Modern Family Pt. 3 – Arranged Marriages
The Partridge Family ain’t singing no more. Family Affairs has a whole new meaning now that Mr. French would have never imagined. We will never be able to go back to yesterday. We must learn to deal with today and tomorrow. However, even though we are in the modern age I believe there is still some old truths that modern family's need today.
So I have told you:
Marriage matters to God and more specifically your marriage matters to Him. Not only did He institute the first marriage He was and is involved in yours right now.
Happily ever after doesn't have to be a fairy tale but does require hard and consistent work. You don't stumble into a perfect marriage. A bad marriage only becomes a good marriage with work. A good marriage only becomes a great marriage with work!
If we are not careful we give our marriages away.
God can give us our marriage back! A damaged marriage doesn't have to equate to a doomed marriage. God still has the ability to bind up the broken and turn hopeless situations
We are treasure hunters. We all have a treasure inside of us but to find the treasure you have to be willing to dig through the dirt.
You unearth the treasure with honor.
So today I want to talk to you about arranged marriages. In modern times we don’t hear about arranged marriages like we used to. There are many examples of arranged marriages in the Word. However, in those passages an arranged marriage is a marriage in which the bride/groom is selected by the parents and the marriage is established without any input from the ones who are being married. That is not what I want to talk to you about when I talk about arranged marriage. The word “arrange” means to set in order. Another word that would fit is the word “planned”. We think that preparation isn’t needed. We think that our commitment will trump lack of preparation. That isn’t true! A promise is no good unless you are prepared to fulfill the promise! If you are at the place of making a promise to one another you better stop long enough to make preparation to fulfill that promise!
We hear about planned parenthood but very little about planned marriage! We know that without planning we will fail at work. We will fail at school. We will fail at athletics. We know we will fail in every area without planning except it seems in marriage. We spend months and perhaps years planning every detail of the wedding ceremony and even the honeymoon and then the planning ceases! We plan the wedding and fail to plan the marriage! Some of our weddings came off perfect but our marriage is a hot mess because we have no plan, no order, no shared dreams, and no shared vision of where we are headed. And without a vision the marriage perishes!
It’s funny that we plead with God to arrange our wedding . . . at least I did. Maybe you just took the first thing that came along but I sought God to help me find the right one. But then how many of us ask God to help us pick the right one but fail to ever seek His assistance in ordering our marriage once we find that one?
In Ephesians 5:1 we are told:
“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents.”
The pattern of arranging or planning is something we should learn and practice.
Why should we arrange our marriage? Because we follow the example of our God. He has been planning for a marriage since the beginning of time. He has planned the wedding supper (the wedding) but He has also planned where will live and how we will spend our time! He has worked to plan eternity! He is a God of order. He is a God of planning!
Text: Genesis 2:24
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
The word “Cleave” literally means “glued together” or they are compatible and in agreement on the major issues of life.
In other words, their marriage is arranged!
Here are 4 key areas you had better arrange which you can only do if you are willing to talk, confront, and prayerfully work through the details:
1. Time. You must make time for one another. Your job will demand your time. Your kids will demand time. Your education will demand time. Your house will demand time. Our society will demand your time! And as busy as it is I want to remind you that should demand time for one another. One day it will just be you two again and if you don’t take time for one another now you won’t know one another later. If you are not diligent you can end up with not only an empty nest but an empty life and heart! Sharing your home with a stranger! We reveal our level of selflessness by how we give our time!
I want to tell you that it is possible to grow apart. We know that and we hear that. But I also want you to know that it is possible to grow together! You do that by investing time! Some of you have time for everything else but your family. The truth is we all have the same allotment of time. It is the most valuable commodity that you have and we burn through it without thinking or planning. We can run out of time! You can get more money. You can get more things. You can’t get more time! If you don’t arrange your time you will wake up years later and ask the question “where has all the time gone?”
When is that last time that you spent quality time with your spouse or your kids? Time away. Not a trip necessarily but quality time. Your calendar reveals your heart! How you spend your time reveals what you really love!
It is the time you invest that will ensure that your relationship and family make it for the long haul.
2. Dreams. If you don’t share dreams you won’t share one another’s heart for long. It isn’t enough to share a house you must share your dreams.
When you share a dream your hope stays alive. What is it that you are longing for, pushing for, living for? Where are you headed? You won’t just accidentally end up at your dream. You must intentionally move in lockstep towards a common goal/destination. Your dreams will be fulfilled as you both work to make them real! It is the dream that makes the hard work doable and palatable. What common goal are you pushing for, believing for, investing in, and giving towards. You can’t have two visions that is “di” vision. Share dreams equals shared life!
3. Finances.
Financial arguments and tension is still the number one reason that relationships end up broken! You had better have a financial plan. You had better make sure that your entire family is headed in the same direction and has the same goal financially. Otherwise your hard earned money will be spent on something that doesn’t get you to the goal. Without an agreed upon plan small choices will be made that impact your future and you will end up where you didn’t want to end up.
Here is a novel idea. Talk about money with your spouse and your kids. Your kids will learn their financial skills from you!
We have several rules that we established early on in our marriage.
Neither one of us can spend over a $100 without checking in first.
We will tithe faithfully.
There must be agreement on financial decisions. This is a major peace factor in our home. If one of us is uncomfortable with a financial decision that is a deal breaker in any purchase, investment, or choice.
You need to talk through these things with your family! Have you established any boundaries, ground rules, or course of action?
4. Physically.
You need to arrange your physical life with your spouse. I know you think that it is going to be like what you have seen in the movies and it is going to always be so spontaneously romantic. You will walk in at least 3 times a week and there will be roses spread out on the floor leading you to a candle lit room where soft music is playing. Wake up! If you wait for the spontaneous you will end up with sporadic and sparse!
I think one of the biggest problems in marriages today when it comes to the physical is all of the unwritten and unrealistic expectations each partner has. These expectations lead to major hurt feelings and open the door to the temptation to find fulfillment elsewhere. Yet no one ever talks about their needs. So the poor guy or poor girl finds out by the exit, the cold shoulder, or by the unexplained explosive argument that there were needs that they were expected to fulfill and they didn’t know.
I realize that arranging (planning) the physical part of your relationship isn’t storybook or movie material but I promise you that if you will at least discuss your needs with your spouse it will lead to a more rewarding relationship! I would also suggest that if you would arrange the physical side of your life you would see spontaneity increase as well.
We will spend hours arranging our work life, our hobby, our sock drawer (oh wait maybe I am the only anal individual in the room)! Isn't it time we spend some time arranging the most important gift and relationship God has given us.
So how do we start that process? We have just been winging it. How do we start that type of conversation?
I am going to help you this morning.
The Next 20 Plan – be blunt, be specific. These are the things I need from you to make sure we make it 20 more years and that we are stronger in 20 years. Now remember you are going to get one too. This should be something that you set down and see what common ground you have covered.
If you aren’t willing to plan for the next 20 the chances are you won’t make it the next 20 and if you do you will simply survive.
Single folks you need to fill this out now because it will help you narrow down the field. This will also let the person you think is the right one know if they can work the plan and you will discover if they are willing to work the plan.
