The Real You
Series: Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
Brad Bailey – January 22, 2012
Intro
Who are you?
I realize that is a question that defies any simple answer… but it does raise the challenge of what might be involved in responding.
Today we’re going to consider the nature of the real you.
Last week we began our series entitled: Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.
We began by considering how we can face the same tragedy as the Titanic….created with great pride and potential…we keep the party looking good on the upper deck…while below the surface… there is damage… and danger. Like the Titanic…there are warnings if we are willing to listen. This series is an opportunity to slow down and listen... and to look beneath the surface.
We all have a large part of who we are that is below the surface of our lives…. far more than we likely are even aware of.
From the moment we began to experience the world around us… it has never been fully safe to be alive. Our parents may have loved us deeply…but no parents love is perfectly unconditional. Every human life has there own insecurities and needs.
• Many of us know that there is a lot of good longings got quenched… or withdrawn… or misguided.
• We may have felt that to really be acceptable… we needed to have been a better student… be married… proved ourselves in a different career.
• We may have felt that we must not have been valuable enough for our parents to stay together.
• We may have felt certain feelings weren’t accepted or safe…and we may have tried to cut them off…. or bury them. We bury them in guilt…in shame… in fear. The problem of course is that most of what we bury….. we bury alive…deep perhaps…but alive. So much of our inner life… our hearts…are trying not to be who we are.
We all develop an upper and lower deck… the seen and unseen… the presented self and the protected self….the outside of the cup and the inside of the cup…the outer life and the inner life.
To become spiritually healthy involves becoming real…authentic.
And knowing our real selves is what we will consider this morning.
The idea of getting to know our true selves may strike us as a fairly common part of our modern culture. The recent decades seemed marked by the phrases such as ‘getting in touch with myself’… ‘you gotta find yourself… ‘gotta be true to yourself’… and of course you ‘gotta have it your way.’
Depending on what is involved in such pursuits… they may reflect something of what it means to become emotionally healthy as Jesus was… but it’s important that we grasp the difference from what can be simply a self centered pursuit. It is VITAL that we get a hold of the difference between the spiritual maturity of healthy self-awareness and the potentially spiritually stunting nature of self-absorption… that seems to be both prevalent if not problematic today.
A healthy approach to self-awareness can actually be what liberates us… saves us… from self-consumption…which proves to be our death.
What is the key to healthy self awareness?
True self awareness is bound together and centered in the knowledge of God.
To know who we really are we need to know who God is… and if we do not properly know our nature and condition, we will not truly know God.
• If someone believes that they are the center of the universe, they do not know themselves nor God well.
• If someone believes they are worthless, they do not know themselves not God well.
Self awareness is rescued from becoming self-centered and ultimately self-consuming by being centered in the knowledge of God.
Self awareness is essential to genuinely relate to others as others (i.e. differentiation, empathy, personal responsibility, etc)
If someone is not aware of what is personal to themselves, they will not relate with healthy care and respect for others. (Note that an infant has little ability to care for others as it has little awareness of itself as distinct from others.) [1] [2]
This is what we discover in…
The life and spirituality of David.
Unlike Saul whose life and leadership proved self-destructive…. David is a life whom God refers to as ‘a man after His own heart’ [3]
“The LORD has sought out for himself a man after his own heart.” -1 Samuel 13:14
And he is one who would stand forever as a model of relationship with God… and success in life.
David reveals something about a more integrated life. His young years tending to sheep gave him toughness and courage (that emerged in his rising up to defeat Goliath)…. But also time to reflect on the bigger nature of life and God (wrote many of the prayers and songs we know as the Psalms).
- Ultimate 21st century man… strong but sensitive…and more than sensitive… he was centered in God.
- When he emerges into his moment of wider need…there is a quality that we often miss in the familiar account of his slaying of Goliath.
He is the youngest of 8 brothers (we don’t know how many sisters)… and likely just 16 to 18 years of age. He has been left at home to watch over all the sheep….as his brothers head to battle and his father is old. It was actually a lot of responsibility for such a young man. Comes to the battles field to bring food supplies. It is then we begin to see what distinguishes his relationship to God and himself… and how inseparable they are.
• Shows a trust in God that no one else will embrace… what he has come to know inside of God transcends the social expectation
• His family dismisses his potential…. And he is able to not let their voice be the defining one.
• When he is given the armor for battle… he realizes that he isn’t prepared as a standard warrior… that armor won’t fit him well. So he has had to break from his family expectations.. and now from an authority figure (which Saul as King was)
• He also realizes his own strengths… slingshot.
- He was a man who understood that emotional awareness flows from strength.
