But I Don't Know About You I'm Not Crying Anymore!
By
Dr. Gale A. Ragan-Reid (8/28/2013)
“This is the generation of them that seek him, that seek thy face, O Jacob. Selah” (Psalms 24:6, King James Version, KJV [The confidence in God's grace])...”When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek” (Psalms 27:8, KJV [David resorteth unto God]).
Greetings in the Name of Christ Jesus,
One day, I found myself bereft, not knowing what to think or say. The caller spoke in a soft tone that tore out my heart. She said, “He passed.” I entered a zone of strange proportions that left me so empty inside, it was nothing but the blood of Jesus that contained me and kept me grounded in my skin.
I heard her say, something about the surgery, was a success but after the surgery, we lost him to a heart attack. We had the service, yesterday, that's why we were not here. I said, “This is difficult, for me, let me call you back.” There comes a time in your life, when you do not want to explain. I should have been there.
I wanted to be there.
I lost my friend. I did not want to rationalize the injustices of the day yet I thought. My God! How great thou art?
I am going to act like this was not my country. I was going to act like I recently came from distant shores, so the struggle was still poignantly resonating, with each heartbeat, for I needed to say this place, this country, was unknown, to fight the good fight. I wanted to feel the joy of coming to a distant land in year one, sowing all I had, and in year 5, abundantly reaping the blessings of Christ Jesus, while all along the way, being blessed, each and every day, by those who called this place their home; citizens. I am going to act like I am not entitled, so I hunger and thirst, even thou my meager provisions sustained me for the day and maybe the night, if, I do not eat, too much, then, I might save, enough, for another day. I am going to act like God loved me, too, and take on all my challenges; yokes of oppressions, holding me back, down, and out, of where I needed to be, where I needed to go, where I felt God wanted me, so, He could talk to me about life everlasting; eternal life and the grace of our Lord and Saviour, Christ Jesus, until the moon was no more and the sun ceased to shine.
I wanted to be loved by God and of God, no matter what my moments of distress and present circumstances, said to me, I wanted to hear God speak to me, I wanted to feel Christ, in me, loving me, for all the wrong I've done and for all the times I was slighted, overlooked, even ashamed of myself. Yet, in spite of it all, I wanted the God, in me, Christ Jesus, to hear my Father, God Almighty, speak to me, to comfort me, when I did not have the money to pay the bills, forget considering travel expenses or the money to buy food for myself, not to mention the food for my dear overworked pets that labored day and night to secure our home, under God's sky, for there were those folks, restless souls, without hope for a brighter day than the day, they lived yesterday, wandering in the wilderness, with no place to call home, no place to go, in their hearts and in their minds, who would hurt you, even kill you, just because they, too, needed to hear God, to know God's love covered them, so they could rest assure, in that knowledge.
I wanted God to tell me about the refuge of Christ Jesus, a place even I could go, to keep the workers of Satan that tried to convince me that I was an unwanted soul, dregs of society, a detested individual, no one cared for but the devil was a liar. I wanted to feel the love of God, in me. I know the love of God, inside of me and it was that love that would not let me go. I was at peace yet I wanted the peace of Christ Jesus that gave you rest in your darkest hour, for I only knew the depth of the darkness that came with hearing, “He passed”.
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I was in the peace of Christ Jesus' glorious morning. I did not care what darts of ill-will manifested in a dream state of despair. I was in the peace of His glorious mid-day. I did not care, who stepped all over my rights and denied me; I fought back.
I was in the peace of His glorious evening. I did not care why I must speak out, for I know I must speak out because I hold the love of God, in me. I care. It was right to care.
I cried my eyes out. I cried so much, I felt I could not breathe. I felt a pain coming from a place in my heart that I only knew when I was a child. A time, in my life, when I really cried, let it all out, without fear of reprisal and without shame. Now, I know what God meant when he spoke of a child, for the child, in me, came forth and poured out tears but I don't know about you I am not crying anymore.
I innocently decided, validation of my love, was a waste. It was my experience. It was my love. You know, sometimes when you stepped outside of the words of God, into the world of unbelief, where the truth of God's love, was denied, you felt the need to prove something. In our waking hours, in the world, we waste our gift of life, proving something, just as much as it held no value to our gift of life, to deny something, just live what is; just live your life and celebrate your every waking moment, knowing it was a gift. Of course, I speak of your spiritual life, for in Rome, give to Rome, what belonged to Rome, so said, the words of God.
But I don't know about you, I am not crying anymore. I refuse to spin my wheels, in false teachings; delusional. Lord, I pray, do not cast me down to a delusional state. The truth of God's love did not need proof; especially, not the proof found in strong wine or alcoholic drinks; for it is, it exists.
If, love does not exist, then, what is love? I do not need anyone – not you, you, or you, to say anything, for love is, it exists. The truth of God's love is like a summer night when the sweat of the day bothered you and covered your body, even though you bathed several times, the sweat of the day, kept coming back. God's love is like a gentle breeze, right on time, just when you needed it and never a bother; a desired relief.
God's love is real and ever present but I don't know about you I'm not crying anymore, for I believe. God's love is the love of spirit, manifested, in flesh. I believe God loves me. Do you believe God loves you? I believe God loves me, too.
Amen. May the Spirit of Christ Jesus, be with you.
