“Building Quality Relationships: With Spouses – Master Marriage”
Eph. 5:18-33
There’s a theory that states “Good marriages are made in heaven.” Sounds good – but I don’t buy it. Good marriages are designed there, but they are made on earth. And since they are, we must learn how to master marriage. There’s no better place to turn than Eph. 5:18-33. While discussing Christ’s relationship to His Body, the Church, Paul wrote some critical words about marriage.
He began with WORDS TO WIVES. “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” I can already feel the temperature rising! But hold on as we come to an understanding of these words. When we’re done I’m convinced you’ll be glad you did. Part of the mutual submission of verse 21 is that wives are to recognize THE HUSBAND IS THE HEAD OF THE WIFE. I admit that for too long many have misinterpreted and abused these verses to justify male domination. So it’s important to understand both the word Paul uses and the world in which he lived. In Paul’s day women were, at best, a piece of property owned by and under the control of men. Paul’s words, when rightly understood, actually elevated the status of women and wives.
The key word here is kephale (from which we get our word cephalic) – meaning ‘head’. Greek scholars have listed 25 possible meanings for kephale and words like ‘authority,’ ‘superior rank,’ ‘leader,’ are not on the list. Rather the word as used in Ephesians has more to do with source or origin. In English we speak, for example, of a river’s source as the ‘headwaters.’ The river has a source, at its ‘head’ that brings it water and life. So when Paul stated that Christ is head of the church he meant that He is the origin, the lifeline of the church. Eph. 4:15 – “…we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love…” So the husband is the head of the wife not in having authority or superior rank, but as the life-giver and sustainer for the wife. Authority is not the focus of headship. Rather “headship has to do with care more than with control, with responsibility more than with rule, with self-giving rather than with dominance.” (1) So wives, relax. Paul is not the anti-feminist he’s often portrayed to be. He’s on your side. No; actually He’s on God’s side. He’s given you a life-source.
In fact, Paul continues the parallel between Jesus and the husband by stating that as Christ is the savior of the church, SO THE HUSBAND IS THE SAVIOR OF THE WIFE. “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”Headship is not so much lordship as saviorhood. I’ll say more about that shortly when I address the role of husbands. For now, realize that God expects the husband to be the saving, redeeming, life-giver for his wife.
And it’s from within this context of the husband as the life-source and savior that Paul wrote “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” The whole key once again is the parallel points us to Jesus. Wives, how do you relate to Jesus Christ? Because of Jesus’ death on the cross, because of His undying love for you, you submit to Him – joyfully and willingly. Paul simply said to submit in the same spirit to your husband: SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBANDS AS TO THE LORD. Wives - how do you submit to Christ? You make a decision to do so. It’s voluntary. It’s not forced; it’s something you choose. You submit because you have chosen to love him and want to honor him. This submission is whole-hearted; it’s the most exciting relationship imaginable. Last week we said submission means to give preference to another, to place oneself under voluntarily; to give up your own interests for sake of one whom you love. Does that describe your attitude towards your husband? Willingly receive the life he gives you. Let him love you. It’s not an issue of what he does but of what you do. MARRIAGE IS NOT SO MUCH FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON AS BEING THE RIGHT PERSON. You be so loving and lovable that your husband longs to give you life!
But remember the Lord. Debbie Hedstrom once shared her discovery about the meaning of submission. “I needed to know what submission really meant. I’d heard definitions that ranged from ‘strict obedience’ to ‘joint effort.’ Unfortunately there’s no place in Scripture that states ‘submission is…’ But the Lord defined it for me one day as I read the crucifixion account. Coming to the events in the Garden of Gethsemane, I’d noted Christ’s words: ‘Not what I will but what Thou wilt.’ His words not only defined submission but they revealed one of the reasons why I had failed so terribly at being submissive – I was starting at the wrong place. SUBMISSION DOES NOT BEGIN WITH MY HUSBAND, IT BEGINS WITH GOD.”
Wives – how is your relationship with Jesus? Don’t worry at the moment about your husband’s relationship with Jesus, or with you. Right now focus on your relationship with Jesus. How is it? Being the right person begins with a right, tight relationship with Jesus. Only with that foundation can you support, encourage, love, and pray for your husband.
But now it’s time to check out Paul’s WORDS TO HUSBANDS. “Husbands, love your wives…” Now nowhere does it tell wives to love their husbands – I figure that’s because we husbands are already so lovable that it doesn’t need to be said! Of course, it could be that Paul knew we’re so impossible that he just didn’t bother to say it! The fact is Paul is stressing what he had just said about headship. Husbands – be the life-giver to your wife. She gets her life from you. You are responsible for her life, her growth, her spirit, and her spiritual well-being.
Paul even gives husbands a pattern and a model: “Husbands, LOVE YOUR WIVES JUST AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH…” So the question is, just how does Jesus love the church? First, Jesus loved the Church WILLFULLY. He made a conscious decision to do so – not because we were so lovable but because He decided to. There is nothing in us to draw or earn his love.
