“Building Quality Relationships: With Christians – Master Communication”
Eph. 5:15-20
A woman went to court and told the judge she wanted a divorce. “Do you have any grounds?” the judge asked. “Just two acres,” she replied. “That’s not it, lady. I mean, do you have a grudge?” “No, we park the car in the front of the house.” Frustrated, the judge continued: “Does your husband beat you up?” She replied, “No, I get up before he does.” “Then why do you want a divorce?” the judge queried. “Because,” she confessed, “we just don’t seem to be able to communicate.”
We may live in the golden age of technology, but we still don’t seem to be able to communicate. In our government, our families, our workplaces, our schools, and even in our churches good communication, although vital, is often lacking. And that means it’s hard to build quality relationships. So this morning we consider, first of all, THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION. To communicate, at its core, is to impart knowledge or to make known, to transmit to another. It can be a one-way street; I impart, you listen. But that may not build good relationships. It’s like a cartoon from some years ago that portrayed a professor beginning a lecture on communication with these words: “Communication is any modus operandi by or through which eventuates the reciprocal transposition of information between or among entities or groups via commonly understood systems of symbols, signs or behavioral patterns of activity.” He communicated, he imparted – but he was not building any good relationships. We’re talking about a deeper meaning of communication where there is a giving or interchanging of thoughts, feelings, or information. As Grady Nutt wrote in an article for families, communication is “sharing ideas, time, interests, things, concerns; ultimately, it is deep care and love for each other that gets said and gets heard.” (1)
Without this two-way communication we cannot have viable, vital relationships. Good communication is NECESSARY FOR RELATIONSHIPS. Think of it this way. Suppose that each week when you came here for worship I simply stood up here and said nothing – you just spent an hour looking at me standing here. Would we have much of a relationship? Or imagine that all I did was read you the Hebrew or Greek words of the Scriptures for the day; it would impart some knowledge. But would it build much of a relationship? Or, looking at it in a different context, what kind of a relationship would I have with Barb if all I ever did was impart knowledge to her but never shared ideas, time, or interests out of deep care and love? Two-way sharing is vital and necessary for relationships.
It is also NECESSARY FOR UNDERSTANDING. Something not only gets said but it also gets heard. That means it must be spoken or communicated in a language that both the hearer and receiver can understand. Without a common language there is no real communication and there can be no understanding. There’s an ancient story about a group of pilgrims traveling across a desert to visit ancient holy shrines and temples. After several days’ journey they saw a great cloud of dust in the distance moving towards them. The leader said “I fear it’s a band of murderous thieves! Let us take shelter behind that sand dune!” They did so and waited until the cloud of dust stopped on the other side of the dune. The leader climbed to top of dune and there met man with a long white beard who had climbed up other side. Neither could speak the other’s language so they tried sign language. After a while both returned to their people. The pilgrim’s leader was smiling. “My children, I have just met the holiest of the holy….When we met face to face we could not speak each other’s language, so I decided to use sign language. With my finger I drew a circle in the sand, to indicate that we are all one in this world. He looked at the circle and then he drew a line through it. He meant, of course, that there are two worlds: the earthly and the heavenly. To show him I understood, I pointed upward with my finger to indicate that we are all one under God. Then he reached into his tunic and took out an onion which he then gave to me. Of course I understood that it indicated the multiple layers of understanding available to everyone. And to show him I understood his meaning, I ate the onion. Then I reached into my tunic and offered him an egg. But he was too humble to accept my gift. He just turned and walked away. Truly, I have seen the holiest of holy men.” On the other side the bearded man met with his bandits who had swords drawn, ready for battle. “We are in grave danger. Never have I met a more blood-thirsty man in my life. Here is what happened: When we came face to face, we immediately knew we could not speak the same tongue. That man drew a circle in the sand. Of course, I understood it to say that we are surrounded. I took my finger and I drew a line through his circle, to indicate that we would cut them in half. Then he raised his finger to the sky as if to say that he could take us on all by himself. Then I gave him an onion to suggest that he would soon taste the bitter tears of death. But he proceeded to eat the onion, in defiance. Then he handed me an egg, to show me how fragile our position is. Let’s get out of here.” (2) Common language is vital to communication and understanding.
