out of our mouths is a reflection of the attitudes that we carry within our hearts.
When our attitudes are evil, or we may say contrary to the nature of God, then we will speak in all sorts of destructive ways. Then we will see our relationships fall apart.
Husband Wife Relationships
One relationship that suffers dearly when we are negative and quarrelsome is our relationship with our spouse.
Proverbs 21:9 - 9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Notice in this verse that it shows a separation between the husband and the wife who should be one. When we are quarrelsome, when we constantly speak negatively towards our husband or wife, we will cause a separation to happen. If you are constantly being ridiculed by your spouse it does not take long before you do not want to be around your spouse.
When your wife or husband is constantly nagging you, telling you that you are basically worthless, then you will not want to be around that person anymore. You will also probably decide that it is not worth trying to be anything different than what your spouse is accusing you of being, so you will live down to their expectations!
King David had such a wife. Her name was Michal the daughter of the former King named Saul. Listen to this passage in 2 Samuel 6.
2 Samuel 6:16, 20-23 - 16 As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.
20 When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!”
21 David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. 22 I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.”
23 And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.
Notice the heart issue here. Michal spoke from what was within her heart. What was in her heart? She despised her husband. So when David comes home full of joy because finally the ark of God had made it home and David is ready to celebrate with his family, David is met with harsh words.
I’m not sure what David and Michal’s relationship was like after that point, but verse 23 makes it sound like it was never close or intimate again. Michal had no children to the day of her death. There certainly could have some real separation that happened!
Parent Children Relationships
Another aspect where our unwholesome talk destroys relationships is with our children.
Ephesians 6:4 - 4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Have you ever teased your children? Maybe when they are young you tease them about their ears being big, or you play the favorite game where you pit the affections of one child to you over another. You know the hurt that comes from these types of, “harmless fun!” There really is nothing harmless or fun about it, is there. Many things we do as practical jokes to our children are nothing more than rotten speech that tears down and destroys the relationship between parents and children. We need to heed this passage in Ephesians and stop exasperating our children.
There are many other areas that we could look at today of relationships that are hurt and destroyed due to our rotten speech. Negativity at work, I can’t believe the direction the company is taking! The owner must not have a clue as to how to run a company! Or within the Church. Anytime we nag, we complain, we tease, we gossip, we slander, or intimidate others we are sinning. We have a good clue that we are involved in this type of sin because this type of speech is always destructive in nature, destroying healthy good relationships and turning what is good and healthy into what is rotten, disgusting and smelling.
We receive many warnings about the destructive nature of our words within scripture.
Proverbs 13:3 - 3 Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.
Proverbs 18:6-8 - 6 The lips of fools bring them strife, and their mouths invite a beating. 7 The mouths of fools are their undoing, and their lips are a snare to their very lives. 8 The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts.
Titus 3:9-11 - 9 But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. 10 Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. 11 You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.
God speaks harshly against those whose speech is unwholesome doesn’t he! But, the passage in Ephesians 4:29 does have a part b to the verse.
Words of Grace
Ephesians 4:29 - 29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.
Ephesians 4: 29 (NIV) - 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Naturally it seems we have no problem letting unwholesome talk out of our mouths which is decaying and destructive in nature and destroys relationships. But that is the former way of life in which we used to live and now as Christians we must change this attitude of our heart so that what comes out of our mouths is no longer destructive but rather constructive in nature.
As Christians the only words that should come out of our mouths is that which is helpful for building others up according to their needs. These words that we need to be speaking should only be words that will benefit those who are listening.
Constructive Criticism?
I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard many times people saying that constructive criticism is good. It is good except when it is directed towards you. Arthur, I don’t want you to take this wrong, but I have some constructive criticism I need to talk to you about. Then they proceed to blast you with all sorts of accusations much like what Michael did to her husband David.
The problem with constructive criticism is that it cannot exist! Constructive is to build up, criticism is to tear down. How does one build up and tear down all at the same time? It cannot exist. And we know it is true because when someone approaches us and wants to give us some constructive criticism we know from experience we are about to be blasted.
We Need to be People with Changed Hearts
Ephesians 4:29 tells us to not be people who tear down, but rather a people who build up. If we desire to change our attitudes so that what comes out of our mouths are always words that build up than we need to change our hearts.
1 Peter 3:8-9 - 8 Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. 9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
You see we need to be humble people. People who have God in his rightful place on the throne and when we have that done than we need to work on our attitudes towards other people. As Christians we need to be like minded, sympathetic, loving, and compassionate towards others that God has created. Even when someone is evil towards us, we do not have a right to return evil on them even in our words. We repay evil with blessing.
To accomplish this we need to see other people as God sees them.
2 Peter 3:8-9 - 8 But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
God is patiently waiting, because he loves every one of us and he desires a personal relationship with each one of us. He wants us all to come home.
Do we see others in this same light? Do we love as God has loved us? We need to start working on these attitudes of the heart. We will either be like David’s wife Michael and despise others within our heart and will end up with no control over our tongues, or we will work on our attitudes towards others and with God’s transforming work within our lives and we will learn to see people with the love and compassion of Christ himself.
May we become people with gracious speech. Next time you hear those harsh words coming out of your mouth may you catch yourself, apologize and then change your speech.
Imagine always having gracious speech that builds others up in their walk with God! What changes would you see in your marriage if you always talked good about your husband or wife? What changes would you see in your relationships with your children if you always used speech that built them up? What changes would you see in the Church?
God gives us a choice every day to be for him or against him. May we be sold out for Christ and start this day to commit our tongues to him. Let us this week be conscious about every word that is proceeding from our mouths and let our words be always full of grace, seasoned with salt.
Colossians 4:5-6 - 5 Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. 6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
