Divorce and Remarriage
Divorce: doesn’t it hurt just to say it? We cringe from the hurt and pain divorce always brings. Many people listening have been divorced or have parents who have divorced or children who have divorced. Divorce hurts deeply and its impact never completely goes away. As a pastor I have seen so much devastation from divorce, even decades later, that I feel sick to my stomach. We have experienced divorce in our families, so this message is personal.
For many the issue of divorce is filled with fear of rejection by God or the church. Please know that God promises:
There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Rom. 8:1
At Christ Fellowship we welcome all people. We are a church of forgiven sinners rejoicing in the grace of God. We are people of grace. What if you have made a really big mess? We will end today with God’s amazing gracious forgiveness. Jesus Christ is the cure for divorce.
Follow along using the sermon outline as we dig into God’s Word to see God’s take on divorce and remarriage. At Christ Fellowship we are All-Bible. People guided by the Word. When you face difficult issues and decisions, you should ask: what does God say? When it comes to divorce and remarriage we are prone to seek advice from friends and that’s not bad, but their advice is a distant second to God’s Word. In addition to your outline I have given you a list of the major passages relevant to divorce and remarriage. Let’s review the core truth that marriage is a life-long covenant of love.
Marriage is a life-long covenant of love.
The marriage covenant is founded in creation, In Genesis 2:24, God says, 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. A husband and his wife are to be united to each other for life. One man, one woman, one couple, for life. God takes marriage vows seriously. In the last book of the Old Testament, the prophet Malachi uses covenant language to warn that we must not be unfaithful to our spouse. Malachi warns:
So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. 16 “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the LORD Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful. Malachi 2:15–16 (NIV)
In context the warning is against husbands who were breaking their marriage covenant to marry foreign wives. The clear point is repeated twice: “So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.” Divorce breaks public promises made to God and to your spouse in the presence of family and friends. God prohibits divorce because he knows what it does to people. Divorce destroys lives. Divorce rips apart what was never meant to be divided. In its wake divorce leaves incredible pain, guilt, anger and hurt.
Jesus speaks to the issue in Matthew nineteen, where he quotes Genesis 2:24. Jesus says,
6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Matthew 19:4–6.
Jesus’ main point is that God intends marriage to be for life. We make vows for as long as we both shall live; not only for as long as it makes sense, for as long as we are happy together, as long as our needs are being met. God designed marriage to be a life-long intimate relationship of love.
However, there are times where the Bible recognizes that divorce is the best of several bad options. The bottom line is that divorce is possible because of sin but divorce is never required.
Divorce is possible because of sin
When you are fighting with each other you can forget the joy you had and the commitment you made. You are blinded by the pain, hurt and anger. It can feel like your issues are too big to fix, too many things have been said and done that can never be taken back. Trust is shattered. Remember God specializes in the humanly impossible. He is the God of miracles. Nothing is too hard for God.
God does allow divorce in certain circumstances, however, he never commands divorce in any circumstances. Divorce is always a result of sin, but is not always a sin itself. Because of sin, divorce is possible. When Jesus was asked,
7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” 8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. Matthew 19:7–8.
There are three circumstances in which God tolerates divorce:
Adultery-where there has been sexual immorality (Matthew 19:9).
Abandonment-where a believing spouse has been deserted by an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). And abuse-where there is danger to the spouse or children. Even in these sad situations, still reconciliation is the first choice. As husbands and wives and as friends of the couple, we should all work to see the marriage restored. However, that is not always possible. Let’s cover each of the three biblical grounds for divorce. The first is for adultery.
Adultery (porneia)
It is Jesus who gives this ground in Matthew chapter five.
31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. Matthew 5:31–32
Jesus is referring to Deuteronomy 24 where Moses gave a provision for a certificate of divorce. The three main Jewish schools of thought on divorce ranged from the most conservative Shammai who said only adultery is a cause to Hillel who said burning dinner was cause enough, to Aquiba, who said finding a more beautiful woman was a good enough reason. I’m glad none of these are the biblical view!
