Introduction
Are divorce and remarriage okay? I suppose of all the questions that have been raised by the letter of 1 Corinthians, this is the one that draws the greatest anticipation as to how it will be answered. Other questions are controversial and spark ardent debate. We may even enjoy the debates. But not this one. There is little fun to be had in this discussion.
Most likely everyone in this room has been affected by divorce. Perhaps you are divorced. Perhaps your parents are divorced or your children. Few people can boast of an extended family in which there are no divorces – a brother or sister, uncle or aunt, cousin. And probably no one can say they have no friend or acquaintance who has been divorced or affected by it. In a society in which half the marriages end in divorce (and evidently the figure is nearly the same in the church), we are all touched by it.
So what is going to be said? Did you who are divorced sin? Has God removed his blessing from you? Have you sinned by remarrying? Can you remarry or is that denied you for the rest of your life? Others of you may want to know if divorce is an option for you. Are you stuck in a bad marriage? Would you be sinning to leave? Would you be cast out of the church?
Others of you want to know if I am going to fudge on the issue. Am I going to cave in to the modern values I so often preach against? Am I a softy who excuses sin or a hardliner who holds tightly to the law? Which will it be? I’ll tell you what I am going to try to be and that is a pastor who speaks to your troubles in this area. Divorce is not an academic issue. Very little else causes the upheaval and pain that it causes, unless one adds the troubles that lead to divorce in the first place.
Text
To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.
This is a rare occasion where Paul specifically attributes a command from Jesus. He does so, not so much to give the charge added weight, but because in verse 13 he will address an issue that Jesus did not have occasion to do so. For what he is about to say, however, he is merely reiterating what the Lord has made clear: do not break up a marriage.
The wife should not separate from her husband… and the husband should not divorce his wife. In both instances, Paul is speaking of divorce which was simple to obtain. If one thinks no-fault divorce laws make divorce too easy in our society, consider that all that was needed in the Roman Empire during Paul’s day was for the married couples to separate. No legal document was needed. Typically, the circumstance would be for the woman to separate by leaving her husband, or the husband to send her away, which is what the Greek term for “divorce” literally means. There was no legal “separation period” that preceded divorce.
It is important to remind ourselves the context in which Paul is speaking. He is not writing a paper on the subject of divorce. He is responding to a situation in Corinth. From 7:1-5 we know that some married persons believe they should abstain from physical relations with their spouses. It most likely has something to do with thinking that they now live in a “new age” marked by the coming of the Holy Spirit, and that they personally have risen to a higher spirituality that puts them above such carnal relations. It seems that at least some of them are considering divorce so they are freed from such bonds, and thus may concentrate on the spiritual life. This certainly makes sense in light of Paul’s admonition that they must maintain conjugal relations while married. If divorced, they no longer have such an obligation. Paul says, No. That’s not an option either. If you are married, you must remain married.
We then want to ask our questions. What about adultery? What about abuse? Those are not the issues presented to Paul. There is the issue of marriage to an unbeliever, and he will address that.
He does address the related issue of remarriage: 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband). That Paul speaks specifically of the woman is further indication that in Corinth the predominant situation is the wife leaving the husband. One may ask why women who leave their husbands to be more spiritual would need to be told not to marry. It is for the same reason couples who make a hasty decision to get married need to be told not to divorce. What seems good on the spur of the moment changes once the action has been taken. The instruction here applies to both wives and husbands.
The first observation to make is that Paul keeps in line with Jewish and Christian teaching. He says that the woman (and the man) is not free to marry another. She can, however, be reconciled to her husband. She and he, should they separate, are to remain chaste and unbound to another person. Paul is merely reiterating the common teaching of the law and of Christ.
