How can I forgive when it hurts so much?
Ephesians 4:30-32
“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Much of this is simply from my heart today. It is my burden from God.
Ill. In one of my ministries, I served in an area where several of us pastors were convinced that the area was under demonic oppression. We met, discussed and prayed about this several times. As we compared notes and prayed together, we became convinced that the particular oppression that was bringing in captivity to the area was the spirit of unforgiveness. Nearly every major problem we faced as pastors and churches in that area dealt with unforgiveness and bitterness.
We committed to war against this oppression, and the only way we knew was to bring unforgiveness into the light of the truth. We began to study and preach forgiveness, as well as sharing with one another what we learned.
I preached a series on forgiveness and how it is expected and right for Christians to do. After a couple of months, I was visiting one of my dear Church ladies. She said, “Bro. Tim, I am so glad you stopped by. I wanted to talk to you about something. You have been preaching some good sermons about forgiveness. I am sure I can speak for the rest of the Church that we are convinced of the need to forgive. But how do we forgive when it is difficult? You haven’t told us how to forgive.”
You see, I had assumed that forgiveness was simply an issue of choosing forgiveness and letting go of the offense. Yet looking back into my life at those who had hurt me deeply, I realized that it wasn’t that simple. I still had issues and people who simply thinking about them raised my blood pressure. There were still negative emotions attached to their memories.
Since then, I realized that forgiveness is not just a major topic in Christianity, it is the hot topic.
I. Why is forgiveness important?
Every Christian I know believes in forgiveness because we cannot dodge the words of Christ. But few are the numbers who have been able to forgive their major violations, and who are not shaped by their wounds and pains. Few are the people who can love freely without restriction and without the fear of being hurt again.
I don’t believe it is a coincident that God became man, Jesus was born, lived, died and rose again for our redemption. The key component in that redemption was forgiveness. That was our greatest need before a righteous and holy God.
And I don’t think it is by coincidence that forgiveness is our greatest struggle even after we are forgiven. I don’t think it is a coincidence that the things that warp us the most and seem to be at the root of every other personality disorder, bad habit, and relational conflicts is bitterness and lack of forgiveness.
The best of Christians typically are carrying around wounds which should have healed years ago. The most mature among us are still shaped by events of the past and our improper reactions to them because we struggle with forgiveness. Broken marriages, difficult people, easily offended, eating disorders, anti-social behavior, quick temper, depression, abuse of alcohol and narcotics, addictions of every kind, mistakes in raising children, hypocrisy, the list is endless of the notches on the handle of bitterness and unforgiveness.
It is not for a lack of desire. We have the heart of God and truly want to forgive anyone who hurt us when it comes down to it. It is not for a lack of trying, for we all try to forgive and live free from the influence of past offenses. And it is not for the lack of asking God to help us, for I have heard people pray and pray for the ability to forgive and not let an incident change them.
Hosea 4:6 says “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” In this passage, God warns that preachers and teachers (the priests of those days) have failed to give the people the information needed to live righteously. I carry a great responsibility this morning and confess, I am still on a journey in learning about how to forgive like God forgives. But that responsibility impels me to share what I know now, even though it is incomplete knowledge. I am praying that God continues to teach me forgiveness and that I can continue to teach you forgiveness.
If we are going to be a Church of spiritual victory, we MUST be a place of forgiveness. If we are going to be a Church that shows the world God’s love, we must be a Church of forgiveness. If we are going to be a Church which promotes healing, we must be a Church of forgiveness. If we are going to be a Church that promotes healthy marriages, we must be a Church of forgiveness. If we are going to be a Church with strong families, we must be a Church of forgiveness. If we are going to see people grow, we must be a Church of forgiveness. If we are going to help people find their destinies in God’s kingdom…where young people realize the call of God on their lives…the list goes on.
We have to learn how and teach others how to forgive, truly forgive, like we are forgiven, or we fail in the very mission God has given us, both as individuals and as a Church. You see, we can’t show the world love through lack of forgiveness. We can’t serve freely…. Learn of God… thus, we cannot love God freely if we have any area of lack of forgiveness.
