PROVERBS 13:24
PARENTAL DISCIPLINE / INSTRUCTION
[Hebrews 12:6-11]
Affection is not enough. Love must also discipline. Good Christians or even good citizens cannot be produced in homes where children have good reason not to respect their own parents. Permissive homes (those where effective parental authority is absence) produce insecurity and dependance in children by giving in to their childish disrespect and defiance.
Discipline is instructing where the boundaries of acceptable behavior lie and then enforcing them with in a frame work of love and affection. Children learn to follow patterns that produce satisfactory results. So good discipline is brought about by the intelligent application of the principles of reinforcement. Positive reinforcement of good behavior, and negative reinforcement of behavior that needs eliminating.
The end result of all discipline's good benefits is children that have the learned ability to control themselves. A loving parent inflicts temporary discomfort on his children to spare them the long range disaster of an undisciplined life.
I. GIVE REAL LOVE.
We live in a day of rampant child abuse, So we have been rightly sensitized to the dangers of hitting a child in anger or using any instrument, including the hand, which might cause serious physical injury. It's important to realize that as a child grows older, he can be corrected by the use of other consequences some of which he himself might even choose.
That is one side of the coin. The other side is that a wise and loving parent will not be afraid to bring his child to tears when necessary. The timeless wisdom of Proverbs is clear on this issue.
Proverbs 13:24 links love with discipline. "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently."
Refusal to discipline one's child when needed shows that genuine love and concern are questionable. Sparing the rod (yah-saar) is the specific act or habit which is charged against the parent as being equivalent to hating his son. The child begins to act the tyrant in willful defiance. He is disrespectful, disobedient, or untruthful. These and other vices begin forming in his life and growing as he grows. The matter is reported to the father and the behavior is carried out in the father's presence. He warns the child to be better and then dismisses him. The father repeats this procedure frequently. The child eventually learns that he can do what ever he wants with impunity. The father sometimes even threatens, but never punishes. The child grows worse. By escaping the due punishment the child's corrupt nature moves the child into unacceptable behavior and then molds and establishes evil behavior. The father calls himself loving, but it is too weak to be real love. Love never gives way to falsehood and obstacles. When a parent gives the child his own way, yields more as the child demands it, the child begins to think he can get anything by demanding it outrageously. In reality the parent is not demonstrating love for his child but ease for himself. Diligent discipline demands time and sacrifice.
The man who gravely tells his child what is wrong and if that wrong is repeated, then loving spanks him, demonstrates the real love and sacrifice of being more concerned for his child's proper long term development that he is for his own immediate ease and convenience. Omitting a responsibility so vital for the child's long-term welfare by winking at disobedient behavior is delivering your child to a wayward will and vicious habits. The discipline that children require all too often finds the parents lacking sufficient self-discipline to implement it.
The rod here is generic and not necessarily a twig, cane, board, or belt but the most convenient or appropriate implement. Though corporal discipline is directly intended the adaptation of the discipline and the measure of punishment should directly relate to the child's age and waywardness. The reason son is used here instead of daughters may be that behavior of sons in general requires more discipline (it was so with my parent's family). The rod of discipline is never to be applied in anger or with harsh severity, least it drive the child away or break his spirit (Prov. 17:22), but is to be exercised in love aimed at subjugating the will and humbling and purifying the heart.
We are to discipline our children diligently. Diligent, consistent, reasonable discipline is the mark of genuine love. It is best to start earlier in life when it is easiest. It is cruel to let your son grow up without the correction he needs for proper development. Love him and mold him while he is a child or the world and those who don't love him will need to break him as an adult.
II. GIVE REAL CORRECTION
Proverbs 19:18 indicates that discipline gives hope for a life of wisdom. "Discipline your son while there is hope, and do not desire his death" (or literally cause him to die).
This verse is an imperative unlike most the verses in Proverbs which are declarative sentences. The command "discipline your son," is a strong warning to parental passivity. A child guilty of wrong doings or rebellious attitudes should be chastened in the early years of life "while there is hope" of leading him to the right way. To neglect such needed training contributes to the child's foolishness and rebellion.
You need to deal with wrong as it occurs. Deal with it adequately until the child learns that wrong won't be permitted. Your child must learn to respect authority. Your child must also learn to obey. You don't shrug and say, "I just can't do anything with my five-year-old." You stay at it until your little one gets the message. If you need professional help, pursue it. Your desire is to shape that stubborn will with wisdom. [Swindoll, Chuck. The Strong Family. Multnomah: Portland, OR. 1991. p. 75.]
Remember your children are your greatest earthly treasure and should be your chief earthy care. They are the greatest earthly blessing God has placed in your hands. Work together with God in this great enterprise of disciplining so that your children might also be heavenly blessings and rewards.
Proverbs 22:15 teaches us why we need to begin disciplining our children early in their life. "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him."
Discipline (musar) is moral correction which may include corporal punishment. The rod of discipline has the idea of inflicting pain in order to associate pain with wrong. The child learns two simple yet essential facts: wrong brings pain & right brings affirmation.