While Jesus affirms marriage is for life, he clarifies that adultery undermines one of the most fundamental elements of a marriage—sexual exclusivity. What does Jesus mean by saying that divorce causes a woman to become an adulteress? If you are divorced does that mean for the rest of your life that you are an adulteress? What if you marry a divorced woman? Does that mean for the rest of your life that you are living in adultery? No. There is no indication here that a second marriage, even following an illegitimate divorce, is seen as permanently adulterous. Divorced Christians who have remarried should . . . [remain] faithful to their current partners. Jesus maintains that the divorce itself creates a one-time adultery—metaphorically, not literally---through infidelity to the lifelong, covenantal nature of marriage. Life is really messy because of sin. Wherever you are today, whatever you have done before, the point is that from this day forward you should faithfully follow Jesus. Be faithful to your current spouse.
What does Jesus mean by “except for marital unfaithfulness”? To what does this refer? The Greek word is porneia. Porneia is a broad term that refers to sexual immorality including fornication, adultery, homosexual immorality and other sexual sins. It’s the word from which we get our word, “pornography.” Sometimes ladies ask if they can get divorced because their husband watches pornography because lust is adultery. If every wife whose husband lusted has grounds for divorce, then every woman listening has grounds because close to 100% of us husbands are guilty of lust. The whole direction of that thinking is unbiblical. You should be looking for reasons to stay in your marriage not ways to get out. Even if your spouse commits physical adultery that does not mean you should get a divorce. The first approach should be reconciliation. If your spouse persists in adultery, then divorce may be the best option. If your spouse repents and is trying to change, then do all you can to reconcile. The second biblical ground for divorce is abandonment.
Abandonment
We find this truth in First Corinthians chapter seven in which Paul harkens back to Deuteronomy twenty-four and Exodus chapter twenty-one. Paul’s focus is on a believer who is married to an unbeliever. If the unbeliever leaves, then the wife or husband is not bound to the marriage. What if both husband and wife are believers? Then the other person should pursue the spouse who is abandoning and bring in the church family to help. After all means have been expended, then the Bible says,
If they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Matthew 18:17 (NIV)
At that point it is appropriate to treat the other person as an unbeliever and let them leave.
Let’s look at the text in First Corinthians Paul says,
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 1 Corinthians 7:15.
The word “bound” indicates that the husband or wife is free from the marriage covenant. This is legal language. But what does it mean to leave? Physical abandonment, meaning that your spouse disappears, is clear. What about emotional abandonment? If a husband or wife refuses to engage the marriage, give financial support or share sexual intimacy, are those cases also abandonment and thus biblical grounds for divorce? Remember the Bible always leans toward reconciliation and marriage. We should not be looking for reasons to divorce but seeking how to reconcile.
Paul appears to be using key ideas from Exodus 21:10–11. Frankly, I have never before seen the connection of First Corinthians seven to Exodus twenty-one. In Exodus, Moses is addressing a context of polygamy,
10 If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. 11 If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money. Exodus 21:10–11.
Your Study Guide gives more detail, but let me summarize the point. The Old Testament law often gives guiding principles through a suggestive list that is not intended to be comprehensive. Jewish commentators, well before Jesus, saw this passage as teaching that material neglect and emotional neglect gave grounds for divorce. If you read the opening verses of First Corinthians you will see that Paul says a husband and wife must not deprive each other of sexual intimacy. Later in verses thirty-two to thirty-five, Paul speaks about the obligations that marriage puts on husbands and wives to care for each other. The implication is that financial and emotional abandonment can be grounds for divorce. I urge you to be very careful here because this kind of abandonment is the most commonly abused ground for divorce. Remember our heart is to pursue reconciliation not find an excuse to get out of your marriage. Divorce creates incredible pain for the rest of your life. The third biblical ground for divorce is abuse.
Abuse
If your spouse is abusing you or your children, this can be grounds for divorce. We must ask, “What is abuse?” If your life or your children’s lives are in danger it is clear. Saving a life is more important than the marriage. What about emotional or verbal abuse? What if your life is not in danger, but your spouse has shoved you or slapped you? These are more difficult cases. We have hints in the passages we just considered, First Corinthians seven and Exodus twenty-one. If the abuse verges on abandonment then divorce can be considered. We have one more hint in Deuteronomy 24:1–4, where Moses says,
If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, Deuteronomy 24:1–4.
The key word is “indecent,” which refers not to adultery but to some other inappropriate behavior. I have seen the ground of “abuse” stretched into an excuse. These days some people consider the slightest offense an abuse. Abuse is a strong word that should be reserved for serious cases.