- In the 1940’s David Wechsler suggests that affective components of intelligence may be essential to success in life… an idea which grew and has become known as ‘emotional intelligence.’
This man who God called as king…was way ahead of his time.
David becomes the greatest leaders and king Israel could ever know… the one who was considered a preview of the great reign of the Messiah.
And you will not find another leader as open with every feeling he faced.
(Examples) [4]
He understood that knowing God involves knowing ourselves. If God sees who we really are… then to be fully alive… is to have the courage to seek to know who we really are…the true self who God knows. They are inseparable.
One of the Psalms that most defines David… and this quality of emotionally healthy spirituality… is that of Psalm 139.
Psalm 139 is one of the most personal of Psalms… developed not so much for public worship as it is a personal connection with God. This is a heart… inner life… taking God in… and then opening itself to God.
Psalm 139:1-6, 13-16 (NIV)
1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. 5 You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Such a beautiful understanding of recognizing how God knows us.
We are not defined by the wills of biological parents… but the will of God.
As some may know, today has been designated as the annual Sanctity of Life Sunday… when the sanctity of life is honored. While I know that there may be many perspectives among us on the legal-political issues that surround life… I believe it is timely we should hear David’s proclamation.
> There lies a sovereignty over life… and it is not us… nor our parents. It is God.
Your existence is defined by God… as your Creator… who created you with the desire and love of a perfect Father.
David understands that God knows us far more intimately than we know ourselves.
‘As David explores his feelings in God's presence, he begins in verses 1-6 with the wonder of God's all-knowing awareness of his innermost being. There is nothing within a human life that God does not already understand, even before those thoughts are formulated and spoken. Such overwhelming omniscience is too wonderful for the human mind to understand.’ [5]
David grasps that knowing ourselves is not that which begins and ends with us…but begins and ends with God. We are the one’s who lack a clear understanding of who we are.
This is the vital truth that underlies our lives:
God created everything and understands the truth of it’s nature. As long as we continue to claim our own false sovereignty…as if we know best and therefore we resist God as some kind of intruder in our lives and freedom...we continue to live out a fundamentally false existence.
To relate to God out of our self-perspective…continues the limitations of knowing ourselves and knowing God. We are embracing only our false selves and offering only our false selves to God.
David grasps that a greater openness is the way to true life… with God and ourselves. And so his awareness of God leads him to his final posture and prayer.
Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV)
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Such a profound prayer.
They are words I use to sing over and over.
They are words which have been part of prayers throughout the centuries.
In this prayer…we find some key truths about how we can discover who we really are.
1. Knowing my real self requires the insight of God and others.
Having begun his reflection grasping how God sees with clarity of breadth an depth that is profoundly beyond our limited understanding… he begins his concluding prayer: “Search me…”
Why would David invite God to check his life when he had just declared how God already knew everything? Wouldn’t it be pretty obvious to God if David was misaligned?
David is asking God to examine him because God knows his heart inside and out, but he (David) doesn’t. And so David asks God to make known to him what he has hidden from himself along with all the other deep things about himself that he could never discover without God’s divine insights. [6]
He assumes he cannot see himself clearly. He assumes we can be self-deceived.
Do you believe that a part of you might defend and deceive you in regards to the whole picture? (If you are raising your hand… I encourage you to take up David’s prayer for God to search and show. If you don’t think you should raise your hand, I REALLY encourage you to take up God’s prayer.)
The truth is that we all have blind spots. Blind spots are those aspects that are outside our vision. In driving they are the dangerous parts of reality outside our vision. One of the key rules to driving a vehicle is to use the mirrors to help check your blind spots.
Illustration: Several years ago…backing up… only looked from one perspective….plowed car behind me. No doubt I’ve hurt others due to my blind spots.
> We all need mirrors…more perspectives…to see what we aren’t seeing.
David assumed that he had blind spots. He actually WANTED to see what he might not be seeing.
David understood that self-awareness requires a larger perspective… it involves God’s guidance and insight.
Such insight can include other people. As the Scriptures say:
“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.” - Proverbs 12:15 (NASB)
We are not to simply become what others want us to be….but there are those who God brings wisdom through. He may bring a pointed word through prophetic gifting… or a word of wisdom through a wise ally.
David would show that other people may be a part of that process.
As Samuel came to Saul…. Nathan the prophet confronts David with his sin.
These were healthy objective relationships…that cared about the person. We can learn from our enemies…critics….but best if we learn from those who are for us.
This is not easy. We will want to keep control of our self-image. The narcissist wants to protect the self from others…. will tend to be forthright in telling others who they are…. might accept having a therapist but that is a relationship we can contain and control is we choose to.
