The family was also designed to reflect and flesh out spiritual truth. Scripture uses the imagery of the family to speak of our relationship with God in Christ. As believers, we are adopted children in the household of God (Rom. 8:15-17). We are also heirs with Christ (Rom. 8:17; Eph. 1:11; 3:6). The living God is our loving Father (Heb. 12:5-11), and we are His children (1 John 3:1). These analogies illustrate the high calling and responsibility which accompanies Christian parenthood.
In this booklet, we will look for biblical principles on loving, teaching, disciplining, and developing children of spiritual and moral character.
Perspective, Priorities, and Purpose of the Home
According to Psalm 127:3-5, children are a gift from the Lord. They are God's possession, not ours. He has temporarily placed them under our care; in effect, our children are "on loan" from God for the 18 or so years they are under our roof. We have been given the task of raising them up from a state of complete dependence to a state of complete independence so that we can release them to God by the time they reach maturity.
It is urgent that we as Christian parents recognize this truth. Failure to do so will lead to unbiblical attitudes which can have a devastating impact on the self-image and development of our children. One such attitude is excessive possessiveness. Believing that their children are their own possessions, some parents do not adequately prepare them to leave the home. Because of this attitude, parents become overprotective and fail to give their children the growing independence, skills, and responsibility that they need. As a result, they are not equipped for life in the outside world. Even after they marry they may be psychologically or financially dependent upon their parents, and this hinders their ability to leave, cleave, and establish a one-flesh relationship in marriage.
Another unbiblical attitude is reflected in the problem of parents who build their entire lives and marriages around their children. Too many parents seek to fulfil their own ambitions and dreams by identifying themselves with their children and living their lives through them. This vicarious attempt to find fulfilment always leads to frustration and disappointment because the children rarely meet such expectations and leave home so soon. It also places them under an intolerable demand of performance standards that they are physically, emotionally, or mentally incapable of attaining. Perhaps the most difficult biblical principle to apply as a parent is the need to accept your children as they are. Your true source of identity is in Christ, not your children. Your child may not be as physically or mentally capable as you would like, but if you realize that he is God's possession and not yours, you can accept him for who he is. The practice of this truth can liberate your children from the fear of rejection and failure. If you as parents have not formally given your children over to the Lord, why not do it now?
Priorities:
Perhaps the greatest ongoing challenge in the practice of the Christian life is to keep one's priorities in the biblical order. It is easy to let the good become the enemy of the best by making a career or a ministry supremely important. When this happens, we begin to neglect our personal devotional lives, our husbands or wives, and our children. The scriptural priority sequence is clear: God first, family second, career- ministry third. We should regularly remind ourselves of this order and examine the way we spend our time in light of it. This may mean the elimination of unnecessary responsibilities and the limitation of outside activities. Good children are the product of careful cultivation, and this requires time.
Purpose:
The Christian home has been called "a laboratory for the application of biblical truth in a relational setting." It is a training ground for the impartation of values, for learning how to give and receive love, and for the development of relationships. Parents are responsible to provide for their children's material needs (family finances are discussed in the booklet on stewardship). But they have also been entrusted with the responsibility of shaping their children's character and guiding their spiritual, psychological, intellectual, emotional, and physical growth. This is not to be left by default to outside institutions. The primary spiritual and moral training of children should be in the home, not in the church or school.
What do you want for your children? It is important to think through your basic objectives as a parent. Without specific objectives and goals to carry them out, parenting can become a hit-and-miss affair. What kind of adult do you want your child to become? Add your own objectives to the following list and then prioritize them:
___Self-acceptance
___Obedience
___Financial responsibility
___Healthy relationships with others
___Discovery and development of spiritual gifts
___Vital walk with the Lord
___Respect for authority
___Growing responsibility
___Generosity in giving
___Good stewardship of time and talent
What are you currently doing to accomplish these objectives in the lives of your children? More than anything else, we should want to present our children to the Lord as people who will love and serve Him. We don't have all the answers, but we do have biblical principles and a relationship with God who alone can provide the competence, compassion, and control we need to raise our children in the "discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4).