Luke 6:37 - "Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;” Our very Christian life is dependent upon our forgiving anyone and everyone who has hurt or offended us.
Three things that hinder the forgiveness in the World System (our flesh):
1. You don't feel that your friend is really sorry.
2. You are still shocked that your friend did what they did.
3. You are already harboring resentment for some of the other things your friend has done in the past.
II. What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness comes at two levels. These are demonstrated by Jesus Christ.
A. Unilateral forgiveness.
Luke 23:34 – “And Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.’" When Jesus said this, this did not restore the relationship between God and these men who crucified Jesus. That is because this forgiveness was one-sided.
1. What is unilateral forgiveness and what does it accomplish?
a) You come to terms with what was done, you receive the pain without vengeance or retribution.
b) You end the ongoing pain of bitterness. It stops the offense from warping the person and future.
c) It transfers the debt of the offense from the offender to the offended, as the offended accepts the pain.
d) It restores the ability to desire a restored relationship with the offender.
e) It opens the opportunity for complete forgiveness and restored relationship.
2. What it doesn’t do.
a) Doesn’t restore the relationship completely.
Mar 15:39 – “And when the centurion, who stood facing him, saw that in this way he breathed his last, he said, ‘Truly this man was the Son of God!’" Complete restoration with God involves belief in the heart and confession with the mouth (Romans 10:9-10). Complete restoration for us requires the offender asking for forgiveness. Unilateral restoration is one sided, so it does not restore complete relationship restoration.
b) Doesn’t restore trust and complete vulnerability.
An excellent example of this can be seen in part of Laura’s, my wife’s, testimony.
Ill. There was a family member who molested Laura when she was a little girl. This family member never admitted to any wrong doing. He never apologized or asked for forgiveness. Yet, through the years, it has been discovered that this incident was not a one-time occurrence with one child. Other family members came forward, independently, with claims of having been molested.
Laura will tell you that she forgave this family member, unilaterally. She loved him, cared for him, fellowshipped with him. We ate in his home and had him in our home.
However, when Ryan was a child, she would not allow him access to be alone with Ryan. She would not let him have an opportunity to molest our son. And, she warned other family members with young children to be cautious in this area.
Had this one been repentant and forthcoming, asking for forgiveness, the relationship could have been restored.
Summary: You can unilaterally forgive someone who is not truly sorry, refuses to apologize, or is not available to apologize (they are no longer alive, etc....). This frees you from further negative influence from the offense and bitterness. It will not restore the relationship, but stop your pain.
B. Complete forgiveness.
James 5:16 – “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”
In complete forgiveness, the offender seeks restoration. Ephesians 4:32 – “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” This restores the relationship usually to a stronger position and closeness as both parties stand in forgiveness and love of one another.
Ill. In a previous Church, we had a member who was disruptive in the Sunday School Class. A member and the teacher both asked me if I would speak with her. In retrospect, I believe it would have been better for the teacher and offended member to talk with her.
But I did as they asked me, visiting her on Monday morning. She was totally surprised that she was offensive and apparently repentant about being disruptive. I prayed with her and went home to tell Laura, “I think that went well.”
Later she told me that the more she thought about it, the madder she got. After about a week of stewing, she said she would never come to our Church again. She also said some mean and nasty things about me.
I went back the next Monday to talk with her. To make a long story short, we were completely reconciled. A month later, she said in tears, “Bro. Tim, you are the only preacher who loved me enough to help me.”
From that day forward, she told everyone that I was the only preacher who cared for her. When I preached her funeral a few years later, nearly every friend and family member came to me afterwards to tell me what she had told them about me. Several said they were looking forward to meeting me because they heard so many wonderful things about me.
Now, all of you know that I am not that special. I tell this story because it illustrates that if both parties are forgiving, after reconciliation from a problem, you can tell how it was handled usually by how closer you are.
Jesus allowed reconciliation for His offenders (through His unilateral forgiveness) so that even the officer in charge with His torment and death could be saved. Even the men who crucified Jesus are invited to complete restoration to God. This is the heart of God and should be our hearts.
