Sermon No. 05
February 9, 2014
Mabini, Tagum City
STAY LOVABLE
Psalms 17:8
Part I.
Greetings
Overview of the message
The message this afternoon is about staying lovable and attractive in the eyes of our spouses during the marriage union. Falling in love with our spouses is easy. The hard part, it seems, is staying in love, lovable and attractive in the midst of all the family concerns and pressures. What does the Word of God say about how we should treat our spouses? How can we stay lovable till death do us part? Our main verse today is found in Psalms 17:8: Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.
Prayer
Part II. Discussion
A. Romantic beginnings
You will agree with me that before we said “till death do us part” to our spouses, we passed through courtship first. Courtship is probably the most exciting and romantic moment of all. We could not understand our feelings; we are “kilig” to the bones; we day-dream; we could hardly wait to see each other; we are blooming and happy; we are blind. Song of Songs 5:2 says “I slept, but my heart was awake.” We too could hardly sleep at night imagining our lovers. The mystery of falling in love!
There are many ways to express our love and care. We give flowers; serenade; do household chores; write letters, songs and poems; send sweet text messages; pray and go to church together; date; and even promise the stars and moon. Nothing could stop us from following our hearts’ desires! As King Solomon says in Song of Songs 8:7: Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.”
During courtship, we put our best foot forward. We were very patient; good listener; compassionate and loving; we looked healthy and smelled good; protective and jealous; mindful of our words; grateful and apologetic; prayerful and attended church together regularly; and we sacrificed for love. We do almost everything to please our prince charming and princess!
According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, the “in love” experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other. We go to sleep thinking of one another. When we rise that person is the first thought on our minds. We long to be together. Spending time together is like playing in the anteroom of heaven. When we hold hands, it seems as if our blood flows together. The person “in love” has the illusion that his or her beloved is perfect. Our parents and friends can see the flaws but we can’t. A mother once said to her daughter: “Darling, have you considered he has been under psychiatric care for five years?” But she replies, “Oh mother, give me a break. He has been out for three weeks now.” Indeed, it is hard to believe anything else when you are in love.
B. Apple of the eye
Psalm 17: 8 paints a picture wherein King David was surrounded by his wicked and mortal enemies. He was in the midst of trials and persecutions as king of Israel. Under the weight of such burden and pressure he cried to God saying “Keep me as the apple of the eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.” The phrase “apple of the eye” refers to something or someone that one cherishes above all others; a most prized possession; a priority. It speaks primarily of endearment, care and protection as can be seen in Deuteronomy 32:10 says: “He found him in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye.”
The phrase “apple of the eye” conveys the value and importance that one perceives concerning someone or something. In effect, King David was saying: “Lord, continue to cherish and value me; continue to love, care and protect me; and continue to shower me with the wonder of your great love. Do not forsake or neglect me” When someone is the apple of the eye it means he or she is the focus and center of attraction.
King David knew that he was the apple of God’s eye. King David deserved it because he was a man of God’s own heart. He kept God’s laws and commandments despite the presence of his enemies, responsibilities as king of Israel. He kept pleasing God and making himself “lovable” in God’s sight.
In the context of marriage, we know that our spouse love us; but have we endeavored to be always lovable to our spouses and apple of their eyes – the focus and center of attraction? This is very important because the enemy is out there working 24 hours to destroy the institution of marriage and family by getting us, our spouses, and our children out of God’s love and love for one another. 1 Peter 5:8 reminds us to be watchful because the adversary prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour. Even if we think that our marriage is strong or we have overcome the latest trial, we must continue to be watchful since the enemy is just waiting for an opportune time.
God created marriage as a beautiful, living picture of Christ and the Church. Family is the fabric of a good solid society, the foundation of vibrant growing assemblies, and the future of God’s work on earth. If the enemy damages marriage and family, he would also damage what is dear to God’s heart. A happy and harmonious family is precious in God’s sight. He is the author of marriage.
After marriage
After the romantic moments of courtship comes marriage. Then for most of us romance starts to fade and reality begins to set in. What happened to love after marriage? Reality of life has pushed love to a corner. Instead of nurturing the romance and relationship; instead of journeying into deeper spiritual, emotional and physical oneness, we focused more on the chores and responsibilities. There is nothing wrong with doing our chores and responsibilities, but definitely something is missing when we just focus on them. Luke 10:38-42 shows us a scenario where Martha was distracted by all the preparations while her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet listening to him. Martha said Lord tell her to help me! The Lord answered: “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things but few things are needed – or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
There is no end to house chores and family responsibilities. But having a good relationship is way better and it cannot be taken. It is the love and good relationship between spouses that holds the family in times of trouble; that make the husband or wife stay through severe sickness, tremendous trials and persecutions. When Job’s wife said to him “curse God and die” in the midst of his affliction, it could be because there was no true love and good relationship between them.
