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“LIVING GOD’S WILL IN MARRIAGE”
Ephesians 5:18-31
INTRODUCTION:
Two weeks ago, we considered the question of discovering God’s will for marriage. Our conclusion was, that it is not about finding God’s will for marriage, rather God is preparing you to become His will by working in you and through you to become the person God wants to use in your marriage.
The question that arises among many couples is after a few years, months or weeks, is HAVE I MISSED GODS WILL?
God has a plan for every marriage and every couple in a marriage relationship.
In Ephesians 5:18, Paul exhorts the belivers to “Be very careful, then, how you live not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.
Literally the phrase, be careful, means “looking around.” The Greek word carries the idea of precision and accuracy. It means, “See that you walk carefully, with exactness”.
The opposite would be walking carelessly and without proper guidance and forethought. We cannot leave the Christian life to chance. We must make wise decisions and seek to do the will of God. If this is true of life, it is especially true of marriage and our families.
Paul appeared to be saying, “Don’t walk in your sleep! Wake up! Open your eyes! Make the most of the day! In other words don’t just know what God’s will is…
Understand what Gods will is.
“Understanding” suggests using our minds to discover and do the will of God. God has a plan for your life and for your marriage and family. God wants you and I to not only know the facts but understand how we should live in accordance with His revealed will.
God’s will is revealed through prayer, circumstsances and most of all HIS WORD.
God’s word reveals 5 Practical ways to manage our marriage and family relationships!
The first imperative for knowing God’s will in marriage is…
1) Be Spirit-Controlled Completely, v.18
Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit,
It is only through the power of the Holy Spirit that we can walk in harmony as husbands and wives.
“Be filled with the Spirit” is God’s command. The command is plural, so it applies to all Christians and not just to a select few. The verb is in the present tense — “keep on being filled” — so it is an experience we should enjoy constantly and not just on special occasions. And the verb is passive. We do not fill ourselves but permit the Spirit to fill us.
Filled means “controlled by.” To be “filled with the Spirit” means to be constantly controlled by the Spirit in our mind, emotions, and will.
We have a choice to make Paul says. We can trust in the things and pleasures of the world to bring us happiness and fulfillment, or we can be filled with the Spirit.
We can either be controlled by the dictates of the flesh or by the power of the Holy Spirit who resides in us by faith.
Paul illustrates being controlled by the flesh as being drunk with wine. It is a temporary expereince that only ends in destruction and devestatiion
When Paul uses the metaphor of drunkenness, he is contrasting the difference between walking according to the flesh and be filled by the Holy Spirit. The choice is ours whether we will obey.
To walk according to the flesh is basically saying, I want life my way, and I will live it accordingly.
I have read how the Inuit in Canada and Greenland have traditionally hunted bear.
They will take a bone, preferably a wolf bone, and they will sharpen it at both ends.
Then they will coil it through the process, freeze it in blubber and lay it across one of the paths the bears travel. As the bear comes along he smells the blubber and in one gulp he takes it and swallows it, not knowing that it is just blubber on the outside, but on the inside there’s a sharp twisted, sharpened bone. And the minute he swallows it he’s dead. He doesn’t drop down just yet, but every move he makes, every step he takes, causes that bone to twist and to slash and to tear and the internal bleeding starts and the hunters just follow the tracks of that bear until it finally dies.
It’s the same as the person who says, “I’m going to save my life, I’m going to keep my life for myself, I’m going to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, How I wish to do it. In others words, like the song says, “I’m going to do it my way.’
Ladies and gentleman if that is the theme song of your life or your marriage, then you may have enjoyment for the moment, but listen to God’s conclusion, ‘It will ruin your life ( and marriage)’.
Paul wrote that the Spirit’s fullness is also needed in the home. If our homes are to be a heaven on earth, then we must be controlled, filled and led by the Holy Spirit.
How do we know that the Holy Spirit is filling my life and family?
2) Speak to one another CAREFULLY, v.19-20
One of the characteristics of a Spirit filled marriage is JOYFULNESS. Paul says that the outflow of a spirit filled life will be
singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts.
This joy does not come automatically. Neither is it predicated on circumstances. Our joy comes from within and is fueled by an attitude of thankfulness.
20 …give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
The motto of many couples is that the goal of marriage is to be happy. The underlying thought is as long as my wife fulfills my needs and makes me happy I will stay.
However, marriage is not the fairy tale ending where everyone lives happily ever after. We have the divorce stats to prove this.
Notice the words in these passages; ALWAYS, CONTINUALLY, and IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. He is talking about a continual attitude for Christians - an attitude of the heart. How we are to be to each other.
To be thankful in all circumstances, we need a proper perspective of our circumstances and of our God. Only then we will be able to give thanks to the Lord always.
Now, I believe there are at least three attitudes that steal away our gratitude. Three things that keep us from being thankful.
One is our pride. This is the attitude that says, "Nobody ever gave me anything, I worked hard for everything I have."
For years you studied hard and now it is finally paying off. With this kind of attitude, we feel that we have no one to thank but ourselves.