The protective part of us can avoid healthy friends.
Ask yourself…who has a reasonable experience of you and has shown a willingness to care about you? Do you have any allies…who can be honest with you?
Consider who you could ask to help you see yourself more clearly…not define you (only God does that)…but to open new perspectives. It’s not just about seeing what is ‘wrong’ with us…. it’s about:
• Strengths
• Weaknesses (often related to our strength)
• Patterns for managing the priorities and limits of life
Some of these change through every season of life…. as the circumstances change.
As I have often noted when talking with those seeking community in Los Angeles… I think what we really long for is a group of lives that helps us become who we want to be. They share what we seek. We usually have to be intentional about cultivating that… and choosing to be part of a Home Church or support group can be one very good step.
2. Knowing my real self involves understanding both what I feel and WHY I feel.
The search which David seeks is that of his “heart” and “ways.”
His ultimate desire is not to just label an emotion….but to understand his heart… the whole of his inner disposition… ‘anxious thoughts’ and ‘offensive ways.’ This could also be translated "See if there is any pathway of pain in me."
As far as knowing WHAT you are feeling, this lies in being able to identify and name the emotions.
The more accurate we can identify what we feel… the better.
For example, in the realm of anger there are several different variations ranging from frustration to bitterness to hatred and rage.
What are you feeling right now? Perhaps tired…bored… distracted. Perhaps uneasy or more notably anxious. Perhaps intrigued or even a bit excited. Most likely some of these and more.
.
God sees the feelings as symptoms of our hearts of our inner life.
Very similar to our physical health… when we have a symptom… the doctor wants us to identify it as accurately as possible…and so they ask: How often, how intense, and such.
But they know that while we may need help managing the symptom… the ultimate goal is to understand what is underlying it… the cause.
> This brings us to the WHY.
One of the first words we read of God speaking….
"Why are you so angry?" the LORD asked Cain. "Why do you look so dejected? – Genesis 4:6 (NLT)
Why are you angry? Why are you sad?
Have you ever heard someone say, “He made me so angry!” But in truth…it’s not that direct. No one makes you angry…they elicit something in us. Usually anger reflects that we feel hurt or held back from something we want. The reasons why we feel certain things takes a lifetime of work and reflection.
I strongly urge you to explore the reasons why you respond and feel the way you do at various times. Many times these reasons have deep roots into our childhood.
You might think…‘I’m angry and I know why…it’s because this person said that I was didn’t do my job right.’ But why are you angry? Why not another emotion? Maybe you are angry to cover the deeper guilt because they were right. Why weren’t you sad that someone thought that about you? There are a multitude of possible emotions for any given situation. The key is to ask “why?” And keep asking ‘why’ until you recognize the root of what is most at work within you.
As we grow to know what our dipositions are… we can be freer to be real with God…ourselves and others… and we can live more responsibly…which leads to the last point.
3. Knowing my real self involves embracing the responsibility and power of a better and ‘everlasting way.’
David says… God show me what’s in me…. and then… “lead me in the way everlasting.”
David is not seeking to understand some fatalistic destiny… he is not seeking to find out how his past has determined his way of life…rather he is seeking that which he can then lead to better ways. He is saying ‘If there are ways I am not meant to live…show me.’
The most significant difference between self-awareness and self-absorption… is the ability to accept personal responsibility…which simply means that we understand ourselves to be creatures that have the ability to respond to life.
David is prepared to take responsibility for his ways because he understands that his ways are within his ability to respond to. We may have certain dispositions… but such dispositions are what we then become responsible for. A disposition is “an inclination or tendency to act in a particular way” (Encarta). It is generally longstanding if not life-long. But it reflects only an inclination… not something that forces our behavior. Our dispositions can reflect physiological - biological make-up… what shaped us in the earliest years of our lives… and the opportunities that provided certain strengths in us. When we begin to know our dispositions, we can take responsibility for them… and make choices that help guard us from the negative ones and maximize the positive ones. [7]
• This is the responsibility that the 12 steps of AA understands to be central. When one states, “Hi my name is Joe and I’m an alcoholic”…they are stating not hat they have to drink but that they are taking responsibility for an inclination.
Such dispositions do not have to control and contain us…because there is an everlasting way… a way that is life-giving. Left to our own selves…life gets smaller… self consuming …but with God… we can look within knowing the One who keeps life open to ‘everlasting ways.’
It is knowing the God who knows me… and knowing he holds open a way that leads to life… everlasting life… that frees me to be real with the symptoms I may see within me.
David makes a choice. The book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality gives you the practical
principles to begin to make the radical transition to living faithfully to our true self – in Christ. You will find these important principles in chapter 4. It can be challenging so it is important to work on this in and with your small groups, because this does involve work.
