“Building Quality Relationships: With Family - Living With Order in Your Home”
Ephesians 6:1-4
If I asked you if you thought you could subscribe to the Communist Manifesto, you’d probably be inclined to say “No,” even if you didn’t know what it contained. And if I asked you if our government should subscribe to it, you’d probably say “No.” But here’s some reality. The Manifesto states, “We must rid ourselves of the burgeois claptrap about the sacredness of the family, especially about the hallowed relationship of husbands and wives and of parents to their children.” It then goes on to propose the methodology by which to accomplish this lessening of family importance: shift the responsibility for raising children from the family to the social institution. (1) While we may think we’d never adopt communistic principles, this one seems to have crept into our nation and culture in a major way.
What happens in our families influences what happens in our culture. If ever there is a place for quality relationships, it’s the family. So it’s no surprise that the Apostle Paul includes the family in his list of relationships in his Ephesian letter. The first thing to notice is that FAMILY LIFE MUST BE SEEN IN THE CONTEXT OF MUTUAL SUBMISSION. Let’s review for a moment. The section we’re studying begins in Eph. 5:18 where Paul says we are to be continually filled with the Spirit. When we are, we begin to relate to one another through spiritual behavior and language, we live with an attitude of gratitude, and we submit to one another out of reverence for Jesus Christ. That mutual submission is to be seen in all our relationships – including marriage, work, and family. So FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS ARE PART OF GOD’S ORDERING OF THE WORLD. Mutuality is part and parcel of creation. Everyone and everything is subject to someone or something.
So how did God set up this family mutual submission? It is based on the fact that OUR FAMILY CONCEPT DERIVES FROM GOD’S. In chapter 3:14-15 Paul wrote, “For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family (from whom all fatherhood) derives its name.” Family derives its name and very being from God our Father. So just as God cares for His family we care for ours. His pattern is our pattern. Paul, in fact, continues by stating what He prays for from this Father (16-19 NLT): “I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” The family is the primary place where God’s love is communicated, modeled, and experienced. Family life is built through submission to God’s design and will.
Therefore the parent-child relationship is built through submission to God’s design and will. Let’s look at childhood in this light. CHILDHOOD MUST BE SEEN IN THE CONTEXT OF MUTUAL SUBMISSION. Just as the husband and wife build their marriage through a particular mutual submission (5:21-33), so, first, children – and youth – are to share in a particular submission. (6:1-3 CEV) “Children, you belong to the Lord, and you do the right thing when you obey your parents. The first commandment with a promise says, 2 “Obey your father and your mother, 3 and you will have a long and happy life.””
Children and youth – always remember that OBEDIENCE IS REASONABLE AND EXPECTED. Let me pause for a moment to make something clear so no one misunderstands what I’m about to say. If there is any kind of abuse from a parent to a child this does not hold – I am not saying that no matter what, even in the middle of abuse, a child needs to obey. If there is abuse, children and young people, know there is help and you have a right to it. With that exception set aside, we can say that obedience is reasonable and expected. While the fact that God said it should be enough reason to submit and obey parents, it’s important to understand how God has built this obedience into the fabric of life. Obedience is, first, SPIRITUALLY RIGHT. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Paul quoted the 10 commandments as the basis of his words: “Honor your father and mother…” The Israelites had spent all those years in slavery, so even though they lived in family units, their lives were owned, run, and controlled by the ruling powers of Egypt. But now they were free and God wanted them to invest in and establish a new order for living – a new order that would not only bring vibrancy and stability to their lives but to their society as well. So God told them that they were to invest in growing a stable family unit. But how to do so was the question. The Hebrew word in the commandment for ‘honor’ means ‘to give weight to or make weighty with respect.’ In the ancient world a heavy person was more than likely an affluent person and thereby was to be honored and respected. So the sense of the command to ‘honor’ indicates ‘to prize highly, care for, show respect to, and obey parents.’ History shows that the Jews caught this principle. From the Old Testament right up to today, the traditional Jewish family structure has always been built on order and stability that gave them strength and discipline. At the very heart of this structure was a high reverence and respect for parents and older members of the family.
