Matthew 18:15-18
Conflict
We can name a great number of things we would like to avoid in our lives, standing before a crowd and giving a speech, going to the doctor, getting a shot, going to the dentist, and going to an IRS audit are some. One other thing most of us would do anything to avoid is . . . confrontation. When we think about confrontation . . . we think about conflict and when we think about conflict an image Jesus talked about comes to mind ~ “weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
Nobody likes to be confronted and if you’re somewhat human, you don’t like to do the confronting either. But there comes a time in life when we have to confront. This passage from Jesus gives us a great lesson for confronting fellow Christians.
There are people who begin to panic when they have to complain about something that does not work, or who need to speak to someone about something they are unhappy with. How many times have you received food in a restaurant that wasn’t very good, and either you ate it and said nothing, because deep down, and I mean deep down in your heart and soul . . . you despise conflict . . . and complaining about lousy food is worse than eating lousy food.
In his book, The Safest Place on Earth, Larry Crabb wrote, “The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but it is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. When conflict is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have the makings of spiritual community” (page 40).
That is a powerful statement by Crabb. We know conflict will always exist. Sane people hate conflict. They don’t like it because conflict means just that, it’s a clash, it means someone is angry and/or frustrated about something. And we have to deal with it. You see too often we choose not to deal with conflict. We assume if we ignore it enough, it will go away, and if it goes away, then life will be blissful. But more often than not, that is not the case.
Of course there are those people who love conflict. They thrive on it, and usually those people are the unhappiest people you’ll ever meet. They’re unhappy because they really don’t know what it’s like to experience joy, peace and love through the Holy Spirit.
Most of us would prefer to ignore and skip over this passage, but Jesus gives us a classic and effective way to resolve conflict.
There are 2 reasons conflict can be complicated in the church:
We have high expectations of others. Simply because people in the church profess to be followers of Jesus Christ, we expect a certain level of behavior from each other. But occasionally our expectations don’t get met.
Also, passions are strong in the church. People feel deeply. Church can become a very unsafe place when conflict is dealt with inappropriately. People get involved who don’t need to, friendships are sacrificed on the altar of ego, and oneness becomes a distant dream – like that tropical vacation we planned for last week which was destroyed by the hurricanes.
No church will be free of conflict. What makes or breaks churches is what they choose to do with conflict. It can drive us apart,
OR conflict can lead us to draw more fully on the resources available through the Holy Spirit.
If we would like to grow through conflict then we need to take a look at the four steps Jesus outlines in Matthew 18.
I’m going to spend all of our time talking about the first step for a few reasons. Every one of us will find ourselves in a situation where we’ll need to implement it. Also, most conflict among Christians can be cleared up at the first step. AND experience tells us that often the first step is ignored when conflict arises. Over the next weeks, we will finish talking about steps 2-4.
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Jesus’ teaching answers the question of what to do if a brother or sister sins against you. What to do is plain and easy to understand. However, we seem to get stuck in following what Jesus calls us to do.
There are 2 critical qualifiers that determine whether or not Jesus’ teaching applies.
The first qualifier is whether or not the person you are conflicted with is a brother or sister in Christ. If the person you must confront does not claim the word of God as their standard, you have no basis on which to make your claim. You might be able to appeal to their conscience, but you come with no real authority. A brother or sister in Christ, however, should have a standard to which you can call him or her to account.
Following Jesus’ plan isn’t bad at work or school, but when you’re not dealing with Christians it may not work at all. Of course, when we confront a Christian, we may experience more trouble than we bargained for. But often times when we seek to understand the other person’s personality, you will find yourself able to communicate much better.
The second qualifier is whether or not they have sinned. There is too much confrontation going on that is not based on sin. Sin is defined by the Word of God, and the Word of God alone. We live in a society where people whine and complain and grovel and gossip over things that have more to do with differences in personality and style than with sin. Jesus is not saying, "If your brother irritates you, or wears clothes you don’t like or is too out-going or doesn’t like hugs, or drives an old car or . . . well you get the point."
There is another great word in the Christian life that covers irritations: it is the word forbearance. We are to bear with one another. We all irritate and offend one another, and when we do, we are to forbear one another; we are to put up with it, and to forgive it.
So, Jesus gives a very clear, practical way of dealing with a brother who sins.
Step 1: Go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. The purpose is to win your brother over.
Maybe the greatest challenge for us in this situation is the specific directions to make it a matter between two people. Far too often, between the time of the sin and the going to show him his fault, we have conversations with others that begin with "you wouldn’t believe what so-and-so did." Or, if we want to spiritualize it, we ask, "Pray for me, I have to go and talk to so-and-so about…"
If you really do want prayer, then just ask others to pray for you to have wisdom for a difficult situation. That’s it, say no more.
If our purpose is the same as Jesus intends, we will not discuss with others the sins or conflicts we have with other believers. You see, greatness is not a competition, right? So we don’t need to publicize each other’s sins. We really only do that to build ourselves up above somebody else in our own eyes or the eyes of others. Knowing that’s a lie, there is no point in discussing it or involving others.
