Series: For Better or For Worse Pt. 1
"The Dating Game"
Genesis 2:15-25
Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
INTRODUCTION: First, let me give you a few statistics that I think will help us put this message into context. We know that well over 90% of all adults will get married in their lifetime and even among those who experience divorce, over 80% will remarry. So that tells me that generally speaking most folks view the institution of marriage as a good and even desirable thing. Second, it is my opinion, based on my own observation and experience in over 40 years of counseling, that many problems in marriage actually have their roots in our dating and courtship system.
How do you reckon that I find a mate then? Great question. I'd like to encourage God's people to find the answer from the Bible rather than our culture. I think Genesis 2:15-23 will give us a great start.
I. THE CULTURE OF DATING
a. The myths about dating
#1 - People have been dating forever, right? No, in fact what we call dating has only been around for about 100 years or so. Before that every aspect of male/female interaction was strictly controlled and regulated. Almost everything was arranged, including marriage. There were rules involving physical contact, the use of chaperones, courtship, engagement or betrothal. Sounds a lot easier back then doesn't it? In Dake's Bible from a passage in Dueteronomy we read: "It was customary among the Jews to contract matrimony, espouse or betroth a couple, then leave each one with the parents for a considerable time. The contract always specified conditions of dowry, the time when the contracting couple should come together as man and wife, and all other details of agreement between the parents and young people. Concluding festivities were held at the time of fulfillment or coming together of the betrothed."
#2 - People can fall in love at first sight, right? No, I have heard people say that they can know within just a minute or two if they have met "mister right." In an article by Jean Smith she writes: "Really, so you can make a decision about something as important as a potential partner, faster than you can make a decision about what food to order at Mr. Chang's Chinese and More?"
#3 - People need to feel a connection, feel some electricity, right? No, rather than using superficial and unhelpful indicators to find a partner, start looking at the ones that really count: character, kindness, curiosity, generosity, intelligence, humor, empathy. Remember, "Sparks are exciting, but they also burn."
b. The misconceptions about dating
One of the main misconceptions of our culture that I want to expose and debunk is that dating is for exploration! This idea has even carried over into the dating dynamic where couples have been convinced that it is good to live together as a sort of trial to see if you like each other or not. Dear friend, dating is not for exploration but confirmation! If that is true then what are we trying to confirm?
1. Confirm their COMMITMENT TO THE CREATOR.
Priority number one is his/her relationship with God. In the context of Genesis 2, we learn that Adam walked and talked with God. He listened and knew the Word of God. Christians are to marry Christians. And not only that, maturing Christians are to marry maturing Christians. 2 Corinthians 6:14-- "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers for what fellowship hath light with darkness?" Listen, if you are a child of God and you marry a child of the devil, you are going to have problems with your In-laws. Faith and commitment to Christ are to be the first priority.
2. Confirm the CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER (15, 19-20).
Before Adam had any thoughts at all about marriage, he got a job. And he did what God gave him to do! Marriage is work and if they're lazy, apathetic and disrespectful at work; I guarantee it will be the same at Home! Stay away from the "sluggard" (that's what the Bible calls a lazy person)
Proverbs 6:6 Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise:
7 Which having no guide, overseer, or ruler,
8 Provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her food in the harvest.
9 How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy sleep?
10 Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep:
11 So shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth, and thy want as an armed man.
Proverbs 20:4 The sluggard will not plow by reason of the cold; therefore shall he beg in harvest, and have nothing.
3. Confirm their CAPACITY FOR COMMUNICATION (v. 23).
As soon as Adam sees Eve, he gives a speech. Again, I've been a pastor for a long time and let me tell you that the inability or unwillingness to communicate is a red flag. Most counselors will tell you that faulty communication is the biggest problem facing most couples.
These three things that will help you with confirmation...
1) Commitment to the Creator
2) Content of their Character
3) Capacity for Communication.
If they measure up in these three areas it is a pretty good indication that they are a good prospect for dating and ultimately, marriage!
II. THE CONDUCT IN DATING
a. Unbiblical behavior
Most American dating customs are not biblical. God's Word teaches us to be unselfish but just the opposite is true in our modern dating culture. God's Word teaches us that transparency and truth should be the goals of our lives but modern dating culture teaches the opposite and the list goes on and on.
b. Ungodly behavior
His Some red flags to look for when you date are:
a. If your date starts a sentence with, "If you love me you will..." (It's not love, its lust!)
b. If your date wants you to conceal something from your parents (no matter what name you put on it, a lie is still a lie!)
c. And just so you will know that I'm not some old fogey who doesn't know anything about the current dating scene...if your date wants you to send pictures of yourself that you would be embarrassed for your parents or family to see...drop them like a "hot potato!" Any sexual (sexting) activity outside of marry is prohibited by Scripture!
