Relationships 101 – Dating, Is it Biblical? December 1, 2013
Chuck Brooks, Pastor-Teacher, GraceWay Church
Today we are going to be talking about dating. The Scripture teaches the purposes of God for companionship and procreation are accomplished in marriage. But it also teaches that there are advantages to remaining single.
Advantages of Being Single
Some see singleness as the opportunity to experience all the romance they want without any long-term commitment. But as Christians we must look at the advantages of being single from a Christ-honoring perspective.
In Paul’s letter to the Corinthian church, chapter seven, Paul writes to answer some questions that were sent to him from the believers in this city.
Rome was steeped in immorality. “Worship” that occurred in the Temple of the Goddess Diana was sexual relations with temple prostitutes. Homosexuality and male prostitution were common. Plato had high praise for homosexual love in is writing The Symposium (181B). Nero, emperor at the time Paul wrote this letter, was about to marry a boy named Sporus. 14 of the first 15 Roman emperors were homosexual or bisexual.
The sin of the city of Rome began to seep into the church at Corinth. The letter of 1st Corinthians is Paul’s attempt to answer questions sent to him concerning the sin and misconduct occurring in the church.
Because of the extent of sexual sin the Corinthian church, in chapter seven Paul answers a question sent to him, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman?”
Paul’s answer is, “Yes” and “No.” He answers “Yes” because it’s clear from Scripture that celibacy was ok (vv. 1, 7, 8, 9, 27, 38). But he answered “No” because it is just as clear that marriage was honorable (vv. 2, 27, 28).
To Paul, marriage served as a distraction for anyone who wanted (like him) to serve the Lord wholeheartedly and without this distraction.
1 Cor 7:32-35, “But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord; how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world; how he may please his wife.
There is a difference between a wife and an unmarried woman. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world; how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction.”
Paul was saying that if you remain single you could serve the Lord with few distractions—you could go preach and teach and witness and live off the Gospel. But if you had a wife you would have a “honey do” list—if you had a husband and children you would have a house to maintain, mouths to feed, clothes to wash. So Paul says, “Stay single!!! Serve the Lord without distraction!!!” (1 Cor. 7:27)
But Paul also knew that there would be some who wanted to serve the Lord without distraction but had not the ability to subdue the desires of the body for physical intimacy. These desires coupled with the world’s immorality would surely set these people up for a fall into sexual sin. So Paul writes:
“But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Cor 7:8-9)
With that being said, if you are among those who have a desire to serve the Lord wholeheartedly but also have a desire to marry? What do you do? You get married.
How do you go about finding a wife or a husband? Many have found that this is not an easy thing to do. Some of you may remember a song with the following words :
When I became of age my mother called me to her side.
She said ‘son you’re growing up now, pretty soon you’ll take a bride’...
And then she said... ‘Just because you’ve become a young man now
There’s still some things that you don’t understand now
Before you ask some girl for her hand now;
Keep your freedom for as long as you can now’
My mama told me...’you better shop around’
‘There’s some things that I want you to know now;
A just as sure as the winds gonna blow now
The women come and the women gonna go now;
Before you tell ‘em that you love ‘em so now
My mama told me...’you better shop around’
‘A-gotta get yourself a bargain song; Don’t be sold on the very first one
A-pretty girls come a dime a dozen; A-try to find one who’s gonna give ya true lovin’
‘Before you take a girl and say I do now; A make sure she’s in love with-a you now’
I’d hate to see you feelin’ sad and blue now’;
My mama told me (You better shop around)
Smokey’s mama had some good advice for her son. But don’t get her wrong. When she says, “You better shop around” she wasn’t advising her son to “play the field” or to go trolling as so many are doing today. She was not counseling her son to jump in the sack and rob the virtue of as many women as possible.
She was instructing her son to do three things:
1. Don’t trivialize and waste those three important words, “I love you.”
2. Don’t “pop the question” unless you’re sure she is the woman you want to spend your life with.
3. Make sure that this woman loves and is committed to you before you say, “I do.”
Today there are more ways to “shop around” than ever before in the history of mankind. The “personals” section in the newspaper; Internet chat rooms and websites. Match.com, eHarmony, Christian Mingle, Facebook and Craigslist.
