WHAT MUST I DO? LOVE YOUR WIFE AND RESPECT YOUR HUSBAND
EPHESIANS 5:33
Big Idea: Whatever God’s Word says you MUST do, God knows you CAN do!
INTRO:
A few years back I decided to help Vickie with some household errands that are not in my “wheel house.” One of those was to do some washing. Now I thought everything was going along swell until my gesture of good will was finished. As I pulled some things out of the dryer I noticed that a few pair of wool socks were remarkably smaller that they were beforehand and there was some delicate garments that, well, would never look the same again. Afterwards I discovered that the designer of these garments had given special instructions for washing and drying. I assumed “clothes were clothes” and everything should be treated equally and, as a result, there was ruin.
If I had only read the designer’s instructions beforehand …
When it comes to marriage we often see similar tragedies. People fail to follow the Designer’s instructions and, consequently, there is ruin.
Too many marriages go through three downward spiraling phases:
Phase #1 – The Ideal
Phase #2 – The Ordeal
Phase #3 – Looking for a new deal
The Designer’s instructions can assure a better outcome.
Jesus’ people are designed to be a counter-cultural force in the world. They are intended to be virtuous force that offers “Good News” and a life-giving, peace-filled way of living. Jesus Christ offers informed transformation to the world.
There are few areas of life in more need of transformation than the marriage relationship. When it is transformed by the Gospel its potential for hope and well-being is unrivaled and God’s word offers the Designer’s instructions for the counter-cultural alternative to the world’s view of marriage.
In the U.S., where things have been influenced by Christian virtues for centuries, it appears on the surface not to be as contrasting as it is in some other cultures. Marriage, like everything else God calls His people to, is designed to have love as its foundation. In ancient times (and in some cultures today) wives were considered property with very few rights; love was seldom the foundation. When we read Ephesians 5:22-33 with the ancient understanding of marriage as the backdrop you will see how radical, how contrasting, and how counter-cultural the Gospel’s understanding of marriage is. Listen to Ephesians 5:22-33. You will notice the “MUST” given in verse 33 which also serves as a summary for the discussion.
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:22-33)
The clear contrast between an ancient understanding of marriage and the Gospel’s would have made this passage quite controversial in Jesus’ day and even though we have come a long way, it is still radical in our day as well. Ephesians 5:22-33 give us the Designer’s instruction for a radical counter-cultural marriage that reflects Jesus Christ and Christian virtue.
First of all, this passage reinforces a couple assumptions about the Gospel’s understanding of marriage.
• For example, God has always used marriage as imagery of his relationship with his people. In both the Old and New Testaments this was the case. The basic understanding is that marriage, like our relationship with Jesus, is a covenant … an agreement that both parties enter into. The ancient world’s understanding of marriage was not covenantal. They did not see marriage as two people being in partnership – walking through life shoulder to shoulder – becoming “one flesh.”
• The Gospel of Jesus also restores all humanity as equal. This Biblical understanding of equality is why slavery was abolished and it is because of equality that marriage can been reformed. Husband and wife are equal – they are “one flesh.” Dominance and power have no place within a marriage. Being in a covenant relationship makes husbands and wives equal in standing and yet they have different roles to play within the covenant.
The Bible states that the husband is the “head.” I know some men, and you probably know so some too, who have taken this as a license to be a tyrant or dictator. It becomes an excuse to dominate and oppress. But one cannot use the Bible to enforce such a role –Jesus’ model of headship portrays a different (counter-cultural) expression.
The word translated “head” here is “kaphale.” It is the word used in Matthew 21:42 for “capstone.” Jesus says, “The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone; (kaphale)...” The word is also used to describe Roman civic leaders and Paul uses the word three times in Ephesians in reference to Jesus Christ – the “kaphale” of the church. He gives us a clear understanding of its meaning the first time he uses it. Listen to Ephesians 1:22 (NASB).
And He put all things in subjection under His feet, and gave Him as head (kaphale) over all things to the church.
Now remember, marriage is a partnership with a man and a woman choosing to walk shoulder to shoulder as “one flesh.” As a covenant between a man and a woman there are different roles played by each partner. The “head” of the partnership implies leader, guide, director; it includes protection and provision.
• This does not mean a wife cannot give guidance. You show me a good marriage and I will show you one where the wife’s intuition and opinions are given serious respect and consideration.
• Nor does it mean she cannot provide for the family. Proverbs 31 reflects a wife who is very diligent and resourceful. She certainly provides for the needs of her family.
But “kaphale” does mean that the husband leads and sets the course for the family.
The wife has an unrivaled role to play within the marriage too. As “one flesh” implies, she is in a covenant relationship not bondage. The word used to describe her role is “hupotasso” and it means to yield, to make one’s self subject to another.
Now hear me … the Bible does not refer to a wife as a subsidiary or inferior or slave or second-rate or any other such images that are often used to create a caricature of a Biblical marriage. It never tells you to check your brain at the doorstep to your home. It never says you cannot provide direction or never disagree with your husband. When the Bible speaks of “hupotasso” it is talking about meekness not weakness. We are talking about strength under self-control. We are talking about a choice that a woman makes when she enters into the covenant partnership. As a wife you are capable of doing the same things your husband does (read Proverbs 31) but when it comes to setting direction and pointing the way “hupotasso” yields to “kaphale.” Think about this, the fact that she yields suggests she has equal standing and selects/chooses to places herself in subject to her husband. Ephesians 1:22 uses both “kaphale” and “hupotasso” to show us how the relationship works; “And He put all things in subjection (hupotasso) under His feet, and gave Him as head (kaphale) over all things to the church.”