IT IS DIVINELY PLEASING. Obedience pleases the Lord. (Col. 3:20) “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Even Jesus was obedient to His parents. (Lk. 2:51) “Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them.” If Jesus was obedient, and obedience pleases the Lord, obedience is a no-brainer.
And IT IS DIVINELY REWARDED “…that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Long life means there will be community and family stability. The family unit is the primary, most important unit of any society. From Genesis on it is very clear that the family is the core of life. That’s why God added the promise of long life for those families who obey the command – obedience to the command ensures the stability of the culture. The Bible is brutally honest in showing how strong, stable families impact society positively and how weak, unstable families impact society negatively. The Israelites knew that it is the orderly functioning of the family unit that ensures life. In fact, the Law of Moses had provisions for the protection of children, which set them off from other nations & religions which often treated children poorly and unjustly. Nations and religions which do so ultimately fall and collapse. That’s why there is such concern in our day when we are experiencing the decentralizing of the role of family and the shifting definition of family.
The transmission of values, the sharing of foundations that lead to order in society must take place in the home. Pastor Maxie Dunham summarized this succinctly. “I believe one of the primary reasons Judaism has survived across the years is precisely its family structure. The Jews survived the Holocaust and thousands of years of anti-Semitism because the Jewish family had a sense of identity and a sense of order. It doesn’t matter where the family is on the Sabbath, when the Sabbath comes, they stop and pray. It didn’t matter what Hitler and all the powers of Nazism said, when Passover came it was time to tell the story, even if the family was gathered in a concentration camp and there were no candles to light. There was a sense of order and identity that gave them roots and strength and perspective and discipline. At the heart of that family structure was a reverence for parents, a high regard, a respect, an esteem for the older members of the family. The elderly were honored and cared for.” As Joy Davidman put it, “…a society that destroys the family, destroys itself.”
OBEDIENCE TO PARENTS FLOWS FROM OBEDIENCE TO THE LORD. Parents are not to Lord it over ther children but to represent the Lord to them. “Obey your parents in the Lord…” He is your priority. Out of love and obedience to Jesus, obey and honor your parents. Children and youth - I cannot say it any more clearly than what I said earlier: prize highly, care for, show respect to, and obey your parents. Do not do anything that disregards or disgraces your parents; do anything that brings them honor. I know, it sounds dictatorial and unfair – but God said so. It’s for your good and for your future. You will have times you will not like what your boss, or your spouse, or your supervisor, or your government – or even God – tells you to do; but God commands you to obey (as long as it is ‘in the Lord’ (Eph. 6:1)). And you learn to do so by obeying and honoring your parents. Proverbs 1:8 – “Listen, my child, to what your father teaches you. Don’t neglect your mother’s teaching. What you learn from them will crown you with grace and clothe you with honor.”
There’s an embarrassing but beautiful incident in Genesis 9:20-27 that is instructive. Noah laid drunk in his tent in a shameful state. Shem and Japheth honored their father by walking in backwards so as not to look at him as they covered his nakedness. Their brother Ham, however, did not and was punished by God. We don’t honor a father merely because he is honorable but because he is a father. Obey your parents not because they are the wisest, fairest, or coolest but because they are the parents God has given you. Invest in your future through the respect, honor, and obedience you give to your parents.
But let’s also look at parenthood. Samuel Sava, an early childhood education advocate who helped in the development of Project Head Start and held several executive positions with education-related organizations, stated “It's not better teachers, texts, or curricula that our children need most; it's better childhoods, and we will never see lasting school reform until we see parent reform.” (2) Parent reform begins with the recognition that PARENTHOOD MUST BE SEEN IN THE CONTEXT OF MUTUAL SUBMISSION. “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
This submission is lived out through OBEDIENCE TO THE LORD. It is center stage every time parents stand here and make vows at the time of Baptism: “Do you promise to instruct this child in the truth of God’s word, in the way of salvation through Jesus Christ; to pray for them, to teach them to pray; and to train them in Christ’s way by your example, through worship, and in the nurture of the church?”