The word used here for love is agape. In Greek there are several words for love. There’s eros – love of the passions and emotion – erotic. There is also phileos – brotherly love (hence, Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love). But agape is a love of the will, based on commitment, the way God loves us; God, in Jesus, loves us because He promised he would. Rom. 5:8: “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us;” not after we became worthy, or measured up, but while we were still in rebellion against him. Love is most prominent and powerful at the very moments when it’s least deserved. Never wait for your spouse to earn love, to be worthy; just love. When love is tough, ask “Did God stop loving me when the “magic” went out of my relationship with him?” Of course not – and we are to keep loving even when the magic is gone. There are times when Barb looks into my eyes and thinks she sees the most adorable, attractive, wonderful person she’s ever known. That’s on a good day - a rare day in fact! On many other days she sees something far less and remembers the “for better, for worse” promise. Fortunately for me, she’s been true to her promise and commitment! She knows that in our marriage grace is required. My hunch is your marriage needs grace as well. Husbands, you’ve made a decision, a vow, to love your wife. Do so. As someone said, fewer marriages would skid if more who said “I do”, did!
Jesus also loved the church SACRIFICIALLY. He “…gave himself up for her.” Jesus came to earth with the express purpose of dying so we – the church – could have life. He knew that life comes through giving life up. We have been created to lose ourselves in others and marriage is no exception. Marriage is not primarily a legal contract. In God’s eyes it is not a matter of rights and entitlements but a gift and privilege of self-giving. Vigen Guroian has written, “Marriage is a form of martyrdom. …Indicative of this, ancient Christian wedding rings were cast ‘with two profiles united by a cross.’ With like significance, in the Byzantine rite of matrimony, before the bride and groom drink from the common cup and dance the dance of Isaiah, they must wear crowns of martyrdom.” It doesn’t make marriage sound real glorious, does it? But remember, as with Jesus, so with us – love is sacrifice.
Thirdly, husbands love your wives PURPOSEFULLY. “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” God always loves with a purpose and the purpose is not self-centered! He loves us in Jesus to make us perfect and holy before him. His love is transforming! The agape love tells husbands to strive to make your spouse more beautiful with each passing day – until the day you are proud to have her stand glorious before Christ! And whether or not your spouse stands there glorious is up to you! You are her life-giver! As Eugene Peterson translates these words from Ephesians: “Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. ” The apostle Peter (1Pt. 3:7) wrote, “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together…she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.”
There was a prince and his family who were captured by an enemy king. When brought before this king the prince was asked, “What will you give me if I release you?” “Half of my wealth,” was the prince’s reply. “And if I release your children?” “Everything I possess.” “And if I release your wife?” “Your majesty, for her I would give myself,” said the prince. The king was so moved by the prince’s devotion to his family that he freed them all. As they returned home, the prince said to his wife, “Wasn’t the king a handsome man!” With a look of deep love for her husband, she replied “I didn’t notice. I could keep my eyes only on the one who was willing to give himself for my sake.” Husbands – are you really giving yourself up for your wife? Do you think more of what you can give than of what you are or are not receiving? Are you losing yourself in your mate? Husbands – hear me. There are more words said in Ephesians about your responsibility than of the wife’s. I think it’s because if you love your wife as Christ loved the church, she will jump at the opportunity to submit to you as she does to the Lord. She doesn’t need instruction on love – she needs the inspiration of love.
Let me add a few WORDS TO COUPLES. Good marriages are designed in heaven, but they are made on earth. And it takes hard work. It reminds me of the pastor of a big city church who ran an ad for a care-taker/housekeeper. The next day, a well-dressed young man appeared at the pastor’s door. But before he could say more than “Hello, I came to see about...,” the pastor began questioning him. “Can you sweep, make beds, shovel walks, run errands, fix meals, balance a checkbook, and baby-sit?” “Whoa,” said the young man. “I only came to see about getting married, but if it’s that much work, I’m not interested!” MARRIAGE TAKES HARD WORK; a good marriage will not just happen. Good marriages involve life-long commitment to another person - for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health, until death parts. It takes time, effort, and energy. Ruel Howe wrote, “Some of us may be surprised to learn that love is work and has tremendous tasks to perform. We are more likely to think of love as always wearing party clothes and playing glamorously in perpetual sunsets and moonlight. What a surprise to discover that love does some of its more serious work in stained and torn blue jeans in the heat of day.”
It is my hope and prayer that you will put in the hard work so that when death does part you, there will be no regrets. In her book “Tough and Tender” Joyce Landorf wrote of a man she had known for some years. He had never opened the car door for his wife. He simply felt it was a ‘sissy Emily Post’ kind of thing to do. “Besides,” he was fond of saying, “she doesn’t have two broken arms.”And his table manners left much to be desired, as did most of his other manners. After many years of marriage his wife died and he was truly heartbroken, for he did love her. Somehow, as the pall bearers brought her casket out of the funeral service, he and his family reached the hearse ahead of it. The mortician, since he knew the husband well, called to him and said, “Open the door for her, will you?” He reached for the door and then, for one second, just froze. He realized he had never opened a car door for her before; now in her death it would be the first, last, and only time. It was a moment for him when years of regrets came crushing down around him.
NOW IS THE TIME TO DO THE HARD WORK. Now is the time to get rid of regrets – the only way to do so is by concentrating more on giving love than on receiving it. There are no cut rate good marriages – good marriages are costly. Grace is free but living a committed life is costly – it cost Jesus his very life. And such a life is not impossible. This whole section of Ephesians is anchored in 5:18; “...be filled with the Spirit.” No matter what the state of your marriage today, it can be better, stronger, and more holy. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us through his Spirit. With Him all things are possible; without Him nothing is possible. So in these next moments let’s open our hearts and make more room for the Spirit of God.
(1) William L. Hogan, ‘Spirit-filled Marriage’, May 29, 1988, © 1988 by Dr. William Hogan