2 Corinthians 5:18-21 – “All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”
III. How Do I Forgive?
The apostle Paul wrote the letter to the Galatians on how to live the Christian life the right way. Teachings had come in that to live the Christian life, you had to be circumcised and live by the law. Although forgiveness is not the primary topic of this book, successful Christian living is. If success in life is found in Galatians, it must apply to finding victory in the problem areas.
Galatians 3:1-6 – “O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. 2 Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? 3 Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? 4 Did you suffer so many things in vain--if indeed it was in vain? 5 Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith-- 6 just as Abraham ‘believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness’?”
Paul’s proposition was simple: How do you find victory? How were you saved? Same answer. So how do you forgive? How were you saved? Same answer.
Romans 10:8-13 – “But what does it say? ‘The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart’ (that is, the word of faith that we proclaim); 9 because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. 11 For the Scripture says, ‘Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.’ 12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. 13 For ‘everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.’
1. Choose to forgive.
Commitment to forgiveness despite feelings. Separate the issues of forgiveness and anger (or any other negative emotions, including guilt and shame).
2. Ask God to empower your forgiveness.
Mark 9:24 – “Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, ‘I believe; help my unbelief!’" Confess aloud your desire to forgive. This will allow God to confirm your commitment to forgive.
3. Search your heart for your offensive behavior and attitudes.
Ask God to reveal anger, bitterness, and improper attitudes. Confess these to God.
4. Be willing to receive the pain as your price for the relationship and love, and your highest obedience to the one who forgave you.
I Peter 2:20-21 – “For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. 21 For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.”
Ill. Pastor Charles McClelland compares this step to transferring an accounting debt in a ledger. He says, “While in accounting, this is a simple ledger entry. In my life, I need to constantly remind myself that person no longer owes me a debt—it is God’s problem now. One of the ways I do this is to review some of the passages where God promises to settle the debt others owe us.”
This is clearing a debt from the balance page of the offender to another page. Some equate this with placing the debt on Jesus’ page, realizing as Jesus paid my sin debts, He paid for others’ offenses too. They will point out that it is absolutely inequitable to receive the debt payment of Jesus and not offer it to others.
Jesus illustrated this in a parable. Mat 18:23-35 "Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.' 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.' 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart."
I find that God allows me to love like He loves if I take the debt and put in on my ledger. I, in love, receive the responsibility to hurt for the sake of my Savior and from the one who offends me. This helps me forgive and grow more to be like Jesus, willing to hurt for my relationship with you.
5. Confess forgiveness and your love for the person (with no “buts”).
It’s as near as your lips. Confession cements something in the heart. If you say, “I hate John Doe”, the more you say it, the harder it is to get over the hate. What a child say, “I hate carrots, I hate carrots, I hate carrots”. However, if you say, “I choose to forgive John Doe”, the dual process of speaking it and hearing it helps you to accept it and receive it in your heart.
6. Trust God to supply forgiveness through His grace.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 – “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” The harder it is to forgive, the greater God will send His sufficient grace when we trust Him.
7. If all else fails, give the offender a gift if they are available.
This helps release the sense that they still owe you as forgiveness is offered with the gift. Rom 12:14 – ”Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.”
8. After unilateral forgiveness is actualized, attempt complete restoration by seeking reconciliation with the offender, if that is possible. Ref. Matthew 18:15ff.
Bruce Goodrich was being initiated into the cadet corps at Texas A & M University. One night, Bruce was forced to run until he dropped -- but he never got up. Bruce Goodrich died before he even entered college.
A short time after the tragedy, Bruce's father wrote this letter to the administration, faculty, student body, and the corps of cadets: "I would like to take this opportunity to express the appreciation of my family for the great outpouring of concern and sympathy from Texas A & M University and the college community over the loss of our son Bruce. We were deeply touched by the tribute paid to him in the battalion. We were particularly pleased to note that his Christian witness did not go unnoticed during his brief time on campus."
Mr. Goodrich went on: "I hope it will be some comfort to know that we harbor no ill will in the matter. We know our God makes no mistakes. Bruce had an appointment with his Lord and is now secure in his celestial home. When the question is asked, 'Why did this happen?' perhaps one answer will be, 'So that many will consider where they will spend eternity.'" Source: DTW, August 3, 2008