Two key Scriptures guide parents. (Dt. 6) “Love GOD, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that's in you, love him with all you've got! Write these commandments that I've given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.” (Eph. 6:4) “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
IT CONSISTS OF TWO ELEMENTS. Dr. Morris Wee has put it nicely: “Since God has appointed father and mother to rule in his stead in the home, it is the parents’ duty to learn God’s will, keep it themselves and apply it firmly in the family. If parents are indifferent to God’s desires, they forfeit the right to rule in His behalf. They may then enforce their will, but parents who are disobedient to the Heavenly Father themselves deserve no obedience from their children.”
First, “Training’ means putting into the mind; it’s largely verbal. It means you are to TEACH. You are your children’s first priests – you are the ones to represent and present God to them. It is your responsibility to help them look and live like Jesus, not like you. Raise and nurture them in His image, not yours. Fill their minds and hearts with the Law of God. Teach them God’s words about right & wrong & consequences; help them understand blessings and curses. Who will speak faith into the lives of your children and grandchildren? Who will plant their roots? They need to know about Scripture and its authority, creation and their purpose for living, about eternity, about God as three-in-one, about sin and salvation, and about Jesus as the only way to salvation. They need a worldview that explains our origins, that makes sense of marriage, that clarifies the beauty and proper role of our sexual natures, and that gives them the underpinnings for viewing life as sacred. Who will speak this faith into their lives? Who will plant their roots? Mom and Dad, grandma and grandpa, it must be you. When it comes to teaching music or art or sports, we send our children off to experts. But we can’t outsource our children’s faith building. That is the responsibility of parents. Those who control the story, control the culture. We have the grand story! As Paul wrote to Timothy (1 Tim. 4:16), “Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.” It’s time to save our children’s generation!
Second, ‘Instruction’ refers to nurturing, and chastening; it involves action. It means you are to MODEL a life of faith. Demonstrate faith by way you live. Remember the baptismal vows, “…and to train them in Christ’s way by your example, through worship, and in the nurture of the church?” Children learn by the way we live. “If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, He learns to be shy. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world”
Ask yourself, “What if my child grows up to be like me?”
I want to offer one final word of encouragement. There is no guarantee of success! Hebrew has series of words that come from same root, which means they are all related (not like English sole fish and sole of shoe); the words for parents, law (Torah), gentle rains, and archer are all from the same root. When we put them all together, we discover that the Jews believed that we cannot control the winds and storms nor construct the arrows; all we can do is shoot the arrows properly and straight, which means to rely on the law. The best we can do is to follow the guidebook and pray for gentle rains.
As we claim at baptism - our children are God’s, not ours. Our task is to teach them about God and Jesus, and to model God. In the Church our children are placed on the road; whether or not stay on it is beyond our control. We trust that when we raise them in the way they will not depart from it. Our ultimate task is to release them to God, for He is able to keep that which we commit to Him. Parents submit to the Lord as they commit their children to Him.
WHEN THE LAST CHILD LEAVES (Robert M. Stanley)
The last one cleaned his bedroom out; He left today at five.
There was not much to talk about; His car backed down the drive.
This is the first night they all sleep Behind some other door.
This is the first night these rooms keep Our children safe no more.
They never were our own to hold; We had them for that time
When they could not yet handle cold And needed help to climb.
You loved them, Lord, before the day They came into our sight.
You love them more than words can say –Please love them well tonight.
(1) Thomas R. Jarrel, “Holy Wedlock or Unholy Deadlock?”, Pulpit Digest May-June, 1980, p. 3
(2) Copyright © 2012 by the author or Christianity Today/ PreachingToday.com.
