Becoming an Emotionally Mature Adult
Series: Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
Brad Bailey – March 4, 2012
Following the recent tragic death of Whitney Houston at the relatively young age of 48… there has been a lot of reflection on something not being right in the soul of many like her.
In one recent interview with the drummer and music producer known as Questlove (Ahmir Khalib Thompson) he said, "I'm obsessed with why our heroes are not making it past 50." The article suggested that musicians live under too much stress and pressure. Questlove said, "To make it [as a musician], you have to desensitize yourself and be a robot. I'm 60 percent human and 40 percent machine." And then in an especially telling quote, he confessed, "We gotta live different …. I wanna be old. This is a wake-up call like no other." [1]
We gotta live different. We can all feel like we are more robot than human. That is the call we take up today as we continue in our series entitled: Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.
Today – we come to what underlies all emotional maturity…which is the nature of love.
The significance of love is not referring to merely a romantic or sentimental sense of love…but to the power that defines our existence… and our relationships.
Listen to what the Scriptures teach us… as the Apostle John declares…
1 John 4:7, 9-11, 16, 19-21 (NIV)
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.
9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him…. 19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21 And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
John is describing the great intersection between true SPIRITUALITY and EMOTIONAL MATURITY.
God bears love… it is his very nature… and if we truly respond to that love… then we will begin to love like God.
As we discover a genuine relationship with God who loves those He created in His image… we will develop genuine mature relationships of love with those He created.
1. Emotional Maturity is Rooted in Love
John makes it clear that love begets love. The call to love does not simply begin within our beings…but flows from God as the initial source of love. We are those created in God’s image…. And ‘God is love.’
Love begets love.
Listen to what the Apostle Paul describes…
Ephesians 3:16-19 (NIV)
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
We are ‘rooted and established in love.’ Love is what establishes our very being. It surpasses knowledge because knowledge apart from relationship does not make us persons… it reduces us to objects.
What is love?
There is a lot that could be said about love… but the quality of love that roots us is notably all about the quality of how we relate to others. It is the power of one being to give from themselves to another.
This is love… it is rooted in God’s action towards those who did not first love Him… an action of giving of Himself to meet a need we had.
Love is the power of one being to give from themselves to another.
That is why we are told that such love is reflected in how we do the same for others…for other beings like ourselves.
So it begins with the nature of being a separate being relating to the nature of another separate being.
This is what distinguishes mature love from mere functional relationships.
Martin Buber – ‘I and Thou’
In 1923 the great Jewish theologian Martin Buber wrote a work that captured a profound truth that continues to be referred to by many seeking to understand our nature and what is involved in maturity. (Little deep… so if your neighbor is looking tired…slap them around a little.)
To be fully human is to relate as unique beings in relationship to others who are separate beings…NOT merely extensions of ourselves…not merely objects to be analyzed or used.
To be fully human… emotionally and spiritually mature adults… is what he describes as relating in “I-Thou” relationship.
In contrast… our tendency is to lose sight of others as separate from us. We treat others as objects… which Buber refers to as the “I-It” relationship.
Perhaps the most overt objectifying… is pornography… in which it’s noted that it objectifies real life… reduces persons to objects of pleasure. It’s especially overt because sexual desires are powerful and it’s an aspect or desire that can be very imagery driven. Unfortunately, there can be far less obvious ways in which we relate to others as objects to serve our purposes… or to be labeled…or to be ‘sized up’ with our analysis.
Every celebrity or star tends to become an object of our use. Every time Whitney Houston was referred to as ‘a great voice’ or ‘a great success’ she may have found herself struggling to be a person.
So much of our romantic love is often really about finding someone to meet our needs.
We might describe how they ‘complete us’… or how they make us feel. Those may reflect appropriate qualities for companionship… but they don’t reflect the depth of emotional maturity that we should ultimately seek.
Maybe you know people that serve a particular purpose for you, so even though you are not really interested in maintaining a friendship or a relationship with that person, you continue to do so because you are getting something out of it. That’s an I-It relationship.
Maybe it’s something like you only interacting with someone at work, not because you really want to get to know that person, but because you want them to come to church. And once they do or they just flat out reject your invitations you move on to the next “project.”
Put simply, in ‘I-It’ relationships we tend to treat each other as objects and projects to work with. We treat the other as the means to an end, rather than as the end.
