You may be single, but today’s message will help to point you in the right direction should you get married and have kids in the future. You may be older or widowed. These principles are ones that you can pass along to your kids and to your grandchildren.
The family is under attack from all sides in this culture in which we live, and one of the reasons why families are disintegrating is because of a lack of joy. This flies directly in the face of what Jesus said would be the byproduct of those who follow Him. In John 10:10 Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” In other words, Christians should be having more fun and have more joy than anyone else. Why? Because your past is forgiven and because your future is settled and secure. So it stands to reason that we should stand out from the rest of society because, as Christians, we are experiencing this “life to the full,” that it should multiply within our homes as there are several there who are living in this community of faith within your home.
Several years ago I spoke for a conference for pastors and for their spouses, and the event was held at a very nice resort. Throughout our stay I was intrigued by the name badges each employee wore. All the badges had the employee’s name, of course, but below it was not their hometown or the department they worked in. Instead below their name was the word passion, and next to it was what their passion in life was. You can imagine that some of them had music, others had travel, (and) others had golf. I became friends with one jovial employee that week whose passion was food and no one questioned his honesty. (Laughter) And the novelty of the name badges generated a lot of conversation during that week. On our last day, out of curiosity, I asked the manager, “What is the most prevalent passion that you have among your employees?” And he said, “Oh, that’s easy.” He said, “That’s a piece of cake. Hands down, by far, it’s family.”
But here’s the irony. Most people would claim that family is their Number One priority next to the Lord, but why then don’t more children feel important to their parents? Why don’t families spend time together? Why are we going in so many different directions?
Is it just me or do you see the distractions and diversions of this world sucking the life out of families? And in a world of electronic devises and hectic schedules and temptation at every turn, the family is suffering.
Someone said, “If Satan can’t make you bad, he’ll keep you busy.” And he has. And we’re so exhausted that we drag ourselves through our days, we fall into bed, and then we get up the next morning and we do it all over again. And joy and fulfillment has been replaced by worry and hurry.
I tried to think of a way that would be easy for us to recall some building blocks for constructing a joyful home. I want you to think today of a pyramid, and I want you to think about the base of that pyramid – the foundation – being a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. You say, “Why is that the foundation for a joyful home?” Well, that’s easy. It’s because Christ is the source of our joy.
And I want you to go back in your mind. The year is around 62 AD. The Apostle Paul is sitting in a musty, smelly room, seated on a dirty floor. The Bible tells us he’s chained to a prison guard. He has no freedom. He has bad food. He has limited visitation. He has failing health. And it’s in the midst of that setting that the Apostle Paul pens these words: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” Be content regardless of your situation.
Joy? Contentment in that setting? Some of you are saying, “Well, in all truthfulness, I struggle with this area. I couldn’t be happy in those circumstances.” Maybe you’re thinking, “I mean, just on my way into church, I’ve already complained about my parking spot and the heat outside and the fact that Kyle’s not preaching.” You know? (Laughter)
Read this out loud with me. Take a look at Philippians 4:4. Read this with me: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” I love the way The Message paraphrased this. It says, “Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in Him!”
From an earthly perspective, Paul should’ve been the last person on earth to have joy. The joyless person thinks he will only be happy if his circumstances all perfectly line up. “If I get that promotion, if I land that job, if I get the girl, if I’m able to retire early…” We have our litany of lists. But that’s not where joy comes from. Paul says in Philippians 4:11-13: “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.”
That’s the secret! Christ is the One who gives the strength. Christ is the One who gives us the joy. It comes from the inside out. His joy is within you. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. That means that when you are joyful you are walking in the Spirit.
I visited a friend of mine in the hospital this week. She’s a vibrant gal in her forties but she suffered a stroke. But to talk to her, she’s so upbeat and she’s so grateful. The stroke may have taken her mobility in some ways, but it hasn’t robbed her of her joy.
Here’s what I want you to remember: Happiness is dependent on happenings but joy depends on your relationship with Christ. That’s so true!