c. Unhealthy behavior
Recently I read an article by a pastor by the name of Mark Magee who writes: Problems with Dating System: For the past ten years, I've taught a seminar on the Dangers of Dating. It hasn't always been the most popular doctrine, but it has been received with some interesting reactions. In my opinion based upon experience and observation, our American system of Dating is extremely poisonous. 1) It promotes increased sexual desire. 2) It promotes isolation from others; 3) It causes jealousy. 4) It often results in shallow relationships-- it often skips the friendship development and heads immediately to the "physical" aspect; 5) Dating often stunts spiritual, mental and emotional growth; 6) It often results in unnecessary hurt and disappointment. 7) Dating actually creates an artificial environment that makes it impossible for evaluating a person's character-- anyone can look good for a night or two when putting their best foot forward. 8) Dating often promotes unhealthy patterns for marriage-- rarely does it promote marriage, but often establishes patterns that easily lead to divorce. 9) Our dating system often distorts the meaning of real love and 10) Dating often distracts young people from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future. Because of these problems, I have concluded that our American "Dating" is often unhealthy and ungodly. Oh it's fun, but I think you will agree that it is mostly driven by the lust of the flesh.
III. THE CORRECTION FOR DATING
a. Repent of any pasts sins
Part of the problem for many people is that they don't see things the way that God sees them. For instance they see pre-marital sex as just "youthful indiscretion" but God has a name for this behavior and it is called "fornication" in the Bible! If you have never repented of this type of behavior then you have "baggage" that you will carry with you into any future relationships you may have. This would also be true if you have had an abortion.
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
b. Re-prioritize our goals
Put God first in everything, in every part of your life but especially your dating life! Remember, God is watching everything you do and listening to everything you say and He knows what is in your heart! "You are not on this earth to be happy, you are here to be holy!"
Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
c. Resolve to let God be your guide
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
Proverbs 3:6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Proverbs 3:7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
CLOSE: The following dating advice to teens; singles; and parents is from
1. Resolve to pray, pray, pray, pray, pray: prayer is the life blood of the believer.
2. Resolve to set your priorities: I am first to love Jesus with all of my heart, mind and soul. Trust Him for all that I need.
3. Resolve to allow God to choose your mate. (Pressure is off!)
4. Resolve to place the highest priority on character; is so much more important than physique.
5. Resolve to let only Jesus on the throne of your life.
6. Resolve to let God chose your mate.
7. Resolve to let "dating" be for the marriage season of life (confirmation not exploration).
8. Resolve to reserve "physical passion" for marriage.
9. Resolve to have an accountability partner. Have someone in your life who will ask you the hard questions.
10. Resolve to commit to honoring your parents at all times!
11. Resolve to make purity a priority! Your purity and the purity of your relationships should be at the top of your list of "things to do!"
A. Guys, realize that girls don't have the same struggle with sex drives like you do, their struggles are more emotional. 1 Timothy 5:2-- encourages us to treat younger women as sisters with absolute purity.
B. Girls realize that every guy struggles with his eyes. That doesn't mean we're all perverts, it's reality. Please help us and refuse to wear clothing that draws attention to your body.
C. Parents, establish some convictions about dating for your children and stick to them. What everyone else is doing is not important. What is important is that you will have to answer to God for how you have raised the children He has placed in your care. Don't dress them immodestly when they are young and then expect them to change when they are teenagers. It won't work.
My best advice for dating is this; make it your goal in life to do the will of God. If you will do this God will provide whatever you need to do His will. Let God do all the work. If fact, if you will seek to love Jesus with all of your being you will find that there are others out there doing the same thing.
ILL - Philip Yancey, in his book "Reaching for the Invisible God" describes the way God get's blamed for things in this way.
"When Princess Diana died in an automobile accident, a minister was interviewed and was asked the question "How can God allow such a terrible tragedy?" And I loved his response. He said, "Could it have had something to do with a drunk driver going ninety miles an hour in a narrow tunnel? Just How, exactly, was God involved."
Years ago, boxer, Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini, killed a Korean opponent with a hard right hand to the head. At the press conference after the Korean's death, Mancini said, "sometimes I wonder why God does the things he does."
In a letter to Dr. Dobson, a young woman asked this anguished question, "Four years ago, I was dating a man and became pregnant. I was devastated. I asked God, "Why have you allowed this to happen to me?"
Susan Smith, the South Carolina mother a couple years ago who pushed her two sons into a lake to drown and then blamed a fictional car-jacker for the deed, wrote in her confession: "I dropped to the lowest point when I allowed my children to go down that ramp into the water without me. I took off running and screaming, 'Oh God! Oh God, no! What have I done? Why did you let this happen?"
Now the question remains, exactly what role did God play in a boxer beating his opponent to death, a teenage couple giving into temptation in the back seat of a car, or a mother drowning her children?
Is God responsible for these acts? To the contrary, they are examples of incredible human free will being exercised on a fallen planet and yet it's in our nature as mortal, frail, fallen people to lash out at one who is not, that being God."
In closing: You can chose to ignore, reject and rebel against the principles and precepts that I have shared with you but do not be surprised if the consequences "fall on you like a ton of bricks!" And when they do please do not blame God. On the other hand there is something you can do that will bring you a lifetime without regret, do the will of God, in your dating and marital life.