Closing:
This is a great quote from, Thomas Merton “Seeds of Contemplation.”
“Trees and mountains and rocks, unlike humans, are their true selves. A mountain is a mountain. It doesn’t make a choice. A tree is a tree. It doesn’t have free will. But we have a choice. God leaves us free to be whatever we want. We can be ourselves, as we please. We are at liberty to be real or unreal. We may be true or false. The choice is ours.”
Resources: Peter Scazzero, Mark Eberly, Phyllis Wezeman & Ann Liechty
Notes:
1. John Calvin … the great theologian in the 16th century Reformation… wrote one of the most comprehensive assessments of theology which is called the Institutes. In the introduction he writes: “Without knowledge of self there is no knowledge of God.” It is such a strange statement from someone so focused on God first and foremost. This statement sounds like something that would come from a 20th century proponent of the therapeutic approach, rather than from a 16th century Reformer. Actually, this statement is part of a larger argument that Calvin makes. Piecing together what he writes in three pages of the introduction to Book One of his Institutes of the Christian Religion: "The knowledge of God and that of ourselves are connected. Without knowledge of self there is no knowledge of God. Without knowledge of God there is no knowledge of self." (As noted in blog by Mike Johnson, the founder and executive director of Ascending Leaders and adjunct faculty for Fuller Seminary.)
2. In describing how self-awareness is both essential and essentially distinct from self-centeredness, The Evangelical Center for Spiritual Wisdom states the following:
“The goal of spiritual growth is the opposite of self-centeredness. God's goal for us as Christians is to fulfill the two greatest commandments as stated by Jesus: to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love our neighbor as ourselves. His aim for us is a life of love - the kind of life that Jesus lived, focused on God and following His leading in loving obedience, joy and freedom.
It may seem counterintuitive, but the path to becoming truly self-sacrificing often involves self-awareness. Some of the greatest obstacles to our growth in Christlikeness lie within ourselves, but often are hidden to us. Self-knowledge is an essential aspect of one's growth in Christ. In the Psalms, David invited the God Who knew every aspect of his being to search his heart and try his thoughts to see if there is anything grievous within him, in order for God to lead him in the righteous way (Psalm 139:23-24). Scripture itself speaks of the power of the Word of God to pierce the soul and reveal one's deeper thoughts and intentions (Hebrews 4:12). Many of the greatest names in the Christian faith – Augustine, Luther, Calvin, among others – have written how healthy self-discovery is necessary for one's continuing spiritual growth. When we initially receive Christ as Lord, it is often through an awareness of our need for His grace and mercy; we grow spiritually in the same fashion.
Some of the greatest and most difficult gifts of relationship – whether with God or others – are the opportunities relationship provides for self-discovery. Relating to another not only reveals to you who the other is, but often who you are as well. All of us have blinds spots – aspects of our characters that we cannot see or prefer to choose not to (Matthew 7:1-5, 1 John 1:5-10). Every relationship we are in provides a kind of mirror to reveal to us these "hidden" aspects of ourselves. If this is true amongst human relationships, how much more so does one's relationship with the God of the Universe mirror the truth of oneself? He knows us completely (John 2:24-25, Hebrews 4:13), and He invites us to discover both the good and the bad of who we truly are, within our relationship with Him (Hebrews 4:15-16). It is through an honest relationship with Him that God forgives our sins and we are healed (1 John 1:9).
Conversely, when we learn more about ourselves in relationship, we also learn more about the
"other." Again, this is true whether the relationship is with people or with God. Running headlong into our own limitations, vices and sins, and bringing them to God in relationship only highlights the vast differences between us and our God. He is so many things that we are not. How can this not lead us to worship Him?
Perhaps what is hindering our churches from becoming the fullness of the Body of Christ is not merely the external pressures of the world, nor the schemes of Satan, but also our own inability to see how our sin and our being sinned against affects our lives. What would it change in our lives personally and in the Church if we were more honest with God and each other about who we find ourselves truly to be?”
http://www.ecswisdom.org/index.php/faq/the_need_for_spiritual_formation
3. Regarding how God saw the uniqueness of David’s heart:
• 1 Kings 11:4 God said Solomon’s heart was "not perfect with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David."
• 1 Kings 14:8 God said David "followed me [God] with all his heart."
• 1 Kings 15:3 The Bible said Jeroboam’s "heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his forefather had been."
• 1 Samuel 13:14 The Bible says after Saul’s failure, God had "sought Him a man after His own heart."
• Acts 13:22 God said, "I have found David … a man after My own heart."