Each of these “shopping sprees” is used to produce or facilitate what we call the date.
The Date
The dictionary defines a date as “a romantic appointment; a social or romantic engagement with a person.” Another definition is, “Any planned event involving a shared activity between a man and a woman" - one person asks the other to share in an activity, and a pairing occurs.
Dating always implies some kind of romantic interest, and both parties know this even if the date is a telephone call, Internet chat, having lunch or going to a church meeting or even to a Bible study.
Most dates do not lead to marriage—they lead to a whole lot of other things but not to marriage.
Is dating morally neutral?
Is dating morally neutral? Is it just a cultural expression—the innocent activity that occurs when boy meets girl or is it a product of "the evil world system?"
One way to answer this question is by comparing the present cultural norm of dating, with the one that prevailed in western civilization up until the early part of the last century.
In earlier times, courtship was the norm rather than dating. Courtship included strict supervision and protection of the daughter. It was built on the idea of two families coming together, and the focus was on the father's role in establishing a new family, hence the question in the marriage ceremony, "Who gives this woman away?"
In our day, dating arrangements are made entirely by young people apart from their parent’s involvement. The date is planned by young people with an expectation of physical intimacy. The couple knows that intimacy is going to happen; all that is not known is the measure, or the regularity of physical intimacy.
Our young women are left very vulnerable. Without her father's protection, she alone must determine how far she and the boy goes, and that determination is most often made in the heat of the moment. Furthermore, there is no commitment beyond the next date. The focus is on the “now” and immediate, mutual gratification. Most of the time there is sex with no commitment.
In our culture, absolute standards of what constitutes moral behavior are rapidly fading.
Would you agree that it is very unlikely that a girl will get pregnant if she does not go on a date? But dating has radically transformed the nature of sexuality.
• In the US more than one million teenagers get pregnant annually.
• 40% end in abortion; 13% in a miscarriage.
• One of every two babies born in the U.S. are on food stamps.
• 90% of males and 80% of females are sexually active by the age of eighteen years.
• One in five girls will be date- raped, but only 5% report it.
• 50% of teenagers think it is OK to force sex.
Dating has radically transformed the nature of sexuality. With this in mind, let me share with you seven points about dating.
1.) Dating is in direct contradiction to the Scriptures, that admonish us to "flee youthful lusts" and to "flee fornication." (Eph 4:22; 2 Tim 2:22; 1Cor 6:18)
The word "flee" is not just telling us to stay away from sexual intercourse; it means to stay away as far as possible from the kind of activity that will lead to it.
Fornication (sex outside of marriage) is an expression of lust not love. It seeks self-satisfaction apart from the responsibilities of marriage. It is not love (Rom 13: 8-10). It is robbing!
• It robs a woman of her virginity.
• It robs the man or the woman of the inheritance of an unspoiled wife or husband.
• It robs the institution of the family of an untainted, legitimate foundation.
1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 – “Finally then, brethren, we urge and exhort in the Lord Jesus that you should abound more and more, just as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God; for you know what commandments we gave you through the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.”
In verse 6 Paul uses the word “defraud.” This word means “to cheat.”
God designed the human body for sex and a sexual release that is lawful only in marriage. Dating quite often brings the body and the emotions to a cliffhanger and then abandons them—thus the need for the “cold shower.” These pent up needs for release often lead to frustration and even depression.
1 Corinthians 7:1 says “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” Today, even among Christians who seek to practice abstinence, there is naïve thinking.
It is naïve to think that an invitation to a Bible study has no romantic connotations.
It is naïve to think that any form of male/female touching is not sexual.
The Scripture teaches that a "touch" is sexual. (1Cor 7:1; Gen 20:4,6; Prov 6:29).
Remember when in Genesis 20, the fearful Abraham said to King Abimelech that Sarah was his sister? Abimelech saw that Sarah was beautiful and thus took her into his harem. But God came to Abimelech at night in a dream, and said to him, "You’re a dead man because of the woman whom you have taken, for she is a man's wife."