It will do nothing to win your brother, but it most likely will erode his confidence in you as a messenger and a friend. Go and talk to the other person doing it in love, just the two of you.
GOSSIP and TRIANGULATION
END with this discussion - This is personal.
Let me give you 6 guidelines that will help us when we need to have a private conversation:
1. Start soon — You may need some space to deal with your emotions, but don’t put off conflict for two weeks. Get things settled as soon as you can.
Jesus instructed his listeners in Matthew 5:23-24, telling them, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”
I have never seen anyone leave the altar in order to reconcile with a brother or sister in Christ. You see, to worship God is highest priority in the life of a Christian. But Jesus says, being reconciled with others takes precedence over our acts of worship. Get right with your brother or sister – then come and worship. Obviously if we need to get things straightened out with someone, that activity it would take precedence over everything else too. Appointments for work, family obligations, social plans.
Jesus wants us to know that fractured community is a matter of urgency. Take action right away.
Let’s imagine that after church all of us decide to go outside and play a giant game of softball, and while we’re playing, I break my arm. The break is visible – my arm doesn’t look the same. It’s debilitating & painful. I’m rolling on the ground in pain.
You all surround me and suggest you take me to the Emergency Room so my arm can be looked at. But I say, “No. I want to wait a couple of weeks. Maybe it will get better on its own.”
While most of us wouldn’t put off treatment on a broken arm, the normal practice in church is to postpone the treatment of broken relationships. And from God’s perspective, broken relationships among his children are far more serious than broken bones.
Do you need to have that private conversation with someone?
If so, don’t delay. Start soon. To God it’s serious.
2. Meet face to face
Technology today makes it easy to have private conversations in any number of ways. Yet, Jesus said “Go!”… “Go and show him his fault.” Jesus had a face to face conversation in mind.
Don’t email someone and hide behind your computer, don’t do it on the telephone, that all falls short from what Jesus had in mind. When you meet face to face you can better read someone’s body language and know if they are sincere.
You can use e-mail or the phone or a hand-written note to set up an appointment, but don’t rely on technology to help you have a conversation that would be better face to face.
3. Affirm the relationship
Remind the person that you are trying to resolve this conflict precisely because you care about them and about your relationship. A good way to approach the subject might be with a statement like this, “I want to discuss something that may be difficult for both of us. I value our friendship and you are too important in my life to let our relationship remain strained. I am confident that with God’s help, we can resolve this together.”
4. Make observations, not accusations
It is one thing to say, “Now, Frank, I’ve asked for that report three times and each time you promised that you would give it to me the ‘next day.’ As I understand the situation, this is a broken promise and a lack of commitment to the work we need to get done. I feel like you don’t respect me or my request, and we need to resolve this right away.”
It’s another to blurt out, “Bob, you’re a liar! Three times you told me you would do this and you haven’t. You liar!”
The first approach is firm and direct but makes observations about what has been seen, perceived and felt. The second is an accusation. Calling Bob a liar is an assault on his character. It will immediately make him defensive. And when we become defensive, we usually become offensive.
5. Get the facts
Besides offering your own observations, be sure to let the other person respond. You might say, “Here’s what I saw, heard and felt. Now, what about you? How do you understand this situation? I might be missing or misunderstanding something.” Both parties need to be silent and listen while the other person is speaking. James 1:19 tells us, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” In other words, listen to the person, don’t formulate your answers while they are speaking, but love them enough to keep both ears open.
6. Promote resolution
The point is not to fight, win or prove someone wrong. The point is reconciliation – restoring relationships that are valuable to us and important to God. In this private conversation we need to decide what steps need to be taken to restore trust, recreate some sense of harmony.
The hope is that we will be able to resolve our differences with one another during a one to one conversation. Most people feel that confrontation is a terrible thing, however, confrontation can lead to healing and joy. But if we avoid it like I avoid celery and we avoid the West Nile Virus, then how will we be able to find healing in our relationships. The key to make confrontation a positive event is to look at your brother or sister and pray for them and love them. Remember you are no better than they are, and they are no better than you.
The difficulty comes into play when they have no desire to reconcile. At this point you have two choices, you can determine that the issue is not that vital in your life and you with the help of the Holy Spirit you can seek to forgive them, and drop the issue and move on in life. Of course, if they are involved in the church and you are, then you need to decide if you can work side by side. Otherwise the next step is to bring 2 or 3 trustworthy objective people to meet together. The purpose is for these witnesses to confirm what they are hearing and quite possible to open the eyes of the two who are at odds. The ultimate goal is that conflict can be resolved and there would be reconciliation.
Some might interpret this as a gang tackle or numbers play, but it’s actually nothing of the sort. Jesus wants us to meet privately first. But the temptation is usually to involve others from the beginning instead of meeting privately.
So maybe we go to a deacon or another trusted member and say: “You know what Nadine did to me? That crazy woman has a real problem. You need to talk to her.”