So, in summary, divorce is possible because of sin in three cases: adultery, abandonment and abuse. However, even when you have clear biblical grounds for divorce, still you should fight for your marriage. Two weeks ago, you may have seen the emotionally gripping signs that were put on Hardin Road just north of 121 by a husband appealing to his wife.
VIDEO
This husband is in our church. I’m glad to say that they were in services together last Sunday. God can heal the most broken relationships. Your marriage is worth fighting for. I know many stories of incredible redemption. I want you to hear one today from a couple in our church: Floyd and Tamara Stanley. If you are struggling in your marriage, listen and consider if you need to commit to fight harder for your marriage.
Story of Stanleys – testimony
Marriage is worth fighting for because our marriages impact the Gospel mission. Marriage is meant to be life-long. God can do the impossible. The story of redemption is beautiful. If your relationship has been wrecked to the extent that there are grounds for divorce, I pray you will discover the joy of reconciliation in the resurrection power of Jesus Christ who can bring dead things to life.
However, sometimes divorce is the best option given the sin, the choices of the other person and the particular circumstances. So as a divorced person, should you get remarried? When is it biblically acceptable to remarry? Generally speaking, remarriage is acceptable after a biblically valid divorce.
Remarriage is acceptable after valid divorce
If a divorce was made on biblical grounds, then remarriage is allowed. Each person should repent of their sins that led to the ending of their marriage, and vow to remain faithful in any subsequent relationships. No matter the circumstances, each person The Bible says that after a divorce a person is not bound which means they are free from the marriage covenant. Paul makes the meaning of bound and free clear by using the same Greek words 1 Corinthians 7:39 for when a husband dies. Paul says, 39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. 1 Corinthians 7:39. In a similar way, if a divorce is on biblical grounds, then you are not bound, but free to remarry. Two points are crucial when anyone looks to remarry.
Reconciliation is the first choice
First, you should pursue reconciliation with your spouse. Every opportunity for reconciliation should be made before any other relational commitments are made, including dating. If your spouse remarries another person, then you are totally free. The marriage of one’s divorced spouse to another person severs the former marriage. The unmarried spouse may marry another since reconciliation would force the spouse to go through another divorce. Reconciliation is the first choice and restoration is primary.
Restoration is primary
What’s most important is that you restore your relationship with God. Your relationship to your heavenly Father is more important even than your marriage. Before you consider remarrying, you need to deal with your stuff. Get your relationship with God growing strongly, then you could be in a position to be a godly wife or husband for someone else. Far too many remarry far too fast before they have dealt with their issues. The divorce rate for second marriages is 76%. But if you wait five years, the success rate is the same as for first marriages. A rule of thumb is to wait one year for every four years of marriage. The point is not to be single or married, but to be effective for Christ. Restoration to the Father is primary.
As you are listening, you may be in a place where you know that you have broken God’s Word. You got divorced for the wrong reasons. You committed adultery, abandoned or abused your spouse. The Bible gives you hope. The Gospel is the story of redemption. Jesus came for sinners, which is every person in the human race apart from Christ. I want you to hear this. Forgiveness is yours in Christ.
Forgiveness is yours in Christ
God’s grace is truly amazing. He wants us to live from this day forward kind of lives. Obviously we have sinned in many ways whether we are married or single. That is why God sent his only Son Jesus Christ to die for us on the cross. Jesus was divorced from his Father so we could be reconciled to the Father. Jesus volunteered to be forsaken by his Father so that he could take on himself our pain, our guilt, and our sin. Through his brokenness we are made whole. On the cross when Jesus said,
“My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?” Matthew 27:46
Jesus experienced divorce from the Father, so we could receive forgiveness. God says trust in my Son Jesus and I will fully forgive you, giving you a new life. The first and most important step you can take, married or single, is to get your relationship with God right. We will never develop good horizontal relationships with other people, including a spouse, unless we develop a good vertical relationship with our God. If you have never done so, I urge you to trust in Jesus Christ. Receive the forgiveness that he offers. He fully forgives adultery and every other sin. What’s more, God loves and uses hurting, guilty, broken people.
God loves and uses hurting, guilty, broken people.
David tells us in the Psalms,
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” Psalm 51:17.
God loves hurting, broken people. He loves a contrite heart. Many divorced people feel uncomfortable in church. You might feel like you have a scarlet “D” on your forehead. You wonder if you will be treated as a second-class person, as dirty. That is not the case here. Christ Fellowship is a place of grace. We are a safe place of acceptance, love, grace and healing. You are welcome here no matter what you may have done and how many times you have done it. We are a family of forgiveness.
