A House Divided
Intro: 6:30 PM, Monday evening. husband headed home after long Monday at work. Traffic heavy, he's running late. doesn't watch the clock -- just glad the workday is over no matter what time it is. boss was a bear today. secretary was in a foul mood; just learned that he may be w/o a job in 6 months because of corporate downsizing. turns down the street and heads for home; all he wants is to prop his feet up and relax for 10 min. walks up the driveway, in the house he hears his 2 children screaming and crying. "Leave me alone!" "Give it back!" opens the front door; is met with puff of low lying haze; supper has been sacrificed to the oven gods. steps in the front door. In his mind his wife and children were going to meet him there with hugs and kisses to welcome him home from a hard day. Instead, wife meets him with a barrage of questions, "Where have you been? Did you remember to stop for milk on the way home like I asked you? Did you forget about your son's game tonight? We have to leave in 15 minutes and I just burnt supper!"
You can imagine the rest of the evening. The husband has carried a can full of emotional garbage home from a terrible day at work. "No I didn't remember the milk, I was too busy trying to bring home a paycheck." From there the night just gets worse. She's upset that he doesn't appreciate what happens at home; he's mad that home is filled with conflict just like the office. kids are upset that Mom and Dad are upset. night ends with the children in bed and the arguing becomes worse as 2 people each try to justify their feelings and anger. They're in the same bed, but they might as well be in different universes. He thinks he's henpecked; she feels unappreciated. Sound familiar?
I'm convinced, along with most men surveyed, that home needs to be a haven, a safe house from the rest of the world. But for too many families it's the hottest battlefront. I want to take some of the obvious principles of Scripture this morning and apply them to making our homes the haven they should be. Conflict will happen, but how we deal with it makes a difference.
One thing you'll see quickly is that the Bible is as up-to-date as any new marriage seminar or therapist. Don't be shocked by that. The Bible gives good advice because it's God's advice!
I'm well aware that what I am going to share today will fall short of the help that some here today may be in need of when it comes to conflict in your homes. Not everyone who hears this message will have a partner who shares your enthusiasm to solve the conflict in your home. However, I want to point out to you that you can't change someone else, whoever it is. If you have a wife who's obstinate or a husband who blows his stack, this message isn't about how you can change that person. If you listen today and say to yourself, "Tell him, Sherm, he really needs to hear this" or "That's right, Sherm, you hit her right between the eyes," then you haven't heard this message.
This is about you; and me. It's about changes you and I can make in our own life to improve our relationship and our home -- and everywhere else for that matter. In fact, before anyone who is a family of one writes this off this morning, I especially want for you people to listen to this in the context of this place and these people seated right around you this morning ¡V your church family.
-I think you'll also see that these principles of conflict apply in every facet of life. Home is the first place. More than anywhere else, our families need to be the place where we put godly principles into place for handling conflict. The 2nd in line is the Family of God, then somewhere after that comes work, school and our other areas of relationship with others. It's impossible to talk about our homes or our Church family without recognizing the effect one has on the other.
So, take your bulletins, and open them to the ¡§Sermon Notes¡¨ section. I want you to list these 8 biblical principles as we go through this morning's message -- you'll need them at the end.
1. Don't Expect Perfection
-Don't expect perfection in others. Your family isn't perfect - after all, you're in it!
-Rom. 15:1 ƒ² "We who are strong ought to bear the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves"
-We don't live in a perfect world so we have to be realistic enough to realize our family members won't always measure up to our expectations. In fact, sometimes they may fall miserably short of what we hope they'll be. Get used to disappointment.
-Part of the commitment to love others is accepting their shortcomings. The key to living with them is to remember God has accepted us, warts and all. We should do the same in our home. That¡¦s how living under God¡¦s grace works ¡V we learn to extend it to others.
2. See the Big Picture
-Prov. 14:17 ƒ² "A quick-tempered man does foolish things"
-We can be so quick to narrow our focus. Little things come up, and we forget the big picture.
-Ill - It's like the insurance claim turned in by a guy who was trying to justify his accident because he was swatting at a fly in the car. We can forget the big picture of relationships and commitment and trust and love that we need to see. What argument is worth winning while it destroys your marriage or damages your kid?
-Ill - I have watched marriages nearly thrown away over worthless things, like a piece of paper filled with tobacco. There's no annoying habit worth shattering love and trust with your spouse. There's no annoying habit worth hanging onto that deserves to be placed above a lifetime covenant and vow before God.
-I find the same to be true in the family of God. People's focus can get narrow, and they fail to remember or see all that's going on around them.
-Ill - Forgetting the big picture isn't much different from the folly of nuclear war. "So what if both our countries are blown to bits. At least our missiles landed first!" Some victory!
-When you have a conflict in your home, remember, you're building a relationship and a home, not just an argument. See the big picture
3. Listen Carefully
-Jm 1:19 ƒ² "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listenƒÉ"
-I've mentioned that men and women are different. We don't communicate the same way, nor do we wish to have communicated to us all of the same things
-Wives, listen to what he is thinking; Husbands, listen to what she is feeling. Listen. Don't jump to conclusions about what the other person is thinking or feeling. Let him/her express his/her own feelings and thoughts and go out of your way to understand where they're coming from.
-Parents, our kids know full well if we¡¦re ignoring what they¡¦re saying. Maybe the information isn¡¦t important, but the assurance that Mom or Dad actually cares about what that kid has to say is important.