And the response they should give is not -- “OOOOh, she did what? Tell me more.” They should say, “That sounds like a difficult situation. Have you talked to her. If she refuses to discuss it with you, then let’s consider the both of us getting together with her to talk it through.”
Church becomes a very unsafe place when we involve others in our conflicts for the sole purpose of ranting and raving about the other person. Of course, we need to have people who are our confidants, people we can talk to about what our situation is, people who can be objective and help us through difficult times, but to discuss conflict with the entire church. . . that is going we overboard. When other people are brought into the situation – their opinion of someone else may be tainted, when really you might have misinterpreted the person’s words or actions. And that is how long term damage is done. Satan loves it when we do this. Somehow he convinces us to air our conflicts with anyone but the person involved.
If we are like most churches, we have some room to grow in this area. But we’ll only grow when each of us makes a firm commitment to rely on the Holy Spirit for courage to handle our conflicts one on one rather than complaining to someone else.
In a safe church we would even sometimes stop our friends in the midst of a conversation from time to time and say, “As much as I’d like to listen and help you with this, I need to ask you, “have you gone directly to this person and told them how their actions made you feel?” And if the answer is no, we’d say, “Let’s pray together for courage and draw up a plan for how you might contact that person for a face to face conversation."
That’s a safe church. Does that describe how you would handle the situation? Or would you get sucked in and listen to only one side of the story, and condemn the other person?
Jesus has a couple of other steps to be used only in the most extreme cases.
STEP 3 is to go to the church for resolution. What I believe Jesus has in mind at this point is continuing, confirmed, and unconfessed sin. For instance if a person’s spouse is having an affair with another person in the church. A private conversation brought about no change. So a couple of church leaders meet with the person and the person’s spouse. Yet there is still no desire for repentance or reconciliation. What then? Jesus says, “Tell the church.”
He doesn’t specifically say, “Make a formal announcement from the pulpit during a worship service.” Though perhaps some extreme cases may call for that. I believe what he means is, “If one on one doesn’t work, and the person is not convinced by the presence of a few witnesses, then enlist a larger group to pray, and to encourage. Remember, the goal is reconciliation, so at this point involve some others in the church who will also work with you toward that goal.”
Then, what if reconciliation still doesn’t come? That brings us to STEP 4 —
You are to treat them as if they were a non-Christian. Of course, you are to treat them with love and grace, but they are now to be considered outside the church. Paul write in 1 Corinthians 5:5 and in 1 Timothy 1:20 that an unrepentant sinner should be turned over to satan. It sounds strange and cruel, yet, the hope is that the person will get so low in their life that the only way out is for them to repent and turn to Jesus. It does not mean we wish them harm, injury or disease, we do not pray for satan to ravage their bodies, instead, we no longer fellowship with them.
Remember Jesus commanded his followers to love pagans and tax collectors. Love them and seek to win them over with your love. If all this doesn’t bring reconciliation, then start from square one. Yet, we are to always love them.
More than likely, if a person refuses to be reconciled through the first three steps, they have already removed themselves from the life and participation of the church body. So we start loving them as a person who needs to be brought into the fold.
Questions to ask ourselves if someone refuses to be reconciled to us:
Does my heart long for reconciliation?
Have I honestly done all I can?
Do I still act lovingly toward the person?
Do I mourn for the harm the person is doing to toward their
soul, to me and to others?
If so we are displaying the kind of heart that has no desire to live at odds with someone.
Finally, when we grow through conflict, relying on the spiritual resources God makes available to us means… WE ENJOY THE RESULTING ATMOSPHERE
No doubt there have to be differences among you to show which of you have God’s approval. (1 Corinthians 11:19) a few verses later sets sarcasm aside: Shall I praise you for this? Well, I certainly do not! (1 Cor. 11:22, NIV and NLT comb.)
God’s goal is always reconciliation. God’s goal is community!
A safe loving place where no one stands alone. Church is a place where people are being molded by the Holy Spirit. A key to reconciling is to see that people change. Don’t dwell on what they were, but on who they are becoming.
Conflict can draw us closer to the Holy Spirit and eventually closer to each other.
In the 1980’s a retired couple was alarmed by the threat of nuclear war so they undertook a serious study of all the inhabited places on the globe. Their goal was to determine where in the world would be the least likely place affected by a nuclear war -- a place of ultimate peace and security. They studied and traveled, traveled and studied. Finally they found the place. And on Christmas they sent their pastor a card from their new home -- in the Falkland Islands. However, their "paradise" was soon turned into a war zone by Great Britain and Argentina in the conflict now recorded in history books as the Falkland War. (From SermonCentral.com)
Conflict cannot be completely avoided. Not even in the church. We’re imperfect people. Have to admit your brokenness to start our journey with Jesus.
There will be conflict in the church. The secret not everyone knows is that having gone through it, we can actually forge deeper dependencies on the Holy Spirit. Each of us contributes to the overall safety of this church. Someone’s perception of us might be a result of how they saw any one of us behave.
You may not be in conflict with anyone right now, but if an incident were to arise this instant, what area of your life or character would be tested most?