C. Tools of the enemy to destroy marriage
Failed marriages leads to broken homes, not to mention the kids involved. Our enemy started destroying marriages way back in the Garden of Eden until now. Why is the enemy bent on destroying Christian marriages and families? Before we answer that, let us know first the three purposes of Christian marriage: 1) to reflect God’s image; 2) to reproduce children in God’s likeness; and 3) to reign in spiritual warfare.
Genesis 1:27 says: “So, God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Our husband and wife reflects God’s image. Genesis 1:28 says: “God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number…” We will then be producing children in God’s likeness as we are created in God’s likeness. Genesis 1:28 also says: “fill the earth and subdue it.” Thus, if Christian marriages will succeed a situation will arise wherein the earth will be filled and subdued with the image of God! Where will the enemy go when he had fallen already from heaven? Remember this, the enemy hates and envy the image of God that is why he is working overtime to ensure that the purpose of marriage will not prosper! My plea is that let us not cooperate with the enemy.
What are the tools of the enemy to destroy marriage? Here are some: (1) attacking finances – According to a Citibank survey, 57% of divorced couples cited money problems as the primary reason for the demise of their marriage. The issues involve communication around money, power struggle over who controls the money, sabotage by spending outside the budget, lack of self-worth around having a low net worth, fear of not having enough, setbacks, and lack of God’s provision; (2) communication breakdown – caused by failure to actively listen and understand, TV, cellphones, internet, friends, in-laws, busy schedule, disrespect, anger, cold/silent treatment; nagging and insensitivity; (3) temptations – the enemy waits for an opportune time (Luke 4:13); (4) deception – Trust is the foundation that holds a marriage up. When trust is gone, serious problems arise; and (5) complacency – Marital complacency is a kind of subtle because oftentimes the couple doesn’t realize that there was even a problem until the damage has been done. Another word for this is lukewarm.
D. Complacency in marriage
Let us focus on complacency in marriage. Complacency means a feeling of being satisfied with how things are and not wanting to try to make them better. It is a feeling of contentment or self-satisfaction, especially when coupled with an unawareness of danger, trouble or controversy. In Cebuano, “nagpasagad”. This is the most deceptive tool of the enemy as it appears little and insignificant but is a marriage termite! Most married people will just brush aside this issue because they assume that their partner knows how they feel about them. King Solomon says that it is the little foxes that ruin the vines. Thus, we must be aware and act on this.
Complacency may be caused by these mindsets: I’ve won him/her. He/she is mine already, so why must I continue to do all those things and work as hard as I did. He/she understands anyway; and familiarity. We stop or slow down from working to remain as the apple of the eye of our spouses. When we stop working to bless our spouses, problems begin to arise, cracks begin to form and the marriage relationship begins to break down. Due to frustrations we begin to close up and close one another off. We go from being soul-mates to being simply roommates who just live together. When life becomes boring, we look elsewhere for stimulus. Familiarity breeds contempt. Complacency is a trap. It is an invisible handcuff.
In what aspects of marriage are we complacent? We are complacent physically, emotionally and spiritually. Physically: (1) taking each other for granted; (2) neglecting to spend time together; (3) not appearing attractive; (4) decreased physical intimacy; (5) avoiding issues; (6) physical abuse; and (7) friendship gone. Emotionally: (1) verbal abuse; (2) unaffectionate; (3) cold treatment; (4) decreased words of love and affirmation; (5) ingratitude; and (6) infidelity. Spiritually: (1) not praying for each other or together; (2) not going to church as a family; (3) not staying away from temptations; (4) excuses; (5) not reading the bible; and (6) lukewarm.
E. Hope for change
No matter how old our marriage is we can change for the better! Lamentations 3:22-23 says: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. We can renew our marriage and rekindle our love for each other. Our marriage can soar on wings like eagles once again.
Part II: Stay lovable
When the church of Laodecia became complacent or lukewarm, God said be zealous and repent (Revelations 3:19). We can fight complacency in marriage by zealously staying lovable in the eyes of our spouses and by repenting for our sins for being so. Being “zealous” means a strong feeling of interest and enthusiasm that makes someone very eager or determined to do something. Despite the pressures of marriage and work, we need to show our partner how much we value them. To make marriage work, we need to be intentional about investing effort and energy into our marriage love bank or watch it crumble away before our very eyes.
