When You Say, “I Do” - 1 Corinthians 7:1-9
Series: After The Honeymoon #9
Well this morning we continue with our series of messages entitled, “After The Honeymoon.” This series is meant to help us build into our marriages; to help hurting marriages find healing, to enable good marriages to become great, to set the foundation for marriages which will glorify God as they build into the family and bless the church, because marriage is first and foremost God’s idea. It’s God who created the first man, Adam, and it’s God who created the first woman, Eve, and it’s God who brought the two of them together in this union called, “marriage.” This is God’s plan for marriage – one man, and one woman – joined in this amazing relationship that sets them apart from all others.
A number of years ago billboards began to appear with these words written on them: “Loved the Wedding, Invite Me to the Marriage. - God.” And that’s what we want to do, isn’t it? That’s what we need to do – to invite God into our marriages – to allow Him to mold and shape and influence the way we think about, and the way we live out, our marriages, because He alone has the full picture of what your marriage can really be.
It’s no secret that we live in a broken world. We see the results of that brokenness all around us - pain, suffering, hurt and dysfunction; evil and darkness, hopelessness, despair and desperation. We see it on the news, we hear about it in the lives of our neighbours, and sometimes we see it reflected in the face we see in the mirror. And perhaps one of the greatest areas of brokenness in our lives revolves around our own sexuality.
Chances are that our Scriptures this morning may make some of you feel uncomfortable. I want you to understand that that is part of the brokenness that we are experiencing – an unwillingness, a fear, an anxiety – of allowing God’s word to shape our understanding of our sexuality.
The truth is this: God has created us as sexual beings. He could have created us differently, but He chose not to. And that in itself tells us something important: our sexuality is part of what it means for us to be human and created by God. And as God designed it, and as He intends for it to be, the expression of that sexuality is a great and wonderful thing. Trouble arises though when we take our cues for how we are to express our sexuality from the world around us rather than from God’s word. And I would suggest to you that the further our society moves away from God, and the greater the world’s rejection of Him becomes, the deeper that brokenness is going to be.
There is a verse found in the book of Judges that says this: “In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as he saw fit.” (Judges 17:6, NIV84) And that’s the very thing that happens to us when we don’t allow Christ to be king – each one does what seems right in his, or her, own eyes. That’s where our culture is at today. We’ve rejected the Lordship of Christ, we’ve worshipped false gods created in our own image, and we’ve refused to accept the authority of God’s word. And because people have followed their own understanding, trusted their own hearts, and done what seems right in their own eyes, the brokenness in our lives has increased exponentially. Sometimes we bring that brokenness upon ourselves by the choices we make – either not knowing what God’s word says, or knowing it and not walking in obedience to it. But sometimes that brokenness is brought upon us by the sin of others.
What does it look like when people do what seems right in their own eyes when it comes to sexuality? It looks like what the Bible calls fornication – that’s sex between two people that aren’t married. The world calls it “love,” but God calls it sin. Not because sex itself is sinful, or evil or bad, but because the expression of it outside of marriage falls beyond the boundaries of where God has designed for it to be experienced and enjoyed. What else does it look like? It looks like adultery which is when a married person has sexual relations with someone other than their spouse. That breaks the bond that’s formed when the two become one before God. It leads to hurt and heartache and sorrow and even more brokenness. It also looks like things like prostitution and rape and incest and pornography and a dozen other things that we could mention but which I will not. All of these are a result of, and result in, brokenness in this area of our lives.
And maybe somewhere along the path your life has taken, you have experienced one or more of these things. Maybe you’ve made the choice to do what seems right in your eyes and you’re feeling the brokenness and the hurt and the darkness and you’re wondering if this area of your life can ever be redeemed. Can there be forgiveness? Can there be wholeness? Can there be healing? Can there be hope? Can there be a future for you? Can the pain and the heartache and the sorrow and the regrets, or the fear and the shame, be washed away? Maybe someone else has inflicted that pain, and hurt and brokenness on you, and it’s destroyed your desire for, and future experience of, what God has intended to be a wonderful thing to be shared between a husband and wife. Those scars are very real and you’re wondering if you’ll ever be able to enjoy the intimacy that God has created you to be able to enjoy.
As we seek to understand those questions we need to start with the understanding that God knows best and we need to take to heart the exhortation we find in the book of Proverbs where we read these words: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.” (Proverbs 3:5–8, NIV84)
My question for you this morning, whether you are married or single, divorced or remarried, widowed or widower, whether you’ve sinned in this area of sexuality, or been sinned against, is this: are you willing, beginning today, to trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways – including in your sexuality and in your marriage if you’re married and in your singleness if you’re single – to acknowledge Him? Because if healing and hope and change are to come we need to be willing to look into, and to take to heart, what God says about these very things.