The Atmosphere of the Christian Home
A home that is characterized by the presence of Christ should be attractive, not repellent. There should be an atmosphere of love, acceptance, openness, forgiveness, and honesty. The Christian home is at its best when it is a positive place of fun, constructive and creative activities, encouragement, enjoyment, and relaxed attitudes. This becomes possible when Christ is the cohesive factor in the life of a family and when parents set the example of personal commitment to Him.
When Christlike attitudes prevail in parents, each member of the household is made to feel that he or she is an important part of the family. Husbands and wives are to model before their children the qualities of mutual respect and concern for one another in the Lord. As this atmosphere extends to their relationship with their children, they will sincerely respect the worth and uniqueness of each child. This recognition of the individuality and dignity of each family member is manifested in a positive and encouraging attitude. When people are sarcastic rather than supportive, relationships disintegrate. Since it takes about five positive comments to overcome one negative remark, it is important for parents to be on their children's teams, not on their backs. They should avoid favouritism and comparisons of one child with another. It is especially important for parents to openly admit their mistakes and ask forgiveness from their children when they embarrass or insult them, break a promise, or mistreat them. In this way, honesty and esteem for each individual become ingrained in the thinking of the children.
Here are some additional suggestions for improving the atmosphere of the home:
• Be supportive of each other as parents and do not undermine your parental authority by contradicting one another in the presence of the children. If you disagree with the way your husband or wife handled a situation, discuss it later if possible.
• Ask yourself, "Am I fun to live with?" If the answer is no, what needs to be changed?
• Allow children to grow and learn at their own rate. Encourage, but don't push.
• As a parent, stay in a learning mode. You can learn much from your children. Be willing to change your behaviour, your perspectives, and your attitudes.
• Periodically have a family council to encourage the expression of opinions and problems.
• Have one or more family pets.
• Do not let your children play one parent against the other.
• Practice biblical forgiveness without nursing grudges or dwell- ing on the past.
• Treat your children with courtesy; compliment and encourage them whenever possible.
• Support the creative expression of each member of the family through hobbies, lessons, and the development of skill and talent.
Spiritual and Personal Development
Deuteronomy 6 outlines an essential program for the spiritual development of children. One of the prerequisites is found in verses 4-5: "Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might." As parents, we cannot impart to our children what we ourselves do not possess. Unless we have a growing relationship with God in Christ, we cannot expect our children to desire the same. The first prerequisite to being a godly parent is to love God with our minds, emotions, and wills, and this requires an ongoing relationship of trust, dependence, and communion with the Lord (see the booklet on the spiritual life). It is only as we respond to God's love that we can walk in it; spiritual vitality must be in our hearts before it can be in our homes.
A second prerequisite is found in verse 6: "And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart." We must not only respond to God's love, but also to His Word. Scripture speaks to every dimension of life, and our effectiveness in any area depends on the degree to which we know and apply relevant biblical principles. If we try to raise children by doing what comes naturally, we will be ineffective.
A third prerequisite to the spiritual development of children is a readiness to share experiences of God's work in our lives (verses 20-23), particularly in specific answers to prayer.
In effect, then, we are living models for our children. What we are communicates far more than what we say; spirituality is more caught than taught. The intimacies of home life soon expose an artificial front, so there is little point in teaching what we do not practice. We must demonstrate with our lives the reality of our faith. The greater the correspondence between what we are and what we say, the more completely our children will identify with our standards. If parents are committed to growth and positive spiritual change, their children will pick that up. If they are committed to the importance of seeing others come to Christ, their children will also learn by that. Children will not walk in the ways of God simply because they are told to do so. They respond to reality, not to lip service or pretence. Few things are more confusing than people who give good advice but set bad examples.
