Have you ever held a grudge? I have. I was once accused of plagiarizing material I wrote for a small group study. The person who accused me wanted to fire me, but, didn't have the authority himself to do it, so he tried to diminish my character by accusing me of stealing my material. I have to tell you that I really struggled to forgive this guy. But in the scope of life experiences this is a minor thing.
I had a conversation once with a person who was struggling to forgive her dad for years of sexual abuse. How can God expect someone who has been abused as a child to forgive their abuser? Does God expect this person to love the one who hurt them? Most of us can relate to holding a grudge. Just about everyone on the planet has done so.
Genesis 27
Today I'm going to tell a story from the Old Testament about the destructive nature of holding a grudge. Isaac had twins named Esau and Jacob. Esau was a hairy guy. Apparently he was a furry baby, because the name Esau means hairy. This little nugget is important a little later in our story. Esau was the older of the twins, even if it was only by a few minutes; this is also important because according to the custom of their day the bulk of the family inheritance was handed down to the oldest son.
For years Isaac and his wife Rebekah tried to have kids. But Rebekah, according to the Bible, was unable to bear children. Isaac pleaded with God and prayed about it and finally God answered his prayer. (Genesis 25:21) During the late term of the pregnancy Esau and Jacob were fairly active. It seemed to Rebekah that they were fighting with each other in her womb. It bothered her so much she decided to ask God about it. (Genesis 25:22-23) What God told her would change the destiny for Jacob and, at least for this family, turn the custom of the oldest son receiving the inheritance from his dad upside down.
Esau became a hunter. Jacob was a momma's boy. Esau was a man's man. He enjoyed being outdoors, he loved to hunt, and he was covered in hair from head to toe. Jacob on the other hand was smooth skinned, an errand boy for his mom, and apparently good in the kitchen. One day Esau came home from one of his hunting expeditions and he was tired and hungry. Jacob was cooking a pot of stew. Esau wanted some, but, Jacob didn't just give him a bowl. He asked Esau for something in return.
In order to understand the rest of the story you need to know what God told Rebekah. Her twin babies seemed to be consistently struggling with each other in her womb. When she asked God why this was happening, He said, “The sons in your womb will become two nations. From the very beginning, the two nations will be rivals. One nation will be stronger than the other; and your older son will serve your younger son.” (Genesis 25:23)
The older son will serve the younger son. This was not the way it was supposed to work. This was against the custom and traditions of the day. It's speculation to suggest that Rebekah favored Jacob because of this insight, but, I believe this to be the case. From the moment her boys were born Rebekah knew that Jacob would be the one who would inherit the family fortune. But, even though she heard this prophecy from God himself, she still took matters into her own hands to insure that what God told her would come true.
So Esau comes in from his hunting trip and he's hungry. He asks Jacob for some stew. But Jacob wants something in return, he wants the birthright of Esau. In this day the birthright consisted of two things. One; the ceremonial process of the family wealth handed down to the oldest son or inheritor and two; a blessing from the father or living patriarch of the family. Almost always this process was public and included much fanfare and ceremony. It was important for everyone to know that the authority of the family had been officially transferred from the father to the son.
There's no doubt that when Esau "sells" his birthright to Jacob he wasn't being serious. The Bible says that Esau showed contempt for his rightful place as the inheritor of his father's wealth. There's no evidence other than this story that suggests how he showed his contempt, but, apparently, Esau didn't take the responsibility of being the oldest one seriously.
But Esau was fully expecting the inheritance anyway. (Genesis 25:34) And Isaac was determined to give it to him. The Bible doesn't tell us if Isaac was aware of the prophecy that Rebekah received from God. But if he did know, it's possible that he forgot about it, or he grew skeptical of Rebekah's word about it. What we are told is that Isaac grew very fond of Esau. In his older days, Isaac relied on Esau for the meat he provided from hunting. We know there was deception occurring at every level in this household.
Isaac believed he was nearing the end of his life, which is interesting because he lived for another 40-60 years after this, but maybe he was sick, or just feeling weak, or maybe depressed. He was old and blind and he asked for a private meeting with Esau and told him that he was going to give him his birthright. Isaac instructed Esau to go hunt for some meat, cook it, and once Isaac had eaten he would bless Esau.