So let’s open our Bibles this morning to the book of 1 Corinthians. 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, and we’re going to begin reading in verse 1. And as you’re turning there let me just say that we don’t have time this morning to deal with all of the issues that we’ve already brought up. My hope for us today is that we begin to catch a glimpse of how God intends for our sexuality to be expressed, and what that looks like in some practical terms, and to do that we’re going to look at what Paul has written in his letter to the Corinthian church, because the truth is they were struggling to understand these things too. Like us, they lived in a culture that celebrated sex, reveled in it, and in their society ritual sex was even being used as a form of worship in the temples of their various gods. Some of the Christians in Corinth may have come out of this background and now, in the midst of this excess and brokenness, the Corinthian church is trying to understand what light their faith sheds on their sexuality. This is what Paul writes …
“Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is well for a man not to touch a woman.” That’s the statement that the Corinthians had written in their letter to Paul and he’s responding to it by writing these words, But because of cases of sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a set time, to devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. This I say by way of concession, not of command. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has a particular gift from God, one having one kind and another a different kind. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain unmarried as I am. But if they are not practicing self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion.” (1 Corinthians 7:1–9, NRSV)
For many couples one of the greatest struggles they have is in this area of sexuality, so if that’s something you’re struggling with in your marriage, understand that it’s not uncommon, that you’re not alone, and that things can get better.
When it comes to sexuality there are really two extremes we encounter. On the one hand there are those who, like the Corinthians, see sex as a bad thing and want nothing to do with it. They see sex as something shameful and unclean. And, particularly depending on what generation you are from, and what brokenness you might have experienced in that area of your own life, that might be an extreme that you tend towards.
The other extreme is sex without boundaries. Anything goes. There are no limits. “If it feels good, do it,” type of attitude. Those boundaries are being pushed back further all the time and so things that society would have found unacceptable even just 50 years ago have become common place. I want you to understand that both those extremes are sinful. The first calls “evil” that which God created to be “good,” and the second declares something “good,” that God says to be “evil.”
The Corinthians have got themselves in a bind. On the one hand they declare that it’s good for a person not to have sex; but that’s resulted in a two-fold problem. First, Paul says, that sexual immorality is occurring. Amidst their number are people “burning with passion” and giving in to their desires, and in doing so they are sinning and dishonoring God. It would be far better, he says, for these ones to be married and to be able to express their sexuality in a manner that didn’t become sin, that didn’t twist and distort something that God had created to be good, into something far less.
And let me just make sure we’re clear on something here: God’s desire for those who are single is that they would remain celibate until they are married – but the reasons are not because sex is bad, but because this is what honors God, under whose ownership you fall. For those who are single, that can be a tremendous struggle. Because the passion is very real, the physical desire very strong. We don’t really have time to get into that in depth this morning but what can you do if you find yourself in that position of burning with passion but being single? Let me just suggest a few quick things to begin with. First, remember that you’ve been purchased by God. First and foremost you belong to Him. So let the desire of your heart be to honor God with all areas of your life. Secondly, remember that no temptation has faced you but that which is common to man and when we are tempted that God will provide a way out. Be willing to look for the way out and then take it without hesitating just as Joseph did when he fled from Potiphar’s wife. Thirdly, make it a matter of prayer. Share the struggle with God and ask for His help. Fourthly, place a hedge around your relationships with members of the opposite sex. In the book of Ephesians Paul reminds us that there should not even be a hint of sexual immorality in our lives. And the truth is it’s a lot harder to give in to the temptation when you don’t put yourself in temptations way in the first place.
Now the other problem that’s arisen from the Corinthians take on their sexuality is that husband and wife aren’t sharing sexual intimacy. They are not having sex. They are not fulfilling their duty to one another. Calling it a duty makes it sound like a chore to be endured but that’s not what Paul is getting at, at all! When you stand before the Lord, before your husband or wife to be, before the pastor, and family and friends and say, “I do,” what you’re really saying is, “I do give myself to you.” “Whatever I have to give you, is yours to have, and that includes my body. I give it willingly, I give it freely, and I yield it to you in love.”
And in the early stages of a marriage that is usually not a problem. But as time goes on, and we hurt each other with careless words and thoughtless actions, or as children enter into the picture and you’re tired all the time, or chronic illness comes along, or the stress of life begins to take it’s toll, we begin to pull away from what we once enjoyed and we no longer give ourselves freely to our spouse. It becomes easier to say, “no,” rather than “yes,” easier to say, “I’m too tired,” or “I have a headache,” then it is to say, “let’s get it on!”
But generally speaking, when a couple who is married is not having sex on a regular basis they are missing out on a special kind of intimacy that God has created them to enjoy. And usually at least one of the two is really desiring that they would be having sex a lot more often than they are. And that can lead to bitterness, frustration, hurt, and a further emotional withdrawing from the relationship.
So let me ask you: How often should a married couple be making love? … Let me give you a hint: If you’re thinking in terms of the numbers of time per year, you probably need to step up your game a bit! But maybe what it really comes down to is this: If your spouse would like to spend that time with you, and you’re not wanting to, then what’s the deeper reason that you’d rather not? And keep in mind that sometimes those reasons are valid – an illness, or injury, or what not. But sometimes they’re just an excuse to cover up a deeper brokenness and that brokenness needs to find healing.