It has been observed that no little child will think more of God than he thinks of his father. If a father ignores his child, is unkind to his wife, or is unfair, the child will have a problem with a distorted image of God. Modelling is the most effective method of teaching, whether for good or ill. A healthy view of God is best communicated by parents who have allowed the Holy Spirit to make them authentic, loving, Christlike people. This requires nothing less than total dependence upon the Lord. Apart from His power, we are incapable of fulfilling the high calling of Christian parenthood. This is especially true of the single parent who often has less free time and yet must fill the dual role of father and mother. We should be praying on a daily basis for our families and with our families.
Deuteronomy 6:7 provides a foundational principle for the spiritual development of children: "and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up." This is the "teach-talk" principle--teaching refers to formal instruction and talking refers to informal instruction. In both cases, the communication of biblical truth takes place in a relational setting.
As we have seen, we must live our convictions, but we must also explain them. There is a danger in some evangelical homes of religious activities becoming so church-oriented that they become a substitute for Christian teaching in the home. The Scriptures, however, commission parents to be the primary vehicle for the inculcation of the Christian world view in the thinking and behaviour of their children. It is their responsibility to teach their sons and daughters to know and pursue the ways of God. Thus God said of Abraham, "For I have chosen him, in order that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing righteousness and justice; in order that the Lord may bring upon Abraham what He has spoken about him" (Gen. 18:19). The other side of this coin is God's judgment upon the house of Eli because of his failure to rebuke his sons for their godless behaviour: "For I have told him that I am about to judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knew, because his sons brought a curse on themselves and he did not rebuke them" (1 Sam. 3:13). Eli was a devoted priest but a defective parent. His indifference as a father led not only to his children's downfall, but also his own. Parental instruction must be corrective as well as preventive. If we do not shape our children's thinking and values, someone else will.
Parents communicate biblically when they train their children to relate the Word of God to practical, everyday life. "A father tells his sons about Thy faithfulness" (Isa. 38:18b). Formal times of teaching can be associated with family worship (see below). But the informal times of teaching that arise spontaneously in the circumstances of life are even more important. We can make spiritual knowledge pleasing (Prov. 15:2) by being creative and by looking for receptive and teachable moments. Everyday incidents can become effective vehicles for communicating biblical truth. If parents only acknowledge God at grace before meals, children will get the impression that God is not very important. But if they sprinkle their conversation at various times in the day with talk of God and His Word, children will see that all of life relates to the Lord.
A second foundational principle comes from Deuteronomy 6:8-9: "And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." This is the "bind-write" principle--spiritual truth must be bound up in our actions ("hand") and attitudes ("head"), and it must be inscribed in our private ("doorposts") and public ("gates") lives. In short, it must move from our hearts into our homes, and from our homes into our habits. When it is woven into the fabric of our lives, it affects every aspect of our character, and Christian character becomes contagious when children see it acted out every day. Joshua illustrated this principle when he said, "but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Josh. 24:15b).
Evangelism and Discipleship
Our children are a gift from God (Ps. 127:3), and He has temporarily entrusted them into our care. Part of our God-given responsibility as parents is to evangelize and disciple our children. We need to pray for them and ask for insight into their character so that we can raise them in the most appropriate and individual way. And at some point, each child should be privately confronted with the claims of Christ on his life. In a real sense, evangelism should begin in the home and reach out from the home into the community.
Similarly, if we disciple other people and fail to disciple our own children, our ministry will reflect the wrong priorities. First, we must integrate the Word of God into our own lives, second into our families, and third into others. We are responsible to teach our children the skill of making practical decisions based on biblical principles. We are also the primary vehicles through which children gain their self-image, and it is important that we gradually help them see who they really are in Christ. Children need to understand that as believers in Jesus, they are unconditionally accepted and loved by Him and that they have eternal worth and significance.
2006. To be contd,
