Taking Responsibility for Our Lives
Series: Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
Brad Bailey – March 11, 2012
Intro
We are continuing in our series Emotionally Healthy Spirituality….focused on restoring some healthy understanding to our spiritual formation… that can lead to emotional health and maturity.
God desires to restore our wholeness…including our inner life….. emotional wholeness.
As Paul says in 1 Thessalonians…
“May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together—spirit, soul, and body—and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ.” - 1 Thessalonians 5:23 (MSG)
So last week….we saw that becoming emotionally mature adults is a process….. and none have fully developed.
It is about becoming individuals who can take a healthy responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and choices.
This emerges from love. I believe that when parents have an ability to love…. provide security and significance…we can individuate into relatively emotionally healthy adults. But no parent or person is perfectly loving. So we are all have varying degrees of struggling to take a healthy responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and choices.
The problem is that…
We are still in recovery from the root of our separation from God.
“…separated from the life of God” - Ephesians 4:18
The Scriptures begin telling us that we have lost the very source of life.
As Paul says, we are “separated from the life of God” (Ephesians 4:18). We must be reconciled to life the way it was created to work.
In the beginning…God created us to live in relationship to Him as the source and center of life… and as the One who reigns over life.
The Tempter came along and brings the deception that we could “be like God’… find life independent of God… and be in control. The result is that those created with freedom…chose to be on our own… and became enslaved to a life separated from real life.
It can be described as…
I. Living Out of a False Role
(Adapted from Henry Cloud and John Townsend “How People Grow”) [1]
Here are the roles as God created them:
Reality God’s Design for Humans
He is the Source. / We depend on him.
He is the Creator. / We are the creation and cannot exist unto ourselves.
He has control of the world. / We have control of ourselves.
Here is a snapshot of how the roles changed after the Fall:
The Deception / The Result
We are the source. / We depend on ourselves.
We are the creator. / We exist unto ourselves.
We have control of the world. / We try to control our world and lose control of ourselves.
The underlying issue is that of trying to control everything around us… rather than learning to control ourselves.
This is what Christ comes to redeem and restore us from. But there are some common issues that arise out of the false roles we have known…. that we need to face.
Driven / Restlessness
Apart from God… we feel a need to validate our lives with success that is based on outward and comparative qualities. Driven or depressed trying to be God…trying to ‘prove’ or validate our lives
As Ed McGlassen expressed, when we are not living under the Father’s blessings…who alone can name us because He is our source… we will spend our lives trying to name ourselves.
Trying to cover our nakedness by sowing fig leaves...that never really hold together well.
And we become driven and restless.
When we can’t accept the limits of what we control… we are never going to rest.
In the book, When I Relax, I Feel Guilty, Tim Hansel describes our condition of suffering "from a nagging sense of guilt that no matter how much [we] do, it is never quite enough.”
People who are driven are stressed out and live by “should”s and “ought-to”s.
They only feel satisfied when they have accomplished a to-do list.
When God calls out a people back to Himself… he establishes the Sabbath rest as a part of what sets them apart. Because the Sabbath, as we saw a few weeks ago in our series…. reflects God’s intended way of life…. life that restores our dependency on Him. That is why the Sabbath rest is such a spiritual issue.
This reflects the shift from being DRIVEN to being CALLED.
McDonald describes the process of change God brings as we discover His calling.
“Having listened to God's call, I can know my mission. It may demand courage and discipline, of course, but now the results are in the hands of the Caller. Whether I increase or decrease is His concern, not mine. To order my life according to the expectations of myself and others; and to values myself according to the opinions of others; these can play havoc with my inner world. But to operate on the basis of God's call is to enjoy a great deal of order within.” - Gordon McDonald [2]
Jesus reflects the life of one who was called rather than driven. [3]
Jesus was able to disappoint people out of a solid sense of who He was before His Father.
“The figure of the Crucified invalidates all thought which takes success for its standard.” -
Dietrich Bonhoeffer.