Abimelech responded saying, "Lord, will You slay a righteous nation also? "Abraham said to me, 'She is my sister'? And Sarah herself said, 'He is my brother.' In the integrity of my heart and innocence of my hands I have done this." So God said to him, "Yes, I know that you did this in the integrity of your heart. For I also withheld you from sinning against Me; therefore I did not let you touch her.”
Abimelech had not come near her; he had not touched her sexually or even romantically.
This lets us know that God frowns on romantic “touches” outside of marriage. Proverbs 6:28-29 - “Can one walk on hot coals, And his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; Whoever touches her shall not be innocent.”
It is good for a man not to touch a woman who is not his wife.
Let me say something that will most certainly sound chauvinistic: It is naive to think that a woman is able to make decisions limiting sexual activity when there is no accountability.
But when you think about it, the high frequency of date rape proves that it’s impossible for a woman to guarantee she can say no and get the young man to back off when she and her date have been pawing one another for the last hour. You get some guys to the point where they won’t accept “no” for an answer.
Dating is in direct contradiction with the Scriptures that admonish us to flee youthful lusts
2.) Dating ignores the biological facts of human sexuality.
Sexual desires are not designed to be started and stopped over and over again! It is also foolish to think that it is all a matter of self-control.
What is self-control: stopping after one kiss, or two, or four, or five?
What is the “time limit” of a "kissing session" that says you are still in control?
Who's going to time it?
It is interesting that at the end of the marriage ceremony the preacher says, “You may now kiss the bride!” This statement seems to assume that the groom has never kissed the woman before that day.
Self-control means refraining from sexual touch of any kind, at least until there is a covenantal engagement. We will talk about what that means at another time.
3.) Dating tends to abuse and misuse what doesn’t belong to you.
Quite often the baggage that remains from painful dating relationships must be dealt with by the person who takes your leftovers as their wife or husband.
Virginity is not just refraining from sexual activity before marriage, but bringing an inheritance into a marriage by the presentation of a pure body. You are giving your future wife or husband your holiness and purity.
You are giving your future wife or husband an inheritance of passion all stored up and reserved just for them, and an inheritance of security in a partner with a proven track record of faithfulness and self-control.
The person who marries an “unspoiled” wife or husband doesn’t have to grapple with thoughts of insecurity. “Do I please you?” “Do I satisfy you?” “Am I the best…?”
4.) Dating is the starting place for destroying relationships
Dating creates relationships built on insecurity. There is no commitment by either party to continue beyond the first date, and there may be others they would consider dating if given the opportunity. They both know that.
As we said earlier, the main purpose of dating is to try out as many partners as possible in the process of looking for the perfect one. With each “hook up” there is a break up.
Breaking up is as common as dating itself. There are more songs written about breaking up than hooking up.
5.) Dating becomes a preparation for handling divorce, not a preparation for building a permanent marriage.
Some teach that dating helps one to determine the kind of person best suited for them. “Try before you buy” they say. But the Bible teaches that we were designed for sexual involvement with one partner.
Dating gets one used to the idea of rejecting and being rejected in the search for the perfect relationship. The more dates you have, the more the boundaries become blurred. Rejection becomes a way of life, and saying "I love you'' becomes meaningless. It becomes no more than saying, "At this moment in time, I find you attractive."
We learn to break covenant at a whim; we learn to follow and obey our emotions and desires. If it doesn't work out, we can simply break it off. It provides no training or discipline for having to work it out for the long haul.
Dating is training your son or daughter, at an early age, how to divorce.
6.) Dating builds insecurity into relationships.
It can be observed that the Samaritan woman who met Jesus at the well in John 4...in having five failed marriages she had been burned five times.
Imagine a marriage without scars of rejection to overcome, with a spouse you can trust, because you have not been hurt earlier by partners who were unfaithful.
The website BreakUpWithYourEx.com took a poll and found that former relationships influence people more than they think.
• 71% of people say they think about their ex too much. For singles the figure goes up to 81%.
• More than half (57%) of singles say thinking about their ex prevents them from finding new love.
But it's not just singles—married folks are obsessed with their ex’s as well:
• Almost two-thirds of married people (60%) agree that their ex is on their mind too often, and 36% say their attachment to their ex interferes with their marriage.