About six weeks ago we were over at a couples’ home. They go to Southeast, and we were over there for pre-prom pictures that were gonna be taken with dozens of teenagers and dozens more parents. And we all kind of packed in there, and they have a nice place and they use it to encourage so many people. But while I was there in their kitchen, I saw this on their wall: (And I asked them if I could take a picture of it, and they said, “Sure.”) “Home: Where your story begins.” And I loved it and I said, “This might fit into my family series, or it might fit into our Story series.”
Well, little did any of us know that night that two weeks later, when the storms rolled through the Kentuckiana Area, on that morning that lightning would cause an electrical fire and damage about half of that house and most everything that was inside of the house.
But this couple has a great attitude. They are out of their home for the next nine months but they have a joy about them that I rarely see. They are thankful and grateful that no one was hurt. They are thankful that people were all able to get out of the house. And the parents and the three boys have chosen to see it more as an adventure rather than as an inconvenience.
Why is that their response? Well, it’s because happiness is dependent on happenings and because joy is dependent upon Jesus Christ—that relationship that we have with Him. And they are also wise enough to realize that their house was destroyed but not their home. And there’s a difference. And so the story begins at home and it continues.
Now as we progress through the different sections of this pyramid, you’ll notice that not everyone will be able to have the other pieces of the pyramid. But you can control the very first one. You can control the foundation. You have control over that. You can have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. And it’s the most important one, and if you have this one, it’s the one that can make the difference.
But another key building block to having a joyful home is right smack-dab in the middle of the pyramid, and that is a Christ-centered marriage—a Christ-centered marriage. There are a lot of marriages that start off that way, but in the years to come, when children come on the scene, something happens. And do you know what takes place? In some homes there is this transition and it moves from being a Christ-centered home to becoming a child-centered home. And you say, “Well, what’s bad about that?” Well, it can cause a lot of tension between the husband and wife, because now they are consumed with pouring into the kids. They use the children’s activities as a diversion from having deep conversations. They never pour into each other. They never go on a date night. They never have anyone watch the kids. Everything is all about the kids. They fail to resolve conflicts because they are so consumed with just taking care of the needs of the little ones as they get older.
In his book The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller says that it’s crucial to be Christ-centered because “the moment you marry someone, you and your spouse begin to change in profound ways, and you can’t know who your spouse will actually be in the future until you get there. But a Christ-centered marriage allows us not to worry about this, but to be excited to see all that God is going to do in our marriages.” There is joy in that.
I love that passage in Ecclesiastes chapter 4. You hear it at a lot of different weddings. It goes through “Two are better than one, because you get a great return on your work. (And) If one lies down, the other can keep them warm.” It’s a great marriage passage. But then it wraps up with this verse in Ecclesiastes 4:12: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” All through the passage it’s talking about two…two, two, two…and then all of a sudden three is introduced, and it says, “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” When you have a Christ-centered marriage, He becomes the third strand. He is what keeps you together. He is what brings joy into your home. And this is an opportunity for your marriage and your family to flourish.
Now God created man and woman quite differently. That’s no surprise. Most men communicate by looking for a solution. We’re looking for the facts. We want to bring resolution. They want to get things solved. And women don’t communicate that way at all. They want to communicate through their feelings.
So for example, if I were to go play golf this afternoon, go to eat with some friends and then come home at nine o’clock; and Beth is there at the door. When I come walking in and say, “Hey, how are you, Hon?” She says, “Oh, I am so tired. I don’t know why. I’m just so tired.” I would probably look at her and say, “Well, go to bed.” That’s the wrong answer. And for those of you who are married, you understand that that’s the wrong answer. (Laughter) That’s not what she wants to hear. But in my mind I’ve solved the problem. What she wants me to say is, “Oh, Honey, I’m sorry you’re tired. Are you stressed about something? You know what? Let’s just sit down here on the couch. Let me take the batteries out of the remote control. You sit down here. Take your shoes off. Let me give you a foot massage and you tell your Snuggle Bug what’s wrong.” (More laughter) That’s what she wants. But it’s a lot easier to say, “Hey, go to bed.” (More laughter) A man’s goal is to fix the problem. You give me a problem; I will fix it, okay? I’m gonna find a solution. But if I offer solutions, I may think I’m helping but what she really needs is for someone to listen to her as she talks it out, someone just to be there for her.
