Love and Marriage
Genesis 2:20b-24
In the next few weeks, as we look at God’s design and intention for families, and there will be a lot of pain. We know that a lot of marriages are struggling. Some may be considering divorce. Others have been through the heartache and pain of divorce, either personally or in a family member’s life. Yet in the midst of this, our God is a God of grace and mercy. God gives us healing and hope and He gives us the power of the resurrection to makes the needed changes. Some of you may feel hopeless in your current circumstances. You may feel that all of the love is gone. But this we know: with God all things are possible. Relationships are based on commitment and it is out of that the miracle of repentance, reconciliation and love occurs.
For those of you in this room who are single, guess what? Eventually, you will come to a place in your life where you will be faced with the decision of whether or not to make a lifetime commitment. It’s important to understand the investment required before you make the commitment to get married. The Bible teaches us not to make this commitment too quickly.
In our Scripture today, we learn five things about marriage. First, marriage is God’s design. God has purposely brought us together and designed this one particular person for you. Up to this point in the creation story, God said everything was good. Yet, in our passage today, God declares that it was not good for Adam to be alone. God chose to create a unique need within us which was not fulfilled by God’s presence or any of creation, but only by another. There is a purpose in marriage. Marriage is not just about how you feel, it’s about God’s plan for your life. When you stand at the front of the church and say, “I do”, there comes a point at the end when the couple kneels, their hands are joined and I drape my stole over the couple’s hands, signifying God’s blessing coming upon them. In effect, you are anointed and empowered by God’s spirit to make you a husband or a wife. God has blessed you for this task and you have answered the call because it’s his design.
Second, men and women are meant to be a gift to one another. You are to be a gift to your spouse and they are called to be a gift to you. Many of us are much better at being a curse than a gift. We’re better at tearing down than building up, taking rather than giving, and discouraging rather than encouraging. We find it easier to pick people apart rather than to build them up. It’s so easy to get into bad habits in our relationships and that can cause us to forget that we are meant to be a gift and a blessing to each other. Does your spouse thank God every day for you? Or does your spouse ask God for the strength to make it through one more day with you? It’s tough being a gift, but that’s what God has called you to be. God has called you to bless, to encourage, to build up, to stand alongside, to love sacrificially, to serve faithfully and to be a tangible representative of God presence. Last week, we were reminded that we are created in the image of God. So we are the very presence, character and heart of Christ for each other, reflecting His love, His grace, and His desires for your life. What greater blessing can there be than being the very hands and heart of God for your spouse?
Third, we are to be a helper to one another. The Hebrew word for helper does not mean subservient—men that doesn’t mean that she’s in your life to do your laundry, cook your food and pick up after you! Rather, helper means “a stronger one coming along to help the weaker one.” Did you get that? It literally means the stronger helping the weaker. A woman has been designed with strengths that men don’t have and vice versa. Yet too often, we don’t value the strengths of the other but instead intentionally or unintentionally devalue them. When we pair together, we are stronger than we would be alone.
Fourth, we are shaped in marriage. There is no doubt that marriage can be one of the biggest blessings of life. But it can also be one of the most frustrating and painful of life as well. God made us male and female…” Have you ever heard the expression, “Opposites attract?” The vast majority of couples I have married in 25 years have been opposites of one another. Why? It’s God’s design for us. God created men and women to counter-balance each other. Alot of what frustrates us in marriage is the other person’s counter to what we need in our lives. God has made males and females unique and different from each other. Amen? But these difference are meant to be a creative, collaborative tension to counterbalance us and to make us the people God wants us to be and to enable us to accomplish His will. No one can do that alone.
