February 16, 2014 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
3 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to obtain his vessel in a way that is holy and honorable, 5 not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; 6 and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. 7 For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. 8 Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
God’s Type of Romance
I. Is bought through the loving sacrifice of Christ
We just finished with Valentine’s Day on Friday, and along with it comes all of the goofy ideas of cupid and romance; the idea that love can be won by a little chubby angel flying by and shooting an arrow through the heart. It is this idea that has infected our society’s view of love; that love is just something you fall into like a drunk falls into an open manhole. You have control over it. It just happens, and there’s nothing you can really do to stop it or control it. But that’s not how God’s Word speaks in today’s text.
It is God’s will that you should be sanctified. ἁγιασμός is the word in the Greek. It is used when something is set aside for service to God; kind of like how Air Force One is designed specifically for the President. Paul compared the human to a clay vessel (2 Corinthians 4:7); a weak and empty thing; that is filled with the Holy Spirit and made strong; set aside and purchased for God’s glory.
God also used a special vessel to save the world by entering into humanity and taking on human body and blood for a special purpose; to be crucified for our sins. You would expect this Godly vessel to be especially brilliant and beautiful, but Isaiah says that He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him. Jesus wasn’t some sort of Arnold Schwarzenegger type of a guy; with bulging muscles and a fantastic smile. He didn’t attract us to Him by complimenting us; but by condemning our behavior. The most attractive thing He did for us is on the cross; which revealed our worst ugliness. He used our own ugliness and our sinful acts to save us with real physical things; body and blood; suffering and death. These are the things that attract us to Him the most! We hang His death on our walls and around our necks. It’s His ugly weaknesses that show us His love and mercy and forgiveness.
We learn through the Word to seek God in the vessels that He chooses; such as baptism and the Lord’s Supper. These are the things we love! He really gives us His body and blood under the bread and wine. Through real water the actual Holy Spirit gushes forth into our souls. This is what ἁγιασμός is all about. God purchases your vessel, moves into your vessel, and then uses your vessel of a body to show forth His glory.
All of this is meant to affect the way we treat our bodies and the way we approach the most intimate and physical of relationships on earth; who we decide to marry and have sexual relationships with. These choices have big consequences for the growth or death of the church. If we get this wrong, then many things go wrong after that. Quite frankly, it has to be one of the main reasons why the church is dying as much as it is. If you don’t enter into a relationship with Godly type of romance; everything will easily be skewed after that.
II. The devilish model - using the emotion of desire
The devilish model for establishing relationships is to get you to have an unhealthy focus on things that shouldn’t really be of great importance. Samson was attracted to the beauty of Delilah without regarding her spiritual heritage. The book of Proverbs compared that to looking at a gold ring in a pig’s snout. It also notes the tactics of an adulterous woman in chapter 7 - note throughout what she attracts him with -
She took hold of him and kissed him and with a brazen face she said: (sexual attraction)
14 “Today I fulfilled my vows, and I have food from my fellowship offering at home. (food!)
15 So I came out to meet you; I looked for you and have found you! (feeling of being specially wanted and sought!)
16 I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. (luxury and comfort)
17 I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon. (scent!)
18 Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love! (sexual gratification)
19 My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey. (no consequences - no commitment)
20 He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon.”
21 With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk.
22 All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose
23 till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life.
Instant gratification without consequences is the devil’s tool. Love without commitment. This is how temptations comes. Give them whatever they want; whenever they want; now. If it feels good, it can’t be wrong!
Paul refers to this as using the “emotion of desire” - translated in the NIV as “passionate lust.” The word is ἐπιθυμία, it means to greatly desire to do or have something - it means to have a violent movement within. You try to appeal to that and satisfy it in order to “obtain your vessel.” It’s more or less the Valentine’s Day model. Get them a rose and some chocolate - or a diamond ring - and all will be yours!
Again, think about how this is the exact opposite of how God deals with us. With all of this honesty He tells us what we need to hear; how we are helpless sinners who deserve death and need to be rescued from our sinful desires. He doesn’t show us His glory. He shows us His weak and marred Son dying on the cross and says, “Here. This is what you need. This is for you.” He makes the sacrifice that He knows we need; ugly as it may be; for our own good; in order that He can have an eternal relationship with us. He brings us to believe that this “ugly” God is actually “lovely”; so that we believe in what His Son did for us. This is how His Holy Spirit miraculously attracts us to Him. This is how He miraculously makes us holy - in Christ alone. This is why we love Him as we do. This is how God wants us to love.