Gary Smalley says it like this: (I love this!) “Give her your shoulder, not your mouth.”
A number of years ago back when our kids were quite young, for Christmas someone graciously gave Beth and me a gift certificate to stay at a hotel here in town. So I spent a couple of weeks making certain everything was all lined up, and we had the kids farmed out to different homes so that they could be with friends. We had the drop-off times all figured out. I made reservations at a nice restaurant. We went out for this romantic dinner. After the dinner we went and checked in at this nice, swanky hotel. We went up to the room, she sat down on the bed and she started talking. And she started sharing with me some things she appreciated about me in our marriage, but then she started talking about things that she felt like I needed to work on. (Laughter) And she talked about some concerns that she had about the use of my time, and we had a two-hour deep discussion right there.
Now I’ve got to be honest with you. When I lined up babysitters, when I made reservations at the restaurant, when we checked into the hotel—it was not at the top of my agenda to have a two-hour discussion on marriage. (Laughter) In fact, it wasn’t even on my agenda. (More laughter) But that’s what we did because that’s what she needed. And the more we talked, the more I realized that’s what I needed too, and it was the best thing for our marriage. And we discussed our weaknesses and our strengths. And Beth is so perceptive to discern that we needed to have that talk. No yelling, no threats, no major overhaul—just some tweaks and some adjustments to help move things in the right direction.
That was fifteen years ago, and those occasional events are the reason that we move from having a mediocre marriage to having a good marriage to having a thriving marriage. And the same can happen in your home.
But there are times when you must go out on a limb with your spouse and transparently and honestly communicate what is on your heart. It might seem like an interruption and you might start to be defensive, but hopefully it will cause us to listen and to change.
Chip Ingram says, “Marriage is not a debate to be won. It is a dance to be enjoyed.”
My friend Ronnie Cordrey says that “if the spouse places a higher priority on the kids rather than on their mate, it will cause problems years later when you have an empty nest.” He said, “The kids will grow up; they will leave home, and you will look at each other and you have nothing to talk about.” He said, “What that shows is that all those years of marriage your marriage was side-by-side instead of face-to-face.”
That’s why we need to have a Christ-centered marriage where prayer is a part of that relationship, with constant tweaks and constant improvements and just honest communication asking, “How can I be a better spouse?”
Find comfort and strength in Philippians 1:6. The apostle Paul says it like this: “Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
You see, the stability and joy in your marriage is key for the stability and joy for your children and for your family. Many of you are single parents and you’re trying to overcome the conflict and tension that used to be present in that rough relationship that you were a part of. And now you’ve found after the divorce that there still is conflict and there still is frustration. It still exists maybe just in a different form. Maybe it’s over the custody. Maybe it’s over the fact that your ex is with someone else now and that they don’t parent the way that you would want your kids parented. And single parents would echo my words and tell you that a Christ-centered marriage would improve the joy in your home.
I would say to those of you who are in that situation, my heart goes out to you. But make wise decisions in the setting that you find yourself in. And don’t just whisper an “amen” with the comments that are made here. You make certain that you’re making wise choices that set you up for a Christ-centered marriage should God bring that your direction. That means that the only people you date are people who have a sold-out relationship with Jesus Christ.
Well, the best way to have a joyful family is to have that base of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and then to have a Christ-centered marriage, and finally to have children who understand their purpose. You see, our children are fed a steady diet that they are here by accident, that they’re the result of a cosmic explosion or that they evolved from a monkey. And yet we wonder why our young people struggle with their self-image and they struggle with discovering their purpose in life and who they are?
People say, “Well, you live, you die—that’s all there is to it. There’s nothing more; there’s nothing less.” If that’s true, what a futile existence this life would be. That’s why our children need to know who they are and why they are here. God created them. He created each of us in His image, in His likeness. Psalm 139 says, “He knit you together in your mother’s womb.”