Mark Hatfield tells of touring Calcutta with Mother Teresa and visiting the so-called "House of Dying," where sick children are cared for in their last days, and the dispensary, where the poor line up by the hundreds to receive medical attention. Watching Mother Teresa minister to these people, feeding and nursing those left by others to die, Hatfield was overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the suffering she and her co-workers face daily. "How can you bear the load without being crushed by it?" he asked. Mother Teresa replied, "My dear Senator, I am not called to be successful, I am called to be faithful." (from Beals, Beyond Hunger)
Am I at peace being faithful to what I control or striving to validate some other form of ‘success?’
Controlling
Naturally, if we believe we have control of the world…we try to control our world. Now I know most of us feel like we control very little of the world around us… and that’s good…but the reality is… that we don’t control ANY of the world around us. We may be able to manipulate it temporarily…but we don’t ultimately control it.
The same is true with people. We may manipulate them for awhile….but we don’t control them.
When we are striving to validate our lives we will use others to meet that need… and try to control them to that end.
• ‘They need to realize how important I am.’ ‘Others need to do what I want in order for me to be successful, popular, powerful, validated.’
• Or in a co-dependent fashion, we will need others to be dependent upon us…. because that will give us a sense of control.
There is so much freedom in coming to terms with the fact that we really don’t have control over anyone else. There may be appropriate consequences in response to how others choose to relate to us….but consequences are not the same as control.
God created us with freedom of choice.
Trying to control others whom God created as free beings… is …going to be inherently frustrating.
Jesus never used intimidation or force or manipulation to try and control anyone. He had influence. If Judas was going to betray him…. he knew that was his freedom.
Jesus spoke against those who try to Lord themselves over others… and said it must be different for those who follow him… we leaders must be servants.’ (Mark 10:42-43) [4]
Do I try to control people to do what I want rather than accept that I am only able to control my own life?
Very similar… we can become given to…
Blaming
It’s fascinating to consider the very first exchange that follows the disobedience in the Garden of Eden. After it is described how God overtly gives them freedom…. And notes that all is there but not the one tree… they eat… God comes to them…
To Adam God asked a pointed question: “Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” (Gen. 3:11).
The man said, "The woman you put here with me--she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." - Genesis 3:12 (NIV)
He blames the woman… and who else? … God.
Note that Adam said: “the woman whom You gave to be with me.” It was the woman’s fault, but it was God who gave the woman to Adam, so really it was God’s fault. In other words, he ate the fruit because Eve gave it to him, as though she had control over his actions. There is a rejection of personal responsibility.
Fascinating. We’ve had a hard time taking responsibility for our lives and choices ever since.
When God turns to Eve… she responds, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” Like Adam, she refused responsibility and blamed the serpent.
Adulthood is not just about becoming independent financially….it’s about accepting that we have the freedom to respond to life’s options.
Developing into emotionally mature adults includes recognizing the deficiency and dysfunctions of those who raised us….but moving beyond blaming and demanding and waiting for others to fix our lives.
Jesus never blamed others for the suffering because he embraced his choice. He chose his response in his time. When Pilate suggested Jesus was merely a victim of others, Jesus replies:
“No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily. For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again. For this is what my Father has commanded.” John 10:18 (NLT)
Do I blame others for my current choices in life?
II. Jesus brings the ‘truth and grace’ to restore our freedom and responsibility
Jesus came to redeem us… restore us. What he sets right, is the restoration of life back in relationship with God as the source of life and love…and whose control we can live in relationship to.
He restores us as image bearing children of God… under the rule and reign of God (kingdom)… to live in relationship…not of fear but of love. He brings “truth and grace”… the essence of what is needed.
God created us to be free, and to act responsibly with our freedom. He wanted us to be in control of ourselves, and to have a good existence. This is what He now seeks to work in us.
Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)
“The fruit of the Spirit is love: … patience… faithfulness… and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)
God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
Henry Cloud and John Townsend, who many know for their bestselling book on ‘Boundaries’ note that the Scriptures speak of each of the following as part of who WE are… what we are stewards of.
What lies within me that I have responsibility for…
• Feelings
• Attitudes
• Behaviors
• Words
• Choices
• Limits
• Talents
• Thoughts
• Desires
• Loves
• Values
All of these things lie within the property of your own soul, within your boundaries.