Another attitude that keeps us from being thankful is a critical spirit or constant complaining. Instead of being grateful, this person will always find something to complain about.
A third attitude that keeps us from being grateful is complacency. Someone once said that if the stars only came out once a year, we would stay out all night to watch them. But they are there every night and we have grown accustomed to them.
The opposite of complacency is contentment.
The secret to having a thankful attitude is found in where we choose to get our contentment from. Paul gives us the secret to contentment in Philippinas 4,
I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I
know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every
situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Some people mistakenly confuse contentment with complacency. I think Warren Wiersbe hits it right on when he writes, Contentment is not complacency, nor is it a false peace based on ignorance. The complacent believer is unconcerned about others, while the contented Christian wants to share his blessings.
Complacency says hide, ignore or run from the problems. Contentment says you will stand and face difficulties and challenges with the abiding peace of the Spirit of God holding you.
You can expereince heaven in the home when you are filled with the Spirit completely, when you speak to one another CAREFULLY, and thirdly when you…
3) Submit to one another Mutually, v.21-23
Submission is not a popular word in modern language. Whether it is politics, education, the workplace or marriage no one wants to think in terms of submitting to anyone.
The word creates images of a boorish husband pushing his weight around the home, while the wife acquiesces to his demands by cleaning the floors and meeting all of his needs
Illustration: Husband and wife at the doctors. Doctor instructs the wife to attend to all of her husbands needs. When the husband asks what the doctor said, her reply is, “You’re going to die’
Paul applied the principle of harmony to husbands and wives (Eph_5:21-33), parents and children (Eph_6:1-4), and masters and servants (Eph_6:5-9); and he began with the admonition that each submit to the other (Eph_5:21). Does this suggest that the children tell the parents what to do, or that the masters obey the servants? Of course not! Submission has nothing to do with the order of authority, but rather governs the operation of authority, how it is given and how it is received.
As Paul wrote these words family life in the Roman empire was in shambles. Divorce and adultery were running rampant and marriage was in danger of a complete and utter breakdown. If this message has any relevance to any generation, it is ours. In Pauls day as in ours, men did not want to be leaders and women did not want to be led.
Paul begins this teaching with the bold statement, ‘Submitting to one another in the fear of God.’
A lot of problems that arise concerning this passage because we begin at verse 22 instead of verse 21, where Paul says that the husbands and wives both are to ‘submit to one another in the fear of Christ.’
Most of the problems in understanding submission has to do with wrongly interpreting this as a struggle over power in the marriage relationship, i.e. ‘who’s in charge the husband or the wife.?’
The answer is, neither! The correct answer is that Jesus is to be in charge. HE is to be the head of every marriage just as he is head iof the church.
Sadly submission has been used by too m any men as an excuse to push their weight around in the home. Submission does not justify abusive behavior, nor does it permit the wife to usurp or manipulate her husband’s leadership under Christ.
John Stott- ‘on v.24, ‘There is nothing demeaning about this., for her submission is not to be an unthinking obedience to his rule but rather it I a grateful acceptance of his care.’
The phrase which gives submission its power, is ‘Unto the Lord’
How does this look for the marriage relationship?
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the
head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. .. each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Perhaps no other passage is quoted during arguments between husband and wife. But men, notice that no where does it say , ‘husband , tell your wives to submit.’ Instead Paul speaks to husbands and wives individually and asks each one to work on their own attitudes.
Wives learn to submit to their husbands from watching their husbands submit to the Lord. It should go without saing that any man who does not love or submit himself to Jesus, has do right that his wife will submit to him. So ultimately if your wife is not submissive to you it may be your fault, because you are not more submissive to the Lord.
So then, what does it mean to submit? While this verse may be hard to swallow it is not hard to understand. Many people interpret verse 22 to support the idea, ‘husbands make all the important decisions in the relationship.’ That is not what this verse means. Husbands, if you are making any important decisions without the advice of your wife, you’re asking for trouble. God did not put the woman in your life so that yu could ignore her input.
Mutual submission means that decisions are made by both partners for unselfish reasons. When disagreements occur, the husband does not automatically have the deciding vote. It is wisdom to consider your wifes insights and then as you both bring the matter to the Lord in prayer wait on His direction. ( llyne Snodgrass Ephesians The NIV application Commentary, Grand Rapids Zondervan 1996)
There is one last word addressed to wives found in the second part of verse 33, ‘…and let the wife see that she respects her husband.’
Although the KJV uses the word reverence, and some translations use the word fear, the Bible is talking about respect. Wives the greatest need your husband has is RESPECT.
Ladies, I want to let you in on a little secret, no ones respect means more to your husband than his wifes. While criticism makes men defensive, admiration energizes and motivates them. A man expects and needs is wife to be his greatest supporter and cheerleader.
Wives when you tell your husband that you appreciate him for what he does, it gives him more satisfaction than a paycheck. A wife needs s to be willing to appreciate her husband for what he already is, not for what she would like him to become. Ladies look for things that you can appreciate your husband for and then tell him.