The Bible shows us how to live and even shares guardrails to protect us. But you know what? This Book becomes an affront to our pride. We know better than what some book that was written thousands of years ago has to say. But Solomon says in Proverbs 14:12, “There is a way that seems right.” There is a way that appears to be right, “but in the end it leads to death.” So teach your children who they are and teach them why they are here.
We are put on this earth to bring glory and honor to God. That is our general purpose. That is God’s general will for us and for our children.
God’s specific will for your kids will take many different routes. You have to look at about five different things. One, the spiritual gifts that your child has been given. You also have to see what their heart or what their passion is for. Thirdly, they see what their natural abilities are that God has given to them. What are they good at? Fourthly, look at their personality and temperament. How has God made them and wired them? And the fifth thing you have to look at is your experiences and say, “What are the different things that have happened that God has brought into my life? How could I use that and all these other things to mesh together to give God glory?” Because that’s why we’re here. We are here to glorify God. That’s what we’re here to do on this earth.
But it stretches far beyond earth because someday that theme will continue even into the next life. We will stand before the throne of God, fall to our knees, and kneel before Him. We will say, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.”
Joy in the home comes when you understand who you are and why you are here. That’s why we talked a few weeks ago about having a Family Mission Statement. When your kids discover what their mission and their purpose in life is, it can be incredibly fulfilling, and the result is joy.
But I’ve got to tell you, the church must improve in this area of marriage and family. The influence and the power of the church are negated when our marriages look like the world’s. George Barna says that the current statistics on divorce and marriage are quite similar for both the unchurched and also for the churched.
So we can come in here and we can say, “Yes, boy, I agree with what Dave is saying. I agree with what the Bible teaches.” And we can give it lip service, but if we don’t flesh it out in our lives…I mean, if we don’t really take seriously what it means to have a Christ-centered marriage and to teach our kids who they are and why they are here…and if we don’t live it out…I mean, we are fooling ourselves.
And the reason that this is so important in our culture at this time is that when it comes to Biblical truth and the sacredness of marriage, our voice, as Christians and as the church, is muted if our marriages don’t reflect the values that we espouse in Christ. What is the purpose of the church if we look like the rest of the world? What is the benefit of a body of believers if we merely come together for a weekly dose of information and inspiration but we never truly allow transformation to take place in our marriages and in our homes and our families? Usually we run into trouble when we try to do it all on our own. And we say, “God, I got this. I got this figured out.” And we’re not willing to get help from Him. That’s when the trouble starts. Alone leads to a fragmented relationship—not just from your spouse but also from your Heavenly Father.
I started running again. I know you all don’t call it running…what I do…but I started jogging again…might be more accurate. I’ll say it that way. And thus far my knees are hanging in there. I started it about a month ago. But my son introduced me to this app that I have downloaded to my phone. It’s called the Nike GPS® App. I downloaded it on my phone, and it has really changed my running; because you can listen to music, and to podcasts while you’re running. Every mile a voice interrupts the podcast and it says, “You have completed one mile. Way to go!” You can press a button and you can get cheers if you’re having a hard time. (Dave cheering; Audience laughing) You know? I mean, it’s hilarious all the different things it can do. But it allows you to keep track of exactly how far you’ve gone, how long it’s taken you to run that.
The other day I was in the middle of a podcast. I ran two miles, and I got done and I was exhausted. And I stretched for a minute and I got in my car. I was still listening to the podcast and I’m driving on the interstate and the voice says, “Congratulations! You’ve just run the fastest three miles you’ve ever run.” (Laughter) Oh, sure. If you’re in a car it’s a lot easier, you know?
But my wife has been working out for nearly a year, and in the past years when we would run together I was a lot faster than she was so we wouldn’t run together because of that. But now we run at about the same pace as I’m getting back into this. And can I tell you…? For the last few weeks…I mean, it has been so much fun. We run together. We run side-by-side. We get to talk with each other for the first couple hundred yards. (Laughter) We breathe together. We look at each other.