Deuteronomy 24:1-4 presents a situation of a woman being divorced by her husband because “he has found some indecency in her.” She then remarries another man who either divorces her or dies, leaving her a widow. Regardless of the cause for being released from the second marriage, it forbids her remarrying her first husband, noting that she was defiled. This is a controversial passage today and was so in Jesus’ and Paul’s day as well. What does “indecency” mean? Why was she regarded as “defiled”? However these questions are answered, the passage at the very least makes remarriage to one’s former spouse after being married to another problematic.
Jesus, if anything, is more prohibitive about remarriage:
“It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matthew 5:31-32).
He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery” (Matthew 19:8-9).
Going back to our text, the point being made is that should divorce occur, the divorced couple ought to remain unmarried; otherwise, they are guilty of adultery. Only remarriage to their former spouses is allowed. (I will come back to remarriage next Sunday. You will have to be patient until then.)
In these passages given from the law and Jesus’ teachings, special import is given to sexual union for making a marriage and maintaining its integrity. Paul also gives it strong weight. Look back to 6:16: Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” Sexual union is not merely a part of marriage. Similar to what the sacraments are for the Christian faith, so sexual union is for marriage. It is a sign and seal of the couples’ union. (Do not misquote me. I did not say that it is a sacrament or that marriage is a sacrament. It functions in a similar manner.) It is so bound up in a couple’s union before the Lord that to practice it outside marriage, especially if one is married, is to defile oneself before God.
Going back to our two verses, another observation to make is that though divorce is prohibited, it is happening, and Paul, instead of disciplining or excommunicating the individuals, as he does in chapter 5 to a sexual offender, merely gives further guidelines as to what not to do once a person is divorced. He does not condone persons initiating divorce taking place; yet, neither does he condemn them. Instead, he tries to control the situation to keep it from getting out of hand.
Lessons
What do we do with this information? First of all, it is clear we are not to adopt our culture’s view of divorce. Our culture regards divorce as perhaps an unfortunate experience to go through, but nothing more than that. People make mistakes. They get married too young or too hastily. People change. A couple may be right for one another at one time but as each person changes over time, they no longer fit together. Divorce allows them to break their ties and start over. Indeed, divorce can be a positive experience, especially when it frees a person from a controlling or demanding partner. This is our culture’s take on marriage and divorce. It views marriage as little more than a legal contract in which couples agree to share their assets, live together and raise children, although today, only the matter of sharing assets is reserved for marriage.
Such a view discounts Jesus’ presentation of marriage:
“Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
How one perceives the nature of marriage is the most important factor in keeping a marriage together. Before the Baby Boomer generation, which includes me, divorce was relatively rare. A number of valid reasons can be given, but if you were to interview Christian couples who have been married forty years or more, almost everyone will attest to this assertion. However smooth or rocky their marriages may have been, they understood that marriage was a lifetime commitment before God, and they were supposed to keep their word.
By the way, we should all take warning not to be a part of breaking up someone else’s marriage. We should not sow seeds of discontent, pointing out the faults of a person’s spouse. When relatives and friends come to us for counsel or to vent, we should think of how to help the marriage.
The second lesson to learn is the attention couples are to give to their marriages. Some of the Corinthians wanted to excuse their marital duties by appealing to spiritual intentions. Paul makes clear that once you are married, you owe one another yourselves. This is not just about sex. It is about living out the oneness that sexual union signifies. Indeed, do not get married for the sole purpose of avoiding being “aflame with passion”; you certainly will have troubles. With marriage comes commitment to love, to respect, to take care of, to be true partners, etc. A spouse is not a mere addition to one’s life to help round off a pleasurable life: I have my friends from companionship, my church for spiritual uplifting, my job for self-fulfillment, and my spouse for physical pleasures. It don’t work that way.
You have got to work at marriage. Those romance pangs that make you yearn to live forever with that special someone, that make you feel that life will be always wonderful when in his or her presence – they are bait to reel you into the boat. What is going to make your marriage measure up somewhat closely to your dreams will be your commitment to work at it day in and day out. No vacations when it comes to marriage. No days off. No taking your spouse for granted, assuming that he or she will excuse your rudeness and laziness. Love means having to say you are sorry lots of times, and it requires you having to say it and show it over and over again.