In response to his submission to Christ, the husband in turn responds to his wife as he
4) Sacrificse Willingly, vv.24-27
For husbands, this means love your wives,…
I think that it is intriguing to note that only 3½ verses are devoted to the wives duties to their husbands where as 8½ verses address the husbands role. Since it takes almost nine verses to explain to men their responsibilities as compared with three for the wives, that might indicate that we men are a little bit slow on the uptake. (Women here is your chance to say Amen!)
The husband is given two models, each introduced by the word “as” (vv. 25,28)
The Lord recognizes that a woman greatness need is to feel loved. Three times in this passage Paul reminds husbands that they are to love their wives (vv. 25, 28, 33).
First, Husband’s You Are to Love Your Wives As Christ Loved the Church.
Every verb form in this verse is in the present tense and so should read, “so also are men constantly obligated to keep on loving their wives as their own bodies. The one who keeps on loving his wife keeps on loving himself.”
But just what kind of love is being described here? The Greek language in which the New Testament was originally written was a very descriptive language. Unlike English, which has only one word for love; whether you are describing you love for your dog, your favorite food or your wife, the Greek language has several different words for love.
Notice He did not use the word “philos” so he is not saying, “Men you need to have a warm fuzzy feeling about your wife.” Although I think you should, that is not the kind of love that keeps a marriage alive.
Nor did he use the word “surgase” so he is not saying, “Men you need to love your wives because they are biologically tied to you.” If you have children, she is more than the mother of your kids.
Nor did he use the word “eros,” which by the way is not found in the Bible anywhere. So he is not saying, “Men you need to work on your passionate, sexual attraction to your wife.” And although a good physical relationship is necessary in any marriage it is not the end all.
The word Paul uses here is “agape” it is the same word used to translate John 3:16, it is the God kind of Love. Now what is the God kind of love like?
5) Serve Unselfishly, vv.28-31
‘…this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.[a] 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.
“We are told in Greek histories that the wife of one of the General’s of Cyrus, the ruler of the Persia, was accused of treachery and was condemned to die. At first her husband did not know what was taking place. But as soon as he heard about it he rushed to the palace and burst into the throne room. He threw himself on the floor before the king and cried out, ‘Oh, my Lord Cyrus, take my life instead of hers. Let me die in her place.’
Cyrus, who by all historical accounts was a noble and extremely sensitive man, was touched by the offer. He said, ‘Love like that must not be spoiled by death.’ Then he gave the husband and wife back to each other and let the wife go free.
As they walked away happily the husband said to his wife, ‘Did you notice how kindly the king looked at us when he gave you the pardon?’
The wife replied, ‘I had no eyes for the king. I saw only the man who was willing to die in my place.” [James Montgomery Boice. Ephesians: An Expositional Commentary. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1988) p. 175]
That’s the kind of love that husbands are to have for their wives! Husbands you are to love your wives as Christ loved the Church
From the rather exalted picture of Christ’s love for the Church, Paul now turns in verse twenty-eight to a new picture of what the man’s love for his wife is to look like. This new picture is again identified by the word, “as.”
“So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. (29) For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church…... (33) Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself…”
Husbands you demonstrate love for your wife when you nourish and cherish her. How do you accomplish this?
Nourish Her - By Encouraging Her Spiritual Growth The passage explains how the husband is to love his wife as his own body when by saying that husbands are to “nourish” (v. 29) their wives as they do their own bodies. The word “nourish” is a word that means “to bring to maturity.” It is your job as a husband to encourage your wife’s spiritual growth.
Cherish Her - By Offering Her a Sense of Protection & Security.
The husband is not only to “nourish” his wife but also to “cherish” her, the same word (thaipei) is used in the Greek translation of the Old Testa-ment in Deut. 22:6 of a mother bird protecting (cherishing) her young. Our wives should have a sense of security because of our love relationship with them.
Application
Men if you want your wife’s respect there are five basic needs in her life that you need to see that are met. Let me tell you what they are and how you can meet them.
Here they are;
1.Affection. (H&H- Hugs and Hand Holding)
The Bible also says that ‘what we believe with our hearts we confess with our mouths” so if you love your wife tell her!
2. Conversation. (Ask her about her day and then listen)
3. Financial Security. Men your wife should not have to worry about the necessities of life.
4. Honesty and Openess. – Check in with her and always leave her away to get in touch with you!
5. Commitment to Family. Let her know by your words and your actions that your family comes first. In practical terms this means the home has to have priority in your life. The responsibility of loving your wife sacrificially may require a re-evaluation and a re-alignment of your priorities.
[Drawn from Willard F. Harley Jr. His Needs – Her Needs. (Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2002) pp. 159-160]
CONCLUSION:
In conclusion I want to ask every husband and wife a question, Do you wish to trully have heaven in your home?
Husbands will you love your wife in such a way that she will live for you?
Wives are you loving and respecting your husband in such a way that he would die for you?
RESOURCES
John Stott, The Message of Ephesians
Full Life Bible Commentary to the New testament, Ephesains
Warren Weirsbe, Heaven in Your Home
Sermoncentral
John Hamby, Mutual Submission David Sloane, Extreme Makeover: Master Bedroom