That’s why translation is such a big business today. With a global community and economy there must be good communication in common language that leads to understanding. When General Motors first marketed the Chevy Nova in Latin America, it didn’t realize that ‘no va’ in Spanish translates as “it doesn’t go.” A computer manufacturer was mortified to see “software” translated as “underwear” throughout its manual. And Pepsi Cola’s slogan, “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” was bill-boarded across Taiwan as, “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.” (3) The need for common language is why mission translation ministries such as Wycliffe Bible Translators exist and cry out for more skilled language translators. Without common language, in words or actions, there is no good communication and therefore no understanding that will build quality relationships. That’s why God sent Jesus, whom John called the ‘Word’, to be born in the flesh. For humans to fully understand God there had to be a common language – and God in the flesh was as common as it could be. We only fully understand God through Jesus Christ. Only through Jesus Christ can we have a quality relationship with God. Communication is necessary for understanding.
It is also NECESSARY FOR HEALTHY COMMUNITY. The average worker spends approximately 50% of his or her day communicating. Success in business is 85% dependent on effective communication and interpersonal skills. The majority of CEO’s who get fired are fired for lack of effective communication skills. Approximately 80% of a message is distorted as it travels from the top of an organization throughout the ranks. 70% of mistakes made in the workplace are attributed to ineffective communication. In any good pre-marital counseling much stress will be placed upon communication, because lack of communication is a major cause of marital dissatisfaction and divorce. Similarly much church conflict is due to poor, ineffective communication. Only when there is continual sharing of ideas, time, interests, things, and concerns out of deep care and love for each other that gets said and gets heard can there be healthy community life.
That’s why Paul points Christians to THE BASIS OF COMMUNICATION. (Eph. 5:18) “Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.” Paul understood that quality relationships depend upon good communication and that good communication IS AN ISSUE OF CONTROL. In ancient religions – and still today – a high value was placed on ecstatic moods, on feeling good or ‘high.’ People believed that they could only approach God if they were drawn out of themselves into a state of rapture and ecstasy. We say a person who is drunk is “under the influence;” the alcohol controls him or her. It
controls speech and action and therefore communication. WHATEVER CONTROLS US EXPRESSES ITSELF THROUGH OUR COMMUNICATION. Paul teaches that control, therefore, must come from an exhilaration of the Holy Spirit and not from any artificial means.
So he urges us to “be filled with the Spirit.” Good communication BEGINS WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT. The tense of the word “be filled” indicates that Paul is stressing that this is more than a one-time filling. It means to keep soaking in the Spirit. While it is true that when we are reborn we are filled once forever with the Spirit, it is also true that we need continual renewals and refilling. Peter, in fact, was filled three times in Acts 2-4. It’s an ongoing need and experience. I, for example, need a refilling every Sunday morning if I hope to effectively preach the Word of God.
Yet WE DO NOT NEED TO RECEIVE MORE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT – WE NEED TO ALLOW THE HOLY SPIRIT TO POSSESS MORE OF US. How much of us the Holy Spirit possesses is up to us; it’s a choice we make. Listen to Col. 3:16 - “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.” The effect of the Word of Christ dwelling richly in the soul is the same effect Ephesians says we have when we are filled with the Spirit. If to be filled with the Word is equal in result to being filled with the Spirit, then it should be clear that the Word-filled Christian is the Spirit-filled Christian. THE MORE WE POSSESS THE WORD THE MORE THE HOLY SPIRIT POSSESSES US. As the Word of Christ dwells in us richly and controls all our ways, as we walk in obedience to the Word, the Spirit of God fills, dominates, and controls us to the glory of the Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, if we would be filled with the Spirit, we must get the Word in us; the time we spend reading magazines or good novels, watching TV, or the time spent playing video games or checking out the latest Twits or Facebook posts, can be spent in the Word. And if we find anything in our life which is contrary to the Word of God, if we are tolerating anything in our private life which is contrary to the Word of God, if there is anything in our outward associations, in our behavior before the world that is contrary to His Word, we must go into His presence and confess our sins. (4) With the Psalmist we pray (51:10-12) “Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.” The basis of communication is being under the control of the Holy Spirit.
