1 Cor 7:3,4
3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. KJV
In my years of ministry and biblical guidance sessions, I have found this to be a serious problem in many marriages because one of the spouses has a stronger drive or appetite than the other. Sometimes a women feels that after she gets the children she wants she is done with this physical stuff. I heard one woman, who I hope was not a Christian, say that she did not care where her husband got what he wanted as long as it was not from her yet she was not seeking a divorce. She appeared to like the stuff and comfort marriage provided, but not really interested in a fulfilling marriage for both partners. I have known some ladies whose husbands are not as interested in this area as they are and it causes frustration.
While this is not all that is needed for a great marriage it is hard to conceive that in a relationship where heart, mind and soul are intimate that there would not be an equal desire for physical intimacy unless there is some physical impairment or health issue. Sex without love, permeates the culture and even Monica said she had hoped that her liaison would have consummated in a normal sexual relationship albeit immoral one. How then can someone in a true loving and biblical relationship where the bed is undefiled not want to have an intense intimacy there? (You can defile the marriage bed with with defiling activities so that does not mean anything goes for those who use this passage to force a spouse to do things “untoward” as the KJV says. )
I fear that it is because we have reduced it to a mere biological act and use it more as a punish and reward system than as an expression of vibrant love. To do so is a corruption and perversion of why God made it the way He did. Indeed, the primary purpose of the reproductive system is to reproduce, but He could have made it a seasonal rut thing like deer and other animals where there is no affection, just function. Yes, I think part of it may have been that had He not made it pleasurable we might be looking at the near extinction of the human race rather than wondering about ZPG since we would have been just as disobedient to “be fruitful and multiply” as we are of every other command He has give for our good.
Yet, I believe that since He says that the marriage relationship between the a man and woman represents the relationship between Christ and the Church/Believer I feel it was to have a spontaneous, loving and pleasurable sharing of the gift of life. God has always desired to be spiritually, emotionally and intellectually intimate with His creation for we see Him walking in the Garden with Adam and Eve, walking with Enoch and just taking him on to Glory and seeking to communicate on every level with mankind after the Fall and the Flood. He wants us to be close to Him and speaks of believers being in the Body and in Christ as well as being friends and children. He calls man and woman’s physical union a one flesh relationship. Two shall become one. We are one in the Spirit as a Church. All of these things are intimate descriptions not words of alienation or corporate unions/mergers for assets and heirs to the assets. Thus conjugal love is to be a pleasurable part of the intimacy equation in a marriage.
We allow the stresses of life to draw us away or hinder us in this intimacy rather than it driving us to seek the bonding that comes from it. God even built in health benefits along with the pleasure element. Participating in physical intimacy aids prostate health and there is an element delivered to the woman by the male that aids in reducing depression according to a study I have read recently as well as increasing the spiritual bond between a man and wife. Many bonds break because couple cease building that bond. Makes you wonder if the cases of prostate problems and depression would dramatically decrease if intimacy increased. Seems like it would be a lot more fun, as well as beneficial, than popping meds.
I am going to be as tactfully blunt as I can be here. If either spouse uses the marriage bed merely as a place of reward and punishment are they no different than a prostitute or a pimp? Is not the only difference the number of clientèle? You are making merchandise of a gift from God and hurting yourself as well as each other person. Stop it now! Repent and ask God to restore the relationship you had when you were first married or ask for even better.
Quality is better than quantity, but quantity can be important. The ladies may relate to this better than most men as they usually diet more than men. When you go on a diet and decide to refrain from desserts and other food you love how long does it take before it seems the only things you desire is what you cannot have? What also happens is that it seems like every commercial is about the food you love and are staying away from on the diet. Your neighbor has never brought you a pie in the years you lived there but you go on a diet and they bring the one pie you love the most and they did not even know it. They have more parties than ever at work and it seems like the week there is not a party at work there is a fellowship at church and all they serve at both places are the things you love.
Your will power may be strong but at some point you may cave and take a tiny piece or binge like an alcoholic and then cry over your lack of control. When you were not dieting and could have whatever you wanted anytime you wanted it you actually craved it less. Sex is also an appetite. Just as all you can think about is that blueberry cheesecake when you can’t have it or have it as often as you wish it is not that your spouse is a sex addict or maniac but rather you have put them on a diet and it is all they can think about. If they gets a taste all they wants to do is keep coming back to the kitchen and beg because they does not know when they will be able to have another taste. Yes, there are some ladies in the same boat so it is not just a male thing. I know women who are on the same kind of diet and it drives them nuts.
I knew a fellow who thought that he was just a lad with a large appetite until he was able to engage anytime he wanted. He found that he thought about it less and thus wanted it less. He was not on a diet. Other women did not even seem to be as attractive because he was not hungry. This is what Paul was speaking about when he said that unless you have regular or consistent sessions of intimacy one or both of you might fall due to your incontinence or lack of control. We have all seen the ads for incontinence products. There isn’t one for sexual incontinence except for the marriage bed. That is the Toviaz or Detrol for sexual incontinence. Just as those meds do not always work 100%, not all people stay continent even if there is grand and frequent activity in the marriage bed, but it does work in most cases. Most cases of incontinence come from marriages where one or both are on a diet or are in a reward/punishment situation.
If you love each other than you should care for one another’s needs. Neither of you own your body in a marriage. Each owns the other’s body and if you love each other as yourself then you will work out a happy medium and even sacrifice for the other. Unfortunately, there is no blood or other test to know a person’s drive before marriage so that you could get a readout of a 1-10 scale so that a 1 would think twice about marrying a 10. Instead of asking someone what is their sign you could ask are you a 4 or an 8? That might make life easier and have less friction on this issue. If love is the motivating factor then a 4 might willing give themselves without reserve to the 8 and yet the 8 might try to become more of a 6 out of love for the 4 and that might make the 4 respond to the level of a 6 because of the love they feel and voilà they are now both on the same level at least in an ideal world.