What if your marriage is showing strain? It is getting late to overturn the mistakes made; perhaps it is too late. Get help now. Please do not do what most couples do, which is to wait until the marriage in effect is already over before asking for help. I’ve rarely been able to save a marriage when a couple finally asked for help, and the reason is that one or both of the spouses had already crossed the line of no return. Don’t be ashamed to seek help. Find it here in your church – your pastor, your elders, your brothers and sisters. In such a time of trial it is important for you to be connected.
But what if the lessons are too late to learn? The marriage is over; the divorce is final. Are you like Esau who sold his birthright for a bowl of porridge and then lost the blessing of his father? Is there to be no blessing for you? I want you to listen to me carefully. It is important to hear all that I have to say; else you will take the wrong message. You are also going to have to translate what you hear to your situation. I can only make general statements. You have to apply them to your specifics.
First, divorce is by definition a failure of a marriage. Don’t sugarcoat it, and don’t excuse your part in the failure. It may be you have the more guilt of the two spouses; it may be equal quilt, or even more on the other’s part. Your guilt may simply be that of entering into a marriage destined to fail. You used poor judgment. You did not see the signs you should have that your intended would be the wrong spouse for you. Whatever the case, you need to face up to the marriage’s failure and your role in it.
This is an essential gospel principle. Until I can own my sin, my failure, I cannot move forward into the blessing of grace and mercy. If you focus blame on your former spouse or other circumstances that broke up your marriage, you will remain deluded about yourself and fail to really grasp the gospel. You will fail to grow in grace. Don’t get me wrong. Marriages do often fail that would have done well except for circumstances that come along and put undue pressure on them – the lost of a child, financial ruin, collapse of health. People, who would normally be good husbands and wives, do crack under the strain of abusive spouses. But the point is this: if you view divorce as merely a way out of an intolerable circumstance that you fell into, you then miss out on the real work that could be done on your heart. What is it that God wants you to examine about yourself? What sin is it that he intends to heal you of despite the pain?
Second, accept the consequences of your failure. The biggest and most painful is being alone, at least for awhile. Divorce is painful; at least it should be. It should rack your emotions. It is suffering. Accept that. It doesn’t go on forever, but it does for awhile. Divorce is the death of a relationship. That hurts, and it can even be worse than the death of a spouse. At least then you have good memories of a loving relationship; with divorce you the worse experience of having love turn into indifference or hate. That is hard to endure.
Accept that divorce is messy. The legal system has worked hard to make divorces less messy and more easily processed, but it cannot so easily take care of the shame, the anger, and the hurt that divorce produces. Friends get caught up in the mess not knowing if or how to take sides, how to be friends in such a time. Divorce can be very messy in the church as Christians try to understand what is right before God, who needs sympathy or confronting. The leaders try to discern what is right, should they discipline? Then who? For what? Mistakes are always made by someone. Divorce causes turmoil.
Now that I have gotten you sufficiently depressed, let’s go back to the question: Can you still be blessed by God? Of course. If you cannot then there is no gospel. Why did Paul not kick out the Corinthians who were divorced out of the church? If he kicked out everyone who failed – whether it be in marriage or some other thing – he would have a small church indeed. I have to tell you as a Minister of the Gospel that, yes, you must confess your sin in divorce, but you must also confess that your only hope has ever been in the grace and mercy shown to you by your Savior and Lord Jesus Christ.
Is there anyone here who actually believes that you have received God’s blessing because you have proved yourself to be worthy of it? If you do, then may God show such mercy to you and let you experience such a failure that will rid you of such a delusion. You are saved by grace. Christ died for you because you are a failure. By Christ’s righteousness alone are you accepted by God. By his atoning death alone are you forgiven of your sins which are as heinous as anyone else’s.
Whether you are divorced or as happily married as you could want to be, it is the gospel that you need to receive God’s blessing.