Becoming emotionally mature adults involves becoming beings who can recognize our own thoughts and feelings as distinct from others… and take responsibility for them.
This leads to our second point…
2. Emotional Maturity is a Developmental Process
There is a developmental nature to love. A newborn is bonded to it’s mother… but we don’t expect a newborn infant to have the capacity to consider the mother’s needs in any way that we would call mature love. The infant doesn’t operate out of the ability to consider ‘Hey mom…. When you have eaten some food yourself and had some of your primary needs met… could you please help me get some food... and be held a bit?’ No… the infant cannot relate like that. They have needs and every other being is related to as a means to meet those needs.
> We all begin developmentally narcissistic.
Such narcissism simply reflects our initial condition before the development of becoming a mature adult.
And in a fallen world... that development is no longer a solid and certain process. All of us feel some degree of ongoing fears and fragileness in relating to others… often marked by various forms of emotional immaturity.
The book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality gives characteristics of Emotional Infants, Emotional Children, Emotional Adolescents, and Emotional Adults.
You will see a chart in your insert that you can take a look at.
It notes three pre-adult stages… with the emotional – relational characteristics of each stage… and then…next to that…the characteristics that may be reflected in adulthood when we have not been supported well through that stage. We are just going to take an initial look at these… as they are something that can serve you further this week as you take time to reflect on them.
Infant
--feels a need, but can only cry
--dependent on parents to figure it out
--becomes angry If needs not Immediately met Adult as Emotional Infant
--treats others as “objects to meet my needs”
--acts like tyrant and wins through intimidation
--unable to empathize with others
Child
--can communicate but still dependent on others
--acts out feelings of pain, fear and resentment-
-Lacks skill to openly discuss and negotiate getting needs met
Adult as Emotional Child
--acts out resentment through distance, pouting, whining, clinging, lying, withholding, appeasing, lying
--does not openly and honestly express needs
Adolescent
--rebels against parental authority
--defines self in reaction to others, fears being treated as “child”
--“don’t tell me what to do” Adult as Emotional Adolescent
--cannot give without feeling controlled or resentful
--capacity for mutual concern is missing
--defensive, threatened by criticism
Most of us still have a way to go towards becoming more fully mature as adults.
Most of what we call love is wanting and needing...using and depending upon.
This is the state in which life naturally starts.
All start narcissistic. And if honest few are fully adults today.
Example - Peter Scazzero notes re his marriage:
(P. 181) – When Geri and I were married we lit … unity candle…became one. The question we didn’t answer was ‘Which one?’ For the first years of our marriage, I unconsciously answered that question with: “Yes Geri and I are one, and I am the one !”
We all have varying degrees of fragile nature of being… the deeper we become rooted in love the more solid we become in our ability to relate with emotional freedom.
Here is something important to recognize: what we often think of as emotionally weak or strong can be misleading. When there has been a limitation to being loved as a fully sacred and separate person… it can lead both to becoming too weak in our boundaries and too strong in our boundaries.
We will tend to be either too dependent on others…. enmeshed in their approval….or too independent… too guarded from their approval.
We tend to think of selfish and narcissistic as that which reflects someone who has too strong a sense of themselves…but actually it reflects a deeper lack of strength of self.
A good starting point is reflecting on our family of origin
Some things to consider:
• Did you learn to trust?
• Did you learn to respect others and take turns?
• Did your parents/caregivers understand your behavior?
• Were your feelings allowed? (How your parents handled (fear, shame, anger, sadness, etc) Were you allowed to be the child? (Many children end up taking responsibility for their parent’s feelings)
• Did you learn independence and dependence?
Our families shape much of our initial emotional development. How well we were able to feel secure and solid… and individuate into those who could own and take responsibility for our own feelings and choices is huge.
BUT… it is not the beginning nor end of what establishes us as people.
God is the beginning and the always present source of love.
It is God who establishes us as persons….not simply objects. And it is God who comes to restore us from our self absorbed lives… and from being reduced to objects.
Jesus came to restore the power of love in us. We may begin with the strengths and limits of our experience of love….but God is the ultimate source and is at work.
So naturally when the work of God’s Spirit is described, we are told that the fruit (outworking) of such influence is rooted in love.
Listen to what Paul says…
Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)
“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
(Galatians … fruits of the Spirit… begins with love and grammatically should be translated with a semi-colon after love… it’s stating love as the over-riding nature that is expressed in peace, joy, patience…)
And Jesus makes it clear that we can grow in love as we enter his way of life.