• 74% of women and 64% of men think about their ex too much
• 76% of women and 70% of men have looked up an ex on the internet
• 50% of women and 40% of men say they look at their ex's Facebook or other online profile too often.
Imagine a marriage without having a former partner’s words of affection and affirmation in your mind and heart or that of your spouse.
Imagine a marriage without the haunting comparisons of a former partner with the spouse that God has given you.
Imagine having no pornographic images from prior sexual relationships to compete with the uniqueness of your spouse's attempts to please you sexually.
Imagine not having a former lover your present spouse had to be concerned about. Singer-songwriter Adele performs a song that communicates the haunting effect a former lover can have on a present relationship.
"Someone Like You"
I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
7.) Dating prevents the building of friendships
The antidote to loneliness is fellowship, not dating. The real need is for friendship, not sex. When you date there is the selectiveness of romantic relationships that prevent the building of friendships.
Many seek to fill their lives with romance to ward off loneliness and what they really need are some good friends; some real, true-blue, genuinely authentic friends. Proverbs 18:24 says, “A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
• Dating substitutes sensual feelings for friendship
• Dating substitutes passion for honor and respect
• Dating substitutes our pleasure for God’s business
When you date, you begin to prematurely bond with a person at a sensual level. Dating produces a rapidly developing passion for someone. This passion and the resulting pleasure you receive through sensual contact and sexual activity, fogs your objectivity.
You don’t really know this person but you have feelings for the person because he or she has brought you pleasure—I think this is what Paul was communicating in 1 Corinthians 6:16: "And don't you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, "The two are united into one.""
When you date, you're bonding with a person at a sensual level and it's not friendship that keeps your interest in her, it’s your hormones—something happened when she kissed you—you can’t get her out of your mind.
The shallowness of the dating relationship is captured in the words of a song called Natural High.
Why do I keep my mind on you all the time;
And I don't even know you.
Why do I feel this way, Thinking about you every day;
And I don't even know you.
Take me in your arms, Thrill me with all of your charms...
And I'll take to the sky on a natural high, Loving you more 'till the day I die
Take to the sky on a natural high, Loving you more.
I'm gonna try to do, All the things you want me to; If you'll just give me a chance,
I'm trying to make something out of a nothing romance; And I don't even know you
Dating exploits attraction and moves the relationship to the point of emotional and physical intimacy before the couple even knows one another. An exaggeration of this kind of thing is seen in a comedy routine where a couple ends up in bed and after sex they introduce themselves to one another.
The book of the Song of Solomon tells us something different, saying, “I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes and by the hinds of the fields, that you stir not up nor awake love until it please.” (3:5 and 8:4)
This means: ‘Do not stir up or awaken love until it is the right time, until it is the pleasing time, until it is the right time for it to happen’. We are not to awaken, we are not to arouse, and we are not to stir up the desires of love until it is the right time.
• Dating is in direct contradiction with the Scriptures that admonish us to flee youthful lusts
• Dating ignores the biological facts of human sexuality
• Dating tends to abuse and misuse what doesn’t belong to you
• Dating is the starting place for destroying relationships
• Dating becomes a preparation for handling divorce, not a preparation for building a permanent marriage.
• Dating builds insecurity into relationships.
• Dating prevents the building of friendships
So what is the alternative to dating?
The alternative to dating is not courtship. Courtship is not the alternative to dating.
In some Christian circles the concept of courtship has changed from its original intent. The danger of dating has been taught, so there has been an attempt to take the risk out of dating by encouraging young people to go out in groups or to “double-date.”
I believe in the principals communicated in courtship, but courting is what a man and woman do in preparation for marriage. Courting is not what Christian teenagers and young adults do instead of dating.
God is the Creator. He is the Architect of marriage. Why depend on a dating personality profile when God knows what it takes to find the love of your life.
Are you tired of trying to find Mr. or Ms. Right? Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-29, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
If you are committed to Jesus and His Word and He sends you someone who likewise is committed to Jesus and His Word, your marriage will last a lifetime. It starts with a relationship with Jesus Christ and a commitment to the Word of God.