Rebekah overheard the conversation. Isaac was going to bless Esau, even though Jacob was the one God said would receive it. So she prepared a deception of her own. She instructed Jacob to kill some goats, strip them of their fur, and prepare a meal for his dad. Rebekah stitched the furs to cover Jacob's body. That's how furry Esau was, that a blind Isaac could be fooled by his younger son wearing goat fur.
The deception worked and before Esau made it back from his trip, Isaac unwittingly blessed Jacob and handed the birthright or inheritance of the family to him. Do you think Esau held a grudge? This is what the Bible says, "From that time on, Esau hated Jacob because their father had given Jacob the blessing. And Esau began to scheme about killing his brother." (Genesis 27:41)
Here's two things about why it's destructive to hold a grudge:
1. holding a grudge against someone generates bitterness
When we're unwilling to forgive someone, even of the most heinous things, there is no way we can love them. It's impossible to obey the single greatest command of Jesus to love others if we hate them. A person who holds a grudge against another person isn't very pleasant to be around. They have a tendency to gossip, speak in very negative terms, and generally have a bad attitude about the person. Esau was so bitter towards Jacob that he wanted to kill him. And probably would have if he had the opportunity. I can relate to Esau. Just because I follow Jesus doesn't mean that I'm perfect. I know what it means to hold a grudge against someone, to struggle with forgiving them. It's never an easy thing to do.
Yet for those of us who are believers, forgiveness is a way of life. We need to hold each other accountable to be forgivers. I need you to help me, and you need me to help you. We don't need to pretend like we don't struggle with this, we just need to be honest when we're holding a grudge and say, "I'm struggling to forgive someone, help me out." Ephesians 4:31-32 says, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
2. holding a grudge against someone generates deception
This is especially true in a family. We don't just hold grudges. If a person has allowed a grudge to take root in their heart and mind then vengeance or "getting even" is just around the corner. Those who hold grudges for a long period of time have a tendency to create a deceptive outer shell, where, on the surface it looks as though the person has reconciled or forgiven, but, underneath the shell is a simmering grudge waiting to explode in vengeance. We see this acted out all the time in our courts. A husband or wife convicted of murdering the other, and usually the motive is vengeance, or "getting even". Seventy-five percent of domestic homicides occur just after or during abandonment. Often the wife has a restraining order at the time of the murder. 75% of men kill their wives or girlfriends for leaving them. And while abuse is more than simply holding a grudge, you can't argue that holding a grudge, or the act of "getting even" isn't a part of what is going on here. When we hold a grudge, much like Esau, we can be so deceived that we can rationalize any action, even murder.
More than 20 years later Jacob meets up with Esau again. Jacob believed that at some point he would face Esau. He thought that Esau would hunt him down. When Jacob received word that Esau was coming with 400 men he panicked. He sent Esau almost 500 head of livestock as a piece offering, but, Esau kept coming. The night before Esau confronts Jacob; Jacob has a weird encounter with an angel. They wrestle all night until the angel or angel like man touches Jacob's hip and it slipped out of socket. I can't imagine how much that hurt.
Jacob receives a new name from this encounter and a new attitude which more than likely spares his life a few hours later. Before the wrestling match Jacob lives on his wits and his own ability. He doesn't seem to rely much on God and there's no sense in the Bible that Jacob is characteristically humble. In much of Jacob's life there is evidence that he was full of himself. But after the wrestling match he meets up with Esau and uncharacteristically bows before his older brother as if he's the king. He treats Esau as the authority and humbles himself before his brother. (Genesis 33:1-4)
Esau forgives and the grudge is gone.
I know that it's not easy to forgive sometimes. There are extreme circumstances where a person isn't going to be able to forgive or let go of a wrong without therapy, or professional counseling. For those of us who have or maybe are holding grudges now, I hope you understand how destructive it is for you. It's impossible to love those you hold a grudge against. Please. For your sake. Let it go. If Esau can do it, you can too.