There are things that war against this kind of love; that are not real love at all. Paul told the Thessalonians and he tells us that it is God’s will for us to avoid sexual immorality - porneia. It is the word for sexual relationships outside of the marriage bond; and yes - it is where we get the word for pornography from. 68% of young men and 18% of young women use it at least once a week. 56% of divorces stem from problems with pornography. Pornography actually stimulates the human brain like a drug - so that viewing it super stimulates the brain; so much so that it can become impossible to satisfy in a normal human relationship. People don’t receive the high that they do from the porn.
A similar thing can happen with those who have relationships outside of the marriage bond. The sexual relationship is attached to guilt and the excitement that it brings. So if there is no guilt in the marriage bond; then the “fulfillment” is sought elsewhere; because guilt is associated with love.
Yet from day one our children and adults are being taught by movies, shows and music to focus on the golden ring, no matter what kind of a snout it is in. So what happens? You have two hormone filled teenagers who are attracted to each other go out on a date alone; then you pray to God they do what they know is right; that God gives them the strength to exercise self control. You have grown adults who find a guy or gal on the internet who looks really good to you; send them a text on an instant message; and away we go. Maybe some way along the way we’ll bring God along in the process. Maybe we won’t. This is crazy. There’s got to be a better way.
I had an Indian man in my Kansas congregation in India who turned 30, and his family was pressuring him to get married. So he let his Christian aunt find him a Christian wife. He was introduced to her, and he talked to her on the phone plenty from America. . . saw maybe 3 pictures of her. He went to India once to meet her; received permission from her father, then agreed to marry her. I thought, “that’s crazy.” But then I think, how much better is our model working?
III. The devilish model part 2 - cutting corners and taking advantage of others
Paul also warns that “in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.” Again, the way this is written in the Greek seems to have certain flavors to it. The word for “wrong” means to “go beyond the limits.” The word for “take advantage” means to exploit someone in greed. So in the whole matter of obtaining a spouse, Paul seems to be telling his fellow Christians - first of all - don’t go beyond the limits of God’s Word on this. Don’t think that you have to cut corners in order to get a spouse.
The applications would seem to be obvious. The sexual relationship is supposed to be an expression of love between two people who are already committed and bound together for life; who trust each other. It is not meant to try and impress someone so that they will love you; nor is it to simply be an avenue to release aggression on another person. Nor is it meant to establish trust. Yet how easy it is for a young Christian woman to think that she has to give in to a man’s advances - otherwise he won’t want her and won’t stick around. The reality is he won’t commit himself to you if you do give into his advances. Why should he if he doesn’t have to? It doesn’t work to cut corners.
Even though David had more than one wife; in greed he took advantage of the fact that Uriah was gone fighting for his army; he called Bathsheba to himself while she had no one to defend her. Delilah used Samson’s love as a means by which to exploit his weakness and give away his secret of strength. A young man can promise a pretty girl the moon; tell her how much he loves her and wants to be with her; tell her everything she wants to hear; just to get her to give in to him. That’s taking advantage of her desire to be accepted and admired. It is an exploitation.
Even within the realm of Christianity a man can act like a super Christian and treat a fellow Christian like a queen; only to get her to marry him so he can treat her like a slave. Another can promise to join the church and be faithful only to prove to be a liar once married. These methods are neither holy nor honorable when you act like someone you’re not only to get someone to marry you. If you fear someone won’t want to marry you if they know the real you, then isn’t that being deceitful? Is that an honorable way to establish a relationship?
When I was in high school I went with my friend to his cousin’s house. He had a four wheeler that he was driving around. I had never driven anything like that, and they asked me if I wanted to ride. I couldn’t wait to get on that thing and drive. He was trying to tell me how to use the clutch and shift; but I wasn’t listening worth a hoot. I got on that thing and rode it up the hill in first gear; winding it out for all it was worth. Finally, I remembered to shift; drove over the hill and into the woods. I was told to stay on the path, but that was too boring. I was going to go for broke. So I went into the woods. The path twisted one way and another; and before I knew it I met a sharp curve that I couldn’t manage since I didn’t remember where the brakes were - went over a little lift and SPLASH - right into the pond. With all of my might I drug it out, then embarrassingly walked back. I was in such a hurry to ride the four wheeler that I didn’t pay attention to the directions and made a fool of myself. My friend still reminds me of that to this day. I’ll never live it down.
I can laugh about that, but when you rush into a relationship; cut corners; don’t take the steps to get to know each other in the right way; exploit others to satisfy your own desires; how can you expect God to bless such a relationship? If you don’t want to stop and put together your vehicle of marriage according to the instructions, how do you expect the car to run right?