-Sometimes, being a good listener is all it takes to defuse a situation. Be quick to listen.
4. Choose Your Message With Care
-(Jm 3) ƒ² Words can never be taken back and the have great destructive potential. (Prov. 7:14) ƒ² "Starting a quarrel is like breeching a dam."
-Ill - We had a grade-school youth group learn about this one night in OH. We had them create a picture on a Styrofoam plate using a tube of toothpaste. After they were all done, we asked them to put all the toothpaste back in. No one could. In fact, it got really messy. The point to them was: once our words are outside our mouths, we can¡¦t put them back in.
(Jm 1:19) ƒ² "slow to speak"
-quote - Mark Twain - "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."
-Just because something is true doesn't mean you can or should say it; sometimes the loving thing to do is to leave the truth unsaid.
-joke - a man was choosing his words wisely; he and his wife were having a fight about each other's relatives; "Of course I like your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like my mother-in-law."
-Remember Prov. 15:1 - ("A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.") You can stop hostility with loving and kind communication -- even if the other person doesn't deserve it -- even if you might feel justified in "unloading both barrels"
-Eph. 4:29 ƒ² "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Prov. 16:24) ƒ² "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and a healing to the bones."
-Should I say it or not? Here's a great test to decide: "Will it build up, edify, and fortify our relationship?" If the answer is "No" don't say it!
-Choose your message with care. Remember also that words aren't the only way that you can communicate; rolling eyes, a shaking head, a frown, crossed arms, a furrowed brow -- all of these communicate a message. So choose your message with care
5. Don't Let It Stew
-Eph. 4:26 ƒ² "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." In other words, deal with problems before they fester and grow. Some people deal with their problems by going to sleep angry and hoping they'll be gone in the morning. They're not dealing with them at all. In fact, they're creating serious problems for the future.
-There's a rule in our house -- anger has to be resolved before we retire for the night. It might be difficult, it might be uncomfortable, but you need to deal with it, before the day comes to an end. Deal with your problems each and every day and don't let things fester. It might mean that you stay up pretty late sometimes, but it also means you wake up without the baggage of unfinished business that has festered even longer. You can disagree with that if you want to ¡V you can tell me all the reasons why you shouldn¡¦t have to do that or why it¡¦s not practical ¡V but it wasn¡¦t me who wrote it! It was the Holy Spirit! Don't let it stew.
6. Attack the Problem Not the Person
-Eph. 4:15 ƒ² "speak the truth in love"
-Nothing justifies personal attacks - not even a personal attack against you.
-The natural thing to do is to lash back, get even, and speak our mind. Granted, that's true. The natural thing for an attacked animal to do is fight back. The natural thing for a toddler to do is fight back. But the Bible says we're in conflict with the natural man, and we're not to give into natural desires. We're not supposed to respond like children, but we're supposed to grow up in Christ. The natural thing isn't the right thing, in this case.
-When we lash back, get even, and speak our mind we hurt our marriage and our family and our Church family. Attack the problem, not the person!
7. It Takes Two to Fight
-Prov. 15:1- "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." -It takes 2 people to have an all-out conflict. Refuse to be angry, bitter, hostile, or cutting and you take the teeth out of a hostile moment.
Ill ¡V How many of you have ever seen 2 dogs in a fight? Now, how many of you have ever seen just one dog in a fight?
-Prov 15:1 gives us the choice we face when someone deals with us in a way that's wrong:
1. Respond with anger 2. Respond with kindness
-The one you choose time after time shows whether you're choosing your own selfish desires or the needs of your marriage and family.
-Anger can't persist where there's deliberate love and kindness. It takes 2 to fight.
8. Forgiveness Is Forever
-Eph. 4:32 ƒ² "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Our model is the model of God's forgiveness to us through Jesus. What if God's forgiveness toward us was just like our forgiveness each other. What if God "forgave" us, but reserved the right to still be angry in the way He deals with us?
-joke - a man was saying to his preacher, "Every time we get in an argument, my wife gets historical." "You mean Ĩhysterical'?" "No, I mean she brings up everything I ever did wrong in the past!"
- Literally, forgiveness means ¡§to let something go¡¨ - like opening the door on the bird cage and not closing it until the bird is gone. I like this definition of forgiveness: Forgiveness is the promise that you won't bring a matter up in the future. Ask for and offer forgiveness, and then lay the matter aside forever!
-It's the gift that keeps on giving.
Application -I began this message by saying that this was about changes that each of us could make to improve our relationships on the home front. Some of you may be looking at a list of things that need to change and you may feel overwhelmed. If you have 5-6 things that need attention the temptation may be to do nothing. Fight that temptation. Don't do nothing! Tag the ones you need to work on in your home, and in this church family.
-Then, take this list, with the areas that need the most work tagged, take your date book or calendar, and put one of them on for the rest of the month. Maybe you can do this as a family, or a couple. Maybe October can be "Listen Carefully Month." Maybe November can be ¡§Don¡¦t let it stew overnight month.¡¨ Take a principle for the month, and put it into practice in your home -- and here.
Conclusion *I Co 3:1-3
Conflicts will happen. They happened between Paul and Barnabas! But how they're handled in Christian homes, and in the Household of God, must distinguish all of us from mere men.
The invitation is to quit being a "mere person" and to be made into something greater. To let God take your whole person into His workshop of human souls and chisel away the crookedness and to sand away some of the rough edges -- so that the finished work is a reflection of Him.