But guess what I’ve discovered? In my GPS the statistics on it would bear this to be true. I have discovered that when I have my wife right by my side on that journey I run faster, I go farther and it’s much more fulfilling.
And I think you will find the same is true in your marriage. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be some bumps along the way. It doesn’t ensure that one of you will never get off the path. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be some shin-splints and some sprained ankles and some scrapes from some branches. But it does mean that you’ll be able to go faster, farther and be more fulfilled. And if there is joy in your marriage, it will spill over to your family.
Third John 1:4 says, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”
But can I make a painful observation? By the same token, there is no greater disappointment for a Christian parent than when their child is not walking in the truth. And my prayers and my heart goes out to all the families in this church… It’s not easy these days. It is tough. But if we continue to turn to God’s Word, if we rely upon one another, if we trust in the Spirit of God, if we allow Him to dictate our decisions and we trust in what His plan is for our life rather than what our own agenda is—incredible things can happen. And my prayer is that you will become the family that God wants you to be: not a perfect family and not a pretend family but a family who loves the Lord.
I want to close this series by praying for every couple who is married, regardless of your age, even if your spouse is not in this service with you, if they’re serving somewhere, even if they’re not here with you. I want to pray for everyone who is currently separated. I want to pray for every grandparent in this room. I want to pray for every single parent. And I’m gonna ask you to stand if you fall into any of those categories. If you’re a single parent, if you’re a married parent, if you’re a separated parent, if you’re a grandparent, would you stand and let me pray for you? (Audience members standing throughout the auditorium) Let’s bow together.
Lord, we know that Satan has a bull’s eye on a lot of different couples and a lot of different people in this room. There are people who are divorced that maybe You could work a miracle in as You’ve done before in some different families in this church where we remarried and reunited couples who were divorced. There are people who are separated who are standing right now, and they say, “I give up. Man, there is nothing that could be done to restore this relationship.” They just haven’t tried You yet, Lord. Will You help them to have the courage to say, “I’ll give You a shot. Give You a chance, Lord. Do what You can do.”
There are people who are standing here, Lord, who have great marriages. Will You continue them on that path? They have joy in their home. There are others who are standing right in the very same row beside them and…man, love is not there. And the challenges are there and all they can see are the obstacles instead of seeing how they could rebuild that relationship. Will You remind them of their vows? For better, for worse, for rich or for poor, in sickness and health. Will You bring healing where there has been hurt? Will You bring hope where there is despair? Will You bring love where it is nonexistent?
And Lord, there are a lot of parents who are standing and there are a lot of prodigals out there. And they scan the horizon day and night just longing for a child, a teenager, a twenty-something or a thirty-something son or daughter just to return to their faith and to return to their roots. Will You give those parents a glimmer of hope? Will You assure those parents that they can make it with Your help as they lean on You? And will You help their child’s heart to be receptive to the Gospel?
And Lord, above all else may our spouse and our children and our grandchildren sense and see that You are our passion. It’s in Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.
If the others of you would just stand and join with them, alongside of them… Maybe you’ve never turned your life over to Christ. Maybe you did some time ago but you’ve gotten off of that path. And you’re off of that trail and you need to return and get back with the One that you need to be united with and run with, and that’s Jesus Christ. There are others of you who have never turned your life over to Jesus, and today could be the day. I mean, this could be the day for you. I pray that you will not walk out of this room without making a decision and making certain that you’re in a right relationship with your Heavenly Father. Others of you need to say, “I want to be a part of this church family.” Whatever your decision might look like, you meet me down front as we worship together.
Unless otherwise noted: "Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. 2012, Southeast Christian Church of Jefferson County, Kentucky, Inc. Provided by license agreement for non-commercial use by authorized users only.
Accompanying Resources for the series by Dave Stone:
Raising Your Kids to Love the Lord (2012 Dave Stone, Thomas Nelson Publishers)
Building Family Ties with Faith, Love & Laugher (2012 Dave Stone, Thomas Nelson Publishers)
How to Raise Selfless Kids in a Self-Centered World (2013 Dave Stone, Thomas Nelson Publishers)
www.pastordavestone.com; www.southeastchristian.org