And God has given you stewardship over that domain.
This is what we need to take ownership of.
If I am angry, for example, then it is my anger and I have to take responsibility for it, not blame it on you. You may have provoked me to it, but the reality is that since it exists in my soul, it is my problem.
> The behavior may be your problem, what I feel and do in response is mine.
The same rule applies to the rest of the list. In order to gain control of our feelings, behaviors, choices and the like, we must first realize that they are ours and no one else’s. They reside in our own souls, so the ownership implies the responsibility.
This isn’t a matter of being simplistic about the very real pain that others can bring upon our lives. It is a matter of focusing on the power of “self-control.” (C&T – ‘This is the fuel that gets many people out of life-long victimization. They have an abusive “other” in their lives, and feel miserable most of the time. They feel victimized and powerless to do anything because the other person won’t change. They feel that as long as the other is drinking, or controlling, or mean, that they will feel depressed. But Boundaries teach us that since the feeling is on my property, I have to own it, and once I own it, I can do something about it.)
Some Ways To Take Responsibility For Our Lives
• Consider how our feelings may relate to our own deeper struggles for security and significance.
• Own our feelings (using “I” statements; "I feel _______ when you ______" )
We need to own our feelings. Take responsibility for our feelings by framing the issue in "I" statements. Example: "I feel ignored when you...." "I feel hurt when you....."
• Avoid judging others in a protective self-righteous way
In Matthew 7 Jesus says, [5]
"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment.” - Matthew 7:1-5 (MSG)
• Take responsibility for communicating openly and clearly (vs. silence, sarcasm, indirect messages, etc)
Taking responsibility for our lives means taking responsibility for our expectations. As Peter Scazzero says in EHS, “The problem with most expectations is that they are: Unconscious, unrealistic, unspoken and un-agreed upon.”
We need to avoid indirect messages. – sarcasm, silence, saying everything is fine to avoid sharing what we feel.
• Protect others by engaging criticism or conflict directly
Jesus said…this is so important that we should stop from worshipping….and engage directly and quickly. [6]
Note that quickly and directly tend to flow well together because the longer we wait the more likely we will become indirect.
How quickly? As soon as we can be in a reasonably open posture of heart.
• Communicate receptively
Taking responsibility for our own unique selves involves recognizing and respecting the unique personhood of others. as we noted last week, we all begin with the world revolving around us…. and few of us become good listeners. When we are focused on some unmet needs…or we are angry….even fewer of us are able to listen well. The result is that we might say to someone…”Let’s talk” but it isn’t a dialogue. Our goal must become interaction.
Closing:
I want to invite us to take a moment in prayer… to offer God our driven pursuit and receive his call…. To choose faithfulness over success. And to lay down our desire to control… and embrace responsibility for our own lives. Let’s begin praying this verse aloud together.
“May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make us holy and whole, put us together—spirit, soul, and body—and keep us fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 5:23 (MSG))
Notes:
1. Adapted from “How People Grow” pp. 35-36
2. Ordering Your Private World, Gordon McDonald, p. 65).
3. The transition from driven to called can also be seen in the life of Paul. Like the “called” Paul – who was formerly the “driven” Saul – we can say, “Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ…” (Phil. 3:8 NLT).
4. Regarding how Jesus ad Paul viewed the use of ‘control’, we read the following:
Mark 10:42-43 (NLT)
So Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. 43 But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant.
2 Timothy 3:1-8
1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected.
5. In regards to judging others,
Matthew 7:1-4-5 (NLT)
1 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. 2 For you will be treated as you treat others. ….4 How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.
Matthew 7:1-5 (MSG)
1 "Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment. 2 That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. 3 It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. 4 Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? 5 It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.
Ephesians 4:2-3 (NLT)
Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. 3 Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.
6. Jesus is notably pointed in his teaching:
Matthew 18:15-16
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'
We must begin with taking responsibility for being timely and direct.
We also read:
“A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.” Proverbs 16:28 (NIV)
7. In regards to receptivity, the Scriptures teach us:
Proverbs 18:13 (NIV)
He who answers before listening-- that is his folly and his shame.
James 1:19 (NIV)
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