Paul warned that the Lord punishes us for such sins. There are results to sin. Samson lost his strength. David and Bathsheba lost their child. Some who were so excited about Christ end up disillusioned because their Christian spouse who was supposed to be strong in the faith didn’t treat them with love and forgiveness. They leave the church; reject Christ; and worse of all they end up being punished eternally. Others selfishly reject the parameters set by God and despise correction. These sins harden the conscience and the heart and drive the believer from faith. The family unit that is supposed to grow in love and in Christ has become more and more rare; and churches are hurting because of it. That’s the saddest point of all. God wants His Epiphany of love to be emulated through marriage; He wants His committed and sacrificial love to be seen in couples that stick together in forgiveness and mercy so that others will be attracted to His kind of love; so that their children see what a blessing it can be to be bound in Christ, but it isn’t happening; and generations of children are falling away from Christ. All of this starts with the way we enter relationships in the first place.
IV. Tries to reflect Christ instead
What if your relationship started out wrong and its been a mess ever since? What if you’ve already been divorced? Go back to Christ, the most faithful Groom of them all! Isn’t that why all of us are here? We know that we’ve failed him time and again in the way we’ve treated those we are supposed to love. The whole message of the Bible revolves around the most miraculous marriage of all; the one that never fails us. The Holy God took on flesh and decided to marry the most filthy prostitute of all; us sinners! He made the ultimate sacrifice on the cross and provided us with a beautiful gown of righteousness to cover our filth. He sees how we fail in His kind of love every day; and He would have a right to divorce every one of us every day; but He doesn’t. This dedicated love is what keeps us going; it’s what keeps us here! It’s what makes us want to keep repenting; keep trying. If you’re kicking yourself over relationships; then stop kicking and start clinging to Christ now more than ever. If you have opportunity to reestablish a relationship that you’ve broken then do it. Otherwise, pray to God to move on and learn from your mistakes and keep clinging to His mercy.
Isn’t that all David could do after he messed up with Bathsheba? He had to live with the lifelong embarrassment of what he’d done to Uriah and to her. Their first child died. Uriah was dead. What could David do? All He could do was cling to God’s forgiving mercy and ask for strength to keep living. David endured the pain and suffering and embarrassment of the results of his sin. He never made the same mistake again. Listen to his Psalms, and see how David lived in a humble and repentant faith in the coming Savior. God even mercifully gave he and Bathsheba another child; the next King; a wise man by the name of Solomon. So David ended up in heaven through faith; not by his works. In spite of his sin, God brought him to the marriage feast of heaven.
What God wants from all of us is we should be sanctified. He doesn’t want us to keep making the same mistakes and committing the same sins. Wouldn’t it make sense to involve the parents in the process; to ask for the approval of both sets of parents? Wouldn’t it make sense to ask the parents for what their child needs most - what kind of sacrifices will need to be made? Wouldn’t it be smart to avoid web sites where you are exposed to someone who you know does not have honorable motives; where you could be easily duped by false representations? Wouldn’t it be wise to lay the parameters of the process out in front - for a young woman to say to a young man, “If you try to touch me in an inappropriate way, this relationship is over.” Wouldn’t it be smarter to invite someone you are interested in to church at the beginning of the relationship and figure out if that is going to work out first, so you both can be on the same page?
We live in a day and age where people still think that love and relationships are all about romance and sexual attraction. Ask those who’ve been through long marriages about love. When you’re young it might be the smile or the figure of your spouse that attracts you the most. But then when you mature your attractions do too. A man sees the sacrifices that his wife made to bear them children; he admires all the more the body that has been through the ringer. The wrinkles and the grey hair are all the more attractive when you appreciate what your spouse has gone through and how you caused them; how he or she stuck with you and loved you through it all. That means a thousand times more than wide or thin someone is; or whether their hair is just right or not. As a woman matures she would much rather have a man who is soft and gentle with her in a Christ like way - than the young man who won the state championship in high school. If we could train people to look for these things; I can’t help but think we’d make better decisions to the glory of His name.
When we celebrate Valentine’s Day we tend to buy people flowers or chocolates with a few bucks. God did much more. He bought your body and soul with His Son’s bloody death on the cross. When God purchases something, He doesn’t do it just to put it on a shelf to look at it. God wants you to be sanctified; a special vessel set aside for His purpose; especially in the way you establish relationships. What you do with your body matters to Him. Is it attractive to Christ? Can it attract others to Christ? This is the kind of Romance God Wants. Amen.