Most spouses would not deliberately keep their mate in a state of starvation when it comes to food or only see to it that they have no more then two sets of clothing because they love them. If people would get back to it truly being lovemaking then love would work it out and a 4 may find that they were a closet 6 and the 10 may find out that with consistency they are really a 7 that was on a starvation diet until the 4 started showing due benevolence and took them off of the fast or diet. The context is that it is the duty of the one to not leave the spouse in a deprived state.
How much consistency? From the text it looks like it might be daily unless you are in a fasting/prayer mode. One study shows that a man needs to be active around 21 times a month to promote good prostrate health. Ladies, if in the act you are given something to aid depression that is better than 21 Xanax a month. Considering the Hebrew calendar was 30 days and a woman was off duty, so to speak, for 7 days during her cycle that leaves 23 which is almost exactly that healthy number science determined. Did God plan that? I think so. By the way, it doesn’t work as a solo act only as a duet. God planned that as well.
If a man knows he has a grade A sizzling steak at home that sloppy, greasy hamburger shack, no matter how hot and juicy the burgers may be, will not look near as good. However if that steak is frozen to the freezer and either is impossible to defrost or has freezer burn than that hamburger that is quick and easy might look pretty good. Guys, some ladies like steak as well and if all they have is cold bologna at the house that greasy spoon burger will look good to them as well since it is at least warm and smells good.
Does that mean it is OK to stray if the spouse won’t play? Nope. It is still sin. If you are starving will it make it harder not to stray? Yes, it will and that means you better get close to the Lord before you destroy something more valuable like your family for just one part of a relationship. It is a foolish thing but there are many foolish men and women out there that could have spared themselves a lot of heartache had they just worked as hard to defrost that steak in the freezer or put themselves on the grill instead of taking that cheap, greasy burger that was more filler than meat.
If a homeless man was starving and ran into a buffet and gorged himself knowing he could not pay how much would you blame him? Many would offer to pay his bill and the owner might have him work it off. If a man or woman is starving at home they may gorge at a buffet and weep later because they will pay for it in guilt or destruction of trust and maybe loss of family. If you are the spouse that deliberately starved your spouse you have a right to be offended, but you must also share some of the blame. Before you drop the hammer on the offender, search your own heart and see what you could have done to prevent it. Again, it does not make the person who offended clear of responsibility or guilt but if you helped push them off the cliff you are not without guilt or responsibility. There are normally two sides to every success as well as every disaster.
I remember from my Philosophy class that Kant said that it was selfish for a couple to get married if they did not want to have children as he felt that was a needful part of marriage, if indeed not the only reason for marriage. If that is so, how selfish is it if you only marry for economic benefits or to have a child or two and then treat the marriage as a corporation whose only product and reason for existence was the child(ren)? How selfish is it to engage only for children and then leave the spouse high and dry? How selfish is it to only marry for the physical benefits? I am afraid those are the real reasons for many marriages that get disguised by word of love so soft and tender, but the mask comes off after a period of time.
Ask God to show you how to love your spouse and to show you the need for intimacy. I am going to be a bit bold here and probably tick some folks off. If you are not enjoying intimacy with your spouse it is almost an absolute you are not enjoying spiritual intimacy with God. If you do not love your spouse and desire intimacy with the one you see it will be very difficult to have spiritual intimacy with God whom you cannot see since He said your marriage is a picture of your marriage to Christ.
It has health benefits as well. A man needs to engage twenty-one times a month for optimum health benefits including prostate and mental health. Using the Hebrew calendar allowing for abstinence on the Sabbath and during menstruation we are left with twenty days to participate in sexual intimacy or on a daily basis. Women also receive health benefits from the act of intimacy so it is not only all about the male. Can it be a difficult thing to maintain in our culture? Indeed, but a necessary thing to strive for to build strong bonds and stronger marriages. Having daily sex with lights on and looking into each other's eyes builds bonds versus intimacy in the dark. Various counselors have directed couples with marriage issues to have daily, lights on, eye contact intimacy for thirty days with good results. One couple has angry sex. When they realize they are in a heated argument they stop and make love. Afterwards, the issue seems clearer and the emotions are removed. Great way to negotiate!!
There are always exceptions. If you are at the age, where conjugal love is not physically possible then you can still have intimacy with your spouse. There is a couple in their eighties having daily sex. They say it takes longer than when they were young, but they enjoy each other's bodies so it is great. Even cuddling naked fondling each other is good for your bonding. If you are single then you can develop an intimate relationship to the Lord, who is your spouse until you find a life long mate. If you are married to an unbeliever, then you will need a stronger intimacy with the Lord to be able to have an influence on your lost spouse and to have the best intimacy with them that you can though unequally yoked.
Two believers in fellowship with God should have the greatest physical relationship possible. It should be something of great joy that they can’t wait to participate in even at times when they are tired and stressed if they see it as a gift given to them of God rather than just a duty or a means of acquiring children. Indeed, the more they seek intimacy with God it should increase their desire to be intimate with their spouse. Quality and quantity will ebb and flow with life’s circumstances, but it will be something desired with zeal because of intense love.
According to this passage, outside of cycles or disability, the only reason to refrain is for prayer and fasting. If Christians would heed this there were be a lot more skinny Christians and prayer judging by the lack of intimacy or we would see a lot more joyful and fulfilled marriages as they return to making it what God desired for their marriage. So how’s you love life with the Lord and your spouse? May God grant you the wisdom and desire to enter into a spectacular relationship! Maranatha!
https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/wellness/what-happens-when-you-have-sex-daily-good-things/ar-AA1n8pm2