4. David wrote about half of the Psalms. In the few hundred years following him, other God-inspired poets gave voice to psalms, completing the collection of psalms that we know today as the Book of Psalms, -- 150 poetic songs that lie at the heart of our Bibles. The Psalms express the entire spectrum of human emotion -- fear, despair, longing, love, hope, joy, and exultation. They also instruct us in how we can voice our own prayers and praise to God.
A great example of David’s emotional freedom is found in Psalm 55
1 Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; 2 hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught 3 at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked; for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger. 4 My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. 5 Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. 6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest-- 7 I would flee far away and stay in the desert; Selah 23 ….But as for me, I trust in you. - Psalm 55:1-7, 23 (NIV)
Although the word "emotion" does not appear in the Bible, many specific emotions are included in the Bible. The word "anger" is mentioned 270 times in the Bible. The word "joy" is mentioned 242 times. Other emotions are also mentioned. For example, "grief" is mentioned 35 times, "mourning" is mentioned 47 times, and "mourn" is mentioned 138 times. "Sadness" is only mentioned once and "frightened" is only mentioned 9 times. Where as "Terror" is mentioned 88 times. The Bible discusses multiple emotions as part of the human experience.
God made mankind in His own image, so we experience emotions, just as God Himself experiences emotions. Emotions are said to be neither "good" nor "bad," but the behaviors that arise from them can be either positive or sinful.
The Bible encourages us to put more energy into our positive emotions than our negative ones. In Colossians 3:8, the Bible encourages us to rid ourselves of anger and other negative emotions. Instead, the Bible encourages us in Philipians 4:8 to think about "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable---if anything is excellent or praiseworthy." Emotions are fleeting, but we can choose how we direct our energy. Instead of nursing our bitterness, we find freedom in choosing to think about things that are good.
Read more: What Does the Bible Say About Emotions? | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/about_4572075_what-does-bible-say-emotions.html#ixzz1jyw36R9P
5. Phyllis Wezeman & Ann Liechty state:
‘As David explores his feelings in God's presence, he begins in verses 1-6 with the wonder of God's all-knowing awareness of his innermost being. There is nothing within a human life that God does not already understand, even before those thoughts are formulated and spoken. Such overwhelming omniscience is too wonderful for the human mind to understand, the Psalmist says. Not only is God omniscient, however, God is also omnipresent. Next, in lines 7-12, the poet explores the reality that the God of the Universe is ever present -- not heights or depths exist beyond God's care, neither can darkness hide anything from God's presence. In the third section, verses 13-18, David acknowledges the wonder of the Creator God, the omnipotent One who knows and is a part of all things because that power is the intimate Source of the poet's life and yet greater than anything he can comprehend. In the fourth, and final, section of the Psalm..’ he invites God to search him… and then to lead him in the "way everlasting."
Also - After presenting the sublime doctrines of God's omnipresence and omniscience, the Psalmist appeals to Him, avowing his innocence, his abhorrence of the wicked, and his ready submission to the closest scrutiny. Admonition to the wicked and comfort to the pious are alike implied inferences from these doctrines. - Commentary Critical and Explanatory on the Whole Bible
6. The Bible does not explicitly command us to be self-aware, but the need for us to face the truth about ourselves in relation to God, our relationships with one another and the implications of our behavior is a constant theme:
• In Genesis 32:22-31, Jacob’s wrestling with a shadowy adversary is all about his need to face the truth about who he is so that God may transform him.
• 1 Corinthians13:12 looks forward to the time when our knowledge of ourselves in relation to God is as clear as God’s knowledge of us.
• Romans 12:3 calls us to think realistically of ourselves from the perspective of what God thinks is important.
• Many of Jesus’ stories are about inviting people to face the truth about themselves:
Mark 10:17-23: the rich young man
John 4: 1-42: the Samaritan woman at the well
Luke 7: 36-50: Jesus’ dinner with Simon the Pharisee
• The letters to the churches in Revelation hold a mirror to the churches so that they can see their truth in relationship with God.
• James 1:22-25 tells us that obeying the word of God is like looking in the mirror, taking note of the picture it shows us and then living in the light of what we have seen.
• Hebrews 4:12-13: For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
• Psalm 36:2 – For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin.
(Some drawn from www.anabaptistnetwork.com/book/export/html/324)
Notably, parallel to Psalm 139, the idea that God is the one who see who we really are is echoed again by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:22 – “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
7. It’s important to understand the difference between relating to ‘our ways’ as simply reflecting DECISIONS (we simply make mental choices)… or DETERMINATION (there is no responsibility because we are merely living out how we were made)… and grasp the nature of DISPOSITION.