Dr. John Gray noted these innate differences of men and women in his book, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.” He says the key to better relationships is that men and women need to appreciate these differences, and cease expecting each other to act and feel the way they do. Video: http://vimeo.com/66753575 As wildly popular as that book was, there is new scientific evidence that men and women are not as different as they have been made out to be. Pur her image and following quote on screen Dr. Debbie Magids writes to women of current research and her experience in counseling others saying, “Guys hurt the way we hurt. Guys feel insecure and inadequate the way we do. Guys need to be approved of the way we do. When guys fall in love with us, they also get that pit of anxiety if we pull away. Guys fear rejection the same way we do. Guys worry about their sexual adequacy the way we do. Guys need to feel appreciated and respected the way we do. Guys need to be complimented the way we do. Guys need to feel needed the way we do. And, guys need to feel sexually desired the way we do.” Her advice is that instead of focusing on the differences, maybe we need to appreciate them and focus instead on the similarities. Regardless, you are different people from different backgrounds with similarities and differences and that brings its challenges to our marriage!
Fifth, we are to be a minister in your marriage. As a minister, you are called to be a servant to your spouse, to be the presence, hand and voice of God in the midst of their lives. Wives, you are meant to be your husband’s personal minister and to help him become all that God intended him to be. Husbands, you are meant to be your wife’s personal minister and to help her become all that God intended her to be. That takes love, grace and mercy. Simply put, grace is unconditional forgiveness. Mercy is getting what I need, not what I deserve. So your spouse becomes the visible expression of God’s love, grace and mercy in your life. Through them, you are to experience “God’s steadfast love that endures forever.” Together, we are a visible expression of God’s love for the world to see. Your spouse knows your “stuff” and you know theirs. You are the only person in the world that sees them as God made them, the good and the bad and yet you still love them because you know they are fearfully and wonderfully made. So as your spouse loves you, they become an expression of God’s love for you, and vice versa.
The purpose of marriage is not to make us happy, but rather to make us holy. Let me say that again: The purpose of marriage is not to make us happy, but rather to make us holy. 1 Peter 1: 15-16 says, “like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy.'" How can we become holy in marriage and help our spouses become holy? First is the ministry of encouragement. Hebrews 3:13 says “encourage one another daily” Both men and women need encouragement, encouragement to takes risks for God, to face the challenges of their life with grace and to pursue the will of God. It’s blessing them with your lips and speaking well of them to other people. It’s building them up and always cheering them on in their endeavors.
Second is the ministry of compassion. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another…” The word compassion in Greek, patti cum, means to suffer with. The ministry of compassion means to come alongside and listen to what’s happening in your spouse’s life and to feel what they are feeling. It means you don’t have to have all the answers, you just have to have the right heart as you let them know they are understood and cared for. It includes what Paul speaks of in Colossians “kindness, humility, meekness and patience.” Third is the ministry of forgiveness. Colossians 3:13b “Forgive as the Father forgave you.” Probably the three most important words in a marriage are not “I love you” but “I am sorry and I forgive you.” We have the opportunity and blessing of sharing the love and forgiveness of Christ in our lives with the one we love the most. Forgiveness should be at the heart of every relationship, especially marriage.
Fourth is the ministry of affection and sexual intimacy. Men, she is in need of your affection and that’s usually through small gifts, cards, and flowers that say, “I love you”. Husbands, you are ministering to your wife when you shower her with gifts showing your affection, blessing her and strengthening her heart. Wives, the ministry of physical intimacy is the way your husband experiences love. It allows him to see and feel that you want him, long for him and love him. It ignites his feelings for you. It is much deeper than feeling pleasure. It has to do with how a man feels about himself and his need to be needed.
Fifth is the ministry of listening and sharing. James says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.” God gave you two ears and one mouth as a reminder that you should listen twice as much as you speak. Listening to your spouse tells them they are important and valued, that you care about their opinion, thoughts and feelings. But make sure to find the right time for both of you when it comes to talking about deep things. Ladies, don’t come to us and talk about deep things during the Saints game. And men, when she comes to you, don’t start solving your wife’s problems when she’s talking about them. If she wants that advice, she’ll ask for it. She just needs to be heard and to know you empathize.
Lastly is the ministry of accountability and a shared spiritual life. As Methodists, we are called to a life filled with the practices of the Means of Grace: daily prayer and Bible study, weekly worship and communion, fasting and small group Bible study. Second is Acts of Mercy where you can minister together to those less fortunate. These are the keys which lead to a life of holiness. They are not to be done alone but can be the glue of a great, God blessed marriage.
