Paul mentions two women by name who were involved in some sort of conflict. Paul doesn’t indicate what the issue was. We can assume that it was not a matter of heresy or immorality. For we know from Paul’s other epistles that if that were the case, Paul would have confronted it head-on. Since this is so, it is safe to conclude that they were involved in something fairly petty, which apparently gotten so out of hand that it threatened the church fellowship. Paul asks for a third party (yoke-fellow or Syzygus) to mediate the dispute so they might be able to move on. Paul tells them it was time to “get over.”
Conflict is an inevitable result of sharing space in the world with imperfect human beings. Sometimes, conflict is necessary, when truth or right is at stake. However, most conflicts that occur between people are not justified at all. Often, the best way to resolve conflict is simply to overlook the offenses of others. This approach is highly commended through-out Scripture:
“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” - Proverbs 19:11 (NIV)
“Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” - Proverbs 17:14 (NIV)
“Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins [forgives and disregards the offenses of others].” - 1 Peter 4:8 (Amplified)
“Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.” - Ephesians 4:2 (NLT)
When someone has wronged you, and you still feel frustrated or hurt, it is difficult to let things go. But it is possible to overlook offenses if we follow Paul’s advice to these two warring women. In verses 4 through 9, it would appear that Paul gives advice on how these women could “build a bridge and get over it.” I think we can also be helped by Paul’s advice to get over our hurt and frustration, and avoid conflict.
1. Look To the Lord - v. 4
Paul urges us to be God-centered in our approach to conflict. So important is his point here, that Paul repeats himself.
What is there to rejoice in when you are involved in a dispute? Well, for one thing, as a Christian, you can give thanks that you are “in the Lord,” and that your name is written “in the book of life.”
As a child of God, you have resources that can enable you to deal with conflict in an appropriate manner. And if your opponent is also a Christian, that means the resources available to you to help resolve conflict appropriately are double. What resources are yours in Christ that are to your advantage in resolving conflict with others?
Forgiveness that is yours to receive from God and share with others; A Bible full of divine truth you can apply to the situation at hand; The Holy Spirit, who can convict you and guide you;
A church family that can offer counsel, strength and support; & A commitment from your heavenly Father to“work all things for your good’ (Romans 8:28).
As you look to the Lord, through rejoicing in all the resources that are yours in Him, God will be free to work in your life through the conflict to help you receive reliable direction, grow in character, and develop creative solutions to the situation.
“We may face situations beyond our reserves, but never beyond God’s resources.” - Anonymous
2. Live For the Lord - v. 5
The word, “gentleness” literally means “forbearing, large-hearted, gentle, courteous, considerate, generous, lenient, moderate.” It is describing a quality which is the opposite of irritability, rudeness, and abrasiveness; it is describing a quality that would make a person NICE instead of NASTY!
Gentleness is especially appropriate if the person who has wronged you is experiencing unusual stress. In such cases, the wrong done to you is often only a symptom of a deeper problem.
“The problem is never the problem.” - Dixon Murrah
By responding in a gentle and compassionate manner, you can often be of great service to the other person.
“A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.” - Proverbs 15:11 (NLT)
“Never answer an angry word with an angry word. It is the second one that causes the quarrel.” - Anonymous
3. Lean On the Lord - vs. 6-7
In encountering conflict, there are three options available: 1) Hurling; 2) Hiding; or 3) Healing.
Hurling anger back at the other person is not the appropriate response, but neither is hiding our hurt and stuffing our anger appropriate either. Instead, God wants to work in our lives to bring healing.
One thing that is vital in responding appropriately to conflict is to get rid of anxious thoughts. Paul is not just describing trivial worries here. The word used by him for “anxious” means “laden with cares and trouble, pressured, squeezed, burdened, under stress.”
These feelings tend to multiply when we are in the middle of a dispute. That’s why, we must turn to the Lord through prayer. Through prayer, you can focus on the goodness and greatness of God, be honest with God about the issues that are on your heart, and experience His peace.
“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” - Isaiah 26:3
God’s peace can be yours, even in the midst of conflict with someone else. That is why he calls it a peace that “transcends understanding.” And though this peace may be internal at first (“guarding your heart and mind”) it canl often grow into an external peace - or reconciliation - that will surpass the comprehension of those observing the conflict. When God works in His people, things begin to happen that simply do not make sense to the world, and this brings glory to God.
“There is no greater opportunity to influence our fellowman for Christ than to respond with love when we have been unmistakably wronged and assaulted. On those occasions, the difference between Christian love and the values of the world are most brilliantly evident.” - Dr. James Dobson, Emotions: Can You Trust Them?
4. Learn From The Lord - v. 8
As you replace anxiety with prayer, you will be in a position for the Lord to teach you some things you need to learn about your opponent. If you respond to conflict like most people, you will tend to focus on the negative characteristics of the person who is disagreeing with you, often exaggerating their faults and overlooking their virtues. Too often we focus as much as we can on the ugly aspects of a person so that we can justify our argument with them.
But if we will look for the good in others, we will be less motivated to prolong our conflict with them. What Paul tells us here is basically this: When it comes to people, what you look for is what you will find. If you look for things to condemn in them, you will find them; if you look for things to commend in them, you will find them, too.
Looking for the good in our opponent will do two things for us that will contribute to resolving conflict:
First, by recalling what is good in the other person, you will often realize what you will lose if your differences are not resolved.
Second, the process of thinking right can be contagious. The sooner you start focusing on the positive things about the other person, the sooner they can start doing the say thing with respect to you.
5. Love For The Lord - v. 9
Paul told his readers to follow his example and put these principles into practice. In other words, He said that whether or not we demonstrate love to others as God calls us to is determined not by the other person, but by us. Love is a choice! One woman said of her husband, “He can be nice when he wants to . . . he Just never wants to!” The same can too often be said of us. We have a choice when it comes to petty irritations - we can overlook them or be overcome by them.
“It’s wise to remember that ‘anger’ is just one letter short of ‘danger.’” - Anonymous
Conclusion: Sadly, too many believers have followed the way of Euodia and Syntyche, rather than the way recommended by Paul. And as a result, the God of peace has been strangely absent from the lives of His people because they just could not get over some petty thing.
In the 1890s there was a small Baptist church in Mayfield County, Kentucky. The church had two deacons, and they were constantly arguing and bickering with each other. One Sunday, one deacon put up a wooden peg in the back wall for the pastor to hang up his hat. When the other deacon saw this, he was outraged. “How dare someone put a peg in the wall without consulting me!” The people in the church took sides and the congregation split. Over a
hundred years later, residents of Mayfield County still refer to the two churches as Peg Baptist and Anti-Peg Baptist.
What might there be in your life right now that you need to “build a bridge and get over?”