Being under the control of the Holy Spirit enables us to live by THE PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNICATION. Verses 19-20: “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” When we are filled with the Holy Spirit we are enabled to SPEAK TO ONE ANOTHER IN SPIRITUAL LANGUAGE. “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs.” It’s not that we stop talking and start singing. But the spirit of Christian fellowship and community is built upon spiritual language. We are to speak like we sing; we speak with an attitude OF WORSHIP AND SONG. What would it be like if in our conversations with each other we spoke in the tone, the passion, the language of the psalms and hymns and spiritual songs? What if our speech was elevated to spiritual topics in a spirit of deep care and love for each other? How would the life of Hope Church, and of the Christian Community, be enriched if the bulk of our conversations were THE SHARING OF FAITH WITH ONE ANOTHER? I’m not talking about just the reciting the facts we know about Jesus Christ, but an honest sharing of the how and where Jesus has been at work in our lives. What if our conversations were based not on the latest Tigers score, the recent weather, the local or national politics, or what’s wrong with the church, but on reminding one another of what God has done and is doing in us and around us though the Lord Jesus Christ? What difference would it make? Helmut Thielicke wrote of one of his beloved professors. He said that somewhere along the way there was always a turning point that went something like this: “Well boys, we have had a lot of fun together. But our time together is very brief, and we should not lose the opportunity to speak of Jesus.” (5) We often say a hymn or a song is only truly Christian or good when it speaks of God and Jesus Christ. So when we speak in spiritual language OUR CONVERSATIONS SHOULD BE LIKE SONGS, based upon our common experiences of Jesus Christ.
And when we speak to one another in spiritual language we will SPEAK, SING, AND LIVE WITH A GRATEFUL HEART. “Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” We must be about the business of giving credit where credit is due – giving thanks to God. In Col. 2:7 Paul wrote that we are to be “overflowing with thanksgiving.” Gratitude is that which completes the cycle whereby blessings that drop down into the hearts and lives of believers return to the Giver in the form of unending, loving, and spontaneous adoration.
We are to live with AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE, because this thanks is ‘always…for everything.’ Always – after a blessing but also during the storm. Everything – physical and spiritual; ordinary and extraordinary; past, present, and future; things received and things withheld. Remember what Paul wrote while imprisoned, awaiting a verdict on the trial for his life? (Phil. 4:4-6 CEV) “Always be glad because of the Lord! I will say it again: Be glad. Always be gentle with others. The Lord will soon be here. Don’t worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God. Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.” The injunction to give thanks ‘always and for everything’ “…presupposes a deep underlying faith that God can produce good out of even the most unpromising situation, and that thankfulness, therefore, can be felt because of the confident hope that in some wonderful way God will make even disaster and suffering an occasion for later blessing.” Living with gratitude is living with trust.
So, Paul says, we are to “Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord…” Hebrews 13:15 (NLT) puts it, “Therefore, let us offer through Jesus a continual sacrifice of praise to God, proclaiming our allegiance to his name.” OUR TRUST IS MUSIC TO GOD’S EARS. Can you imagine what the Christian community would be like if we, as Christians, truly lived with an attitude of gratitude, with an unwavering trust in God, no matter what? Just think of the testimonies we would have to share. The quality of our life together depends on good communication, on speaking in spiritual language with grateful hearts, with deep care and love for each other that gets said and gets heard.
And it all begins with the Holy Spirit. Leighton Ford, the brother-in-law of Billy Graham, told of a time when Billy visited a large, influential church. The guide told him that an officer of church was repeatedly drunk so they had expelled from membership. Billy said, “How long has it been since you put somebody out of the church for not being filled with the Holy Spirit?…The Bible says, ‘Don’t get drunk with wine,’ but the very same verse says, ‘Be filled with the Spirit.’” Jesus said (Lk. 11;13 NLT) “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.” So let us pray.
(1) Grady Nutt, taken from ‘Family Time’, Million Dollar Round Table 1976
From ‘Sunday Sermons’, Vol. 19, No. 2, march/April 1989
From ‘Republic’, march 1986, p. 23
(2) Ironside, H. A. (1937). In the heavenlies: Practical expository addresses on the Epistle to the Ephesians. (269–270). Neptune, NJ: Loizeaux Brothers.
(3) Helmut Thielicke, “Faith – The Great Adventure”, Fortress Press, Philadelphia, © 1985 Fortress Press, pg. 8
(4) Hendriksen, W., & Kistemaker, S. J. (1953-2001). Vol. 7: New Testament commentary: Exposition of Ephesians. New Testament Commentary (241–243). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.
(5) Foulkes, F. (1989). Vol. 10: Ephesians: An introduction and commentary. Tyndale New Testament Commentaries (157). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.