I think the biggest thing that helps couples struggling in this area is to talk to one another about what those times of sexual intimacy means to each of you. Generally speaking, a woman tends to need to feel close to her husband before she wants to have sex with him. So husbands, what does your wife need from you to feel that closeness? … Don’t look at me – she’s your wife! Ask her! I guarantee you that she’ll have an answer for you! Maybe it’s holding her hand as you go for a walk, or just holding her close on the couch, or listening to her as she shares about her day, or helping her with the dishes or whatever it may be. And ladies, while you need to feel close to your husband in order to desire sex, generally speaking, your husband craves sex with you, in order to feel close. We tend to be wired differently that way. And sexual intimacy creates a very real bond between husband and wife that’s important for the marriage relationship. And if husband and wife approached their sex life with the desire not just to satisfy themselves but with a true desire to learn, and to discover what pleases their spouse, many of our struggles with sexuality would fade away. It’s a mutual submission and offering to one another that can help build into the intimacy God created husband and wife to share.
And we need that time with our spouse. There is a danger that comes when a couple isn’t sharing that intimacy. It leads to bitterness and hurt and frustration but Paul also says that it can make us more vulnerable to temptation. Now that’s not an excuse for a person to commit adultery. However it’s also true that if you’ve got a great sex life at home that you’re not going to be tempted to look for it elsewhere. So Paul says this, “if you are going to abstain from sex, due it by mutual agreement and then only for a time and then be sure to come together again so that you’re not going to be tempted by Satan because you’re burning up with passion.”
Finally, Paul goes on to commend the single and celibate life. Not as a matter of pride, but as a matter of function. Going down to verse 32 we read these words … “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; but the married man is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried woman and the virgin are anxious about the affairs of the Lord, so that they may be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to put any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and unhindered devotion to the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:32–35, NRSV) It’s not a matter of superiority but a recognition that the one who is unmarried has greater freedom in the serving the Lord then does one who is married for they are not divided. Yet God holds both singleness and marriage in high regard.
So what truths can we draw from these verses that ought to be shaping our understanding of our marriages and our sexuality. Let me give you ten of them very quickly here. If you’re married I would encourage you to talk about them with your spouse and to work through the questions included in your sermon notes that you might understand both God’s plan, and your partner’s need, in this area of our sexuality. Here we go …
1. God has made marriage and sexual fulfillment within the boundaries of marriage to be a good thing.
2. The expectation is that husband and wife will enjoy regular sexual intimacy with one another.
3. The desire of husband and wife should be to fully satisfy one another.
4. Sexual satisfaction in our marriages is an extra hedge of protection against immorality.
5. In the regular course of things, neither husband nor wife has the authority to withhold sex from the other. To do so is to sin.
6. If we don’t desire sex with our spouse it is a sign of underlying brokenness that needs to be addressed for the marriage to deepen and grow in a manner pleasing to God.
7. Times of sexual abstinence need to be mutually agreed upon and should be temporary in nature.
8. To be single is to be celibate.
9. Being single can be just as glorifying to God as being married can.
10. First and foremost we belong to God and every aspect of our life needs to fall under His authority. (Adapted from unknown source)
So where does that leave us? Earlier I paraphrased a passage from Isaiah. This is what it says in part … “We all like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way;” (Isaiah 53:6) And maybe this morning you realize that that’s been you. That in regards to your sexuality you’ve twisted it and distorted it or lived it out, or failed to live it out, in a manner pleasing to God and honoring to your spouse. Maybe you’ve caught a glimpse of just how broken you are inside and how much healing is needed.
The second half of that verse says this, “and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.” (Isaiah 53:6) A little bit later the Scriptures go on to say, he “was numbered with the transgressors. For He bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.” (Isaiah 53:10) In doing so He atoned for our sins. If you have sinned in this area you need to know that forgiveness and new life are possible. As Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, “Your sins are forgiven; go and sin no more.” So confess it, repent of it, turn to God for healing and be renewed by the transforming of your mind as you bring your life into submission under the authority of God’s word. As it says in Scripture, “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” (Acts 3:19, NIV) And then build your singleness, build your marriage, on the firm foundation of God’s word.
Let’s pray … pray healing for brokenness and hurt that so many face in this area and lead with it into the Lord’s supper speaking of forgiveness and hope and new life that have been made possible in Christ ….
I’ll ask the servers to come forward at this time as we prepare to share the Lord’s Supper. You are welcome to share this with us if you confess Christ as Lord and Savior in word, thought and deed, knowing that it’s through Him alone that your sins are forgiven. The bread and the cup will be passed out one after the other and I’ll ask you to hold on to them both until everyone has been served and then we will eat and drink together.
The bread recalls for us the body of Christ that was given over to death on the cross. In doing so Jesus took upon Himself the consequences that our sins incurred. The cup reminds us of His blood that was shed for the forgiveness of our sins. Together they are a picture of hope and life for they proclaim atonement and forgiveness leading to new life for those who believe. As the bread and the cup are being passed around I invite you to ask God to examine your heart, your life, to reveal any sin that needs to be confessed and addressed, any brokenness or hurts that need to find healing in Christ.
[Elements are passed around.]
And now let us eat and drink with grateful hearts and let are response to God’s grace to be to live in such a way that our lives are living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God.
[Eat and drink.]
And now let’s pray once again …
Closing Song …