God is the eternal being… the ‘Thou’ by which we are established as “I.”
He is here to call us out…out into personal relationship with Himself…out of which we can honor others… and truly love them.
3. Emotional Maturity Grows as We ‘Practice the Presence of People’
This is what Jesus taught a bright young lawyer of his day….
Luke 10:25-37 (NIV)
On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" 26 "What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?" 27 He answered: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" 28 "You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live." 29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?" 30 In reply Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.' 36 "Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?" 37 The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."
"Go and do likewise." With those closing words, Jesus declares that how we relate to others is not limited by our past. This expert in the law is trying to justify himself…. To establish that he indeed loved God and his neighbor well. When he asks about who is his neighbor.. he is in essence saying, ‘Who do I have a responsibility to love?’ This is when Jesus opens up both his emotional and spiritual world… because both had become closed. The story he tells is a challenging answer to the question about who is our neighbor. But the final words: "Go and do likewise" also reflects that we can expand our spiritual and emotional maturity. Emotional Maturity Grows as We ‘Practice the Presence of People.’ I want to close by highlighting three basic things Jesus captures that we can do.
1. See others beyond the differences with our self
Jesus sets up the story with the provocative nature of two very respected Jewish Israelites coming upon a fellow Jewish Israelite… and then a Samaritan.
The first two see an object… even though they should have had the most reason to see a fellow human.
The Samaritan was considered a half-breed… and looked down upon by Jewish Israelites with deep disdain. He should have seen an elitist enemy. But he sees beyond the differences.
Often this “seeing” is as much a matter of listening. The ability to listen to what another actually feels and believes and WHY they believe and feel the way they do.
Recently I was challenged regarding the whole relationship between myself as a follower of Christ… and those who are part of the Muslim religion. So I initiated an opportunity to meet. I was clear that it was not a matter of trying to agree…but to understand.
As I listened… these Muslim objects became Usman (Madha)… and Dr. Sadegh (Namazikhah.)
I believe the same may be true for many of us across many differences… white / black / Hispanic / Asian… male / female…husband / wife… old / young.. rich / poor… boss / employee.
> Jesus wants us to truly learn to SEE our neighbor and discover them.
So often the Gospel’s describe how Jesus ‘as he walked along, he SAW…” a blind man …tax collector hiding in a tree… a widow slipping into the temple to offer her last small offering.
Listening and seeing leads to a sense of connection…
2. Feel for others beyond the needs of our self (compassion)
They had places to go… needs… and could not relate beyond their own needs.
When we see people as people… we can have compassion… connect with them as one who feels as we do.
The Samaritan did not just see one of those elitist pure-bred Jews…he saw a man hurting and wounded.
This is what we need in those relationships we encounter every day.
• When we become bound up in anger at our spouses for not meeting our needs… maybe we need to first be able to identify what’s really going on inside them.
• Before we expect someone to believe and trust in God… we should understand why they may be having difficulty with that.
3. Care for others without losing our self
The Samaritan cares….but does Jesus describe taking control of the man’s life? Does he describe the true neighbor (Samaritan) ceasing to be a man with his own unique life?
No…. he cares but continues of to meet his responsibilities.
He gives but does not assume financial responsibility for the rest of his life.
This is a reflection of what we call ‘boundaries.’
We see this in Jesus. He gave of himself without losing himself.
He is not selfish or self-less…but giving of himself.
Jesus is so rooted in love… that he can give… without losing himself.
That is what he offers each of us. It is the power of the creator who alone can establish us. If we are left to define our own existence and value… the many voices inside will face the deepest doubts and despair… and then try to repress them with thoughts of grandeur that will equally enslave us. Only the One who created us can root us in the true worth of what we were meant to be…rather than what we are doing or should do.
Closing:
God is here to bring us into the same relationship of empowering love that filled the life of Jesus. The Trinity of Father, Son, and Spirit is that which gives from love.
Gospel – God is restoring us from the objects we have allowed ourselves to become… restoring us in relationship to Himself as the source of our very being.
Closing song: Ministry / Communion
Resources: Peter Scazzero, Alex Scott, David Flowers
Notes:
1. After Whitney Houston, Musicians Say: I’m Afraid By Touré - February 14, 2012
http://ideas.time.com/2012/02/14/after-whitney-houston-musicians-wonder-whos-next/