Can a divorced person be a leader a Christ Fellowship? Absolutely. Many hurting people find this truth hard to believe. You might think, “God will never use me. You don’t know what I’ve done.” Don’t believe those lies. The Apostle Paul says he was the worst sinner.
“15 Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16 But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.” 1 Timothy 1:15-16.
How could the worst sinner be the greatest apostle? God’s grace. That is the only answer. Christ Jesus came for you. He came for broken and hurting people, sinners, guilty of all kinds of things. God loves to use broken people for his mission. At Christ Fellowship many of our leaders and some of our pastors are divorced. It is possible for a divorced person to serve as an Elder here. All of us are forgiven sinners.
Two of the most common emotions brought about by divorce are guilt and anger. No matter what your role in the marriage, when you go through a divorce, nearly everyone feels incredibly guilty; guilty for not doing something more, guilty for not seeing the problems earlier, guilty for hurting your kids and disappointing your family, guilty for falling short of God’s Word. And most people feel angry at the other person, at the situation. What is the cure for guilt and anger? In a word - forgiveness. The cure for guilt is to receive God’s forgiveness. The cure for anger is to extend God’s forgiveness.
The cure for guilt: receive God’s forgiveness
Even after people have found initial forgiveness in Jesus when they trust in him for salvation, I find that many Christians still live in guilt. Whether your guilt comes from how you failed in your marriage or from something else, you need to hear the truth of the Gospel:
7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace Ephesians 1:7.
The cure for guilt is to receive God’s forgiveness. Let me make it more vivid. Tamara and I had lunch with a divorced friend a few weeks ago who said he wakes up every day feeling like a failure to his parents, a failure to his kids and a failure to God. Those are accusations from the enemy who is called the Accuser. If you are not receiving God’s forgiveness, it is like you are saying that Christ’s blood is not powerful enough to cover your sin. You are diminishing the cross of Jesus. It is not noble, but blasphemous, to act as if Christ’s blood does not totally cover your sin. You are forgiven. You are free in Jesus.
If receiving God’s forgiveness is the cure for guilt, what is the cure for anger? How can we deal with the incredible anger generated in the wake of divorce’s devastation? The cure for anger is to extend God’s forgiveness to others. If you do not deal with your anger, it will destroy you. It will deaden your relationship with God.
The cure for anger: extend God’s forgiveness
Forgiveness is difficult especially when we have been hurt so deeply by someone so close. The Bible tells us to forgive others as we have been forgiven:
32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32.
Just as God has forgiven us, so we need to forgive other people. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is an action of your will; it is a choice. Forgiveness is not excusing; in fact, it is the opposite of excusing. If you excuse a person, then they do not need to be forgiven. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is to look the offense full in the face in all its sinful awfulness and say in your heart, “I won’t hold this against you, I forgive you.” Forgiveness is releasing a person to God. Forgiveness does not mean you become friends with the person who hurt you; but it does mean being kind when you encounter them. Forgiveness is to let a prisoner free and then realize that the prisoner was you.
So how do you respond? If you feel convicted by the Spirit of God, you need to confess. Perhaps you are contemplating divorce and you are convicted that you need to reconcile. Recommit to your marriage. Choose to reconcile. If you are in a troubled marriage, remember nothing is too hard for God. In Christ all things hold together, which includes marriages that seem impossible. We have resources to help you such as counseling and Divorce Care which starts again in January. Maybe you are considering marriage in the future. Settle today that when you get married it will be for life. If you are divorced and living in guilt, let it go. Accept God’s forgiveness in Jesus. Then get about serving God. The Bible says,
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Rom 8:1.
God has forgiven you. Know the amazing forgiveness of God. Jesus Christ is the cure for divorce. The forgiveness we find in Jesus is the cure for guilt and his forgiveness that we extend to others is the cure for anger. As a church family let’s commit to pray for and support the marriages around us, and embrace those who have divorced. The ground is level at the foot of the cross. May we all, married and single, seek to follow Jesus and help other people find and follow Jesus. That is our call: to receive and extend God’s forgiveness in Jesus.
Footnote: Blomberg, Craig L. The New American Commentary: Volume 22, Matthew Broadman Press, Nashville, Tennessee, Pp 111