Now I have spent a lot of time setting the stage for the “What must I do?” statement in verse 33. It serves as a summary for all that precedes it. “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
♦♦♦♦♦
A group called “Decision Analysts” did a national survey on male-female relationships and one of the questions was “In the middle of a conflict with my wife/significant other, I am more likely to be feeling:
(a) That my wife doesn’t respect me
(b) That my wife doesn’t love me.
(Source: Emerson Eggrich’s book, “Love and Respect”)
An astonishing 81.5% of the men surveyed said they felt disrespected. Deep down they were secure in their wife’s love but they sure did not feel like she respected them.
When women were asked a similar question the results were almost identically reversed … she felt unloved when there was conflict. She felt distance, even rejection, when the marriage was tense.
That poll question validates the Designer’s instructions for a husband to love and a wife to respect.
Husbands
Men, real love is not flowers once a year or doing the dishes hoping to get your wife “in the mood.” Real love is self-sacrificial servant-hood. Real love is taking that “my home is my castle” crown off your head, wrapping a towel around your waist. Real love is putting yourself interests aside and honoring / blessing / serving your wife … at least that’s how Jesus models the love of “kaphale.”
Hear me men … love is focused on providing for the needs of your spouse. The outward expression is sacrificial service that flows from a heart turned towards one’s spouse.
• I’m not talking about serving when it’s convenient or advantageous.
• I am not talking about serving as long as she responds properly.
• I am talking about serving as a lifestyle.
• I am talking about doing the self-sacrificial work of discovering her needs and providing for them.
In his book “Love and Respect” Emerson Eggerichs describes how love meets a wife’s needs with the acronym “C*O*U*P*L*E. I give you these merely to help you start thinking about how to love your wife. There are other starter ideas available; Doug Flanders, for example, wrote an article titled “25 Ways to Express Love to Your Wife.”
C – Closeness … She wants you to want to be with her
O – Openness … She wants to know what is happening in your world
U – Understanding … Don’t try to “fix” her; just listen
P – Peacemaking … She needs you to say “I am sorry.”
L – Loyalty … She needs to KNOW you are committed
E – Esteem … She needs to be honored and cherished
Wives
Well, the poll I mentioned suggests that the Designer’s instructions were spot on when the Bible tells a husband to love his wife. And they are spot on when they tell a wife to respect her husband too.
Respect is an inherent part of “hupotasso” … of yielding. So much so that the Scriptures use the word respect to sum up the wife’s role in the relationship.
Men are geared toward a need for respect.
• Men will kill each other over respect/disrespect.
• Road rage in men is often about one driver not respecting the other.
Men are wired to need respect and when wives look down on, demean, scold, ignore, distance themselves, or show contempt … the relationship erodes. When women refer to their husbands as Neanderthals, idiots, dense, lazy, etc. … the relationship erodes.
However, it is amazing what happens when a wife follows the Designer’s instructions and gives her partner respect. Just think back to the courtship days when you admired your future husband and built him up … that’s why he married you.
Wives, may I give you an acronym and provide you with some ideas on how to respect your husband? I will use the acronym W*I*F*E. I give you these merely to help you start thinking about how to meet your husband’s need for respect. There are other starter ideas available, Jennifer Flanders, for example, wrote an article titled “25 Ways to Show Your Husband Respect.”
Here are my suggestions:
W – Work … Honor his desire to work, achieve, provide and protect
I – Intimacy … Recognize his desire for sexual intimacy
F – Friendship … Appreciate his desire for shoulder to shoulder partnership
E – Executive … Respect his desire to lead and set the course for the home
WRAP-UP
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
The Gospel offers a radical counter-cultural way for a marriage to work. It is based upon covenant; a man and woman being “one flesh.” Though equal, each spouse has a specific role in the covenant relationship.
But what is really counter-cultural is that this marriage reflects Jesus Christ rather than a worldly understanding of dominance, power, and ownership.
A marriage following the Designer’s instructions is possible when Jesus Christ is Lord of the home and everyone is in submission to Him. You cannot do this on your own. You need God!
I’ve been thinking recently about Galatians 2:20. “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” (Galatians 2:20)
That’s just another way of saying “Whatever God says I must do … God knows I can do.” I can do it because Christ lives in me and provides me with the grace and insight to serve him.
Some of your marriages are in a downward spiral right now. You are moving through the danger phases:
Phase #1 – The Ideal
Phase #2 – The Ordeal
Phase #3 – Looking for a new deal
I dare say that yielding to God and following the Designer’s instructions has the potential to restore and rekindle your marriage. Someone needs to step out in obedience and do the right thing.
You see, the issue is not what your spouse is doing … the issue is what are you doing!
Are you following the Designer’s instructions in the way you treat your spouse?
To have a Christ-centered, counter-cultural marriage, you need a radical dependence on Christ that expresses itself in radical obedience.
+++
** Special thanks to Rick Duncan, pastor of Cuyahoga Valley Community Church for the counter-cultural concept of marriage.
** Special thanks to Emerson Eggrich’s book, “Love and Respect” for some of this sermon’s content.
This sermon is provided by Dr. Kenneth Pell
Potsdam Church of the Nazarene
Potsdam, New York
www.potsdam-naz.org