There are many ways to be lovable. I will enumerate five ways: (1) cherish your wife; respect your husband – Proverbs 18:22 says “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” God said: husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25). Since our wives are gifts form the Lord, husbands are stewards of them. As stewards, we must be above reproach, not arrogant, quick tempered, drunkard, violent or greedy but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined (Titus 1:7). How are we, husbands, going to cherish our wives? We could (1) care for her; (2) cultivate consistent communication; (3) create romantic memories; (4) be her knight and prince charming; and (5) be the spiritual leader in the family. Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself (Ephesians 5:28). If we do not live with our wives in an understanding way and showing honor, our prayers will be hindered (1 Peter 3:7).
On the other hand, Ephesians 5:22 says: “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as you do to the Lord.” Submission refers to a wife’s calling to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts. It is not an absolute surrender of her will. Christ is her absolute authority, not the husband. Submission looks weak but in reality it is very strong – Jesus submitted to His Father. The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tear it down (Proverbs 14:1). Indeed, if there is no respect in the house there is no peace.
Respect is the husband’s core emotional need. Wives show respect by: (1) stop nagging – it is better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and fretful (upset and worried) woman (Proverbs 21:19). Be mindful of your tone of voice and expression, smile at him; (2) honor your husband in public – do not badmouth him; (3) acknowledge his value and work – speak words of compliments/affirmation; (4) attention – touches of affection, participating in project activities, genuinely listening; (5) be a queen – an excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones (Proverbs 12:4). Wives need not adorn with gold jewelry and wear fancy clothes. Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which in God’s sight is very precious. Holy women who hope in God adorn themselves by submitting to their own husbands (1 Peter 3:4-5).
(2) Treat each other like good friends – The hallmark of friendship is that each person validates and respects the other person’s feelings and needs. Validation means: what is important to you is important to me. It is a key way to make your spouse feel loved. Philippians 2:3 says: “Do nothing of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” The word “friendship” conjures thoughts of honesty, vulnerability, companionship and mutual respect. Do things together like painting, sailing, praying, and fighting shoulder to shoulder. Friends have quality communication. Observe the golden rule. Proverbs 18:24 says: a man of many companions may come to ruin but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Be that friend.
(3) Remember the four golden words: listen, compromise, repair, and gratitude – no matter how upset you are, never launch a verbal attack. Fighting with insults only makes problems worse and erodes the relationship. In your anger do not sin, do not let the sun go down while you are still angry (Ephesians 4:26). A little resentment can build a wall of bitterness. Be grateful, we cannot say “thank you” enough to our spouse.
(4) Establish strong boundaries – spouse is number one priority not your parents, relatives, friends, children, work or hobbies. Meet spouse’s needs before others.
(5) Pray together and love unconditionally – come before the Lord as one and love, accept each other as God intended to be. We cannot change our spouses so let God do it by praying without ceasing.
Part III. Conclusion
What is the condition of your marriage? Are we still lovable, an apple of the eye of our spouses? Find your spouse’s love language and work on it. Our being busy, pre-occupied and tired because of work, family issues and commitments is NEVER an excuse not to be lovable. Complacency starts there. We cannot say to our spouse “keep me as the apple of your eye” if we are not one in the first place. Work on our marriages before it is too late.
Our spouses are not the enemy. We are blindfolded. Ephesians 6:12 says: For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, authorities, cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Thus, put on the armor of God, that we may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil (Ephesians 6:11).
When we are complacent in marriage, we can also be complacent in our relationship with God. That is the enemy’s goal. Pray for your spouse and children. When our marriage is attacked by the enemy, we can hide under the shadow of God’s wings.
Resources:
1. Israel: The Apple of God's Eye, jewfishawareness.com
2. wikianswers.com
3. Satan's Attack on the family by Bryan Joyce
4. God's Three Purposes for Marriage, by Don & Sally Meridith
5. myfinancialawareness.com
6. Deception destroys trust in marriage by Dr. David, crosswalk.com
7. Common Marriage Problems Part One: Complacency by Mike Tucker
8. Meriamwebster.com
9. Thefreedictionary.com
10. One of the biggest mistakes couples make in their marriage by Trey Morgan
11. Complacency, the death knell of relationships by Tony DeLorger
12. Infinte Complacency: Invisible handcuffs by Jonny Jacobsen
13. C.S. Lewis
14.