The spanking communicates a firm, painful message. I am not referring to a slap on the face. Neither the face nor the upper part of the body are designed to handle such a blow. God has provided a perfect place on the body for pain. He has even supplied that area with some extra padding! And when the rod of discipline is administered His way with the right motive, firmly and briefly, no permanent damage will remain. According to God's promise; it will drive "foolishness far from him." [Swindoll, Chuck. The Strong Family. Multnomah: Portland, OR. 1991. p. 88.]
The foolish possess a God mocking, instruction hating nature. Fools despise discipline. Foolishness includes disrespect for authority. This determination to get one's own way and go one's own way is all bound up in the heart of a child, your child. Though folly (from ewil, an arrogant, flippant, hardened fool) is in the heart of a child, discipline can help expel that kind of attitude and replace it with wisdom.
Keeping a proper balance in mind, there is yet another passage you should consider in Proverbs 23:13-14. "Do not hold back discipline from the child, although you beat him with the rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from Sheol."
If discipline is administered correctly, no parent should ever fear he is damaging his child. When I hear of a child being abused I know that he was not being disciplined biblically. It was the extreme, uncontrolled action of fallen man. God promises parents that death will not occur when they discipline His way. The pain caused by spanking may make the parent and the child think the child will die, but that is not so. The punishment will actually deliver him from the way of death.
By the way if corporal discipline is used, use a rod or paddle instead of your hand. Let it be an object that inflicts pain and not you. The long term association of pain will be with the object instead of you. You can also get out the paddle as an incentive and reminder. Something like a table tennis paddle works great.
III. GIVE REAL REPROOF
Proverbs 29:15 teaches that children are to be raise instead of growing up wild. "The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother."
God's order is the way of discipline and parents are to be God's dispensers of it to their children. The rod does not necessarily mean corporal infliction, although some in cases it may not only be warranted but required, but it stands for pain. The pain of the soul is greater than the pain of the senses and the soul can be reached without the rod. First try reproof, the parental frown, the denial of gratifications, the restrictions of liberties, all these are moral chastisements.
What is most likely indicated here is when handing out punishment be sure to give reproof also. Children need to understand why they got in trouble. This combination gives wisdom. Punishment alone may make them obey but children grow wiser when educated about their folly. The pain of punishment heightens their interest in listening and correcting their behavior.
Observe what happens to the child that is not restrained but allowed to do as he pleases and have what he wants. He becomes an unruly person. The parent may think he will grow out of it on his own, or it will pass as his ability to reason improves, but this is not the case. When a child is not reined in but runs free, or wild and rushes about at the impulses of his fallen nature, if his will is not broken and shaped the end result is that he "brings shame to his mother."
The mother is mention since she is the chief supervisor of early discipline and perhaps the most susceptible reactor to the son's evil actions. The mother yields to the child in mistaken indulgence and thus reaps the greater share of repercussion. What greater affliction can a mom experience that being shamed by her son. Either the child's rebellious behavior or the parent's heart must be broken. Take your pick.
What happens when you discipline your son though? Proverbs 29:17 teaches that corrected children will bring you satisfaction and joy. "Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul."
The repeated exhortations to discipline your children show its importance. The measure and mode of correction must depend upon the age, sex, temperament of the child and the character, aggravation or mitigating circumstances of the fault. But let it be like our gracious heavenly Father's discipline, never more than can be borne. Make due allowances for any marks of repentance and confession.
The disciplining of one's son results in the parents having peace and joy later in their life because their son will behave and grow wiser. See 3 John 4.
IN CLOSING
Those who truly love their children realize the importance of consistent discipline. A child senses that parents care when they stand their ground and maintain established parameters. This reinforcement of ground rules provides stability and security.
Child psychologists discovered an interesting truth. Contemporary thought assumed that FENCES ON PLAYGROUNDS made the children feel restricted in their recreation. A consensus was reached to remove the fences so children wouldn't feel confined. The opposite effect occurred. Researchers found that the children became more inhibited with their activities. They tended to huddle toward the middle of the playground and exhibited signs of insecurity. When the fences were replaced, the children played with greater enthusiasm and freedom. We all need boundaries-something to define the limits of safety and security (Hank Tate).
The poet Coleridge was visited by a man who had a theory about raising children. He stated, "I believe children should be given a free rein to think and act and thus learn at an early age to make their own decisions. This is the only way they can grow into their full potential." Coleridge made no comment but simply led the man to his garden. "Come see my flower garden," he said. The opinionated visitor took one look at the overgrown garden and remarked, "Why, that's nothing but a yard full of weeds." The wise poet declared, "It used to be filled with roses, but this year I thought I'd let the garden grow as it willed without tending to it. This is the result."
Children, like gardens, will not flourish automatically. They need daily attention and care. [Crossroads, Vol. 1, No.4, p. 23.]
The rod of discipline is necessary for the proper maturing of your child. If you truly love your children you will discipline them. God is the great example of parental love, yet He does not spare the rod ... Hebrews 12:7. The applied rod is proof of our Father's love.... Hebrews 12:6. Love your child, remember, they will raise your grandchildren.
[See 2 Samuel 7:14-18]
